From the Nostalgic Files - And then there were 2... The 2013 Stanley Cup

Once, a long, long time ago, I wrote a thing or two about hockey. Now there is no hockey. I need my hockey fix. It's the dead time when nothing of importance is going on - but i do think i saw a vaguely familiar NHL player walking downtown yesterday. Why do I think that? He was young, well-built, facial hair (stating 'hey, i've been on vacation for awhile) and had poor fashion sense (so probably rich). I try to keep interested in NHL news but I can't get excited about who won what in arbitration or which player recently signed a minor league contract for X team. 

So, I'm going to post this - an retro article back in the day when life was good and the Hawks had yet to win their second Cup in three years. 

We all know how this ended. The biggest winner by far was 3rd string lunch bucket man Dave Bolland managing to take advantage of scoring the Cup-winning goal into a 5 yr/$27.5 million contract with Florida despite only playing in 58 games the last two years. 

If he continues to take his 2 year yearly average of 29 games played per year to the Panthers, that guy is ringing in approximately $190,000 per game. 

And all because of an incredible let down by the Bruins in Game Six. On behalf of the Chicago fan base and especially Dave Bolland - thank you.

a rare picture of Bolland actually on the ice in Toronto.

2014 Hockey Playoffs - The Year of Iggy

We get it, you're Canadian. You're bummed out because your name is Greg and the Montreal Canadians are the only Canadian team to make the playoffs and you know that you will have to suffer the pain of defeat eventually. You will have to maintain a sliver of hope that the Habs will overcome being the Habs but deep in your heart you know you are destined for heartbreak, as if you were no better than a Canuck fan.

To make matters worse, if the NHL had kept their same format as last year all the other Canadian teams still wouldn't have made the playoffs.

So to everyone besides Greg, let's just forget that we have any type of local geographic or childhood allegiance to our sports teams and let's pick another team to pin all your hopes and dreams on as you avoid all other issues in my life. So for that, let's pick the Boston Bruins, President's Cup winners, all-star and Theon Greyjoy look-a-like Tukka Rask in net and Alberta's other favourite son, Jarome Iginla, on a quest to cap off his career with the Stanley Cup.

One is Lilly Allen's brother, the other is
named Tuukka. 

   
Someone (@ionthesparrow12) has already done a lot of the grunt work for you by making this handy flowchart, making it easier to make that selection;

But Ogie is here to review our 1st round match-ups and boldly predict what everyone else already predicts...

Retro Post from June 11, 2013

There's probably no greater sadness that hits a writer right in the feelsies when something he/she wrote is gone forever into obscure recycling piles or crashed hard drives or poor memory keeping (Filmbin 1.2, anyone? Anyone?). 

I once lost an amazing fake Danny Boyle interview in the trenches of another website's submissions pile and have been pining for it ever since. Realizing that I have no idea what may happen in the world of Internet, I am on a small mission to reclaim all my posts that have been published on other sites. If you've already read these, thanks! If not, enjoy them for the first time!

-ogie

Original site; http://whatculture.com/sport/nhl-the-stanley-cup-and-then-there-were-two.php

Let’s face it, if you are reading this it’s because you have lost the feed on the football channel, you live in the top half of North America or at the very least have a fond appreciation for a game that draws the distinction between fighting and just roughing (roughing is when you keep your gloves on). But for you football fanatics that may have accidentally clicked here, I promise to throw in some football-related trivia later on.

If you are new to the sport of hockey, you could not have picked a better time to start watching the streaming live feeds out of Russia or the Canadian broadcasting company (CBC.ca). The best four games out of seven Stanley Cup Championship featuring the Chicago Blackhawks and the Boston Bruins begins June 12 and this series will make every other game you watch from now on pale in comparison, like having high speed internet compared to a 28.8 dial up modem.

After a hardly-grueling 1/2 season marred by the owners not letting the players start until after the Superbowl was over in a strategic (and lame) cost-cutting measure, a couple of unusual winning streaks and some high profile movement at the trade deadline the race to the Stanley Cup playoffs was it’s usual superficially hyped up event as sports reporters from around Toronto and Vancouver clamored to speculate which 16 of the 30 teams would make it into the playoffs to face their respective teams in the finals. Vancouver found it would take them only the minimum 4 games to stop that dream from happening and break out their golf clubs (as all hockey playoff games are best of sevens for maximum suspense and ticket sales).

This is not the place to bore you with the details of the failed March to the Cup by various teams but what the heck, you are here now anyways so here’s a couple of highlights from the two teams that are still going at it.

In the Eastern Conference there was drama; the Toronto Maple Leafs had the most epic collapse since Mali scored 4 goals in the final 11 minutes to tie Angola in the Africa Cup of Nations tournament in 2010 or Manchester or Liverpool scoring three goals in seven minutes to tie AC Milan in the Champions League Final in 2005 (you’re welcome, footballers).

Clawing their way back from a 3 games to 1 deficit, Toronto was poised to make their way in the second round with a commanding 3 goal lead with 10 minutes left to play in the decisive game 7.  Just over 30 minutes later, the Boston Bruins completed their comeback and sent the Maple Leafs packing and crying back to Canada. Here’s the raw drama of that final 30 minutes condensed nicely into a 3 minute video. It’s funny because it’s so sad…

Then there was the break-out of Old-time Canadian hockey featuring two Canadian hockey teams, the Montreal Canadiens and the Ottawa Senators. This is the type of hockey nobody wants to see which is why this face-breaking hit was replayed repeatedly until something better came along, which was these few minutes of pure awesomeness a couple games later.

In the Western Conference Chicago did it’s usual winning thing in it’s division. Yet they had their fair share of drama as well, giving the Detroit Red Wing faithful the finger as they clawed their way back from a similar 3 games to 1 disadvantage only to win the game 2x in the deciding game 7 after their first game winner with less than 2 minutes left was disallowed due to a public mugging going on of a Chicago player at the Detroit bench. They went on to score again in overtime, defeat last year’s champions the LA Kings and do it decisively in only 5 games.

Now, after three playoff rounds, the Bruins and the Blackhawks are the only two teams left skating. Both teams are equal in stature, beards and all-star goal-tending. Boston does have the giant Slovak Zdeno Chara on their team while Chicago has the seldom played semi-psychotic Dan Carcillo who could bite out Chara’s innards if need be.

If you have yet to see what all the fuss is about in North America and those northern European countries, now is the time to do it.

What's a Deadline and the NHL's Atlantic Division

Holy Crap, like a Tie Domi elbow, the hockey season is already here and hitting us in the face! It took exactly one night for the TSN panel to have something to get excited about; George Parros getting knocked out during a fight (albeit in an unexpected way). You could almost feel the excitement in the TSN station as every video editor rushed to find similar fight clips that ended with someone literally going 'lights out' to end a fight to incorporate into the usual discussion that does nothing but eat up precious minutes as everybody says 'debate' a lot but nobody ever takes the anti-fighting stance. What we need is a good Piers Morgan, Alex Jones debate, then that will make for some good television. 

As is, there is no debate over fighting if nobody is willing to step up and say 'You're wrong and I'm right'. Not to name-drop but TSN's James Duthie even tweeted me telling me to listen more carefully when i asked him the same thing. He came off as bit of a jerk about it, but maybe I'm being too sensitive. Apparently Stevie Y (Tampa Bay), Jim Rutherford (Carolina), Ray Shero (Pittsburgh) and Scotty Bowman (retired) are on the anti-fighting side but looking at their teams, I can see why they don't want fighting. 

Lost in the Opening Night Parros highlight; Grabvoski tweeting Toronto coach Randy Caryle after his hat trick to thank him for not seeing his true potential and giving him the opportunity to go somewhere and actually score some goals. 

Anyways, a quick look at the Teams as the season's underway.

Chicago wins Cup, 48 hours earlier than scheduled! Mass Panic at Blog desk!

I was thinking that this post was going to be a comparison of the Tortorella/Vigneault trade but my Chicago Blackhawks upset my schedule a little bit by winning the Stanley Cup 48 hours before I wanted them to. So in honor of their accomplishment and this, my 100th post on this blog (with still no job offers) here's a look at comparing some facts that the TSN sports reporters dug up.

The Turning Point - the consensus seems to be that it was when Coach Quenneville reunited Patrick Kane with Jonathon Toews and Brian Bickell on the top line says every pro hockey analyst ever.

Ogie says - uh, i'd say the Turning Point was when Brian Bickell tied it and then Dave Bolland scored that goal-ahead goal 17 seconds later. Instead of going back to Chicago for Game 7, The double B's changed that making all of Chicago's Black Aces race to get their gear on to prepare for the presentation about to happen in less than 2 minutes.

The Other NHL Awards

The Others Awards budget is pretty, pretty tight thanks to
GARY BETTMAN

It's that time of the year again, where we all get distracted by the confusing scheduling of the NHL Awards and Ceremonies right at the height of the Stanley Cup Finals. While most leagues prefer to wait until after the ceremonial booing of the commissioner, the NHL says 'Bullshit' to that idea and instead hosts a highly visual and star-struck affair (if one considers current and former hockey players stars) in the heart of the Stanley Cup Finals because that will probably be the last time anyone really cares about hockey until July 1st.

So while the NHL vets itself and it's players, placing a little extra weight on stupid reporter questions about what winning an award means to the two involved that are still competing for the biggest award in pro sports (Jonathon Toews and Patrice Bergeron), let's take a look at some other not-so-popular awards that will be handed out in the back alley behind a dumpster to homeless people on the morning of the Awards.


The Best Name in Hockey Award Goes To;  Johnny Oduya, Chicago Blackhawks. 

Runner Ups, Johnny Boychuk (Boston Bruins), Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)

His family, friends, coaches and teammates just call him '14'

With a name like 'Johnny' where else can you be still taken seriously but in hockey?

While Boychuk got points for being able to substitute boychuk woodchuck in the ancient tongue twister:
 'how much boys could a boy chuck chuck if a boy chuck could chuck boys?'
Oduya's last name is so phonetically great as it's own comeback that it takes my pick for name of the year.
'I think I will just go around this Chicago defenseman here who isn't Keith or Seabrook.'
'Oduya.'
'Oh, I do all right. Just watch me.'

Honorable Mention to Brooks Orpik, named after legendary USA coach Herb Brooks, which sadly shows that here was a boy who had no choice in life but to play hockey to please his hockey-loving father.

Boston Bruins Vs The 2013 Stanley Cup Champions

And then there were 2...

Fuck me. Of all the teams that may make my Stanley Cup prediction fail, it would be the Boston Bruins. I never really considered them to make it this far at the start. No real reason, maybe just fell onto that Pittsburgh Penguin train of thought or didn't bother considering them because well...Blackhawks.

Toews didn't realize the taxi driver was a Bruins fan.

However, this could very well be one of the most even match-ups in recent history. Now some of you may disagree with me which is fine because I can't hear you.  But the Vancouver/Boston series was a contest between high-class and low-classs; of east coast and west coast, Starbucks vs Dunkin' Donuts, finger biting vs. face punching.
It was ironic that the most effective Canucks (in my opinion) were closest to the Bruins in mentality; Raffi Torres and Aaron Rome who's names are now both synonymous with 'instant concussion and suspension'.

I'm not saying it's coincidence (it's Mike Gillis) but neither of those two are playing for the Canucks anymore and the Canucks are fading fast from Stanley Cup contention. Gillis is saying that window is closing despite still having 2 starting goalies and their all-star Sedins. A Canuck fan only has to look at the Bruins, who have kept their roster pretty much intact and lost only their all-star goalie to start breaking out the Crying Towel and just sit back and prepare for the inevitable 'rebuilding' talk.

But that's for another day. Let's get to figuring out just how close this Stanley Cup will be. Here is Ogie's nuanced breakdown of the Chicago Blackhawks and Boston Bruins, two of the original six teams but I doubt that fact will be mentioned less than 50x leading up to the puck drop on Wednesday and 10x a game after that before commercial breaks.

Rehashing/Updating Playoff Reviews;

It's come down to this, the Final Four. Coincidentally, they are also the last 4 Stanley Cup champions so you know that most of these guys know what it takes to win the Cup. More importantly, that guy behind the bench with the continual axe over his head knows what it takes to win and they will do everything possible in the name of job security to keep their general managers and owners happy.

While it is often said talent wins championships, you only have to look at those players that have never won a Cup to know that is not true. It takes teamwork, talent and a hard-working coach that tries to maximize every little advantage in the name of winning (Alain Vigneault famously rarely had the Sedins take a face-off in the defensive zone). It is safe to say that if it weren't for the work of these four men and their assistants that we wouldn't be pretty psyched up for these two conference finals.


The Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Joel Quenneville. 

Jesus. This looks to be the face of a guy who is going off to kill babies or something during Roman times. This is also the face of a coach who's team got a point in 24 straight games to start the season so he's doing something right.

I wouldn't want to piss him off and i think that's probably the Hawks biggest fear and why they win.

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

#5 Los Angeles Kings

Analyzing The Team - Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels, but the LA Angels sounded too girly so they were named the much more masculine Kings. The Kings were one of the 'Next 6' teams that entered the league in the late 60's to great fan fare and decades of losing (see Vancouver Canucks early years). They have had many great moments in team history but nobody knows it because they barely crack the top 100 of things to do in LA, just above 'snort cocaine off Gary Busey's driveway'. Last year they apparently won the Stanley Cup, the first 8th seeded team to do so in North American sports, showing that really, final standing means nothing in the NHL, thanks to GARY BETTMAN.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Daryl Sutter

And here's his polar opposite. This guy looks to have the patience of a turtle (and yes, he kind of looks like one too). He's a guy that will patiently wait for the zamboni guy to scrape the ice away from zamboni doors before going on the rink. He's also a guy who has led a team of cast-offs to Stanley Cup glory, becoming the first team to beat the 1st and 2nd place teams to do that. 

I'd say his players win not because they fear him, but they just want him to be proud of them. 

Nobody really cared for the new guy, 'Mike Messier'.

Analyzing the Team Name - A King is 2nd only to God in terms of power rankings, although throughout history Popes have disputed this fact. LA is also habited by many queens, a couple of princes and Mathew Perry. King head coach Darryl Sutter was praised for his ability to spark a mediocre team to Stanley Cup glory and to raise sporadic power forward Dustin Penner from the dead and make him a 2 time Stanley Cup champion, which causes Hall of Famers Cam Neely, Jarome Iginla, Eric Lindros and Wendel Clark to weep silently into their pillows at night.

In terms of Anger Management Issues, Blackhawks take this series in 6 games.

The Eastern Conference

#4 Boston Bruins

Analyzing the team - Have an emotional end of the season, having to postpone 2 games to extenuating circumstances and Tim Thomas's facebook statuses.  They are run by the Dark Lord himself, Jeremy Jacobs who is rumored to deduct the cost of a puck going out of play off of the offending player's salary.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Claude Julien

Although he looks a bit mad here, he also looks as if he could easily be your drunken Uncle Burt at the latest family gathering or at the very least, the overly passionate fan beside you at a football game. You feel that his game plan consists of simple speeches like 'Go get'm!'.

His players win because he's the type of coach that proves to be hilarious once he's drunk.

To be fair, that is a duck he's beating on

Analyzing the team name - Bruins are a Eurasian name for a species of bear, which was once plentiful in Europe but have been all but made extinct by the voracious appetite of giant Zdeno Chara who insists on eating one every morning on game day. Still, a bruin would be considered a formidable opponent, even if Chara hadn't already eaten it.

More FOOODDD

vs

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Dan Blysma

First, this is the most unflattering picture i could find of Dan. He's just a super photogenic dude who i like to imagine that I was supposed to turn out like once i hit my fort-thirties. He looks more like your more successful older brother and the reason why his team wins is because they just want to impress him so he will buy them booze.
And oh yeah, he has a guy named Sidney Crosby on his team which helps immensely (see Glen Sather coaching record before and after Gretzky).

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

In the wild, when a Bruin meets a Penquin, carnage ensues. Same here. Bruins in 5.

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Final Eight

Western Conference First Round Recap

Biggest Surprise; The Chicago Blackhawks allowed the Minnesota Wild to actually beat them once on the way to their 5 game victory. Showing what $200 million in off-season acquisitions can get you, besides a league-wide lockout, the Wild put on a daring display of ferocity and puck-moving while in practice scrimmages but were unable to translate that at game time, which to be fair at times would be best to visualize as flock of starlings going up against an Apache helicopter.

Biggest letdown; The Vancouver Canucks who apparently were in the finals 2 years ago but looked like it would have trouble beating the Edmonton Oilers' mothers in a pick-up game. Lacking any sense of passion, scoring or a true #1 goaltender, the Vancouver Canucks rode the apathy train to Sweeptown in losing 4 straight to San Torres Sharks with the only fight from the Canucks appearing in who could get to the team bus quickest in what should have been a much closer series than it was. However, for fans of the Canucks, they have lots to look forward to in the upcoming months as they continually read about potential trade rumors involving Roberto Luongo and discuss in fan forums how the referees, the league and Raffi Torres were out to get them.

The 2nd Round Match ups;

Chicago vs. Detroit 

                         vs         

On one side you have the Blackhawks, an unstoppable hockey force that plays with it's opponents the way Mike Tyson played with that guy's face in The Hangover. On the other side you have the other Original Six team, the Detroit Red Wings, who have absolutely nothing going for them other than their decades long tradition of being in the playoffs, their incredible depth of European talent and a guy named Jimmy Howard in net who at times has looked somewhat mortal.

Chicago in six because it's Detroit and every sports show loves showing a clip of someone picking up an octopus off the ice. 

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Eastern teams (aka the runner uppers)

Give me my precioussssss, wraith riderrrr. 

Finally, after nearly three minutes of highlight worthy drama, the compacted season has ended for most teams quite early in the East, especially down in Florida where it ended back on the 2nd week of the truncated NHL season.  Yet, due to Owner flunky and league commissioner Gary Bettman the entire Southwestern division still had to play out the year to give hockey and Winnipeg Jet fans the chance to see if Coach Claude Noel could usurp John Tortorella as the NHL's worst interview.

Here are some completely uneducated and unfounded playoff predictions for the 1st round eastern match ups.

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

VS

#8 New York Islanders

Analyzing the team - Wait? What? The islanders are in the playoffs? How did that happen you ask? Remember the Southeast division? This is what happens.  Blame GARY BETTMAN.  The fact that they are in the playoffs makes a mockery of all that Rick DiPietro, Alexi Yashin, Mike Milbury and Charles Wang have worked years to destroy.

To be fair, the Islander management did get something right

Analyzing the team name - Another team based on their geographical location and which will seem utterly stupid next year when they move from Manhattan Island inland to Brooklyn. Thankfully, they are not the first team to suffer like this, as basketball's LA Lakers were originally named for the lakes of Minnesota before their move, NFL's Phoenix Cardinals shared the name of the state bird of the MLB's St. Louis Cardinals and  the Montreal Canadiens were once named for the amount of Canadiens on their team.


Playoff Prediction; This is the type of series that every Penguin lover sees as proof almighty that they were meant to win the Cup. For the Islanders, this series just reminds them that they have a lot of work still ahead of them to be considered contenders.  Penguins in four straight.

Just because it's a Wednesday...

Apparently not photoshopped, this is the NHL's version of 'Opposites'. The Big Guy needs no introduction, but for the record he stands 6'9. 

The little guy there is Buffalo Sabres Nathan Gerbe, this decade's Cliff Ronning, standing at 5'5.

the more i look at this the more questions i have...

yep...he has always been this tall...

Bieksa's probably saying "Eat Burrows first, he's wiry."

Gerbe and Chara in action, so...not photoshopped.

In my day, sticks didn't do that...

Who looks like the 2013 Trade Geniuses; 1st Day on the New Job

It's always important to judge a trade by the very first game that the recent victims/rental players participate in with their new team. After all, they don't know anybody yet, nobody has tried to hit on their girlfriends and reporters are madly trying to get their first angle for a news story on the 'new guy'. So here's the immediate winners from the NHL trade deadline day;

Tampa Bay Lightning;

the O on his jersey could be called 'fore-shadowing'or 
amount of Lightning fans who had heard of Ben Bishop.

Ben Bishop earns a shut out with his first game of the Bolts, the first in new Coach Cooper's career with a 5-0 rout over the always dangerous Carolina Hurricanes, champion of both North and South Carolina.
Bishop stopped 45 shots for his first win for Tampa Bay which unfortunately means that unless he continues to post a 1000 save % for the rest of the season, there is nowhere to go but down.

I am extremely happy with you guys right now,
don't confuse this with my mad face.

New York Rangers

This team looks like geniuses right now (yes, tortorella is still their coach). Ryan Clowe gets 2 goals and an assist, Derek Brassard formerly of Columbus gets 1G 3A and John Moore also scores a goal in their first showing in Rangers uniforms. Clowe gets calls from Mark Messier asking to be in on the next photo op, but Clowe wisely declines.

Memories from a Saturday Night Hockey Night

Wow, it's been awhile since i've watched some hockey on Saturday night.  I caught 1/2 of the Montreal-Pittsburgh game when it was already 4-2, which in today's NHL is considered a high-scoring game. I figured that was it for scoring but apparently nobody told the goalies that. Montreal scored 2 before the period was out, making it 4-4 by the end of the 2nd period. Hey, a game that involves scoring!

Then Montreal scores to take the lead at the start of the 3rd period and the Montreal drunken faithful start singing that Ole, ole, ole chant with about 15 minutes left in the game which is a) pretty cocky and b) pretty stupid. Sure, maybe if that made it a 3 goal lead but the way these goalies were playing it was pretty premature. Plus, it's Montreal; no game is a sure win for them since 1977.

Sure enough Pittsburgh scores then there are some more goals and then I see...him; WTF! - Thomas Kaberle is playing for Montreal? He's been on more teams in the last three years than Michel Petit. Yeah, I WENT THERE. I thought Kabs retired after he won a Stanley Cup with Boston carrying Zdeno Chara's hockey sticks into the dressing room. Yet, seeing him reminded me of a hockey souvenir shop i went to in Parry Sound, birthplace of Bobby Orr and coincidentally also home of the Bobby Orr Hall of Fame and Museum.

So I'm walking around the small town center and duck into this little curio shop full of sorts of stuff and there, hanging from a rafter are three hockey pictures. There is a framed picture of Bobby, at a cost of $75.  There is also a picture of Mario Lemieux for the same price. Which is fine, both hall-of-famers, both retired. But then, right between these 2 superstars of the game is a picture of Thomas Kaberle as a Toronto Maple Leaf.  For some reason, this picture was, you guessed it: $75.

$75 with frame? Sold!

$75 with frame? Sold!

                                                                                                         

$75 with a free trip to Disneyland? ...uh..
I'll get back to you.

To give you an idea how preposterous this was, here are the three individual stats for these guys:

Great Hockey Riots #7

Great Hockey Riots #7  Vancouver Canucks lose in 7 games to Boston Bruins 2010

If the Montreal Canadiens are the New York Yankees of baseball, the Vancouver Canucks are the Buffalo Bills of the NFL.  They've been to the finals 3x in their history and have come away empty-handed each time.  Unless you are a fan and then you most likely will come away with something that you grabbed quickly out of a broken store window while running from tear gas and the riot police. 

In 2010, fresh off the high of a successful Winter Olympics Vancouver decided to follow the same format by making every game day of the final a 'party in the city'.  Streets were cordoned off, huge large screen televisions were placed up high and people poured into the city on free public transit to watch the games while drinking smuggled liquor out of thermoses and brown paper bags.  What could go wrong?

I sense a MAXIM article in here somewhere...

Well, as city officials found out in 2010, lots.  Cars parked too close to the rink where the Boston Bruins were being presented the cup were first vandalized then burned.  Riot police were called in and in a questionable decision pushed the crowds away from the rink into the downtown core where the real rioting began.  Cars were torched, people beat up, tear gas deployed.  Hundreds of dollars of damage.  Stores vandalized and robbed.   And just to show you how cool Canadian men can be this picture of a dude making out with an Australian girl became world famous.  

It was largely agreed by everybody that this was a great riot; the cops were able to use all their toys, politicians were able to condemn the actions of these 'non-hockey' fans and vigilante justice evolved into a very public Facebook outing of certain rioters, many who have yet to have officially to stand trial in 'real' court.  Yep, everyone had fun, except for this guy, who took a firecracker to the balls.

And just to put this riot in perspective, here is how the Boston Bruins Andrew Ference and bunch of Bruins fans celebrated their Stanley Cup win; 

And a million Canadian hockey fans died all over again that day...

Great Hockey Riots #10

#10- Montreal Riot of 2008 beat Boston Bruins/ 1st round

Montreal, the most exotic city in all of North America.  The heart of Quebec province in Canada, it's poutine-bloated inhabitants love two things; hating English people and their hockey team, the Montreal Canadiens.  The Canadiens were once to hockey what the New York Yankees continue to be to baseball; storied champions of their respective leagues.
At one time, Montreal and the Yankees were neck and neck regarding championships;  The Yankees continue to dominate, now having won 27 World Series championships and continue to be a year in, year out dominant force in major league baseball while Montreal continues to be just barely in Canada.  The last time the Canadiens won their 24th Stanley Cup, Bill Clinton was President, Windows 3 was introduced and Jurassic Park was the last time anyone paid to see Jeff Goldblum be Jeff Goldblum.  

"This is the pre-riot riot.  The real riot starts in an hour."

Now, the best way to summarize the NHL playoffs, which basically is an entire 2nd season is this; after a grueling 82 game schedule half the teams make the playoffs.  A team, once qualifying for the playoffs, needs to win 16 games against 4 opponents in series lasting seven games.  The least amount of games a team would play is 16, the most 28.  It's a long pro-acted affair that manages to hold all of Canada's (and whichever American teams that don't get eliminated attention).  It's like the American election only it doesn't happen every four years - it happens every year (in theory).      

Yet in 2008, there was a glimmer of hope besides Obama.  The Canadians had finally returned to the Big Dance, and their first opponent was their historical arch nemesis, the Boston Bruins.

The Canadiens won the series (4 games to 3) and to the Montreal riot faithful, it was as good as a championship.  And what better way for nostalgic Montreal fans to celebrate not only their long history of championship hockey and rioting by having a riot?

Sixteen police cars were destroyed, nearly equal that to the Bandit's total in Smokey and the Bandit.  Over five hundred thousand dollars in damage was done.  And do you know how many were arrested?  Sixteen!  And it takes sixteen games to win the cup!  Yet, despite the police car for each playoff win theory sounded promising, the rioters could have stopped at five, as despite all this hockey enthusiasm, the Canadiens Stanley Cup hopes were crushed as they were soundly defeated by the Philadelphia Flyers four games to one.


http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/story/2008/04/22/mtl-habs.html

A Vancouver and Columbus win-win situation?

In hindsight, the PA announcer shouldn't have
 started playing "Riot" by Three Days Grace.

First off, on behalf of all of the province of Vancouver I apologize for the lackluster effort put forth by the Canucks in refusing to win 16 straight games to win their first Stanley Cup for the third time.  We can only blame Roberto Luongo for so long  for failing to win the cup in 012, 94, or 82 where i heard he actually didn't even watch one game of the FINALS because he was busy playing with his GI Joe action figures. 

Not saying that Canuck fans are still feeling burned by last year's debacle, but I'd go so far as to suggest that as you read this, someone is working on building a time machine to go back to 1978 and shout 'Luongo sucks' at his parents as they were copulating so that he would never grow up to become a professional goaltender, thereby not disappointing the entire Canuck nation by not stopping each and every goddamn puck that was sent his way by someone in a Boston Bruin sweater.

In all reality i would have nothing against Luongo if he played on any team but the Canucks however let's face it, Vancouver is like the Toronto Maple Leafs of goaltending.  It's where good goaltenders go get verbally assaulted by scrawny or overweight sports reporters that are breathing heavily just holding their microphones up. Vancouver is a black hole that sucks up talent and morale and leaves an empty husk of a man; it is the Jennifer Lopez of NHL cities.

But it's summer and the only hockey news right now is when and where is Luongo going to take the remaining decade of his luuuu-crative contract.  Some dreamers (read Torontonians) want him to don the blue and white so that they could find out if it's theoretically possible for someone to have two assholes torn into them by their rabid fans. I have on good authority that Luongo is hoping to be moved somewhere where he's not expected to have a .990 save percentage, cure leprosy and personally escort every fan to their seat before the game so hello...    

Florida. Considered a favourite for no other reason than that's where his wife is from and nobody will know him. Toronto is considered a favourite because that's where Brian Burke is and Vancouver desperately wants to pay them back for that whole Mats Sundin thing. Plus, Toronto fans mistakenly believe everybody wants to play for them despite the one glaring fact they then would be playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs.  

So while Cory Schneider gleefully wrings his hands at being given the opportunity to crack under pressure once Luongo leaves, all i can say is that i don't blame the guy. I mean after all, he won 75% of his games last year against sub .500 teams. And he very nearly won 2 whole games against the eventual Stanley Cup winning LA Kings. Plus this year he will find out who the hell this Jason Garrison guy is that everyone is talking about. 

We all know goals wins games so in a perfect and sane hockey world (usually only found in my hockey pool), Roberto Luongo goes to Columbus for Rick Nash. Columbus gets a decent goalie that most of Ohio will have no expectations of and Nash gets to play for a team that already has at least 6 other scapegoats to blame when they don't win the cup again next year. It's a win-win.

In unrelated news, Canada's social health care system breathed a sigh of relief in hearing that Sami Salo has decided to head to Tampa Bay to join their IR list.