An Oldie but a Goodie

Why Morgan Freeman and his CV deserve your respect

There is a bit of a controversy going on in America (where else?) that besides the Obamacare controversy, Obama gun control controversy, Obama is black controversy, North Korea controversy, the Iraq invasion controversy, Lincoln didn’t win the Oscar controversy, music/video pirating controversy, the immigrant controversy, bank bail out controversy, drone controversy, oil pipeline controversy, Ray-J controversy, baseball doping controversy, legalized marijuana controversy and FBI spying on the internet controversy some people still have the energy to be indignant at Morgan Freeman’s AMA (Ask Me Anything) interview on Reddit recently, claiming that it seems the interview itself was a hoax and that was not the 70 year old award-winning actor but some PR shill pretending to be Morgan Freeman.

2013 6 NHL playoff rivalries and chances if we will see them again

THE RETRO-FILES: Golden Oldies 2013
or Better save this for posterity before the original website goes belly up and deletes all my contributions. 

The NHL playoffs start on April 30th. Here is a quick primer for your hockey sports fans on playoff series to watch, why, and chances of it happening.

The NHL is about to begin its 95th Stanley Cup campaign. It’s 2.5 months of heightened intensity and do-or-die attitudes and for many men it will be their only chance to have their name etched forever on hockey’s holy grail. It’s a dream many have had since they first laced up a pair of skates and have worked on all their lives. It takes 16 games to win the Stanley Cup but only 4 games lost to have that dream crushed. As with all great sporting leagues, there are a few rivalries that all marketing men and homer fans hope for as teams with a history of going head to head in the playoffs bring some of the most exciting hockey that will be witnessed this lock-out shortened year.

Thanks to the internet and proliferation of free televised sporting events sites, new and old fans from overseas have more opportunity than ever before to watch some of the greatest, high-intensity hockey you will see this year in an ever-evolving game for better or worse.

Here are 6 of the biggest rivalries in the NHL and the chances of us seeing them on the ice this year…

6. Pittsburgh Penguins Vs Philadelphia Flyers AKA The Battle of Penn State.

Philly has some of the most vocal, passionate fans in the league, Pittsburgh is one of the most talented. There are a number of current and future hall-of-famers on this year’s Penguins while the best one can say is that this year’s Philly team has a number of future ex-NHL’rs on theirs.

Yet, when the two teams meet up it makes for some of the most passionate and exciting hockey in the league. They have met 6 times in the playoffs, playing 35 games with the Flyers having the edge 19-16 in wins.

Last year, the teams combined for 45 goals and 309 penalty minutes in a spirited 6 game series; that’s an average of just over 7 goals and 50 penalty minutes a game which is 1980′s numbers. Last year, the underdog Flyers surprised the league’s best team 4 games to 2 in the first round of the playoffs. If you want goals, hits, controversy and fans being spit on, Pittsburgh and Philly are an Eastern Conference dream match-up that will be hard to beat.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 – 5%

Pittsburgh is pretty much guaranteed 1st in the East, with 10 games left. Philadelphia has to somehow gain 6 points on 3 teams to get the final playoff position. With less than 10 games remaining and having to rely on at least two of the other teams involved choking, sadly the possibility is pretty unlikely this year.

Read more at http://whatculture.com/sport/nhl-2013-6-biggest-playoff-rivalries-and-if-theyll-happen-again.php#PqlfO7krwOhKCe0Z.99

5. Montreal Canadiens Vs Boston Bruins

These teams have met a record total of 170 times in the post season, with Montreal having the huge edge in games won, 102-68 and series wins 24-9. Their first match up was in 1929, the last one in 2011. There was a period of 18 straight times the Canadiens beat the Bruins in the playoffs, a total spanning 45 years which was finally broken in 1988. Since then the teams have been on much more equal footing play-wise but Boston is considered the more dominant
physical team while Montreal the much more hospitalized team.

For example, to keep things interesting for the doctors, there was this famous donnybrook, then this straight-to-the-hospital hit by the world’s tallest player, Zdeno Chara, and then this incident last year.

And in a classic “I’m screwing your ex-girlfriend’ move, in 2012 the Boston Bruins drafted the younger brother of Montreal Canadiens star defencemen P.K. Subban in the NHL entry league draft, making for future family gatherings at the Subban household somewhat uncomfortable I am sure.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013- 60%

With Montreal and Boston both in the upper half of the current standings, a renewal of the league’s longest rivalry is within possibility. Both teams would have to beat their first round opponents and survive the inevitable Montreal riots that will follow each series victory. Boston, having won the Cup 2 years ago and standing behind the giant Zdeno Chara would be a ‘tall’ test for Montreal but all bets are off when it comes to the Canadiens and their storied history of beating the Bruins when it matters

4. Edmonton Oilers Vs Calgary Flames AKA The Battle of Alberta

During the later eighties, the victor of this series was all but guaranteed to go on and win the Stanley Cup, 7 times in 8 years. Geographically Edmonton and Calgary are a short (for Canada) 4 hour freeway ride from each other which made for plenty of beer-drinking fans making the trek either way to show their support. The Oilers, the undisputed (except by Calgary) team of the eighties were packed with hall of fame talent that were setting records at an amazing pace, the Flames were like the little brother tired of big brother getting all the attention. The Flames only managed to beat the Oilers once in the playoffs back in 1986, thanks to a fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on which team you were rooting for) bounce that thanks to the internet and Flames fans, will never be forgotten.

They met a total of 30 times, with the Oilers coming out on top 19 of those. They haven’t met each other in the playoffs since 1991, when the Oilers once again eliminated the Flames from Stanley Cup contention. The Flames finally returned to the Stanley Cup Finals in 2004 putting the city into such an uproar that their fans created the now legendary Red Mile, a zone of post-game partying of New Orleans Mardi-Gras proportions. They went on to lose to an upstart Southern US expansion team. The following year the Oilers were quick to repeat the same feat, losing to another Southern US expansion team but in the more important category, named their party zone the Blue Mile showing that even in letting down all of Canada, the two still love a good competition.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 0%

Unless there's a tragic double-booking at a golf course in Red Deer, situated as it is right between the two Titanic-esque franchises, the Titanic has a better chance of rising from the ocean floor filled with Water Zombies (has that genre been created yet?) than the league has of seeing these 2 compete, not just this year but in the foreseeable future. Edmonton has a host of young stars with the right chemistry and veteran leadership have a distant shot at the playoffs if not this year, then soon. Calgary has a new juice blender in their dressing room and has just said good-bye to their team’s all-time leading scorer. Unless 7 teams above them suddenly all disappear in a tragic Titanic Water Zombie invasion the Flames and Oilers can start polishing their golf clubs now.

3. New York Rangers Vs New York Islanders Vs New Jersey Devils AKA The Battle Of New York AKA The Hudson River Rivalry

In this strange hockey love triangle in the heart of the world’s biggest market, these three teams are literally spitting distance from each other yet due to the years of inept performance mostly on the Islanders part, they have never met the Devils in the playoffs. The Rangers have no problem stepping out on their long-time state rivals to make some sweet hockey love with cross-river rivals the New Jersey Devils when it comes time for the playoffs.

The Rangers and the Devils have renewed shenanigans 6 times in the playoffs, with the Rangers coming out on top 16 of the 34 times they have faced off against each other, winning 4 series out of six.

The most memorable moment came in 1994 when NY captain Mark Messier, with his team facing elimination, took time out from apparently dating Madonna to ‘guarantee a victory’ in the upcoming game, which usually means ‘guarantee a loss’. Messier scored all 3 goals that night to defeat the Devils 3-2 and guaranteed himself a place in New York sporting history along the lines of Babe Ruth’s calling-his-shot baseball legend. The Rangers went on to win the series and their first Stanley Cup in 44 years, defeating the Vancouver Canucks in one of the closest Stanley Cup series ever played in modern times, 4 games to 3.

While the last 20 years the focus has been on the much more likely Devils/Rangers match-up the possibility of an Islanders/Rangers playoff match would have NY hockey fans salivating and an ‘all bets are off’ mentality in backing a winner, due to the bragging rights that come with each cross-town victory. Back in the day when the Islanders were considered a powerhouse team, the teams faced off in the playoffs 8 times with the Islanders having a slight edge in wins 20-19.

Another great byproduct of this series would be the re-introduction of some of the most spirited crowd taunts in league history; Ranger fans have their favourite; “Potvin sucks“, a reference to the all-star Islander defenceman Denis Potvin who retired decades ago yet apparently is still popular while Islanders fan have adopted a rendition of ‘The Rangers suck’ to accompany the Chicken Dance Polka. Yes, it sounds lame but one has to admit is pretty funny when you hear it.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 10%

All 3 of these teams still have a viable chance to make the playoffs, it will be an uphill battle much like Toronto and Ottawa. All will have to defeat far superior opponents (and/or Ottawa) to get the chance to be able to ride the bus to their next away game and be back before bedtime. The Devils do have the greatest goalie in the game in net and the Rangers have the handsomest one. The shock of having to consider that the Islanders might beat one of them out of a playoff spot will be pretty awkward on the final day of the regular season. 

2. Toronto Maple Leafs Vs Ottawa Senators AKA The Battle of Ontario 

Another all Canadian match-up, these two teams have met 24 times in the playoffs since the year 2000 when they faced off 4 of 5 years, with Toronto coming out on top in 16 of those games, eliminating the Ottawa Senators in every series they met.

The bitterness between the two teams has had some great moments, with Ottawa captain Daniel Alfredson going all Mark Messier and guaranteeing a win in a do-or-die game back in 2004. The Senators won the game but forgot that they still needed to win one more, bowing out in an anticlimatic 4-1 loss in game 7.

Toronto has long been considered the center of the hockey universe by Torontonians but the pecularity of the team having to play in the post-season, something that hasn’t been done in nearly a decade may be too much for their collective head to fathom as they usually reserve the Spring for watching baseball’s Toronto Blue Jays start their yearly fall from playoff contention.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 20%

While it is likely both these teams might make the playoffs, they will both first have to beat far superior opponents (Pittsburgh/Montreal/Boston) in the first round. For both teams to pull off major upsets will be a great surprise, but stranger things have happened. Toronto will have to shrug off the celebration of just finally making the playoffs having been in the longest playoff drought in the league and their storied history. Most of Ottawa is still not aware their team is in the playoffs yet and will wonder why it’s so hard to find parking around the hockey arena.

1. Vancouver Canucks Vs Chicago Blackhawks AKA TBA

Although these teams have met relatively few times in their history it has really gathered steam in the last few seasons as most other playoff series in the Western Conference are only a prelude to this match up, much like the Battle of Alberta in the 80′s.

Ironically, Vancouver owes Chicago for it’s wildly popular ’Towel Power’ playoff theme from their first playoff series back in 1982. The scene of Head Coach Roger Nielson holding up a white towel in surrender to the game’s officials has become iconic in NHL playoff lore and Vancouver has been waving that flag ever since, without really understanding the irony. I guess because it’s Vancouver.

Chicago won hard-fought and hair-pulling (literally) series in 2009 and 2010 in 6 games. Vancouver finally beat Chicago in 2011, surviving blowing a 3 game lead to win on an overtime winner in game 7, 4 games to 3.

Adding fuel to this rivalry were some comments made by Chicago’s Dave Bolland on a local radio station a couple years ago regarding the Canucks star twin forwards, Daniel and Henrik Sedin and the city of Vancouver itself;

“[The Sedin twins will] never become ‘Hawks,” Bolland said. “I don’t think we’d let them on our team. That’d probably be one thing. We’d be sure not to let them on our team. And, yeah, they probably still would be sisters. I think they might sleep in, like, bunk beds. The older one has the bottom one, the younger one’s got the top.

“There’s a lot of weirdos [in Vancouver]. You don’t want to be out there too long.”

To be fair, Vancouver does have a lot of weirdos, having lived there myself for five years. With both teams consistently in the top 5 of league standings over the last half-decade, the passion and hatred that fuels this rivalry make it hard to beat.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 90%

Both these teams are tops in their conference and are considered Cup favourites again. An anomaly last year led to both teams being defeated by far weaker (on paper) opponents, denying hard-core fans a 4th straight year of amazing intense hockey. I don’t see that happening again. Chicago has been amazing this year, going the first half undefeated over 24 games. Vancouver has 2 arguably all-star goalies on their roster to lean on if either one goes south. However, so does Chicago.

If you only pick one series to watch, this is it. If either team is able to get out of this series with relatively few injuries, look for the eventual Stanley Cup winner

10 Radio-Friendly Songs About Murdering Someone

To celebrate passing 30,000 views with little to no idea of how to do social marketing of this blog, here's one of my favourites. I believe it was the third thing I ever had web-published, the first one I pitched to a faceless Internet website editor. The first two were an essay on Arrested Development and Actors in Need of a Kick Start, respectively. But this one was the first accepted pitch and I think is indicative of my writing; serious subject matter with an absurd twist. Enjoy and thanks! 

9 10 Radio-Friendly Songs About Murder

To be clear, this article does not condone murder. Using the word ‘murder’ in any state, be it past, present, or future tense on your Facebook status will create no amount of issues somewhere down the line so it’s best to never use it. Ever. Or do it, double ever. There is a little-used caveat for artists because they can pretend to do it consequence-free as poetic license. It’s in the Artist’s Charter (near the back).

7 More Not Real Famous Bands

7 More Not Real but kind of Famous bands...

I once wrote an article about some very famous bands that became very famous under false pretenses. The reaction was mostly positive and it became my most viewed piece on that website. A few readers left some comments on other famous bands/musicians that I missed in my original list.

So, with the minimal amount of research that kept me interested enough to avoid other responsibilities, I decided to go back and do this 2nd row group of famous non-bands. While there have been a lot of ‘fake’ bands created in the interest of selling records, promoting movies and tv shows (there ain’t no party like an S Club party), I decided only to focus on bands that well, honestly, are ones that had some success in selling records and most importantly were sold to it’s audiences under false pretenses, unlike something like S Club 7, which sadly was what it was.

That said, in my original list, I excluded some ‘copy-cat’ groups for not being ‘famous enough’. Josie and the Pussycats were a direct result of the success of the Archies and the attempt at reviving them in the 2001 movie may have been the pinnacle of Tara Reid’s career (until Sharknado) but I don’t feel it hit the acclaim needed to be considered ‘famous’.

I also excluded some fictional groups that I didn't feel crossed over into the famous enough category to be able to actually perform in public or had no success to speak of in album sales, like the Oneders from ‘That Thing You Do’ or Stillwater from ‘Almost Famous’. And although Wyld Stallyns is the greatest band to ever exist (in the future), they have yet to release that album that will change the world.

So without further adieu, here is part deux;

draft 10 popculture awesome gifts for Dad (or me)

10 Practical and Inspired Gifts for Me

You say it’s your birthday or even better, Christmas.

Let’s face the selfish facts. Only you know what you truly want. Perhaps you are tired of getting another new ‘collectable action figure’ from a series you never cared for but someone thought you did because they guessed you were into The Avengers, because everyone else in the world is and they just went to the mall and found the most popular item on display and figured that was made for you.

But all you really want is something that rings of your unique personality, maybe something more than just a six pack of generic beer from your flatmates. And that special football jersey you got last year? The one of that team that you don’t care that much about? The one with the name of that player that now plays somewhere else? Let’s not talk about that.

Instead, why not just give them this list of some awesome gifts inspired by pop culture which are not actually useless? I’m not talking about all the cheap toys made in China, labelled ‘collector’s item’ and then marked up 1000%. I’m writing about those products that have broken the fifth wall of realism, props that were made real in a fictional universe then thanks to a ripple in space-time, became meta in this universe. Products that could be used in everyday life that non-fans might not glance twice at but those in the know will bow at your presence when you appear sporting one of these fine bits of retro pop culture history.

TL;DR; The Ultimate Guy Birthday or Christmas Wish List for gifts that are practical, somewhat subtle and unique. Nothing made of plastic or wasn't originally at first a prop on a movie/TV show before it was moved into mass productions because someone found out someone like you would buy it.

9 iconic movie masks

Masks. Who doesn't love them? Besides the cops, I mean. And bank tellers. And security cameras. Ok, well basically, anybody involved in law enforcement or against the redistribution of wealth. But without masks, who are we? Just a bunch of drunken college and university students out for a good time and in need of some cool refreshments via water cannons or machete-wielding harbingers of doom that will tear out your liver in an attempt to quell an insatiable blood-lust?

Masks are iconic symbols of a world that demands accountability. They provide a sense of security and shelter for those that feel their needs might just be greater than the needs of the common good, despite what the common good believe. Plus, if you are seriously grotesque it gives people something to remember you by. Would you rather be remembered as ‘that guy with no face’ or ‘that guy with the mask’?  No question about it. Masks are cool, they define who we are or who we want to be and people can make a killing (literally and figuratively) wearing or selling them.

Here are 9 masks made famous through cinema.

Note: This list does not take into account the actual movie Mask, which was about a disfigured boy who had Cher as a mother, nor is it contain iconic super hero masks such as Batman’s and Spider-Man’s, due to their original popularity coming through comics and children playing dress-up.

From the History Files - The 2013 NHL intro for Brits

(ok, back in the day, being 2012-13 season, I wrote this and got it published somewhere online. I'm busy with the Nanowrimo thinger going on but in the meantime, enjoy this piece of history)

Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.

Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.

In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey's greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to...

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;

All you need to know is this; The NHL is crazy. There is nothing rational about it, either on the ice or off. It was the subject of the greatest sports movie ever made, and has some of the best haircuts ever. It once had two players that dominated the sport like no other athlete has ever dominated a sport yet they played at the same time. Imagine Maradona and Pele playing at the same time, and on occasion even on the same team to defeat the world's worst superpower and #2 hockey nation (no, not America, the other one).

This moment knocked the 1972 Summit Series off the #1 hockey moment
of all time - yes, it is of someone crying. 

THE EASY STUFF;

The regular season starts in October, is 82 games long, and lasts for about six months.
Playoffs start in April and go for about three months. There is no 'one game take all' playoffs; this is all about maximizing owner revenue so the teams are forced to play four rounds of best-of-seven's, which in reality is quite brilliant. The first team to win four games over their opponent moves on to the next round and possibly gets a break while waiting for their opponents to inflict maximum pain on each other.

They play for a large trophy called the Stanley Cup, named after Lord Stanley. It is so rare, there are only 3 replicas of it in existence (the presentation one, the touring one, and the one at the Hockey Hall of Fame. The original is kept in a safe at the Hall of Fame as well and is no bigger than a large salad bowl, which was probably it's original intention).

Canadians start talking about hockey about 2 months before the regular season starts. This is called the 'pre-season' and in reality mean nothing unless you are a Toronto fan, then it defines the rest of your season, saving you all sorts of heartbreak later on.

This photo deserves to be a bit more viral.

12 Ways The Dark Knight Rises and the 2012 Canucks playoffs were eerily the same.

[republished due to its original immense popularity, Chris Nolan's Interstellar release and I find it really funny] 

12 Ways The Dark Knight Rises and the 2012 Canucks playoffs were eerily the same. 

I want the Batman!

For some, the summer of 2012 was to be the cause of great rejoice; The Dark Knight Rises was to cap the end of the amazing Batman trilogy, the Vancouver Canucks were going to win the Stanley Cup after losing in Game 7 to the Boston Bruins a year earlier. That experience would be enough to give them the drive to Win It All (spoiler alert; it didn't). Canucks fans also wanted Zdeno Chara to climb back up his beanstalk and leave all the other hockey players alone. None of that happened, leaving Canucks (and Boston) fans and hockey analysts alone to contemplate the pleasures in the smaller things in life, like drool and soft helmets.

(BIGGER SPOILER ALERT: The Canucks lost to the eventual Stanley Cup Champion LA Kings in the 1st round of the 2012 playoffs)

12 Similarities between The Dark Knight Rises and The 2012 Vancouver Canucks: 

1-For fans of both franchises, there were exceedingly high expectations going in from previous showings.

2-Ryan Kesler appeared in neither.

3-Batman took eight years off before returning for TDKR and the ending was left open for another possible return years from now. Vancouver decided to also take some years off and is preparing for their next Cup push sometime around the year 2020.

4-Both Batman and Mason Raymond took 5 months to recover from a broken back to limited effect.

hmmm... can you take off the bat and add the number 16?

5-Neither Batman or the Canucks showed any ability to dish out a hit.

6- Apparently both Gotham and Vancouver have professional football teams that nobody cares about.

7-Anne Hathaway’s eyebrows scored just as many points with film critics in Los Angeles as the Sedin twins.

8-Batman had a few thousand cops that did nothing to help the situation, the Canucks had these guys; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBQ1rmIbTjw

9-Once Batman and the Canucks left the city, life went on and it was like nothing had ever happened.

10-If Darryl Sutter’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Bane. If Alain Vigneault’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Michael Caine’s quivering lips.

11-TDKR had a lot of supporting characters from previous movies that proved to have no discernible purpose for being there; the Canucks had Jim Hughson, Nick Kypreos and Gary Valk.

Uh, hello?

12-Bruce Wayne came out of self-imposed hiding to find his overall value had plummeted to barely being able to provide for himself, Vancouver had Roberto Luongo.

From the Nostalgic Files - And then there were 2... The 2013 Stanley Cup

Once, a long, long time ago, I wrote a thing or two about hockey. Now there is no hockey. I need my hockey fix. It's the dead time when nothing of importance is going on - but i do think i saw a vaguely familiar NHL player walking downtown yesterday. Why do I think that? He was young, well-built, facial hair (stating 'hey, i've been on vacation for awhile) and had poor fashion sense (so probably rich). I try to keep interested in NHL news but I can't get excited about who won what in arbitration or which player recently signed a minor league contract for X team. 

So, I'm going to post this - an retro article back in the day when life was good and the Hawks had yet to win their second Cup in three years. 

We all know how this ended. The biggest winner by far was 3rd string lunch bucket man Dave Bolland managing to take advantage of scoring the Cup-winning goal into a 5 yr/$27.5 million contract with Florida despite only playing in 58 games the last two years. 

If he continues to take his 2 year yearly average of 29 games played per year to the Panthers, that guy is ringing in approximately $190,000 per game. 

And all because of an incredible let down by the Bruins in Game Six. On behalf of the Chicago fan base and especially Dave Bolland - thank you.

a rare picture of Bolland actually on the ice in Toronto.

10 Once Great Actors

Firstly, a disclaimer: there are great movies and there are great actors. Yet no matter how great an actor is, there will be the occasional floating log of film turd that will be skipped over on their resume if they are lucky enough. Bruce Willis had his Hudson Hawk, Tom Hanks plopped one out in The Ladykillers, but, hey, they still command our respect. Hell, even Al Pacino showed up in the giant Adam Sandler turd Jack and Jill, which scored extremely well with people of low intellect and Republican teenagers.

Once upon a time, these 10 actors could only poop box-office gold, but something happened. One turd beget another and another and another. Now these former greats simply are shallow imitations of their past glories, struggling to find that right script that’ll put them back on top, a 'John Travolta' if you will. But let's be clear, none of these have signed on to be a talking baby. There's still hope. Saying that, here’s is a list of 10 still actors that we once idolized who have fallen from grace.

David Lynch Called... I didn't answer cuz he's pretty weird.

Movies that make you go WTF are special indeed. Just ask (or read) this Whatculture contributor who’s viewing habits make Hollywood focus groups cringe in fear that she has such influence on main stream culture. While we all bitch about the current state of cinema with its popcorn predictability, dumbed down mass releases and beating on the usual dead horses, let’s instead take a look at a visionary director that has such influence on cinema that his contribution cannot be overlooked at a time when our attention span is so short that we want to just jump into the main part of this article, so much so that it’s difficult to follow to the end of this sent

David Lynch is an oddity within himself. A non-mainstream visionary who hit the mainstream right in its American nutsack.  His film genre CV reads like a student itinerary with ‘Undeclared’ written all over his class choices. Nothing wrong with that. Yet at a time when ‘family connections’  play such a large part in Hollywood’s next generation of film-makers, Lynch is the strange uncle at the family Christmas Party that nobody ever talks about yet you found he was the most amazing person in your family.

Here’s a personal ranking of David Lynch films, in order of bizarre surrealism, story-telling and cinematic vision.

11. The Straight Story (1999)

This is the easiest of the bunch when ranking WTF, although it bears special merit as straying far outside the norm, like Snoop Dogg doing a song with Miley Cyrus. The Straight Story is what it proclaims to be: a rather straight up bland Americana drama (for David Lynch) based on the true story of a man who drives his lawn mower 300 miles across America to make amends with his ill brother.

No dancing midgets, no moody soundtrack or supernatural splits of reality, it starred Hollywood legends Richard Farnsworth and Sissy Spacek and for a brief moment in time, Lynch’s confusing career trajectory looked like it was heading for ‘After School Special’ territory. It was the only Lynch movie ever to be rated ‘G’ to the viewing audience. WTF?

Sam Raimi's Movies of Preference

Hi, Ogie and friends.

A great director can be defined by at least three main criteria; they have complete understanding of the film technology available, they are able to translate the script visually on film, and they know how to work with actors to make them avoid becoming caricatures of themselves.

Say hello to Sam Raimi.

Sam Raimi is the epitome of the Hollywood filmmaker’s dream. He started making films with his BFFs Bruce Campbell and Rob Tappert and brothers Ted and Ivan back in high school in the backwoods of Michigan. After high school they begged, borrowed, and stole to make a little horror movie called Evil Dead and eventually sold it, where it is now heralded as one of the best cinema horrors ever.

They went to Hollywood, where Raimi made a bunch more movies with ever increasing budgets, reaching A-list ranking by taking the helm of the very profitable original Spider-Man trilogy. His lateste work, Oz: The Great and Powerful isn't included in this list as... well, I pretty much already wrote the thing before seeing it and I didn't feel like picking a spot (somewhere between 7-10).

Raimi managed to avoid the burn-out phase which generally occurs happens upon hitting the high of Hollywood. He has maintained his loyalties to those that have helped him pursue his dreams and maintained working relationships with those that shared in making Evil Dead and he has never forgotten where he came from.

Raimi’s signature trademark is the ’73 Oldsmobile Delta 88 that he casts in near every movie and has become the fun of a neat drinking game on the side. And most of the time, despite studio executives protests, he always tries to find a role for brother Ted or self-admitted B-movie star Bruce Campbell. That’s true loyalty right there. Oh yeah, he was also a driving force behind TV’s Xena, Princess Warrior and Hercules as a side project when he wasn't making films back in the 90's, giving the world an updated kick-ass version of Wonder Woman.

Being an admitted fan of Raimi’s, here are Raimi’s films ranked from worst to best - minus Oz. 

13 Canadian Cult Films

Here there be Spoilers....

Canada. The poor b*stard stuck between America’s arrogance and British self-righteousness. Like an over-compensating eldest child, it also strives to keep the peace with its First Nations population and their French step-sibling of a province, Quebec. We are internationally known as the nation who say sorry when you step on our toes, unless you are on a hockey rink – then it’s every nation’s ankles for itself. We strive to be culturally diverse, yet try to have a culture of our own (which is pretty much impossible when your closest competitor is the United States).

In an effort to maintain or create a cultural heritage of our own, Canadian filmmakers usually turn to the Canadian government for film financing. Telefilm Canada is much like what BBC Films is to British filmmakers. Canadians fund Telefilm through taxes, so it goes to say that it’s pretty difficult for the general public to justify allocating money to Telefilm when its films are generally regulated to the art-house circuit (which most of the public presumably thinks is an actual art house, where one buys art and good quality posters).

With a mandate to fund only films that uniquely (and often vaguely) express the Canadian identity, it is a source many beginning producers often try to tap into, usually with limited results. Of course, it helps if you have already distributed a film to positive reviews and sales, but for beginning filmmakers, odds are you will have just as good a chance as receiving financing from a community bake sale than from the cost-conscious Canadian government. When government cut backs are announced, Telefilm (and Canadian filmmakers) tend to feel the pinch more than most.

Yet, despite the dryness of recent Canadian films, here are 13 of the Canadian government’s most embarrassing – if not successful – films, all of which became legends in their own right…

5 Not Famous First films by Famous Directors

So you’ve read a few film books, watched a LOT of movies, maybe even cut together a couple cute videos of cats and posted them on Youtube. Your ultimate goal is to remake Con-Air or perhaps to create a superhero movie based on your best friend’s underground comic book. When people hear you say you want to be in the movies, they think you want to an actor. But you know where the action’s at; you want to be in charge of it all, you want to DIRECT.

Yet, like everything else, directing requires a multitude of skills much like every other job; do you get along with people? Are you a leader? Are you organized? Can you visually tell a story that is entertaining and noteworthy? Do you know what a green screen does and where you can get one for cheap?

Directing fame can come one of two ways; you can go the long, slow easy route; attend film school, maybe start working at an ad agency, create a demo reel, shop it around the film industry, find work directing second unit stuff, avoid porn and cocaine, gradually gain a reputation of steady and dependable craftmanship which will one day get you considered to helm a Zooey DeJulia Roberts rom-com script that is so safe that terrorists rent it to waylay suspicion.

Or, you can go big and go hard; find people of like mind willing to work long hours for nothing. Beg, borrow and steal the money needed to shoot your film with decent cinematography and actors. Believe in yourself and your movie, shoot and edit it by yourself while eating crackers and cream cheese then find a distribution deal. Repeat the process until you are awarded the recognition, star power and director’s cut privileges you so richly deserve.

Here are 5 directors that went Balls In, taking risky subject matter and convincing other people to give them money so that they could live their dream. The got investors to believe that once they had enough money to shoot their amazing script, it would be so good they would make their money back plus more upon the massive distribution deal.

These 5 have been selected due to their somewhat humble non-Hollywood beginnings, their inane first projects and their continuing upward career trajectory due in some part to their ability to continually challenge themselves and their skill set by creating innovative and interesting films that move the industry forward.

6 Famous Bands that were fake

- another repost from the files of Whatculture.  To keep it from fading into obscurity into their backlog of list-based posts or just disappearing if the site closes down (like what happened w/ some of my articles on spooftimes) I've copied my contributions and will release them sporadically while we wait for either the 2nd round of the Stanley Cup playoffs or someone says 'why haven't you published anything on your blog lately?'.

There is something to be said for anonymity. It provides a sense of safety for those that perhaps feel a bit too thin-skinned to take on the responsibility of being more well-known than what they are famous for. In music, a band’s name help create a feeling of teamwork and that everybody is relevant to the whole and helps to keep the lead singer’s egos in check.  For instance, Mick Jagger at one time tried to rebrand the Rolling Stones as “Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones” well after their rise to fame which nearly ended the band for good in the eighties.

The market for new celebrity meat is quick and ever-changing. Last year’s Justin Bieber is this year’s Eminem. Bubble gum bands long ago conquered the true spirit of large radio stations to such a degree that although I have heard of One Direction, I have no idea of any songs that they sing. Plus, I have to acknowledge that for some reason a music director who at one time probably had great taste in music being played over a campus radio frequency has now joined the conspiracy to poop out bubble gum pop crap. I won’t pretend I understand why One Direction has already sold more records than a hundred bands better than them like Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, a musically gifted bunch of guys that has been around for decades and sold very little records. But back to my main topic around fictional bands…

Top 20 Simpsons Musical Guest Stars

From the files of 'Wow-some sites accept anything', i got this idea after finding out Simpsons were still on the air after something hit my internet radar about Katy Perry doing a Puppet-oriented version of the Simpsons or something. I wasn't really paying that much attention to it, but it did get me wondering how many other musical guests have lined up to be immortalized on the Simpsons...so this was my top 20. 

It may surprise you to know that as of this writing, The Simpsons are still on the air. It has been on the air longer than most of the internet has been alive. To give you an idea of how long the Simpsons has been around, I’ll state some facts. It has lasted through seven Batman movies, two Persian Gulf Wars, four American Presidents, Monica Lewinsky, and the internet dot-com boom. It was around before cell phones, high speed internet, and Miley Cyrus was even considered as having an option to exist. It outlasted grunge, Robbie Robertson, CSI and the Spice Girls’ ‘Girl Power’ relevance. It made Conan O'Brian. That's how powerful it was.

The Simpsons, primarily due to it’s longevity, has become a cultural historical artifact of sorts, with shows related to current talking points of years past. Most of their current audience base will just as likely never heard of a guest star as have heard of them; that’s how old it’s become. It's like Saturday Night Live, only in cartoon form. It will never be as good as it once was says the previous generation.

Yet The Simpsons continues to comment on the changing social aspects in today’s world with it’s skewered adult-oriented humor through an assortment of great and talented writers that have had to work within the confines of the city of Springfield and it’s inhabitants and never-changing ages. South Park immortalized the influence The Simpsons have in adult-themed cartoons in an appropriately-titled show called ‘The Simpsons Already Did It’ in which a young, abused Butters aka Professor Chaos tries to wreck havoc on South Park through ideas that have already been on The Simpsons. His inability to do something the Simpsons haven’t results in him starting to see South Park as Springfield. It’s a surreal yet nice tribute to cartoondom’s most iconic show.

And to still be going at it for 24 years, you have to have a infinite amount of show ideas and early on Simpsons differentiated themselves by making no question that they were aiming for an adult audience. And how better to do that than to go after the biggest musical icons in the business and ask them to appear (as themselves) in cartoon form. From 50 Cent to Ringo Starr (both not on this list) it has grown as such that to be ‘Simpsonized’ is a bigger testament to your career than buying a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Here are my choices for the top 20 musical acts to achieve the distinction of having visited Springfield.

5 Things Not To Do On A Talk Show (12)

rehash from a previous article. Saved for posterity...

You finally made it to the big leagues for whatever culturally relevant thing you have wanted to bring to the masses, be it your movie, music, love of being nobody relevant; the TV wasteland awaits you. Your publicist has arranged a few choice outings to go and ‘get your name out there’ but did your publicist provide a guideline of what you can and cannot do in front of a television camera? Probably not. Or maybe they did. It depends if your publicist is your mom’s best friend or a professional mover and shaker.

If it’s the former, no worries. WhatCulture has you covered with these 5 basic rules that have been established through time immemorial (so about, 1976) in regards to how you should act when your persona is being beamed out through the cosmos through a magical process that has yet to be scientifically explained or proven but in which we take for granted happens. That is the magic of television; we really have no true idea what is going on, just what it shows us.

Lessons for when you become famous;

8 TV Shows that Should Have Quit While They Were Still Amazing.

Another retro-post placed in my blog for posterity. Ironically, WC has now started offering the equivalent of 70 cents for every 1000 views for new lists. If I only waited a year, this article could have netted me $22.45...however I would lost copyright on it and could never be allowed to publish on my own blog. So, i guess this is $22 well spent. Enjoy, comments always welcome.

WhatCulture has already talked about a few shows that have jumped the shark or should have quit while they were ahead here and here. So consider this an ongoing series of shows that aren’t necessarily shows that should have been cancelled but more shows that became victims of their own success or shortcomings.

The early seasons of these shows are what made them what they are today, which unfortunately is usually just a shallow imitation of their early years. Perhaps you could split these series up like Law & Order; one half is the set up for all that made these shows great, and the second half is the semi-lame reason why some people just consider these shows ‘okay’.

8. Californication

Must watch Seasons 1-4

Or just start watching from Season 5 and pretend you totally get it.

David Duchovny was absolutely born to play the role of Hank Moody, a New York literary libertarian turned Hollywood wannabe screenwriter. The first four seasons are a hilarious X-rated romp through the libido (and liver) of Hank who basically drinks constantly and screws every woman he meets in LA despite trying to win back the love of his soul-mate Karen and their daughter Becky.

The first four seasons of Californication follow a tremendous, well-detailed story arc that starts with Hank bedding the under-aged daughter of his ex-wife’s new fiance and with the threat of this underage rape hanging over his career manages to maintain your interest for four seasons. Helping matters is the intense sexual comedy that Californication provides. The tight cast of Hank, Karen and best friends the Runkels plus an amazing assortment of guest stars such as Callum Keith Rennie as a Phil Spector-like party animal/music producer, Katherine Turner as Runkel’s sexually harrassing boss, Rick Springfield as himself plus some of LA’s best breasts leads to some of the best adult-oriented comedy I’ve seen that doesn’t pander down to the audience’s intelligence. What other show has someone go down on a woman ‘by accident’ or show a threesome with someone (Hank) obviously not really in the moment, not that it matters.

At the end of season four, it ends perfectly; the story arc started in the first episode is finally resolved and all story arcs come to an end in a way befitting the entire series. In Season 4′s final shot  Hank is seen driving off in the sunset in true Hollywood fashion and there could be no better way to end the show.

BUT…

Sadly, most likely due to it’s immense success and the all-important ratings, Californication was brought back to a shadow of it’s previous self, despite having all the main characters again. Season 5 tried to start the series anew, scripting a 3 year absence from LA for Hank Moody who once again comes back and tries to reassert himself into Karen and Becky’s life.

It’s difficult to re-invest in a series that ended so perfectly after Season 4. It’s like your best friend has left you to pursue their life in the big city, leaving you sitting alone at the pub nursing a pint then to discover them 2 months later sitting once again on the barstool beside you. It’s that scene between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting where Ben finally tells Matt that he hopes one day he won’t be there to be picked up to go to his bad job. Hank Moody was/is your best friend who was never going to be the one to stick around and that was okay.