NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Western Conference (aka Home of the 2013 Stanley Cup Champions)

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

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#8 Minnesota Wild

Analyzing The Team - Minnesota made big news last summer when their management precipitated the lock out by signing 2 highly coveted free agents to multi-million dollar decade long contracts despite their proven ability in never winning a Stanley Cup. The wealth of experience that Zach Parise and Ryan Suter brought in not winning when it counts in the Stanley Cup playoffs will be a boon to the Wild as they bow out in four straight games.

This is either Parise or Suter. Hard to tell

Analyzing the Team Name -  The Wild team name, much like their crest is difficult to figure out. It is one of only 4 other North American professional sports teams (so, excluding soccer) that can't be pluralized (no, i won't tell you the others).  The crest sort of looks like a tripped out mountain lion from afar but on closer inspection is more of forest at night motif. Minnesota has lots of lakes that are frozen over much of the year and is known solely for it's most (and only) famous native Minnesotan, Prince.

I guess the Minnesota 'White-Outs' came in second.

Playoff Prediction; hahahahaha ha haha (gasp,gasp) hahahahahaha
#2 Anaheim Ducks

Analyzing The Team - The Ducks were created by recovering alcoholic Emilio Estevez who was punished for drunk-driving by being given the responsibility of coaching a kids' hockey team because American justice is fucked. That team grew up to become the Ducks and was the greatest team ever created by Brian Burke, so he tells you in the unemployment line. They are currently led by three amazingly wealthy forwards who look 'forward' to losing to the Blackhawks if they can waddle their way to the rink from their dressing room without getting lost.

Cory Perry, Ryan Getslaf and Bobby Ryan looking forward
to the team awards dinner.

Analyzing the Team Name - The first thing Brian Burke did to make the team tougher was drop the 'Mighty' from their names. He also got Chris Pronger which made it very difficult for other players to make fun of the name when they were picking bits of their teeth out of their mouths. Ducks are known primarily for their ability to waddle and being the the second most popular animal on Old McDonald's farm. The only bird less fearsome than a duck is possibly the penquin or a dead chickadee.


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#7 Detroit Red Wings
Analyzing The Team - The Detroit Red Wings created some drama by pretending to not be interested in being in the playoffs for the first time in 21 years. It took until the final day of the season for them to let the rest of the league know they were only kidding and instead of waiting for Nick Lidstrom to bail them out just decided to let one of their other hockey hall of famers lead them to victory.

the Red Wings celebrating another birthday

Analyzing the Team Name -  Detroit was once considered the 'Motor City' and thereby given the winged wheel logo. Today, the team is full of communists which is simply adorable. Their all for one philosophy has done little for them over the years, other than make them continual Cup favourites, sell out every home game, and made them one of the most legendary teams in the last 2 decades. If it weren't for the Blackhawks, Detroit would have beat out whichever Eastern team they had to face in the Finals.



Playoff Prediction; Need we even get into this? The Ducks have won one cup in their history, thanks to Detroit's rule of allowing other teams to win once in awhile to keep everybody else interested. Detroit just realized that Nick Lidstrom is no longer on their blue line and appear to have adjusted accordingly. I'm going Detroit in 6.

#3 Vancouver Canucks

pick a logo, any logo

Analyzing The Team - over the last decade, the Canucks have become a league powerhouse, says anyone from Vancouver. Yet, despite the high-scoring Sedin twins, an all-star back up goalie and the legacy of winning Mark Messier failed to provide, the Canucks continue to have the most annoying fan base in the league, says every  Maple Leaf fan. The Canucks could have won the Stanley Cup this year, but they are not due to be back in the finals until the year 2026, going by team history.  Everyone is looking forward to their hard-fought series against the 2013 Stanley Cup champions, Chicago Blackhawks.

pick a jersey, any jersey

The Canucks strategy to use both uniforms to confuse opponents
was disallowed, thanks again to GARY BETTMAN

Analyzing the Team Name - Canuck is technically a derisive term for a Canadian, like mick is to the Irish, dago is to the Italians and Zdeno Chara is to tall people. Their fans are called Can-knuckle heads and their players are often fed Can-knuckle sandwiches by opposing players, unless Todd Bertuzzi was on the ice, then they just tried to watch their back and got ready to call 911. Today, continually racked by injuries, despite no longer having Sami Salo, the Canucks just keep an ambulance by the zamboni, cutting out the middle man.


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#6 San Jose Sharks

Analyzing The Team - the Sharks are a perennial favorite to win the Stanley Cup at the start of every season, although nobody seems to tell them that they actually have to win 16 games to do that, not just the first 2 of every opening round they have ever played. Led by Joe Thornton and a host of other semi-familiar big names that you generally only hear about come Trade Deadline day, the team looks poised to once again be quickly eliminated in the first round.

In hindsight, their 'be a shark for a year' contest 
shouldn't have been open to homeless people like Rob Rutter.

Analyzing the Team Name - Sharks are one of the most feared fish in the ocean and have gained such devoted respect and awe of their prowess that there is one solid week of the year exclusively devoted to them on television. The hockey sharks only manage a few minutes per year of local  coverage usually on the evening news.  Real sharks, much like the San Jose Sharks are absolutely useless on real ice and pose no real threat to anybody, so, pretty appropriate. 

Playoff Prediction; This is pretty much a flip of the coin. On one side you have the playoff absent Sedin twins, a decimated checking line, a starting goaltender controversy and Kevin Bieksa's jaw line. On the other side you have a Stanley Cup winning goaltender, an all-star playmaker that also fails to show up in playoffs and a couple bearded homeless men that make up the Sharks defense.  Because I would like to see another Chicago/Canucks matchup I'm going with the Canucks in seven.

#4 St. Louis Blues

Analyzing The Team - are apparently a pretty good team as sports announcers like to remind us. Most other teams just kind of forget to show up to St. Louis games, already having been bored to death watching game video of Blues coach Ken Hitchcock's preferred style of play, which mainly involves boring other teams to death. And it works.

Jay Bouwmeester fitting right in at the
Blues playoff practice

Analyzing the Team Name - the Blues are apparently named after the musical style that brings to mind people complaining about the life they lead, the life they are dealt and the quality and loos morals of their women. So a perfect fit for anybody who lives in St. Louis.

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#5 Los Angeles Kings

Analyzing The Team - Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels, but the LA Angels sounded too girly so they were named the much more masculine Kings. The Kings were one of the 'Next 6' teams that entered the league in the late 60's to great fan fare and decades of losing (see Vancouver Canucks early years). They have had many great moments in team history but nobody knows it because they barely crack the top 100 of things to do in LA, just above 'snort cocaine off Gary Busey's driveway'. Last year they apparently won the Stanley Cup, the first 8th seeded team to do so in North American sports, showing that really, final standing means nothing in the NHL, thanks to GARY BETTMAN.

Nobody really cared for the new guy, 'Mike Messier'.

Analyzing the Team Name - A King is 2nd only to God in terms of power rankings, although throughout history Popes have disputed this fact. LA is also habited by many queens, a couple of princes and Mathew Perry. King head coach Darryl Sutter was praised for his ability to spark a mediocre team to Stanley Cup glory and to raise sporadic power forward Dustin Penner from the dead and make him a 2 time Stanley Cup champion, which causes Hall of Famers Cam Neely, Jarome Iginla, Eric Lindros and Wendel Clark to weep silently into their pillows at night.



Playoff Prediction; In what should be the least viewed series of the opening round, it will be Blues coach Ken Hitchcock's smothering defensive play going up against LA coach Daryyl Sutter's monotonous drone in post-game interviews. The Kings knocked off the Blues last year on their way to the Cup but i don't see it happening again. Blues in six games, with a combined goal total between the 2 teams as five.