Congratulations to Alain Vigneault

No, I'm not expecting a Congratulations call from Mike. Why? 

It's hard to believe that it's been 20 years since the New York Rangers have been in the Stanley Cup Finals. It's been so long hardly anyone remembers what happened way back in 1994. Except this.

And now they are heading back there, having replaced hard-nosed, awesome-goatee'd John Tortorella with all-time winningest Canucks coach Alain Vigneault, so you can bet this guy feels like a bit of a douche.

The NHL media can only milk Marty St.Louis' mother's death for so long and the amazing commitment to the Cup it symbolizes. Now prepare to be inundated with images and reflections of twenty years ago as a litany of players who played for the NHL's largest US North American market (per capita) magically materialize out of where ever former NHL players go after they retire.

All-Time WTF Canucks Moments or And the winner of the Vancouver Goaltending Controversy is... Eddie Lack?

Little does he know by next week his life will be hell.

Man, here I was thinking i'd be done writing about hockey for awhile, maybe write something about being a dad then Mike Gillis goes off and does something that shocks most of the hockey world more then seeing that Iron Mike Keenan in Russia documentary on Sportsnet. Luongo finally gets traded for a 3rd string goalie, only months after the Canucks dealt away their other #1 netminder, Cory Schneider.  In less than a year, the Canucks have lost 2 starting goalies, their most successful head coach, and the once dominant scoring machine Sedins are both approaching their worst offensive outputs in their careers.  

But how does this rate in the Vancouver Canuck all-time list of colossal WTF moments?

Here's my Favourites, in semi-random order.

Rangers/Canucks switch coaching personalities. Predictable results will follow.

Recently John Tortorella was announced as the Vancouver Canucks 17th head coach, replacing their winning-est coach ever and causing the collective 'brain trust' of Vancouver hockey reporters to smash their heads against their laptops and mutter 'fuckyfuckyfuckyfuck'.

John Tortorella in a classic pose, telling NY reporters to back
their shit up and ask to yell their questions at him.

This may all sound familiar because it is. Remember when the Vancouver Canuck organization went and hired the ex-head coach of the New York Rangers, a move that turned out wildly successful and popular for the first 2 hours after it was announced?

Mark? Mark? Mark?  Can anyone hear me over that goal horn?

In fact, even their personal mottoes are oddly familiar....

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are a loser." - John Tortorella.

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are Trevor Linden and should get the fuck out of my dressing room. Right Mark?" - Mike Keenan

The Other NHL Awards

The Others Awards budget is pretty, pretty tight thanks to
GARY BETTMAN

It's that time of the year again, where we all get distracted by the confusing scheduling of the NHL Awards and Ceremonies right at the height of the Stanley Cup Finals. While most leagues prefer to wait until after the ceremonial booing of the commissioner, the NHL says 'Bullshit' to that idea and instead hosts a highly visual and star-struck affair (if one considers current and former hockey players stars) in the heart of the Stanley Cup Finals because that will probably be the last time anyone really cares about hockey until July 1st.

So while the NHL vets itself and it's players, placing a little extra weight on stupid reporter questions about what winning an award means to the two involved that are still competing for the biggest award in pro sports (Jonathon Toews and Patrice Bergeron), let's take a look at some other not-so-popular awards that will be handed out in the back alley behind a dumpster to homeless people on the morning of the Awards.


The Best Name in Hockey Award Goes To;  Johnny Oduya, Chicago Blackhawks. 

Runner Ups, Johnny Boychuk (Boston Bruins), Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)

His family, friends, coaches and teammates just call him '14'

With a name like 'Johnny' where else can you be still taken seriously but in hockey?

While Boychuk got points for being able to substitute boychuk woodchuck in the ancient tongue twister:
 'how much boys could a boy chuck chuck if a boy chuck could chuck boys?'
Oduya's last name is so phonetically great as it's own comeback that it takes my pick for name of the year.
'I think I will just go around this Chicago defenseman here who isn't Keith or Seabrook.'
'Oduya.'
'Oh, I do all right. Just watch me.'

Honorable Mention to Brooks Orpik, named after legendary USA coach Herb Brooks, which sadly shows that here was a boy who had no choice in life but to play hockey to please his hockey-loving father.

Dialing it in; AV's firing...

Well, the Vancouver Canucks made what I like to refer to as another 'Messier' by firing all-time winningest coach in Canuck history, Alain Vani- Vaingne- AV a couple weeks after a 4 game sweep by the San Jose Sharks, 2 years after their near-Cup glory run in 2011.

'I heard there's a coaching position available?' 

Of course, being hockey nuts, we all know that. Some say that AV had to go, some say that he was thrown under the zamboni by a desperate GM, Mike Gillis.

Simple fact is that Vancouver (unofficial motto; keeping expectations unrealistically high since 1982) pressured Mike Gillis into this firing. Vancouver fans are a fickle bunch and most fail to realize that they should be grateful that they at least got to see a cup run during their generation. There are a lot of fans out there that haven't including Toronto, Montreal, both New York teams, San Jose, Nashville, St. Louis... the list goes on but let's face it, reaching the finals once every 15 years is a pretty good average compared to the bottom half of the league. Even Scotty Bowman didn't make it to the Stanley Cup every year he had a team and he won exactly only one more Jack Adams trophy for best NHL coach than AV has.  Go figure...

Vancouver is known as a goalie graveyard. It took only one year for Luongo to fall from grace to be replaced by someone who has around 5 playoff games under his pads. Thankfully, Luongo is still a celebrity on twitter and has shown himself to be one of the most amicable (and richest) back up goalies in history...so good for him.

Maybe it would be easier to just buy a new car
everytime I'm low on gas...

Maybe AV will take to twitter as well in the few weeks he's unemployed for he has officially become the most sought after coach in the league as of 1 minute after he was fired. For the record, it's almost better for a Canuck coach to not nearly win the cup than it is to just keep the team above 500.  It's the difference between being Marc Crawford and being Alain Vaingneault, however you spell it.

Roger Nielson, who led the team to the 82 finals, was released in less than 2 seasons after near glory. Pat Quinn, another Jack Adams Coach of the Year winner, like AV left the coaching to Rick Ley right after their near glory run in 1994.  Both of their successors lasted less than a few years before they were given walking papers.

The last 2 Canuck coaches, Marc Crawford and AV have led the team to more points in the last 13 years than the previous 9 coaches had in the 20 years before them, including Pat Quinn and Mike Keenan's records.

So, if present history holds true and if Patrick Roy can come back as the Colorado Avalanche head coach, then look to the Canucks to win fan favour by perhaps finally giving the reins to someone who will run the team into Avalanche type territory in the next couple of years before hiring either or both of the all-time greatest Canucks, Trevor Linden or Stan 'Steamer' Smyl.

Something in this picture isn't quite right...

Holy shit...would that be awesome.  

Retro Post; The Greatest Canuck Stanley Cup Run

Ahhh, Vancouver.  If Montreal is to the NHL what the Yankees are to MLB, then Vancouver Canucks are the NFL's Buffalo Bills.  They've been to the Big Show three times, only to each time come away empty.  Unless you happen to be in downtown Vancouver after the final game, then you are probably coming away with quite a few things unpaid for.

While 1983 was perhaps an anomaly in that nobody truly expected the Canucks to defeat the 2x defending champion New York Islanders (yes, you read that right), 1994 was the year when believers were made.  A strong core of forwards led by Pavel Bure, Trevor Linden, and Gino Odjick. Jyrki Lumme, Dave Babych and Dana Murzyn on defence and the last of the great stand up goaltenders in Kirk McLean, before everybody started adopting the Patrick Roy butterfly followed by hip surgery in your 30's style.  The Canucks provided an amazing playoff run full of drama, emotion and continuous highlight reel moments, courtesy of Pavel Bure. While the 2011 Canucks had the diving, the biting, the LUongoing nothing can beat 1994's team for sheer Hollywood drama.

First the dramatics of the come from behind 1st round seven game defeat of the Calgary Flames after being behind 3 games to 1 in the series, featuring Kirk McLean in 'The Save'

which led to the perhaps the biggest moment in Canuck playoff history up to that time, Pavel Bure and 'The Goal';

My Opinion Matters, but It Doesn't: NHL Playoff headlines 2

PLAYOFF HEADLINES

SHARKS SWEEP CANUCKS; CHRISTY CLARK BLAMES DIX AND NDP

at least you can tell she shoots to the right

After the provincial favourite Vancouver Canucks were swept in four straight games by the San Jose Sharks BC Premier Christy Clark was quick to lay blame at the feet of NDP leader Adrian Dix.

"This is a direct result of the NDP and their leadership under Adrian Dix. If you elect me premier, I promise you the Vancouver Canucks will once again be Stanley Cup champions." said Clark through various social media channels and her blog. "If I could I would introduce back-to-work legislation on the two teams but I have been informed I can't, due to Adrian Dix and the NDP party."

I don't know what's going on but this is all DIX fault!"

When it was pointed out she was already Premier and the Canucks had never been Stanley Cup champions, Clark appeared dazed and confused, much like Roberto Luongo the day after the trade deadline.

"What's God?"

Hi baby,

Well, that's a great question.  Really, it is.  It's nice to see you are already taking an interest in such a complicated subject as meta-spiritual deities at only three years old.  Remind me to talk to your Grandpa about age-appropriate discussions.  But let's talks about this after we brush your teeth and after you go put some pajamas on.  I know you don't want to, but we have to keep our pajamas on. Then if we have enough time we can watch some Sports Desk before bedtime.
What? Oh, right. What's God. You sure you just don't want to watch Sports Desk?  You are only three so I don't know if this is really the time to get into this. You sure? Well...ok, I'll try.

The Pope Loved a Good Backhand

God is like bedtime. Everybody has one, right?  But not everybody has the same bedtime, just like not everybody has the same god. It's just not everybody has the same bedtime. Oh. I said that already? It's a complicated subject. Well, God is like bedtime. We all need bedtimes, but we don't all have the same bedtime. It's good to have bedtimes because we know where we should be at certain times, which is sort of like the same thing with God.  God helps you know where we should be on certain issues, like death and instant replays. Bedtime isn't something you can put in your pocket or draw or anything which is just like God, because nobody has really seen God because God is more of a concept, like delayed offsides, icing or a winning Toronto Maple Leaf team. Yeah, it's a concept.  A concept means that it's insubstantial but helps explain things that you can't physically see, like math and Pierre MacGuire.

you had to go there, didn't you, God?

Okay, well you can't see God just like you can't see bedtime but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  But bedtime, well, that's real, like a good punch in the face. God, well, let's say needs to punch someone in the face. In fact, even when you pray to God to punch someone in the face, just once, it doesn't happen. Instead, you are the one getting punched. And not in the face, in the friggin' ball sack.


Where was I?  Oh yeah, everybody has a bedtime, just like you. Even hockey players.  

God 1- Atheists 0

Is there a God? Well, some people believe there is, which is why their team wins the Stanley Cup and Vancouver Canuck fans riot. No, no honey, I haven't believed in God since 1982. Stan Smyl deserved a Stanley Cup. But sometimes, sometimes i want to believe. Like when Bure delivered that elbow in 94.  For a moment, i believed there was a God and He was a Canuck fan. What's a Canuck fan? Oh, they are like your early bedtimes. You hear about them all the time, but in reality, you don't see them very much. Only when things are going good and Daddy thinks he might score.


No, Daddy hasn't scored in awhile. Yes, it might have something to do with my bedtime. You see, Sportsdesk comes on pretty late sometimes and that's after Mommy's bedtime.  Does Mommy believe in God? You know what, that is something you can ask her tomorrow.  Time for bed, sweetie.  Love you.  

Reasons why i love hockey pools #22

My first hockey pool was about seven years ago, right after the previous lock out.  I had lost interest in hockey right after the first lock out and the introduction of the neutral zone trap.  i gathered bits of what was going on here and there; Messier was signed to Vancouver, Detroit was always a great team, New Jersey was destroying the way the game should be played, Toronto still was mentioned to be a contender without everyone starting to laugh.  Then apparently Messier went back to the Rangers and the Canucks started getting good. They had a top -scoring line in bertuzzi, naslund, and morrison.  Somehow they were contenders again but as per most teams in the league, (99% of them) failed to win the Stanley Cup and Vancouver media and fans blamed it, as per usual, on goaltending. Potvin, Cloutier, and most recently Luongo all seemed to get more scorn than praise despite the whole 'we win as a team, we lose as a team' concept.  


I digress.  A friend got me to join a dynasty hockey pool for 5 years.  it was fun.  Met guys of like mind online and basically formed a relationship of mutual msg board insults and bad trades as we bickered over who should retire, who did retire and if someone should really openly support the Maple Leafs.  It was fun.  Got me back into hockey, but the format of hockey pools doesn't really allow for a specific team as you are cheering on specific players.  I don't give a shit if Vancouver beat San Jose as long as Joe Thornton (a guy i've tried numerous times to trade w/ no bites) gets me 4 assists and perhaps a 10 minute misconduct.


Plus, the msg boards allows me to practice my banter, which primarily involves making fun of others who thankfully, all have a good sense of humor.  And are bald, but that go-to cop out is just lazy insult writing. It helped me get back into writing, if not Hemingway, at least something.  It is a nice distraction, a few minutes a day from kids, chores and other grown up stuff.
So, if you made it this far, here's my first attempt at rekindling the fire that made me want to watch NHL highlights.  Maybe it will work again this year...

So, if you made it this far, here's my first attempt at rekindling the fire that made me want to watch NHL highlights.  Maybe it will work again this year...

I am currently proud of this little gem to start the hockey pool season in my latest dynasty league in which i sort of defend the newest guy from the commissioner of the league, who had to replace a team who dropped out over the summer after 2 years and basically no interest in insulting or trading anybody for i can only assume personal reasons,like he just never stayed interested in hockey.    

Interestingly, this was the way Richard Brodeur
requested a water bottle from the bench

To My Fellow Poolies; 

we all apologize on jeremy's attempt at either humor or insulting your mom.  it's hard to tell what jer's intention is half the time which is why he makes so many trips to thailand by himself to 'explore his options'.  it's rumored his mom dropped him on his head when he was still in the womb, multiple times. 



She used to like going bump-bump-bump down the stairs in an effort to get jeremy out of the womb as he had been in there for 14 months already and unfortunately his older brother is tyler who has trouble formatting cohesive paragraphs so you might say it's hereditary.  Tyler is easy to spot because he puts an * by his team name so that whenever you see it, you think 'asshole'.

i think we will make more fun of you once we see what type of lame ass trade by tyler you fall for or great trade you offer me.  But if you are from kelowna, chances are that you probably don't know what you are doing and will just stock up on goaltenders while cheering for the canucks because that is who everybody else cheers for and you find it impossible to have an opinion of your own without asking the waitress at the local sports bar you attend cuz she's like, really into old dudes who know who Tony Tanti is.

welcome to the big leagues, King B.  I remembered you fondly.

The Vancouver Canucks European All-Star Team

All-Star lists are awesome.  They are so debatable, just justify your picks with a few choice facts, ignore the rest and let the insults start pouring in.  Especially if it's about someone else's favorite team.  The greatest thing about creating your own list is that it gives you the opportunity to say 'yeah? Well, where's your list smart-guy?' and then lean back in smug satisfaction for if nothing else, you had the ability and drive to actually write a list out that wasn't on a beer coaster.

For those who know Canuck fans, they probably will agree that most haven't even read this far; they just jumped to the selections and are preparing their own observations for the comments section which is fine, that's what it is there for.  For those of you who have read this far, congratulations - you will now find out why the Sedins aren't on the team; for the simple fact is that they are still playing.  So #1 rule of the list - all Canucks selected must be retired as of this writing.  Yes, the Sedins will be on a lot of greatest Canucks list in the future but let's not get ahead of ourselves, yes?

So, in no particular order here are my picks for the Vancouver Canuck All-Star European Team;

      Left Wing Markus Naslund 

Todd...todd...todd

 Markus, better known as 'the best 1 for 1 Canuck Trade in History', is the leading Canuck scorer as of right now.  A native of most likely Sweden, he is also probably a relative of the infamous yet really tiny Mats Naslund but maybe not; a lot of people are named Naslund in Sweden.  He also played with the Canucks for 12 years, which I did not know. This was because of Mark Messier. And I was high a lot. 

Worst Canuck Subjects to Bring Up Drunk.

You have to admit, there is nothing more fun sitting in a pub with a few of your most devoted Canuck brethren and sticking it to them regarding their choice of lame-ass teams to follow.  There is something about watching the spittle form on their lips as they defend their great Canucks that reminds you "Yet somehow this is all really funny."

you can also make fun of anyone
weighing less than a bag of pucks.

Of course, the key to bashing the Canucks in a alcoholic setting is to make sure that you know the people you are drinking with.  Beware the guy who is wearing a Canuck hat; their obvious show of loyalty makes for a bad sense of humour.  Of course, this doesn't apply if he is wearing some type of clothing that in some respect mentions Roberto Luongo.

Another person to beware of is the person who is wearing a "vintage" V jersey.  They will most likely be unable to pay for their drink.  If they are sporting a major bald spot and long moustache, it could also be Harold Snepsts and he can still kick your ass.  An easy way to tell is to approach them and ask if they are Harold Snepsts and buy him a drink if so.  DO NOT mention Mike Bossy or Game 1 of the 1982 finals.

The third person, who is complete fair game is the guy who proclaims his love for the Canucks but doesn't show any outward proof.  The easiest way to get a rise out of him is to tell him that he is obviously ashamed of the Canucks or else he would be wearing some type of swag that has set him back at the mininum $25.  He will be too old to play the game but still young enough to remember how real hockey used to be played.  He has an opinion about everything and believes that there is a vast Canuck conspiracy to keep Vancouver from ever winning a cup.  He probably has a name like 'Tyler' or 'Rob'.  During the playoffs, he grows a sub-par playoff beard that somehow succeeds in making him look less manly.  And when he starts talking hockey, he is seeing the world through blue/green/white tinted glasses.  He is a Canucklehead and 'sorta' proud of it.  

The top 10 debates to have with a Canucklehead;

1) Ugliest uniform.  This is to just get things warmed up and reminds the Canucklehead that no matter how heated the arguements forthcoming will be, you can always remind him that in the end, the Montreal Canadiens have never changed their team colours and have won the Stanley Cup 23 times (that legend, although hard to believe, is true) wearing basically the same jersey.  Talk about that 'salmon-colored' third jersey, or just what other franchise puts their owner's emblem on the front (orca)?

2) Petr Nedved.  This may be limited to the age of the Canucklehead who may have never heard of Petr Nedved.  If so, just tell him that Petr Nedved was considered the greatest player ever to be drafted before coming to the Canucks, at which time the franchise proceeded to suck all talent out of him.  This can be expanded to nearly every draft pick ever made by the Canucks, with only Trevor Linden and the Sedin twins proving the exception.  If they mention Linden, rebuttal with 'but they traded him, didn't they?' which will lead into the 3rd debate.

Seriously...F^^# That Guy

Mark doing what he does best.

Mark Messier, the man who crushed many a Canuck fans dreams has once again placed his boot on the face of the Canuck franchise, this time to the tune of $6 million.  A New York (go figure) arbitrator awarded the sum to Messier after he brought a lawsuit against the Canucks for...if i understand this right...not paying him a percentage of the value the Canuck franchise increased from the time Messier joined the Canucks in 1997 to the time he finished demolishing it in 2000.   

Say what you will, but this man knows how to write a contract.  I heard that when he signed with the Rangers the first time, there was a clause that he had to be in the top 3 highest earning players.  That means he admitted that he did not deserve more than Gretzky or Lemieux but basically, he was more valuable than anyone else.  So when Jaromir Jagr received a pay raise, making him 3rd highest paid in the league, Messier's contract automatically called for a raise to leapfrog him back into 3rd. 

And i think he was his own agent too.  Talk about the balls on this guy.  So when his contract expired with the NYR and the beginning of the new era of NHL 'super' stars; Bure, Lindros, Mogilny, Jagr emerged, he felt slighted that the Rangers would not again resign him to be the 3rd highest paid player in the league and so for some deep-seated hatred, decided to offer his services to whichever team would allow him to destroy Trevor Linden the most.  That team? The Vancouver Canucks. 

The Day The Music Died

Not content on just winning the 94 Stanley Cup, he decided to basically
take over the whole team identity in his quest to destroy Linden forever.

There have been many embarrassing moments for the True Canuck Faithful (if you were born after 1990 you're not one of them).  Heck, all you have to do is watch any Gretzky milestone video and there's a group of Canuck pylons sharing the ice for eternity with the Great One.

Even Mario Lemieux picked Gary Lupul to be his first of what was to be less-than-stellar career in beating up small people.

But there has been no greater embarrassing moment for the True Canuck Faithful than this catastrophe that happened in the summer of 1998: Mark Messier standing victorious over the Vancouver media, basking in his crushing defeat of the Canuck logo/brand.  He may as well have arrived via fighter jet and had a 'mission accomplished' sign behind him.

It still hurts...

In a move akin to making Godzilla mayor of Tokyo, it was Orca Bay's first headlining move after seizing control of the franchise from Arthur Griffiths Jr.  Probably because 1994 was the last time owner John McCaw was sober and he had just taken his head out of his giant pile of money to find he now owned an NHL team.  A Canadian based team at that that had forged a bit of an identity through years of dedication by Stan Smyl and Trevor Linden.  Therefore he had to crush it.  I don't know why.  Maybe because he liked to crush people's dreams.  

At least this one fought injustice.

So, being an American, he hired other American advisors to create a team that America would like because, you know, America.  New logo, new coach, new captain.  It was the worst betrayal since Pope Clement V handed over the Knights Templar to the King Philip.  


And the rest has never been the same.