14 Subjectively Amazing Facts About... Marian Hossa

On a team that has it's fair share of marquee players, Marian Hossa is a bit of an oddity. Odd in that out of everyone on the Blackhawks, he has the most Stanley Cup experience. On a team overflowing in talent in pretty much every aspect of the game and on every line, Hossa has one amazing feat that goes relatively unnoticed; he has appeared in more Stanley Cup Finals in the last six years than anyone but Don Cherry and Ron MacLean.

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Sure, on a team that has perennial all-stars Jonathon Toews, Patrick Kane, Duncan Keith hogging most of the media attention it's easy to forget that Hossa kind of takes his place along players like Patrick Sharp, Brent Seabrook, Corey Crawford and Brian Bickell. But he's the ultimate 'been-there/done-that' player when it comes to the Stanley Cup, playing in more Finals Series than anyone since the days of the Oilers Dynasty, when most of that nucleus missed only two Finals in the decade, allowing the Flames and the Canadiens to take home the Glory. But none of them played on three different teams to get there. In fact, since Marian joined the NHL in 98-99 he has missed the post-season only twice in his career, both times with the Atlanta Thrashers.   Click below to find out some other interesting facts about Chicago's other star.

2014 Hockey Playoffs - The Year of Iggy

We get it, you're Canadian. You're bummed out because your name is Greg and the Montreal Canadians are the only Canadian team to make the playoffs and you know that you will have to suffer the pain of defeat eventually. You will have to maintain a sliver of hope that the Habs will overcome being the Habs but deep in your heart you know you are destined for heartbreak, as if you were no better than a Canuck fan.

To make matters worse, if the NHL had kept their same format as last year all the other Canadian teams still wouldn't have made the playoffs.

So to everyone besides Greg, let's just forget that we have any type of local geographic or childhood allegiance to our sports teams and let's pick another team to pin all your hopes and dreams on as you avoid all other issues in my life. So for that, let's pick the Boston Bruins, President's Cup winners, all-star and Theon Greyjoy look-a-like Tukka Rask in net and Alberta's other favourite son, Jarome Iginla, on a quest to cap off his career with the Stanley Cup.

One is Lilly Allen's brother, the other is
named Tuukka. 

   
Someone (@ionthesparrow12) has already done a lot of the grunt work for you by making this handy flowchart, making it easier to make that selection;

But Ogie is here to review our 1st round match-ups and boldly predict what everyone else already predicts...

What's a Deadline? the Metropolitan Division

Yes, it's nearly 15 games into the season and some sports shows/reporters/bloggers are starting to talk about the 'playoff picture' as if we were going to jump 4 months into the future and forget that ever since Bettman instituted that 1 point OTL rule (the Bettman rule) all games are pretty much meaningless in terms of a 'playoff picture' until after the all-star break. Recent past history has shown that by the time the All-Star break rolls around (this year postponed for the excessive elitist tournament of nothingness called the Olympics) there are only usually the Edmonton Oilers and perhaps two other teams that are already out of playoff contention.

So, to start talking playoff picture is ridiculous, especially since I haven't even blogged my season opening predictions of this new god-awful named Metropolitan Division which should eventually lose the 'politan' portion of that and be shortened to the 'New Metro' Division or more appropriately the 'non-travel' division, with most all teams being within a couple hours drive of each other.

But let's just get this over with so the season can officially start with Ogie's permission.

The Metro Division

So then I said, well there has to be a Metropolitan Division and they agreed!

 

New York Rangers - I know that the Rangers have surprised everyone by getting off to such a shitty start despite Alain Vigneault being behind the bench. The reason is simple. AV's a nice guy. Just think of the Rangers as that woman who finally got rid of that abusive, tough love asshole and are now dating that nice guy who everyone praises as being the perfect guy for her. She's used to the tough love and isn't used to this easy-going approach. She's still afraid that if she steps up into the neutral zone she's going to get verbally abused and therefore is still playing the game out of fear. Once she realizes that this AV guy is genuinely a nice guy and just wants her to go out and play the best hockey she can, that he's proud of her no matter what the score, the points and wins will pile up.  He just has to get Rick Nash to stop pouting in his room and come play. Then it's all going to be good in the Stinky Apple.

New Jersey Devils - the Devils surprised everyone by acknowledging that Martin Brodeur may one day retire and so went out and picked up the Canucks goalie of the present and Roberto Luongo nemesis Cory Schneider. Then they also surprised everyone again by announcing that Ilya Kovalchuk determined there was more to hockey than just money, which caused his agent's head to explode and mass panic among other agents as they rushed to remind their clients that it is all about the money.



 

Pittsburgh Penguins - the Penguins are just waiting for the Trade deadline so that they can once again destroy team chemistry and Stanley Cup hopes by looking for that Ray Bourque of deadline deals. After Iginla's botched stay, the pickings are getting slimmer on finding that career player who has never won the Cup and therefore should forgo his present team to come torpedo the Penguins. Joe Thornton, Daniel Alfreddson, and the always popular deadline day rental player Jaromir Jagr. Then again, the Penguins may have to suffer through Marc Andre Fleury's playoff meltdowns and the media analysis that will happen for the week before the first game of the playoffs as to why he's the Penguins weak link.

Philadelphia Flyers - the Flyers are an enigmatic team that are always good for a Stanley Cup appearance once every 5 or 6 years, unlike the Canucks. It is said their biggest problem is goaltending so they decided to commit years and millions on an ok Russian goalie only to drop him after a year of typical Flyer-like goaltending'. They then went picked up Steve Mason and Ray Emery leaving Brian Boucher once again on the corner of Heartbreak Lane and When the Fuck Will He Learn Street. Brian will back again in a few months as one or the other goes down to a chronic hip injury or in the case of Emery, being suspended for going mental.

New York Islanders - the Edmonton Oilers of the East Coast, look for them to occasionally pop up in the sports highlights, primarily when they are playing any of the top 10 teams that usually get the press coverage. Almost a carbon copy of the Oilers, the Islanders are a good young team on paper with a defense that would be hard to pick out at a Keg salad bar and a goalie that sounds familiar so that means he must have been good once, right?





Washington Capitals - Ovechkin is now under the tutelage of Adam Oates and much has been made of his amazing scoring since switching from left to right wing, or vice versa. Remember Mike Green? Neither does he. And Brandon Holtby surprised everyone by agreeing to be one of the goalies that will be cut for the Canadian Olympic team. Mikhail Grabvoski is a nice addition to the team and should complement Ovie nicely.

Carolina Hurricanes - Well, they have 2 Staal brothers on their team, which should cut down a bit on their parents' travel schedule. So they have that going for them.






Columbus Blue Jackets - Columbus is one of those teams on the cusp of being forgotten as continually vying with the Oilers for last place. The team seems to now win as many games as they lose since the departure of Rick Nash. so, I'm not saying Rick Nash was a problem in Columbus but Rick Nash might have been a problem in Columbus. One of these days I will have to try to find Columbus on a map but Google search keeps redirecting me to Quebec City.

Boston Bruins Vs The 2013 Stanley Cup Champions

And then there were 2...

Fuck me. Of all the teams that may make my Stanley Cup prediction fail, it would be the Boston Bruins. I never really considered them to make it this far at the start. No real reason, maybe just fell onto that Pittsburgh Penguin train of thought or didn't bother considering them because well...Blackhawks.

Toews didn't realize the taxi driver was a Bruins fan.

However, this could very well be one of the most even match-ups in recent history. Now some of you may disagree with me which is fine because I can't hear you.  But the Vancouver/Boston series was a contest between high-class and low-classs; of east coast and west coast, Starbucks vs Dunkin' Donuts, finger biting vs. face punching.
It was ironic that the most effective Canucks (in my opinion) were closest to the Bruins in mentality; Raffi Torres and Aaron Rome who's names are now both synonymous with 'instant concussion and suspension'.

I'm not saying it's coincidence (it's Mike Gillis) but neither of those two are playing for the Canucks anymore and the Canucks are fading fast from Stanley Cup contention. Gillis is saying that window is closing despite still having 2 starting goalies and their all-star Sedins. A Canuck fan only has to look at the Bruins, who have kept their roster pretty much intact and lost only their all-star goalie to start breaking out the Crying Towel and just sit back and prepare for the inevitable 'rebuilding' talk.

But that's for another day. Let's get to figuring out just how close this Stanley Cup will be. Here is Ogie's nuanced breakdown of the Chicago Blackhawks and Boston Bruins, two of the original six teams but I doubt that fact will be mentioned less than 50x leading up to the puck drop on Wednesday and 10x a game after that before commercial breaks.

Rehashing/Updating Playoff Reviews;

It's come down to this, the Final Four. Coincidentally, they are also the last 4 Stanley Cup champions so you know that most of these guys know what it takes to win the Cup. More importantly, that guy behind the bench with the continual axe over his head knows what it takes to win and they will do everything possible in the name of job security to keep their general managers and owners happy.

While it is often said talent wins championships, you only have to look at those players that have never won a Cup to know that is not true. It takes teamwork, talent and a hard-working coach that tries to maximize every little advantage in the name of winning (Alain Vigneault famously rarely had the Sedins take a face-off in the defensive zone). It is safe to say that if it weren't for the work of these four men and their assistants that we wouldn't be pretty psyched up for these two conference finals.


The Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Joel Quenneville. 

Jesus. This looks to be the face of a guy who is going off to kill babies or something during Roman times. This is also the face of a coach who's team got a point in 24 straight games to start the season so he's doing something right.

I wouldn't want to piss him off and i think that's probably the Hawks biggest fear and why they win.

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

#5 Los Angeles Kings

Analyzing The Team - Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels, but the LA Angels sounded too girly so they were named the much more masculine Kings. The Kings were one of the 'Next 6' teams that entered the league in the late 60's to great fan fare and decades of losing (see Vancouver Canucks early years). They have had many great moments in team history but nobody knows it because they barely crack the top 100 of things to do in LA, just above 'snort cocaine off Gary Busey's driveway'. Last year they apparently won the Stanley Cup, the first 8th seeded team to do so in North American sports, showing that really, final standing means nothing in the NHL, thanks to GARY BETTMAN.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Daryl Sutter

And here's his polar opposite. This guy looks to have the patience of a turtle (and yes, he kind of looks like one too). He's a guy that will patiently wait for the zamboni guy to scrape the ice away from zamboni doors before going on the rink. He's also a guy who has led a team of cast-offs to Stanley Cup glory, becoming the first team to beat the 1st and 2nd place teams to do that. 

I'd say his players win not because they fear him, but they just want him to be proud of them. 

Nobody really cared for the new guy, 'Mike Messier'.

Analyzing the Team Name - A King is 2nd only to God in terms of power rankings, although throughout history Popes have disputed this fact. LA is also habited by many queens, a couple of princes and Mathew Perry. King head coach Darryl Sutter was praised for his ability to spark a mediocre team to Stanley Cup glory and to raise sporadic power forward Dustin Penner from the dead and make him a 2 time Stanley Cup champion, which causes Hall of Famers Cam Neely, Jarome Iginla, Eric Lindros and Wendel Clark to weep silently into their pillows at night.

In terms of Anger Management Issues, Blackhawks take this series in 6 games.

The Eastern Conference

#4 Boston Bruins

Analyzing the team - Have an emotional end of the season, having to postpone 2 games to extenuating circumstances and Tim Thomas's facebook statuses.  They are run by the Dark Lord himself, Jeremy Jacobs who is rumored to deduct the cost of a puck going out of play off of the offending player's salary.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Claude Julien

Although he looks a bit mad here, he also looks as if he could easily be your drunken Uncle Burt at the latest family gathering or at the very least, the overly passionate fan beside you at a football game. You feel that his game plan consists of simple speeches like 'Go get'm!'.

His players win because he's the type of coach that proves to be hilarious once he's drunk.

To be fair, that is a duck he's beating on

Analyzing the team name - Bruins are a Eurasian name for a species of bear, which was once plentiful in Europe but have been all but made extinct by the voracious appetite of giant Zdeno Chara who insists on eating one every morning on game day. Still, a bruin would be considered a formidable opponent, even if Chara hadn't already eaten it.

More FOOODDD

vs

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Dan Blysma

First, this is the most unflattering picture i could find of Dan. He's just a super photogenic dude who i like to imagine that I was supposed to turn out like once i hit my fort-thirties. He looks more like your more successful older brother and the reason why his team wins is because they just want to impress him so he will buy them booze.
And oh yeah, he has a guy named Sidney Crosby on his team which helps immensely (see Glen Sather coaching record before and after Gretzky).

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

In the wild, when a Bruin meets a Penquin, carnage ensues. Same here. Bruins in 5.

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Final Eight

Western Conference First Round Recap

Biggest Surprise; The Chicago Blackhawks allowed the Minnesota Wild to actually beat them once on the way to their 5 game victory. Showing what $200 million in off-season acquisitions can get you, besides a league-wide lockout, the Wild put on a daring display of ferocity and puck-moving while in practice scrimmages but were unable to translate that at game time, which to be fair at times would be best to visualize as flock of starlings going up against an Apache helicopter.

Biggest letdown; The Vancouver Canucks who apparently were in the finals 2 years ago but looked like it would have trouble beating the Edmonton Oilers' mothers in a pick-up game. Lacking any sense of passion, scoring or a true #1 goaltender, the Vancouver Canucks rode the apathy train to Sweeptown in losing 4 straight to San Torres Sharks with the only fight from the Canucks appearing in who could get to the team bus quickest in what should have been a much closer series than it was. However, for fans of the Canucks, they have lots to look forward to in the upcoming months as they continually read about potential trade rumors involving Roberto Luongo and discuss in fan forums how the referees, the league and Raffi Torres were out to get them.

The 2nd Round Match ups;

Chicago vs. Detroit 

                         vs         

On one side you have the Blackhawks, an unstoppable hockey force that plays with it's opponents the way Mike Tyson played with that guy's face in The Hangover. On the other side you have the other Original Six team, the Detroit Red Wings, who have absolutely nothing going for them other than their decades long tradition of being in the playoffs, their incredible depth of European talent and a guy named Jimmy Howard in net who at times has looked somewhat mortal.

Chicago in six because it's Detroit and every sports show loves showing a clip of someone picking up an octopus off the ice. 

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Eastern teams (aka the runner uppers)

Give me my precioussssss, wraith riderrrr. 

Finally, after nearly three minutes of highlight worthy drama, the compacted season has ended for most teams quite early in the East, especially down in Florida where it ended back on the 2nd week of the truncated NHL season.  Yet, due to Owner flunky and league commissioner Gary Bettman the entire Southwestern division still had to play out the year to give hockey and Winnipeg Jet fans the chance to see if Coach Claude Noel could usurp John Tortorella as the NHL's worst interview.

Here are some completely uneducated and unfounded playoff predictions for the 1st round eastern match ups.

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

VS

#8 New York Islanders

Analyzing the team - Wait? What? The islanders are in the playoffs? How did that happen you ask? Remember the Southeast division? This is what happens.  Blame GARY BETTMAN.  The fact that they are in the playoffs makes a mockery of all that Rick DiPietro, Alexi Yashin, Mike Milbury and Charles Wang have worked years to destroy.

To be fair, the Islander management did get something right

Analyzing the team name - Another team based on their geographical location and which will seem utterly stupid next year when they move from Manhattan Island inland to Brooklyn. Thankfully, they are not the first team to suffer like this, as basketball's LA Lakers were originally named for the lakes of Minnesota before their move, NFL's Phoenix Cardinals shared the name of the state bird of the MLB's St. Louis Cardinals and  the Montreal Canadiens were once named for the amount of Canadiens on their team.


Playoff Prediction; This is the type of series that every Penguin lover sees as proof almighty that they were meant to win the Cup. For the Islanders, this series just reminds them that they have a lot of work still ahead of them to be considered contenders.  Penguins in four straight.

Who looks like the 2013 Trade Geniuses; 1st Day on the New Job

It's always important to judge a trade by the very first game that the recent victims/rental players participate in with their new team. After all, they don't know anybody yet, nobody has tried to hit on their girlfriends and reporters are madly trying to get their first angle for a news story on the 'new guy'. So here's the immediate winners from the NHL trade deadline day;

Tampa Bay Lightning;

the O on his jersey could be called 'fore-shadowing'or 
amount of Lightning fans who had heard of Ben Bishop.

Ben Bishop earns a shut out with his first game of the Bolts, the first in new Coach Cooper's career with a 5-0 rout over the always dangerous Carolina Hurricanes, champion of both North and South Carolina.
Bishop stopped 45 shots for his first win for Tampa Bay which unfortunately means that unless he continues to post a 1000 save % for the rest of the season, there is nowhere to go but down.

I am extremely happy with you guys right now,
don't confuse this with my mad face.

New York Rangers

This team looks like geniuses right now (yes, tortorella is still their coach). Ryan Clowe gets 2 goals and an assist, Derek Brassard formerly of Columbus gets 1G 3A and John Moore also scores a goal in their first showing in Rangers uniforms. Clowe gets calls from Mark Messier asking to be in on the next photo op, but Clowe wisely declines.

The 2013 NHL Trade Deadline Recap (for realsies too)

so much hockey bullshit to feast on...

After a testosterone-laden 8 hours, the NHL trade deadline has passed with only one surprise to me; that  an old-fashioned real trade that could easily be emulated in certain hockey pools run by competent, efficient team managers that understand it takes something to get something. Unfortunately, I'm not in one of those types of pools so i will just have to sit back and wait for Edmonton to return to it's former glory.
Thankfully, Columbus and the New York Rangers did something that made waiting 6 hours for TSN updates worth it.

It was a busy morning as sports anchors and analysts tried to look busy in finding something to say about the deadline, as per annual tradition and it wasn't until near the end of the day that things apparently heated up. By then, GM's finally had responded to all their emails that had accumulated from various opinionated arm-chair coaches and did their thing.

Here's my few worthy observations;

Biggest Surprise of the Day; Marian Gaborik would waive his no-trade clause to go to Columbus
Maybe he just doesn't know where Columbus is (technically, neither do I) but it's a good fit; Gaborik can go score goals somewhere nobody has heard of him and Columbus gets that potential goal scorer to replace Rick Nash. Plus, Columbus is doing surprisingly okay this year with Bobrovsky in net, making Steve Mason expendable, which i will get to later.

Memories from a Saturday Night Hockey Night

Wow, it's been awhile since i've watched some hockey on Saturday night.  I caught 1/2 of the Montreal-Pittsburgh game when it was already 4-2, which in today's NHL is considered a high-scoring game. I figured that was it for scoring but apparently nobody told the goalies that. Montreal scored 2 before the period was out, making it 4-4 by the end of the 2nd period. Hey, a game that involves scoring!

Then Montreal scores to take the lead at the start of the 3rd period and the Montreal drunken faithful start singing that Ole, ole, ole chant with about 15 minutes left in the game which is a) pretty cocky and b) pretty stupid. Sure, maybe if that made it a 3 goal lead but the way these goalies were playing it was pretty premature. Plus, it's Montreal; no game is a sure win for them since 1977.

Sure enough Pittsburgh scores then there are some more goals and then I see...him; WTF! - Thomas Kaberle is playing for Montreal? He's been on more teams in the last three years than Michel Petit. Yeah, I WENT THERE. I thought Kabs retired after he won a Stanley Cup with Boston carrying Zdeno Chara's hockey sticks into the dressing room. Yet, seeing him reminded me of a hockey souvenir shop i went to in Parry Sound, birthplace of Bobby Orr and coincidentally also home of the Bobby Orr Hall of Fame and Museum.

So I'm walking around the small town center and duck into this little curio shop full of sorts of stuff and there, hanging from a rafter are three hockey pictures. There is a framed picture of Bobby, at a cost of $75.  There is also a picture of Mario Lemieux for the same price. Which is fine, both hall-of-famers, both retired. But then, right between these 2 superstars of the game is a picture of Thomas Kaberle as a Toronto Maple Leaf.  For some reason, this picture was, you guessed it: $75.

$75 with frame? Sold!

$75 with frame? Sold!

                                                                                                         

$75 with a free trip to Disneyland? ...uh..
I'll get back to you.

To give you an idea how preposterous this was, here are the three individual stats for these guys:

Great Hockey Riots #8

#8 - Montreal Riots of 2010 vs Pittsburgh 2nd round

Ahhh, Montreal.  Did you not learn anything from 2008?  To riot after winning an emotional seven game first round win over a historical rival is one thing but then to repeat it again a mere two years later?  Over opponents that you have no historical rivalry with?  

That was the case in 2010 when herds of Habitants(?) celebrated their long awaited (two years) run to the Stanley Cup by rioting again.  This time, they made it past the second round AND they still didn't make it to the Finals.  It's almost as if Montreal has forgotten what the point of rioting is; to celebrate a massive achievement (or failure; see Great Hockey Riots/Vancouver) not to celebrate basically making it halfway to the goal line. It's like celebrating Christmas in June.  Sure, the motions can be the same, but everyone knows it's not the real thing.



Final Score; 41 arrested; a province once again embarrassed.  Montreal goes on to lose decisively to Philadelphia 4 games to 1 in the Eastern Finals and thereby ends a nine decade record of winning the cup at least once every 10 years, which is a lame fact i know but I will put it out there.  Also there's this;