The NHL. What you Need to Know. Part 1 of 4

The NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month.

Here is what you need to know about this year's teams, all anxious to try to relive the pace and glory of last year's shortened 48 game season by starting 4 months earlier and returning to an 82 game (give or take) schedule.

The NHL continues to make a mockery of consistent rules, divisions and Canadian hockey fans by continuing to allow teams to play in such tropical destinations as Florida, Texas and Arizona where one can see a professional hockey team for cheaper than attending a local high school's drama class production of Oklahoma.

where the hell is the Smythe area of North America?

Gone are the six divisions that meant nothing for the last 20 years replaced by four divisions that still mean nothing. The new structure still means each conference will have 8 teams that qualify for the playoffs but in keeping with it's unusual scoring system, the following method will be used to keep fans confused until the final days of the regular season when they learn if their team has qualified or not.

From NHL.com; 

The top three teams in each division will make up the first 12 teams in the playoffs. The remaining four spots will be filled by the next two highest-placed finishers in each conference -- regardless of division -- based on regular-season points. It will be possible for one division to send five teams to the postseason while the other sends three.

The seeding of the wild-card teams within each divisional playoff will be determined by regular-season points. The division winner with the most points in the conference will be matched against the wild-card team with the fewest points; the division winner with the second-most points in the conference will play the wild-card team with the second-fewest points.

Simple. And how does a team get these points to qualify for the playoffs?

Just nod and move on...

A team gets 2 points for a straight-up win. If both teams tie, they each get a point. They play a 5 minute overtime session, at which time each team is minus 1 player. If someone scores, the winning team gets 2 points and the losing team gets 1 point. If nobody scores in extra time, the teams go to a shoot out where players take turns trying to score on breakaways (much like a penalty kick). If they score, that goal doesn't count as a goal on their point totals but their team could win, as long as the other team doesn't score. Eventually, everyone gets bored and they all go home and wait for the NHL statisticians to tell us what happened.

As I said you don't really need to worry about it. Chances are your team will just make or just miss the playoffs thanks to the league's continual attempt to ensure team parity. Just pick a team then come back in April.

On to the teams!

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Eastern teams (aka the runner uppers)

Give me my precioussssss, wraith riderrrr. 

Finally, after nearly three minutes of highlight worthy drama, the compacted season has ended for most teams quite early in the East, especially down in Florida where it ended back on the 2nd week of the truncated NHL season.  Yet, due to Owner flunky and league commissioner Gary Bettman the entire Southwestern division still had to play out the year to give hockey and Winnipeg Jet fans the chance to see if Coach Claude Noel could usurp John Tortorella as the NHL's worst interview.

Here are some completely uneducated and unfounded playoff predictions for the 1st round eastern match ups.

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

VS

#8 New York Islanders

Analyzing the team - Wait? What? The islanders are in the playoffs? How did that happen you ask? Remember the Southeast division? This is what happens.  Blame GARY BETTMAN.  The fact that they are in the playoffs makes a mockery of all that Rick DiPietro, Alexi Yashin, Mike Milbury and Charles Wang have worked years to destroy.

To be fair, the Islander management did get something right

Analyzing the team name - Another team based on their geographical location and which will seem utterly stupid next year when they move from Manhattan Island inland to Brooklyn. Thankfully, they are not the first team to suffer like this, as basketball's LA Lakers were originally named for the lakes of Minnesota before their move, NFL's Phoenix Cardinals shared the name of the state bird of the MLB's St. Louis Cardinals and  the Montreal Canadiens were once named for the amount of Canadiens on their team.


Playoff Prediction; This is the type of series that every Penguin lover sees as proof almighty that they were meant to win the Cup. For the Islanders, this series just reminds them that they have a lot of work still ahead of them to be considered contenders.  Penguins in four straight.

The 2013 NHL Trade Deadline (for realsies)

It's that time of year again, which really has only really seemed to pick up speed since the last lockout; the
NHL Trade deadline.  It's a time where former NHL hockey players and team executives that are no longer considered employable give their opinions on Canada's sports networks on potential rumours and trades that may happen on the last day of the year's eligibility before the playoffs and helps explain why they are no longer employed by viable NHL franchises.

Damn it Quebec; We said viable NHL franchises

Of course, with the shortened schedule due to some lock out or something, nearly every team still has a chance to make the playoffs.  I'm not going to get into the specifics of how a team with 38 points will finish in 3rd place ahead of a team with 45 points because let's face it, if you are reading this, you probably have learnt to ignore the standings like me and just wait for the final day when it's all said and done.

So, back to the Trade deadline; which in Canada gets as much hype as the pre-game before the Superbowl. It should also be called "Man-Day" as that is pretty much all it is; men talking about other men joining other men for other men while they look into their smart phones where they will be receiving texts and sending tweets about every stupid rumour that can be dug up.

Speaking as a man, it is really quite silly and a complete waste of time.  It's the CNN equivalent of election coverage with a lot of people talking but really saying nothing.  So that said, i'm talking now about what's already happened.

1st - There really hasn't been any 'trades' in the last few years.  It's one thing to have 2 franchise players switch teams.  That's a trade.  Lately it's been predominantly 'future considerations' in the form of unproven players in the minors and/or draft picks which are unproven players in the minor minors.

Can anyone name who Jarome Iginla, Jaromir Jagr, Derek Roy, Douglas Murray, Brenden Morrow, Ryan Clowe, Jay Bouwmeester, Simone Gagne, Tim Thomas, Alex Ponivarosky, Mike Brown, Robyn Regehr have been traded for?

In fact, the only straight up trades in recent memory involved Kassian for Hodgson, 2 young players with potential but really still unproven.  Jeff Carter for Jack Johnson was a good old fashioned trade, but then again it involved a Sutter in Los Angeles and whichever local college graduate was running the Columbus Blue Jackets at the time.

Anyone hoping for a Luongo for Kessel trade or anything like that may as well shut off the tv and go outside.

Top Ten Most Likely Moments;

Canuck low-lights part 4 of an ongoing series in non-chronological order

Back to hockey;


(Full disclosure; i found this little bit in the drafts section of my blog written obviously before my Canadian hockey soul was once again crushed by the NHL.  Trying to keep the home fires burning, so to speak, i've finally edited it in a lackluster way and well, here you go) .

Over the years, I've heard plenty of reasons why the Canucks should win the Cup. 

All right, I lie.  I don't really hear any reasons why, other than people think that for some reason, Vancouver deserves a Stanley Cup because it's goddamn Vancouver.  Nothing could be worse for a city who's residents already have dangerous self-involved hockey ego issues to comparable to Montrealish embarrassing heights.  However the question really is; does the Canuck organization (in any incarnation) deserve their name on Stanley? 

Despite their recent back to back President's trophies, the answer is a quick No.  From their treatment of past players to present day fans, the faceless entity deserves little respect from that chalice that demands perfection, persistence and patience.  Insert P joke here...

I'm resigned, like i think most hockey fans are that there will be no hockey before at least christmas.  The NHL owners have put their foot down and said 'hey, we could be making more money if we weren't handing out insane amounts of money for marquee players' while the players are saying "Shea Weber? Who did he play for? What's my agent's number in Bermuda?"

So in an effort to remain interested in what's going to happen in my fantasy hockey pool, i've been reading 'I'm not making this up' by Al Strachan, which is great candid reading for behind-the-scenes hockey fans who like to hear more of what a player is like other than their stats and pending free agent status.

But back to the original question; does Vancouver deserve a Stanley Cup?

Exhibit A;

The story of Pavel Bure

One of the top three Russians to enter the NHL when the barriers were finally dropped, Bure was the superstar that Canuck fans always dreamed of and marketing executives drooled over.  Like Alex Mogilny and Sergei Federov before him, he was young, entertaining, and man, could he play.  I remember highlights of his first game against Winnipeg.  He was fast. Like really fast. If i need to tell you his nickname, you shouldn't be here.  But spoiler alert; he was traded to Florida with Bret Hedican, Brad Ference, and Vancouver's third-round choice in the 2000 NHL Entry Draft (Robert Fried) for Ed Jovanovski, Dave Gagner, Mike Brown, Kevin Weekes.  Why would Vancouver's first true superstar demand to be traded?  Probably since the way he was treated since the first day of his arrival.


The story goes that during the mess of trying to get Bure cleared from his duties to play for the Russian team, he traveled to LA to his agent's house, where he was expecting to meet up with Canuck representatives to help him with his transition to Canada.  Nobody contacted him for 10 days.  Finally he was contacted by Brian Burke who told him to sit tight, which meant another 2 weeks while the Canucks worked on the legalities of the deal. 
So you have this young kid, leaving his mother country to come play for you and you don't even have the respect to meet him as he comes off the plane in another country?  Then you don't even contact him for a week?
Now the fun really begins;
The Canucks were informed they had to pay $250,000 for Bure's rights to play for them.  They paid $200,000 and told Bure that he had to pay the other $50,000.  So, already they are off to a great start with someone who was to become their most prolific goal scorer in history.  He also asked to where number 96 to commeroate his arrival on Sept 6 to North America but apparently Pat 'Old School' Quinn had a problem with high jersey numbers (we will talk about Wayne Gretzky later).



i wonder how this ends up...

I have utmost respect for Pavel Bure, as does Shane Churla (now).  When talk of Bure wanting a trade began to hit the Vancouver papers, he was painted as being selfish and immature.  The Canucks failed to reward him for being the Calder Trophy winner (despite missing 17 games) by saying they would renegotiate his contract after the next season (which he went on to score 60 goals).  They basically told him that they were going to wait to see if that wasn't a 'fluke' season and postponed signing him because they weren't sure he was worth the money. Weren't sure he was worth the money...

Now anyone who can see the humor in that last sentence is more qualified to run the Canucks pocket books than the team managers at the time who were...let's see...Pat Quinn and Brian Burke. 

Wow. Small world.

So, he was finally able to leave the clutches of the Vancouver system to the sunnier confines of Florida and then New York where he retired, years too early from a multitude of knee operations that started from returning too soon from his first knee operation in Vancouver.  He is now a top official in the Russian Hockey League, a member of the Hockey Hall of Fame and one of the reasons why Vancouver is jinxed.

A Vancouver and Columbus win-win situation?

In hindsight, the PA announcer shouldn't have
 started playing "Riot" by Three Days Grace.

First off, on behalf of all of the province of Vancouver I apologize for the lackluster effort put forth by the Canucks in refusing to win 16 straight games to win their first Stanley Cup for the third time.  We can only blame Roberto Luongo for so long  for failing to win the cup in 012, 94, or 82 where i heard he actually didn't even watch one game of the FINALS because he was busy playing with his GI Joe action figures. 

Not saying that Canuck fans are still feeling burned by last year's debacle, but I'd go so far as to suggest that as you read this, someone is working on building a time machine to go back to 1978 and shout 'Luongo sucks' at his parents as they were copulating so that he would never grow up to become a professional goaltender, thereby not disappointing the entire Canuck nation by not stopping each and every goddamn puck that was sent his way by someone in a Boston Bruin sweater.

In all reality i would have nothing against Luongo if he played on any team but the Canucks however let's face it, Vancouver is like the Toronto Maple Leafs of goaltending.  It's where good goaltenders go get verbally assaulted by scrawny or overweight sports reporters that are breathing heavily just holding their microphones up. Vancouver is a black hole that sucks up talent and morale and leaves an empty husk of a man; it is the Jennifer Lopez of NHL cities.

But it's summer and the only hockey news right now is when and where is Luongo going to take the remaining decade of his luuuu-crative contract.  Some dreamers (read Torontonians) want him to don the blue and white so that they could find out if it's theoretically possible for someone to have two assholes torn into them by their rabid fans. I have on good authority that Luongo is hoping to be moved somewhere where he's not expected to have a .990 save percentage, cure leprosy and personally escort every fan to their seat before the game so hello...    

Florida. Considered a favourite for no other reason than that's where his wife is from and nobody will know him. Toronto is considered a favourite because that's where Brian Burke is and Vancouver desperately wants to pay them back for that whole Mats Sundin thing. Plus, Toronto fans mistakenly believe everybody wants to play for them despite the one glaring fact they then would be playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs.  

So while Cory Schneider gleefully wrings his hands at being given the opportunity to crack under pressure once Luongo leaves, all i can say is that i don't blame the guy. I mean after all, he won 75% of his games last year against sub .500 teams. And he very nearly won 2 whole games against the eventual Stanley Cup winning LA Kings. Plus this year he will find out who the hell this Jason Garrison guy is that everyone is talking about. 

We all know goals wins games so in a perfect and sane hockey world (usually only found in my hockey pool), Roberto Luongo goes to Columbus for Rick Nash. Columbus gets a decent goalie that most of Ohio will have no expectations of and Nash gets to play for a team that already has at least 6 other scapegoats to blame when they don't win the cup again next year. It's a win-win.

In unrelated news, Canada's social health care system breathed a sigh of relief in hearing that Sami Salo has decided to head to Tampa Bay to join their IR list.