From the History Files - The 2013 NHL intro for Brits

(ok, back in the day, being 2012-13 season, I wrote this and got it published somewhere online. I'm busy with the Nanowrimo thinger going on but in the meantime, enjoy this piece of history)

Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.

Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.

In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey's greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to...

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;

All you need to know is this; The NHL is crazy. There is nothing rational about it, either on the ice or off. It was the subject of the greatest sports movie ever made, and has some of the best haircuts ever. It once had two players that dominated the sport like no other athlete has ever dominated a sport yet they played at the same time. Imagine Maradona and Pele playing at the same time, and on occasion even on the same team to defeat the world's worst superpower and #2 hockey nation (no, not America, the other one).

This moment knocked the 1972 Summit Series off the #1 hockey moment
of all time - yes, it is of someone crying. 

THE EASY STUFF;

The regular season starts in October, is 82 games long, and lasts for about six months.
Playoffs start in April and go for about three months. There is no 'one game take all' playoffs; this is all about maximizing owner revenue so the teams are forced to play four rounds of best-of-seven's, which in reality is quite brilliant. The first team to win four games over their opponent moves on to the next round and possibly gets a break while waiting for their opponents to inflict maximum pain on each other.

They play for a large trophy called the Stanley Cup, named after Lord Stanley. It is so rare, there are only 3 replicas of it in existence (the presentation one, the touring one, and the one at the Hockey Hall of Fame. The original is kept in a safe at the Hall of Fame as well and is no bigger than a large salad bowl, which was probably it's original intention).

Canadians start talking about hockey about 2 months before the regular season starts. This is called the 'pre-season' and in reality mean nothing unless you are a Toronto fan, then it defines the rest of your season, saving you all sorts of heartbreak later on.

This photo deserves to be a bit more viral.

12 Ways The Dark Knight Rises and the 2012 Canucks playoffs were eerily the same.

[republished due to its original immense popularity, Chris Nolan's Interstellar release and I find it really funny] 

12 Ways The Dark Knight Rises and the 2012 Canucks playoffs were eerily the same. 

I want the Batman!

For some, the summer of 2012 was to be the cause of great rejoice; The Dark Knight Rises was to cap the end of the amazing Batman trilogy, the Vancouver Canucks were going to win the Stanley Cup after losing in Game 7 to the Boston Bruins a year earlier. That experience would be enough to give them the drive to Win It All (spoiler alert; it didn't). Canucks fans also wanted Zdeno Chara to climb back up his beanstalk and leave all the other hockey players alone. None of that happened, leaving Canucks (and Boston) fans and hockey analysts alone to contemplate the pleasures in the smaller things in life, like drool and soft helmets.

(BIGGER SPOILER ALERT: The Canucks lost to the eventual Stanley Cup Champion LA Kings in the 1st round of the 2012 playoffs)

12 Similarities between The Dark Knight Rises and The 2012 Vancouver Canucks: 

1-For fans of both franchises, there were exceedingly high expectations going in from previous showings.

2-Ryan Kesler appeared in neither.

3-Batman took eight years off before returning for TDKR and the ending was left open for another possible return years from now. Vancouver decided to also take some years off and is preparing for their next Cup push sometime around the year 2020.

4-Both Batman and Mason Raymond took 5 months to recover from a broken back to limited effect.

hmmm... can you take off the bat and add the number 16?

5-Neither Batman or the Canucks showed any ability to dish out a hit.

6- Apparently both Gotham and Vancouver have professional football teams that nobody cares about.

7-Anne Hathaway’s eyebrows scored just as many points with film critics in Los Angeles as the Sedin twins.

8-Batman had a few thousand cops that did nothing to help the situation, the Canucks had these guys; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBQ1rmIbTjw

9-Once Batman and the Canucks left the city, life went on and it was like nothing had ever happened.

10-If Darryl Sutter’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Bane. If Alain Vigneault’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Michael Caine’s quivering lips.

11-TDKR had a lot of supporting characters from previous movies that proved to have no discernible purpose for being there; the Canucks had Jim Hughson, Nick Kypreos and Gary Valk.

Uh, hello?

12-Bruce Wayne came out of self-imposed hiding to find his overall value had plummeted to barely being able to provide for himself, Vancouver had Roberto Luongo.

Winners of the 2014 NHL Draft now that nobody cares...

Winners:

#1 The Philadelphia Flyer fans.

It's amazing to me that thousands of Philadelphia fans showed up at the Spectrum (is it still called that?) to watch a bunch of grown men basically play the real version of a fantasy hockey draft. But then I heard what they did during roll call and I thought 'That's fuckin' Awesome.' Thank you, Philly fans for what I hope is going to be a yearly tradition because if there is anything that yells out SUCKS more than 24 hours of dedicated TSN coverage, its the NHL entry draft.


#2 Mickael Grabvoski 

I admit i have a soft spot for the guy - he was a steady contributor in my own dynasty fantasy pool up until he was moved to a defensive role thanks to Randy Caryle (SUCKS). Getting out of Toronto was great, the 1st game hat trick with Washington led to some hopeful thoughts of years past production but he wasn't able to put up Ovie-like numbers (35 points in 58 games) as the 3rd, sometimes 2nd line center.

Yet he did well enough to earn a $2 million dollar raise in the eyes of the New York Islanders who see the potential in the fighting Finn. Or Russian. Anyways, Behind Tavares and Nilson and on a team that threatened to make Islander jokes a thing of the past, he should make a decent fit in a team that desperately needs to remember they used to be a Dynasty. Speaking of other teams that really under-performed last season...

Ogie's Answers to Everything...Part 33

People often ask me at work "Ogie, why aren't you wearing any pants?" and I just look at them and laugh. Then I realize that I don't work with anybody and I need to get some sleep.

But I can't, there's too much shit going on out there that craves my attention. Like why the hell is TSN the breaking news for any gossip concerning the Vancouver Canucks? Shouldn't the Vancouver Canucks be breaking their own news first. Sometimes I swear that new Canuck president Trevor Linden is getting his daily 'to-do' list from Bob McKenzie and the morning edition of Sportsdesk.

Trevor, your answer is ...

That said here are Ogie's other solutions to some things that keep me awake and mad at night.

Issue 1 - The NHL disparity of East vs West. 

It's been over a month now since the LA Kings defeated the Chicago Blackhawks for the 2014 Stanley Cup. It was an incredible series that showcased everything that was great about the NHL. Hitting, beards and no Pierre McGuire. That said, the Kings had to delay their party for a week as per NHL regulations the winner of the Eastern Conference was allowed a shot at the title. Despite an overwhelming majority stating the end result was as predictable as the Dawson City Klondikers/Ottawa Silver 7 Stanley Cup match of 1905, the NHL still insisted that the Kings play five more games against the New York Rangers who could only milk the emotion of the death of Marty St. Louis' mom for so long.

Barring the Boston Bruins win over the much-favored Vancouver Canucks (cough) in 2011 the West has dominated the NHL for the last five years. The East Coast teams, despite the easier traveling schedule, the massive amounts of press and Sidney Crosby has done nothing to make the East competitive vs. the West. Western Teams such as Phoenix, Nashville would be shoe-ins for the playoffs if they had to go against Eastern Conference teams most of the time. But due to stupid 'geography' they can't.

From the Canucks Dumpster Diving Team...

FROM THE DESK OF
VANCOUVER CANUCKS GENERAL MANAGER
MIKE GILLIS
JIM BENNING

TO DO;

Build Team Morale by 'wear your old jersey to work day' promotion.

Find old jersey    never mind. I was a lot smaller then. 

Get rid of current drafting system.

Find out if there is a current drafting system.

Hide my 2011 Stanley Cup ring in a safe place.

Ask custodial staff to remove the TSN bugs from Trevor's office.  

Ask them to remove Mike's motivational mirrors from my office.

Call Buffalo re; Cody. No takebacksies?

Find out who this Eddie Lack kid is. he's the goalie!! What happened there?

Inquire as to Jonas Gustavson (sp)? Free Agent?

Find out what NTC means besides all these players names.

Try not to mention Vigneault, Roberto, Cory, or Torts.

Buy a lot of umbrellas. Prob some gum boots as well.

Find new coach

what about a former player/coach (next Pat Roy)? 

Av?  still busy. 
Stan? 'not a fucking chance' so ... no.

Marcus? - not accepting calls ... probably a no.

Harold? - still have moustache? Unable to understand on phone.... would make for good press conferences. Will follow up.

Barry Trotz - still available? May be hard to see in dressing room

Kirk Muller - Pro; past Captain. Cup Winner. Can relate to Trev re; being traded.
Con; coached the Hurricanes. Not used to high scoring teams.
Adam Oates - Pro; has some experience dealing with superstars, likes to score. Not given good chance in Wash. Con; has some experience dealing with superstars.  
Peter Laviolette - Pro; been to Cup Finals Con; with Pronger-led Philadelphia team. Weird hair. 

Mike Keenan - be a good joke on Trevor. 

Messier - probably too far. 

Tom Renney - apparently been here already

Wayne? 3rd time's the charm!?

Retro Post - What you need to know, the nhl 2013

- just a blast from the past. As in last year. A rejected piece that will now see the light of the Internet for the first time. 

The National Hockey League is Crazy; What you Need to Know About the 2013 NHL Season

Is this a lock-out year or not?

  Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.

 Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it’s 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.

 In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey’s greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to…

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;

House of Canuckles

I started working on this awhile ago but seeing as how Mike Gillis has been fired, it seems more relevant today.

TL;DR - I tried to present the Canuck organization is in a classic circular dysfunctional relationship. Gillis hired Tortorella to bring a defensive toughness to a team that relied on offensive skill to win. It was bound to fail as Torts brought a Joe Lunchbox mentality to a Brand built on Star Power. Meanwhile Vigneault's style would work great in NY, as they have the star power to become Brand Power. Watch for the Rangers to go deep in the playoffs now that the players are used to AV's way of doing things, as he brings the 'fun' back in Rangers hockey.  


Once upon a time in a land far to the west, there was a family called the Canuckles.  This is their story.

Theirs was what appeared to be a happy marriage; Mike Gillis, the father figure; aloof and controlling of the bank account. He liked to watch Mad Men and believed in pin-up calendars where the women still covered their private parts. The mother was played by Alain Vigneault, from a foreign land, a touch of exotic to his knowing smirk and winning ways. Together they had 20+ kids; confident, talented, every one of them proud to be in the Canuckle family and they were the pride of the entire neighbourhood. If you were a Canuckle, you were the talk of the town, even if most didn't know exactly which one you were.

I saw the guy on the left at Toys R' Us. Or it could have been the one on the right.

Then something happened. A favourite son was designated. Daddy thought he was the answer to everything and the parents treated him as such and treated him well. He got all the C's; The Family car, the Company Credit Card, the Captaincy. It was all his. And all Daddy Canuckle and the entire neighbourhood asked of him was to stop every motherfucking puck that was motherfucking shot at him. Mother Canuckle knew that a careful balance was needed to keep all of the family happy. Those nice quiet ones that nobody paid attention to, the ones that needed a little attention or would wind up in jail one day, the youngest ones that clamored for Daddy Canuckle's attention. The first round picks playing on the third line.

All-Time WTF Canucks Moments or And the winner of the Vancouver Goaltending Controversy is... Eddie Lack?

Little does he know by next week his life will be hell.

Man, here I was thinking i'd be done writing about hockey for awhile, maybe write something about being a dad then Mike Gillis goes off and does something that shocks most of the hockey world more then seeing that Iron Mike Keenan in Russia documentary on Sportsnet. Luongo finally gets traded for a 3rd string goalie, only months after the Canucks dealt away their other #1 netminder, Cory Schneider.  In less than a year, the Canucks have lost 2 starting goalies, their most successful head coach, and the once dominant scoring machine Sedins are both approaching their worst offensive outputs in their careers.  

But how does this rate in the Vancouver Canuck all-time list of colossal WTF moments?

Here's my Favourites, in semi-random order.

The Rage that Is...Kevin Bieksa

Everyday he misses Byfuglien...

After last weekend's raucous display between the Calgary Flames and Vancouver Canucks off the opening face-off, there were really only two questions; how badly did John Tortorella need a vacation from his once-powerful now mediocre Canucks and 2, what is up with Kevin Bieksa?

First, let me state that I enjoy Kevin Bieksa. He seems to be a funny guy. He jokes with the assembled sports reporters like a high school quarterback that acknowledges the local nerd squad. He looks to be the type of guy that makes funny comments after the waitress walks away and is constantly daring you to do something stupid and because it's Kevin Bieksa, you kind of want to do it.

The NHL. What you Need to Know. Part 1 of 4

The NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month.

Here is what you need to know about this year's teams, all anxious to try to relive the pace and glory of last year's shortened 48 game season by starting 4 months earlier and returning to an 82 game (give or take) schedule.

The NHL continues to make a mockery of consistent rules, divisions and Canadian hockey fans by continuing to allow teams to play in such tropical destinations as Florida, Texas and Arizona where one can see a professional hockey team for cheaper than attending a local high school's drama class production of Oklahoma.

where the hell is the Smythe area of North America?

Gone are the six divisions that meant nothing for the last 20 years replaced by four divisions that still mean nothing. The new structure still means each conference will have 8 teams that qualify for the playoffs but in keeping with it's unusual scoring system, the following method will be used to keep fans confused until the final days of the regular season when they learn if their team has qualified or not.

From NHL.com; 

The top three teams in each division will make up the first 12 teams in the playoffs. The remaining four spots will be filled by the next two highest-placed finishers in each conference -- regardless of division -- based on regular-season points. It will be possible for one division to send five teams to the postseason while the other sends three.

The seeding of the wild-card teams within each divisional playoff will be determined by regular-season points. The division winner with the most points in the conference will be matched against the wild-card team with the fewest points; the division winner with the second-most points in the conference will play the wild-card team with the second-fewest points.

Simple. And how does a team get these points to qualify for the playoffs?

Just nod and move on...

A team gets 2 points for a straight-up win. If both teams tie, they each get a point. They play a 5 minute overtime session, at which time each team is minus 1 player. If someone scores, the winning team gets 2 points and the losing team gets 1 point. If nobody scores in extra time, the teams go to a shoot out where players take turns trying to score on breakaways (much like a penalty kick). If they score, that goal doesn't count as a goal on their point totals but their team could win, as long as the other team doesn't score. Eventually, everyone gets bored and they all go home and wait for the NHL statisticians to tell us what happened.

As I said you don't really need to worry about it. Chances are your team will just make or just miss the playoffs thanks to the league's continual attempt to ensure team parity. Just pick a team then come back in April.

On to the teams!

The Winners and Losers of Draft Weekend in the NHL

Let's get the obvious out of the way; if you live in Canada and stayed home to comment or provide in-depth coverage of the NHL draft via twitter on the Canada Day long weekend instead of going camping or dredging out your basement if you live in Calgary you have bigger issues that need to be addressed.

Things are happening outside right now.

The only thing sadder than watching CTV News anchor report on whatever is going on with Justin Bieber would be a grown man who actually takes an active interest in the future employment opportunities of teenagers that have been groomed since birth to get paid way too much money to either shoot a puck or stop it. I defy any NHL prospect to actually admit that they dream of going right to one of the bottom feeders of the NHL, which is what makes the whole circus so funny. The top 50 players in the junior leagues are all but guaranteed huge contracts just by being picked by any of the 30 teams - and their signing bonus will most likely equal a year of your salary - but hey, that's hockey life - it doesn't mean we have to support it.

But, that being said...

Rangers/Canucks switch coaching personalities. Predictable results will follow.

Recently John Tortorella was announced as the Vancouver Canucks 17th head coach, replacing their winning-est coach ever and causing the collective 'brain trust' of Vancouver hockey reporters to smash their heads against their laptops and mutter 'fuckyfuckyfuckyfuck'.

John Tortorella in a classic pose, telling NY reporters to back
their shit up and ask to yell their questions at him.

This may all sound familiar because it is. Remember when the Vancouver Canuck organization went and hired the ex-head coach of the New York Rangers, a move that turned out wildly successful and popular for the first 2 hours after it was announced?

Mark? Mark? Mark?  Can anyone hear me over that goal horn?

In fact, even their personal mottoes are oddly familiar....

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are a loser." - John Tortorella.

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are Trevor Linden and should get the fuck out of my dressing room. Right Mark?" - Mike Keenan

Retro Post; The Greatest Canuck Stanley Cup Run

Ahhh, Vancouver.  If Montreal is to the NHL what the Yankees are to MLB, then Vancouver Canucks are the NFL's Buffalo Bills.  They've been to the Big Show three times, only to each time come away empty.  Unless you happen to be in downtown Vancouver after the final game, then you are probably coming away with quite a few things unpaid for.

While 1983 was perhaps an anomaly in that nobody truly expected the Canucks to defeat the 2x defending champion New York Islanders (yes, you read that right), 1994 was the year when believers were made.  A strong core of forwards led by Pavel Bure, Trevor Linden, and Gino Odjick. Jyrki Lumme, Dave Babych and Dana Murzyn on defence and the last of the great stand up goaltenders in Kirk McLean, before everybody started adopting the Patrick Roy butterfly followed by hip surgery in your 30's style.  The Canucks provided an amazing playoff run full of drama, emotion and continuous highlight reel moments, courtesy of Pavel Bure. While the 2011 Canucks had the diving, the biting, the LUongoing nothing can beat 1994's team for sheer Hollywood drama.

First the dramatics of the come from behind 1st round seven game defeat of the Calgary Flames after being behind 3 games to 1 in the series, featuring Kirk McLean in 'The Save'

which led to the perhaps the biggest moment in Canuck playoff history up to that time, Pavel Bure and 'The Goal';

My Opinion Matters, but It Doesn't: NHL Playoff headlines 2

PLAYOFF HEADLINES

SHARKS SWEEP CANUCKS; CHRISTY CLARK BLAMES DIX AND NDP

at least you can tell she shoots to the right

After the provincial favourite Vancouver Canucks were swept in four straight games by the San Jose Sharks BC Premier Christy Clark was quick to lay blame at the feet of NDP leader Adrian Dix.

"This is a direct result of the NDP and their leadership under Adrian Dix. If you elect me premier, I promise you the Vancouver Canucks will once again be Stanley Cup champions." said Clark through various social media channels and her blog. "If I could I would introduce back-to-work legislation on the two teams but I have been informed I can't, due to Adrian Dix and the NDP party."

I don't know what's going on but this is all DIX fault!"

When it was pointed out she was already Premier and the Canucks had never been Stanley Cup champions, Clark appeared dazed and confused, much like Roberto Luongo the day after the trade deadline.

My Opinion Matters, but It Doesn't: NHL Playoff headlines

So, it's the first couple of days of the NHL playoffs, our annual Spring rite that indirectly gives men in Canada the right to grow a beard until their favourite team loses. Which is why I always cheer for the Stanley Cup winning team. Yet, I can't grow a beard. Strange custom, but we Canadians are always looking for a reason not to shave.

beard growing may be our only similarity

Already a few things have happened in the last 48 hours which chip away at my resolve to watch the playoffs. I'm not a 100% all or nothing hockey fan, but i am Canadian. Work, family and chores take up a large chunk of my time and so when i have the few minutes to 'zone in' to a game I appreciate it.  That said, here are some observations of the little hockey i have watched;

Let's call this....

PLAYOFF HEADLINES

YES, WE KNOW.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS IN PLAYOFFS 1ST TIME IN 9 YEARS!

Holy shit, who doesn't know that already? I watched the 3rd period of their 1st game loss against Boston and heard it at least three times, saw it as a graphic twice and then heard it two more times that night on TSN Sportsdesk (without watching the mandatory 'what went wrong' special Leaf supplement they run). And I'm not even watching that much hockey right now.

If you are just tuning into the NHL (which you aren't because you are reading this)  there is no way you can escape this fact. I mean, I didn't even watch any of the pre-game, post-game, most-of-the-game and hockey highlight packages that all indubitably made mention of this. We get it, Toronto has sucked for a decade and now the team is better than the Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Carolina Hurricanes and a few other eastern teams so sucky I can't be bothered to remember their names.
Reminding the viewers that Toronto hasn't played a playoff game in 9 years is like telling us the sky is still blue, America has guns and Nazis were bad, bad people. And after that 1st game showing, they still haven't played a playoff game.  Booyah!

Ah, Keslerrrr....

The last couple days where I live have been so windy that I must say i was pretty surprised to see this happen right in front of me at the local park;

That's the Canucks Ryan Kesler rolling faster than a flock of baby ducks after another patented Kesler dive from last year's playoffs. Apparently he hit some sort of space/time continuum and a version of him is doomed to do this through eternity; like Don Cherry's suitmaker. 

Man...watching it too much is making me ill.  For the love of God, slow down Ryan!

But then again, it's Ryan Kesler, one of the most sure-footed Canucks on the ice. It would take more than a little gust of wind to knock him off his feet.  Something like... a tornado!

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Western Conference (aka Home of the 2013 Stanley Cup Champions)

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

VS

#8 Minnesota Wild

Analyzing The Team - Minnesota made big news last summer when their management precipitated the lock out by signing 2 highly coveted free agents to multi-million dollar decade long contracts despite their proven ability in never winning a Stanley Cup. The wealth of experience that Zach Parise and Ryan Suter brought in not winning when it counts in the Stanley Cup playoffs will be a boon to the Wild as they bow out in four straight games.

This is either Parise or Suter. Hard to tell

Analyzing the Team Name -  The Wild team name, much like their crest is difficult to figure out. It is one of only 4 other North American professional sports teams (so, excluding soccer) that can't be pluralized (no, i won't tell you the others).  The crest sort of looks like a tripped out mountain lion from afar but on closer inspection is more of forest at night motif. Minnesota has lots of lakes that are frozen over much of the year and is known solely for it's most (and only) famous native Minnesotan, Prince.

I guess the Minnesota 'White-Outs' came in second.

Playoff Prediction; hahahahaha ha haha (gasp,gasp) hahahahahaha

Basebrawl! sadly enough...they can't even brawl right.

Baseball has a perception of being more boring than competitive fishing. Yet on occasion something potentially exciting happens and all hell breaks loose but yet...it doesn't. Here's a classic example from Thursday's game between the Padres and Dodgers. I've included a play by play of the events to watch for. I seriously cannot understand how baseball is considered more exciting than hockey. 

First, I really appreciate how the tone of the announcer doesn't change once 18 (Quentin) semi-stalks then charges the pitcher #21 (Grienke). "now. he. has. something. to. say. and. look. out. here." Sounds like a robot calling this game but the emotion in his voice, my god, man how could i not nearly stop to take another drink of my beer. It sounds like I'm watching a high-intensity crib game.

At .19 the announcer then goes on to explain why #18 charges the mound by saying;

"Quentin continues to amaze as he consistently gets hits by pitches."  Really? That's amazing? I nearly put wart burner in my eye yesterday but nobody would consider that amazing. Real Americans would have taken out a gun and shot that white guy and a few innocent bystanders for less.

then he goes on to say that

Who looks like the 2013 Trade Geniuses; 1st Day on the New Job

It's always important to judge a trade by the very first game that the recent victims/rental players participate in with their new team. After all, they don't know anybody yet, nobody has tried to hit on their girlfriends and reporters are madly trying to get their first angle for a news story on the 'new guy'. So here's the immediate winners from the NHL trade deadline day;

Tampa Bay Lightning;

the O on his jersey could be called 'fore-shadowing'or 
amount of Lightning fans who had heard of Ben Bishop.

Ben Bishop earns a shut out with his first game of the Bolts, the first in new Coach Cooper's career with a 5-0 rout over the always dangerous Carolina Hurricanes, champion of both North and South Carolina.
Bishop stopped 45 shots for his first win for Tampa Bay which unfortunately means that unless he continues to post a 1000 save % for the rest of the season, there is nowhere to go but down.

I am extremely happy with you guys right now,
don't confuse this with my mad face.

New York Rangers

This team looks like geniuses right now (yes, tortorella is still their coach). Ryan Clowe gets 2 goals and an assist, Derek Brassard formerly of Columbus gets 1G 3A and John Moore also scores a goal in their first showing in Rangers uniforms. Clowe gets calls from Mark Messier asking to be in on the next photo op, but Clowe wisely declines.

Reasons why i love hockey pools #22

My first hockey pool was about seven years ago, right after the previous lock out.  I had lost interest in hockey right after the first lock out and the introduction of the neutral zone trap.  i gathered bits of what was going on here and there; Messier was signed to Vancouver, Detroit was always a great team, New Jersey was destroying the way the game should be played, Toronto still was mentioned to be a contender without everyone starting to laugh.  Then apparently Messier went back to the Rangers and the Canucks started getting good. They had a top -scoring line in bertuzzi, naslund, and morrison.  Somehow they were contenders again but as per most teams in the league, (99% of them) failed to win the Stanley Cup and Vancouver media and fans blamed it, as per usual, on goaltending. Potvin, Cloutier, and most recently Luongo all seemed to get more scorn than praise despite the whole 'we win as a team, we lose as a team' concept.  


I digress.  A friend got me to join a dynasty hockey pool for 5 years.  it was fun.  Met guys of like mind online and basically formed a relationship of mutual msg board insults and bad trades as we bickered over who should retire, who did retire and if someone should really openly support the Maple Leafs.  It was fun.  Got me back into hockey, but the format of hockey pools doesn't really allow for a specific team as you are cheering on specific players.  I don't give a shit if Vancouver beat San Jose as long as Joe Thornton (a guy i've tried numerous times to trade w/ no bites) gets me 4 assists and perhaps a 10 minute misconduct.


Plus, the msg boards allows me to practice my banter, which primarily involves making fun of others who thankfully, all have a good sense of humor.  And are bald, but that go-to cop out is just lazy insult writing. It helped me get back into writing, if not Hemingway, at least something.  It is a nice distraction, a few minutes a day from kids, chores and other grown up stuff.
So, if you made it this far, here's my first attempt at rekindling the fire that made me want to watch NHL highlights.  Maybe it will work again this year...

So, if you made it this far, here's my first attempt at rekindling the fire that made me want to watch NHL highlights.  Maybe it will work again this year...

I am currently proud of this little gem to start the hockey pool season in my latest dynasty league in which i sort of defend the newest guy from the commissioner of the league, who had to replace a team who dropped out over the summer after 2 years and basically no interest in insulting or trading anybody for i can only assume personal reasons,like he just never stayed interested in hockey.    

Interestingly, this was the way Richard Brodeur
requested a water bottle from the bench

To My Fellow Poolies; 

we all apologize on jeremy's attempt at either humor or insulting your mom.  it's hard to tell what jer's intention is half the time which is why he makes so many trips to thailand by himself to 'explore his options'.  it's rumored his mom dropped him on his head when he was still in the womb, multiple times. 



She used to like going bump-bump-bump down the stairs in an effort to get jeremy out of the womb as he had been in there for 14 months already and unfortunately his older brother is tyler who has trouble formatting cohesive paragraphs so you might say it's hereditary.  Tyler is easy to spot because he puts an * by his team name so that whenever you see it, you think 'asshole'.

i think we will make more fun of you once we see what type of lame ass trade by tyler you fall for or great trade you offer me.  But if you are from kelowna, chances are that you probably don't know what you are doing and will just stock up on goaltenders while cheering for the canucks because that is who everybody else cheers for and you find it impossible to have an opinion of your own without asking the waitress at the local sports bar you attend cuz she's like, really into old dudes who know who Tony Tanti is.

welcome to the big leagues, King B.  I remembered you fondly.