House of Canuckles

I started working on this awhile ago but seeing as how Mike Gillis has been fired, it seems more relevant today.

TL;DR - I tried to present the Canuck organization is in a classic circular dysfunctional relationship. Gillis hired Tortorella to bring a defensive toughness to a team that relied on offensive skill to win. It was bound to fail as Torts brought a Joe Lunchbox mentality to a Brand built on Star Power. Meanwhile Vigneault's style would work great in NY, as they have the star power to become Brand Power. Watch for the Rangers to go deep in the playoffs now that the players are used to AV's way of doing things, as he brings the 'fun' back in Rangers hockey.  


Once upon a time in a land far to the west, there was a family called the Canuckles.  This is their story.

Theirs was what appeared to be a happy marriage; Mike Gillis, the father figure; aloof and controlling of the bank account. He liked to watch Mad Men and believed in pin-up calendars where the women still covered their private parts. The mother was played by Alain Vigneault, from a foreign land, a touch of exotic to his knowing smirk and winning ways. Together they had 20+ kids; confident, talented, every one of them proud to be in the Canuckle family and they were the pride of the entire neighbourhood. If you were a Canuckle, you were the talk of the town, even if most didn't know exactly which one you were.

I saw the guy on the left at Toys R' Us. Or it could have been the one on the right.

Then something happened. A favourite son was designated. Daddy thought he was the answer to everything and the parents treated him as such and treated him well. He got all the C's; The Family car, the Company Credit Card, the Captaincy. It was all his. And all Daddy Canuckle and the entire neighbourhood asked of him was to stop every motherfucking puck that was motherfucking shot at him. Mother Canuckle knew that a careful balance was needed to keep all of the family happy. Those nice quiet ones that nobody paid attention to, the ones that needed a little attention or would wind up in jail one day, the youngest ones that clamored for Daddy Canuckle's attention. The first round picks playing on the third line.



The Favourite Son tried. And when he faltered, the other semi-favourite sons stepped up. Mother Canuckle treated them all well; offensive zone starts, power play time. A chance for someone else to score the game-winning goal in game 1 of Hockey's Ultimate Award Series when the other semi-favourites couldn't.

For a brief few months, it worked. Daddy Canuckle remained low, working on making sure the bills were paid as Mommy Canuckle worked the politics that every parent knows full well behind closed doors. They got close, really close to the Ultimate Prize; Hockey's Ultimate Family Award, so difficult to achieve that no Family has repeated as champions two years in a row since the Detroit Red Wings in 97 and 98.  It's a fucking tough award to win. Everyone knows that but the Canuckles thought that for a brief time they deserved it because they believed they were the best. They even had the entire neighbourhood thinking it.

But then they found out they weren't the very best. It was hard to take. Neighbours were quick to point out their faults now that it was safe to do so. The favourite son stopped being the favourite and he got to pouting. Mommy Canuckle did what she could but she had to think of what was best for the family. She made the tough choices. Other children stepped up to try and take the place of others who walked away, perhaps having enough of the dysfunction behind the closed dressing room doors of the Canuckle family.
Irony hit them the next year when one of their heroes who was told to walk away drove a dagger into their collective hearts with this soul-crusher;

Yet Daddy and Mommy Canuckle proceeded to live their little lie that everything was okay until Daddy snapped last year. It began with them saying passive-aggressive things to the neighbours about each other. Daddy felt Mommy was being too easy on the kids, for although they were flashy, they weren't gritty. They didn't know how to play defense. Their favourite son could no longer stop an empty taxi cab and so Daddy designated another favourite son to move in with the first son and share a bedroom together. It was weird.

Daddy didn't like what his Family was becoming. He began to care too much about what the neighbours thought. Mommy was doing the best she could but it wasn't enough. Daddy Canuckle ended it with Mommy Canuckle and showed her the stadium door after they were found to be once again lacking in grit.It didn't matter that the Family that beat them turned out to be the Very Best that year.

Daddy soon went courting for another Mommy and found another one quickly, one that was the complete opposite of their previous Mommy. This Mommy was strict and tough and was somewhat a little bit mental. Mommy Torts made sure that everyone knew there were no favourites on this Family. So the kids tried to earn his respect the only way they knew how, by playing the same way they did with Mommy AV.  It worked for awhile. Everything seemed okay but then the neighbours started noticing things. Like how the favoured few were now being treated as same as the other ones. They started playing more in the defensive zone than the offensive zone. They weren't always on the power play. They were expected to back check and stop goals from going in, not like when they were only asked to score goals. This Mommy wanted them tough and gritty, just like Daddy Canuckle wanted.

Meanwhile the nice Mommy went off to new Mommy's old team, where he found a family that was long on grumpiness and short on fun. The new Family didn't know what to make of this new Mommy and so it took some time to get used to. They were losing games but to this Mommy it was okay. He wanted them to remember how much fun it was to play, then they would get back to winning. Mommy Ranger, as he was now known, had a new favourite son, and a much more handsome one at that.

After his early season blues, he had a great Christmas and has since helped bring the team into Hockey's Ultimate Family Consideration. Mommy Ranger made the best of an eclectic bunch of hard-working children. He had 5 centers and they all played at least 70 games because that is all anyone who plays hockey wants to do; play hockey. Five left wingers were in the top 10 of scoring for his new Family.

And this time, Mommy Ranger's new Daddy might learn to leave her the fuck alone and just be happy that the Family is scoring goals, filling the seats and making the playoffs, unlike the Canuckle family.

Sure, winning the Hockey Ultimate Family Award would be nice but it shouldn't be decided by the neighbours who deserves to win it, it's decided by the Family working as a whole (and not shaving).