Congratulations to Alain Vigneault

No, I'm not expecting a Congratulations call from Mike. Why? 

It's hard to believe that it's been 20 years since the New York Rangers have been in the Stanley Cup Finals. It's been so long hardly anyone remembers what happened way back in 1994. Except this.

And now they are heading back there, having replaced hard-nosed, awesome-goatee'd John Tortorella with all-time winningest Canucks coach Alain Vigneault, so you can bet this guy feels like a bit of a douche.

The NHL media can only milk Marty St.Louis' mother's death for so long and the amazing commitment to the Cup it symbolizes. Now prepare to be inundated with images and reflections of twenty years ago as a litany of players who played for the NHL's largest US North American market (per capita) magically materialize out of where ever former NHL players go after they retire.

Retro Post - What you need to know, the nhl 2013

- just a blast from the past. As in last year. A rejected piece that will now see the light of the Internet for the first time. 

The National Hockey League is Crazy; What you Need to Know About the 2013 NHL Season

Is this a lock-out year or not?

  Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.

 Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it’s 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.

 In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey’s greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to…

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;

The NHL. What you Need to Know. Part 1 of 4

The NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month.

Here is what you need to know about this year's teams, all anxious to try to relive the pace and glory of last year's shortened 48 game season by starting 4 months earlier and returning to an 82 game (give or take) schedule.

The NHL continues to make a mockery of consistent rules, divisions and Canadian hockey fans by continuing to allow teams to play in such tropical destinations as Florida, Texas and Arizona where one can see a professional hockey team for cheaper than attending a local high school's drama class production of Oklahoma.

where the hell is the Smythe area of North America?

Gone are the six divisions that meant nothing for the last 20 years replaced by four divisions that still mean nothing. The new structure still means each conference will have 8 teams that qualify for the playoffs but in keeping with it's unusual scoring system, the following method will be used to keep fans confused until the final days of the regular season when they learn if their team has qualified or not.

From NHL.com; 

The top three teams in each division will make up the first 12 teams in the playoffs. The remaining four spots will be filled by the next two highest-placed finishers in each conference -- regardless of division -- based on regular-season points. It will be possible for one division to send five teams to the postseason while the other sends three.

The seeding of the wild-card teams within each divisional playoff will be determined by regular-season points. The division winner with the most points in the conference will be matched against the wild-card team with the fewest points; the division winner with the second-most points in the conference will play the wild-card team with the second-fewest points.

Simple. And how does a team get these points to qualify for the playoffs?

Just nod and move on...

A team gets 2 points for a straight-up win. If both teams tie, they each get a point. They play a 5 minute overtime session, at which time each team is minus 1 player. If someone scores, the winning team gets 2 points and the losing team gets 1 point. If nobody scores in extra time, the teams go to a shoot out where players take turns trying to score on breakaways (much like a penalty kick). If they score, that goal doesn't count as a goal on their point totals but their team could win, as long as the other team doesn't score. Eventually, everyone gets bored and they all go home and wait for the NHL statisticians to tell us what happened.

As I said you don't really need to worry about it. Chances are your team will just make or just miss the playoffs thanks to the league's continual attempt to ensure team parity. Just pick a team then come back in April.

On to the teams!

Rangers/Canucks switch coaching personalities. Predictable results will follow.

Recently John Tortorella was announced as the Vancouver Canucks 17th head coach, replacing their winning-est coach ever and causing the collective 'brain trust' of Vancouver hockey reporters to smash their heads against their laptops and mutter 'fuckyfuckyfuckyfuck'.

John Tortorella in a classic pose, telling NY reporters to back
their shit up and ask to yell their questions at him.

This may all sound familiar because it is. Remember when the Vancouver Canuck organization went and hired the ex-head coach of the New York Rangers, a move that turned out wildly successful and popular for the first 2 hours after it was announced?

Mark? Mark? Mark?  Can anyone hear me over that goal horn?

In fact, even their personal mottoes are oddly familiar....

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are a loser." - John Tortorella.

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are Trevor Linden and should get the fuck out of my dressing room. Right Mark?" - Mike Keenan

The Other NHL Awards

The Others Awards budget is pretty, pretty tight thanks to
GARY BETTMAN

It's that time of the year again, where we all get distracted by the confusing scheduling of the NHL Awards and Ceremonies right at the height of the Stanley Cup Finals. While most leagues prefer to wait until after the ceremonial booing of the commissioner, the NHL says 'Bullshit' to that idea and instead hosts a highly visual and star-struck affair (if one considers current and former hockey players stars) in the heart of the Stanley Cup Finals because that will probably be the last time anyone really cares about hockey until July 1st.

So while the NHL vets itself and it's players, placing a little extra weight on stupid reporter questions about what winning an award means to the two involved that are still competing for the biggest award in pro sports (Jonathon Toews and Patrice Bergeron), let's take a look at some other not-so-popular awards that will be handed out in the back alley behind a dumpster to homeless people on the morning of the Awards.


The Best Name in Hockey Award Goes To;  Johnny Oduya, Chicago Blackhawks. 

Runner Ups, Johnny Boychuk (Boston Bruins), Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)

His family, friends, coaches and teammates just call him '14'

With a name like 'Johnny' where else can you be still taken seriously but in hockey?

While Boychuk got points for being able to substitute boychuk woodchuck in the ancient tongue twister:
 'how much boys could a boy chuck chuck if a boy chuck could chuck boys?'
Oduya's last name is so phonetically great as it's own comeback that it takes my pick for name of the year.
'I think I will just go around this Chicago defenseman here who isn't Keith or Seabrook.'
'Oduya.'
'Oh, I do all right. Just watch me.'

Honorable Mention to Brooks Orpik, named after legendary USA coach Herb Brooks, which sadly shows that here was a boy who had no choice in life but to play hockey to please his hockey-loving father.

Dialing it in; AV's firing...

Well, the Vancouver Canucks made what I like to refer to as another 'Messier' by firing all-time winningest coach in Canuck history, Alain Vani- Vaingne- AV a couple weeks after a 4 game sweep by the San Jose Sharks, 2 years after their near-Cup glory run in 2011.

'I heard there's a coaching position available?' 

Of course, being hockey nuts, we all know that. Some say that AV had to go, some say that he was thrown under the zamboni by a desperate GM, Mike Gillis.

Simple fact is that Vancouver (unofficial motto; keeping expectations unrealistically high since 1982) pressured Mike Gillis into this firing. Vancouver fans are a fickle bunch and most fail to realize that they should be grateful that they at least got to see a cup run during their generation. There are a lot of fans out there that haven't including Toronto, Montreal, both New York teams, San Jose, Nashville, St. Louis... the list goes on but let's face it, reaching the finals once every 15 years is a pretty good average compared to the bottom half of the league. Even Scotty Bowman didn't make it to the Stanley Cup every year he had a team and he won exactly only one more Jack Adams trophy for best NHL coach than AV has.  Go figure...

Vancouver is known as a goalie graveyard. It took only one year for Luongo to fall from grace to be replaced by someone who has around 5 playoff games under his pads. Thankfully, Luongo is still a celebrity on twitter and has shown himself to be one of the most amicable (and richest) back up goalies in history...so good for him.

Maybe it would be easier to just buy a new car
everytime I'm low on gas...

Maybe AV will take to twitter as well in the few weeks he's unemployed for he has officially become the most sought after coach in the league as of 1 minute after he was fired. For the record, it's almost better for a Canuck coach to not nearly win the cup than it is to just keep the team above 500.  It's the difference between being Marc Crawford and being Alain Vaingneault, however you spell it.

Roger Nielson, who led the team to the 82 finals, was released in less than 2 seasons after near glory. Pat Quinn, another Jack Adams Coach of the Year winner, like AV left the coaching to Rick Ley right after their near glory run in 1994.  Both of their successors lasted less than a few years before they were given walking papers.

The last 2 Canuck coaches, Marc Crawford and AV have led the team to more points in the last 13 years than the previous 9 coaches had in the 20 years before them, including Pat Quinn and Mike Keenan's records.

So, if present history holds true and if Patrick Roy can come back as the Colorado Avalanche head coach, then look to the Canucks to win fan favour by perhaps finally giving the reins to someone who will run the team into Avalanche type territory in the next couple of years before hiring either or both of the all-time greatest Canucks, Trevor Linden or Stan 'Steamer' Smyl.

Something in this picture isn't quite right...

Holy shit...would that be awesome.  

The 2013 NHL Trade Deadline Recap (for realsies too)

so much hockey bullshit to feast on...

After a testosterone-laden 8 hours, the NHL trade deadline has passed with only one surprise to me; that  an old-fashioned real trade that could easily be emulated in certain hockey pools run by competent, efficient team managers that understand it takes something to get something. Unfortunately, I'm not in one of those types of pools so i will just have to sit back and wait for Edmonton to return to it's former glory.
Thankfully, Columbus and the New York Rangers did something that made waiting 6 hours for TSN updates worth it.

It was a busy morning as sports anchors and analysts tried to look busy in finding something to say about the deadline, as per annual tradition and it wasn't until near the end of the day that things apparently heated up. By then, GM's finally had responded to all their emails that had accumulated from various opinionated arm-chair coaches and did their thing.

Here's my few worthy observations;

Biggest Surprise of the Day; Marian Gaborik would waive his no-trade clause to go to Columbus
Maybe he just doesn't know where Columbus is (technically, neither do I) but it's a good fit; Gaborik can go score goals somewhere nobody has heard of him and Columbus gets that potential goal scorer to replace Rick Nash. Plus, Columbus is doing surprisingly okay this year with Bobrovsky in net, making Steve Mason expendable, which i will get to later.

The 2013 NHL Trade Deadline (for realsies)

It's that time of year again, which really has only really seemed to pick up speed since the last lockout; the
NHL Trade deadline.  It's a time where former NHL hockey players and team executives that are no longer considered employable give their opinions on Canada's sports networks on potential rumours and trades that may happen on the last day of the year's eligibility before the playoffs and helps explain why they are no longer employed by viable NHL franchises.

Damn it Quebec; We said viable NHL franchises

Of course, with the shortened schedule due to some lock out or something, nearly every team still has a chance to make the playoffs.  I'm not going to get into the specifics of how a team with 38 points will finish in 3rd place ahead of a team with 45 points because let's face it, if you are reading this, you probably have learnt to ignore the standings like me and just wait for the final day when it's all said and done.

So, back to the Trade deadline; which in Canada gets as much hype as the pre-game before the Superbowl. It should also be called "Man-Day" as that is pretty much all it is; men talking about other men joining other men for other men while they look into their smart phones where they will be receiving texts and sending tweets about every stupid rumour that can be dug up.

Speaking as a man, it is really quite silly and a complete waste of time.  It's the CNN equivalent of election coverage with a lot of people talking but really saying nothing.  So that said, i'm talking now about what's already happened.

1st - There really hasn't been any 'trades' in the last few years.  It's one thing to have 2 franchise players switch teams.  That's a trade.  Lately it's been predominantly 'future considerations' in the form of unproven players in the minors and/or draft picks which are unproven players in the minor minors.

Can anyone name who Jarome Iginla, Jaromir Jagr, Derek Roy, Douglas Murray, Brenden Morrow, Ryan Clowe, Jay Bouwmeester, Simone Gagne, Tim Thomas, Alex Ponivarosky, Mike Brown, Robyn Regehr have been traded for?

In fact, the only straight up trades in recent memory involved Kassian for Hodgson, 2 young players with potential but really still unproven.  Jeff Carter for Jack Johnson was a good old fashioned trade, but then again it involved a Sutter in Los Angeles and whichever local college graduate was running the Columbus Blue Jackets at the time.

Anyone hoping for a Luongo for Kessel trade or anything like that may as well shut off the tv and go outside.

Top Ten Most Likely Moments;

Worst Canuck Subjects to Bring Up Drunk.

You have to admit, there is nothing more fun sitting in a pub with a few of your most devoted Canuck brethren and sticking it to them regarding their choice of lame-ass teams to follow.  There is something about watching the spittle form on their lips as they defend their great Canucks that reminds you "Yet somehow this is all really funny."

you can also make fun of anyone
weighing less than a bag of pucks.

Of course, the key to bashing the Canucks in a alcoholic setting is to make sure that you know the people you are drinking with.  Beware the guy who is wearing a Canuck hat; their obvious show of loyalty makes for a bad sense of humour.  Of course, this doesn't apply if he is wearing some type of clothing that in some respect mentions Roberto Luongo.

Another person to beware of is the person who is wearing a "vintage" V jersey.  They will most likely be unable to pay for their drink.  If they are sporting a major bald spot and long moustache, it could also be Harold Snepsts and he can still kick your ass.  An easy way to tell is to approach them and ask if they are Harold Snepsts and buy him a drink if so.  DO NOT mention Mike Bossy or Game 1 of the 1982 finals.

The third person, who is complete fair game is the guy who proclaims his love for the Canucks but doesn't show any outward proof.  The easiest way to get a rise out of him is to tell him that he is obviously ashamed of the Canucks or else he would be wearing some type of swag that has set him back at the mininum $25.  He will be too old to play the game but still young enough to remember how real hockey used to be played.  He has an opinion about everything and believes that there is a vast Canuck conspiracy to keep Vancouver from ever winning a cup.  He probably has a name like 'Tyler' or 'Rob'.  During the playoffs, he grows a sub-par playoff beard that somehow succeeds in making him look less manly.  And when he starts talking hockey, he is seeing the world through blue/green/white tinted glasses.  He is a Canucklehead and 'sorta' proud of it.  

The top 10 debates to have with a Canucklehead;

1) Ugliest uniform.  This is to just get things warmed up and reminds the Canucklehead that no matter how heated the arguements forthcoming will be, you can always remind him that in the end, the Montreal Canadiens have never changed their team colours and have won the Stanley Cup 23 times (that legend, although hard to believe, is true) wearing basically the same jersey.  Talk about that 'salmon-colored' third jersey, or just what other franchise puts their owner's emblem on the front (orca)?

2) Petr Nedved.  This may be limited to the age of the Canucklehead who may have never heard of Petr Nedved.  If so, just tell him that Petr Nedved was considered the greatest player ever to be drafted before coming to the Canucks, at which time the franchise proceeded to suck all talent out of him.  This can be expanded to nearly every draft pick ever made by the Canucks, with only Trevor Linden and the Sedin twins proving the exception.  If they mention Linden, rebuttal with 'but they traded him, didn't they?' which will lead into the 3rd debate.

Finally, the Columbus hockey fan can now weep openly...

In the lamest block buster trade of the year, Rick Nash who is probably the only 'bona-fide' superstar to have never played in a playoff game (apparently he did drive to 4) is heading to the New York Rangers and in return, Columbus doesn't have to answer any more of Nash's emails. So it's a win-win-win.

If you have a Rick Nash playing card you can get one indistinguishable Russian, one funny-named guy, a young defenceman that couldn't make the Calgary Flames and a first pick next year which will most likely be somewhere in the top 20.

Columbus moves someone who showed all the leadership potential of a young Alexandre Daigle and the scoring ability of Alexei Yashin (or vice versa).   New York moves The Dube and New York potheads have to try and find some drug-related nickname for Nash.

And exactly 4 seconds after the trade was announced, all nhl pundits turned to the Roberto Luongo situation and tried to pinpoint exactly where Mike Gillis was for a reaction.  He was found somewhere between 'don't-give-a-shit lane' and 'seriously, go-get-laid avenue'.  

Roberto Luongo; poet of the poker table

The eight Canuck fans throughout Vancouver that still care about Roberto Luongo's fortunes were groaning at hearing that he had bowed out of the high-pressure Las Vegas poker tournament after 4 days of intense competition, which ironically was also the same amount of time it took for him to bow out of the 2012 playoffs.  I went and did some research on his time playing with the 'Big Boys' because $10 000 of BC's taxes were allocated to his wor-cation and i wanted to find out how much the BC Lottery company was able to get their name out there with their 'celebrity spokesperson'.

Here it is; the girl obviously has no idea who roberto luongo is and a very shaky understanding of hockey in general, like she isn't sure if there was a position called a .... goalie?  Then there's an awkward bit about a butterfly stance which could have been well-played by any self-respecting Italian playa' but it's Luongo were talking about here.  He talks with the exact same level of emotion that we come to expect of him so it's good to see he is still retaining his form when being interviewed about playing in a high pressure environment and then being booted out two hours later. 

http://youtu.be/CMk3qE20j-s

Thankfully through the infamy of the internet and certain unreliable sources, ogie here has found the biggest concern other teams have expressed to Mike Gillis about their willingness to trade for Luongo. Surprisingly it's not his contract, his inability to score on the other team's goalie, or that he has yet to return Todd Bertuzzi's whiskers. 
It's this;

http://lybio.net/roberto-luongo-poetry-hd/sports/

He totally doesn't understand iambic pentameter. 

ogie

What's Another $10000 for our Broken Dreams?

Roberto Luongo is in the news once again.  After becoming invisible since being benched after game 3 of the Canucks first round playoff loss he appeared last week to give his thoughts on the Cory Schneider affair, his time in Vancouver and what to do if someone offers to spot your $10,000 entry fee for a place in a world-class Las Vegas poker tournament.  

Luongo of course, is the hottest goalie commodity unofficially on the trade market since those fifteen minutes when Marty Brodeur hired an agent as a practical joke to mess with Lou Lamorello.  Canuck haters want him to go to Toronto where he can see what it's like to play in a tough hockey market while Luongo supporters want him to go to Florida where he can be closer to his family and he will never have to worry about answering media questions.  However, thanks to his well-deserved ten year contract, few teams are seriously willing to pony up the goods to get that final chip that will enable them to lose in the first round of the playoffs.    

Luongo would rather just play poker and who can blame him?  Well, it seems that most of BC thinks that using taxpayer's money to spot someone who makes $5 million a year $10,000 to go play with 6600 other players (including his less famous brother Fabio Luongo who somehow found $10000 in his underwear drawer to pay his entry fee) isn't the best investment for their money.  They could have bought Tom Fergus twice over.  But if you are the BC lottery Corporation, you go with someone who is publically noted for choking when the chips are down. 

if you got this joke, you're old.

Roberto Luongo is one of the most popular celebrities in all of BC and his presence in Las Vegas, where he is as identifable as the present Tom Fergus, is more than proof enough that he is making a worthwhile contribution to the betterment of our society.  That website's hoodie must have set them back a cool $30 as well.  Although $10G could have bought 1000 starter poker kits for the disadvantaged children of British Columbia or ten tickets at a Canuck playoff game, I am happy that it is being used as a 'thank you' gift from the people of BC for his dedicated work as the Canucks most visible punching bag (after Maxim Lapierre).   

I personally can't wait for my son to be able to distinguish between the hammer and pocket rockets when he's playing with those other marks in his kindergarten class. 
  
So what did BC taxpayers truly get for their $10,000?  A martyred sports celebrity who has all but played his last game as a Canuck to hock a website that features some guy that just looks to reek of too much after-shave, carries the weight of unfulfilled expectations on his shoulders and a future cocaine habit.  Yep, that sounds about right.
      
  

A Vancouver and Columbus win-win situation?

In hindsight, the PA announcer shouldn't have
 started playing "Riot" by Three Days Grace.

First off, on behalf of all of the province of Vancouver I apologize for the lackluster effort put forth by the Canucks in refusing to win 16 straight games to win their first Stanley Cup for the third time.  We can only blame Roberto Luongo for so long  for failing to win the cup in 012, 94, or 82 where i heard he actually didn't even watch one game of the FINALS because he was busy playing with his GI Joe action figures. 

Not saying that Canuck fans are still feeling burned by last year's debacle, but I'd go so far as to suggest that as you read this, someone is working on building a time machine to go back to 1978 and shout 'Luongo sucks' at his parents as they were copulating so that he would never grow up to become a professional goaltender, thereby not disappointing the entire Canuck nation by not stopping each and every goddamn puck that was sent his way by someone in a Boston Bruin sweater.

In all reality i would have nothing against Luongo if he played on any team but the Canucks however let's face it, Vancouver is like the Toronto Maple Leafs of goaltending.  It's where good goaltenders go get verbally assaulted by scrawny or overweight sports reporters that are breathing heavily just holding their microphones up. Vancouver is a black hole that sucks up talent and morale and leaves an empty husk of a man; it is the Jennifer Lopez of NHL cities.

But it's summer and the only hockey news right now is when and where is Luongo going to take the remaining decade of his luuuu-crative contract.  Some dreamers (read Torontonians) want him to don the blue and white so that they could find out if it's theoretically possible for someone to have two assholes torn into them by their rabid fans. I have on good authority that Luongo is hoping to be moved somewhere where he's not expected to have a .990 save percentage, cure leprosy and personally escort every fan to their seat before the game so hello...    

Florida. Considered a favourite for no other reason than that's where his wife is from and nobody will know him. Toronto is considered a favourite because that's where Brian Burke is and Vancouver desperately wants to pay them back for that whole Mats Sundin thing. Plus, Toronto fans mistakenly believe everybody wants to play for them despite the one glaring fact they then would be playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs.  

So while Cory Schneider gleefully wrings his hands at being given the opportunity to crack under pressure once Luongo leaves, all i can say is that i don't blame the guy. I mean after all, he won 75% of his games last year against sub .500 teams. And he very nearly won 2 whole games against the eventual Stanley Cup winning LA Kings. Plus this year he will find out who the hell this Jason Garrison guy is that everyone is talking about. 

We all know goals wins games so in a perfect and sane hockey world (usually only found in my hockey pool), Roberto Luongo goes to Columbus for Rick Nash. Columbus gets a decent goalie that most of Ohio will have no expectations of and Nash gets to play for a team that already has at least 6 other scapegoats to blame when they don't win the cup again next year. It's a win-win.

In unrelated news, Canada's social health care system breathed a sigh of relief in hearing that Sami Salo has decided to head to Tampa Bay to join their IR list.