Rangers/Canucks switch coaching personalities. Predictable results will follow.

Recently John Tortorella was announced as the Vancouver Canucks 17th head coach, replacing their winning-est coach ever and causing the collective 'brain trust' of Vancouver hockey reporters to smash their heads against their laptops and mutter 'fuckyfuckyfuckyfuck'.

John Tortorella in a classic pose, telling NY reporters to back
their shit up and ask to yell their questions at him.

This may all sound familiar because it is. Remember when the Vancouver Canuck organization went and hired the ex-head coach of the New York Rangers, a move that turned out wildly successful and popular for the first 2 hours after it was announced?

Mark? Mark? Mark?  Can anyone hear me over that goal horn?

In fact, even their personal mottoes are oddly familiar....

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are a loser." - John Tortorella.

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are Trevor Linden and should get the fuck out of my dressing room. Right Mark?" - Mike Keenan





On the other side of the hockey word, the Canucks' winningest coach takes his 2 President's Trophies in 3 years to a city that probably has no idea who he is, has only 1 legitimate starting goaltender and two superstars who disappear during the playoffs.  So... pretty much business as usual barring the Big City anonymity, which will be a refreshing change for him.

His subtle player motivation techniques will be appreciated.

On the plus side, this happened (again);

but...but...remember 1994?

Mark Messier had a little toddler tantrum when he was passed over for the head coaching job by his bestest boss Glen Sather for Alain Vigneault.  So he quit to go manage a hockey complex that is not yet built. Seriously. It also has 450 likes on facebook, so..totally legit.

Man, does that sound familiar...

Messier racing off the ice to catch that plane back to New York.

Mark apparently didn't understand why his most recent employment history as 'Special Assistant to Glen Sather since 2009' failed to win him the job. Apparently, making the coffee and trying to contact Wayne Gretzky for Glen's photo shoots couldn't trump Vigneault's impressive NHL record.

To compare;

Alain Vigneault - 806 NHL games coached 422 wins 288 losses.  2 President's Trophies, Western Conference Champion, Jack Adams Trophy

Mark Messier - 0 games NHL games coached. Can cry on cue or anytime the Bruce Springsteen song "Glory Days" comes on.

So, pouting like a typical Mark Messier Prima Donna, he stated he is quitting the Rangers, an organization that paid him to do basically nothing but remind fans that they once won the Stanley Cup. For the record, remember he also memorably cheap-shotted Trevor Linden in the final minute of Game 6 of the Stanley Cup who also had just been injured by a vicious pick by Adam Graves, resulting in Linden playing Game 7 with broken ribs and scoring 2 goals.

Which also goes to show how much the refereeing has improved in 20 years. And that Mark Messier is still a big cry-baby.

 But back to Torts...

Everybody knows that John Tortorella is exactly what the Vancouver Media needs. A tough, no nonsense coach that will nail their balls to the wall or berate them for even having the audacity to breathe much less step foot in a hockey rink for free.

This is my happy face, I am f$#%ing
telling you for the last time.

Why yes, this is my new happy face. (Fuh...I already hate these Vancouver idiots).

So with his signing and the suspiciously deja vu statement that reminded me of what Mike Keenan said during his first press conference to herald the beginning of the Dark Years lets take a look at the mitigating factors involved in Alain and John's job switch.

Player Problems;

Torts will have to solve the 2 goalie/1 net problem that is Roberto Luongo and Cory Schneider. Luongo being the more experienced, twitter-friendly goalie with 32 playoff wins under his pads and Schneider, who has won all of 1 playoff game.

Vigneault will have to solve the 2 egos/1 dressing room problem that is Rick Nash and Brad Richards' heads.

General Managers;

Torts now has to answer to Mike Gillis a former player of the Colorado Rockies who made a career as a player agent for Pavel Bure and Marcus Naslund.

Vigneault now has to answer to Glen Sather, a former player who made a career out of just standing behind Wayne Gretzky and smiling.

Teams;

Torts has inherited a high quality team that is long on regular season wins and short on playoff success in recent years. He also has to ensure the Sedin twins continue their point production.

Vigneault has inherited a high quality team and the most photogenic goaltender in the game, which will make his 20-something daughters very happy. He has to ensure that they stay out of the dressing room after games.

Fans;

Torts will now have to deal with the most-hated fan base on the West Coast and the complete loss of privacy that it entails. And the Green Men.

Vigneault will now have to deal with the most-hated fan base in New Jersey and the complete loss of modesty it entails.

All in all, this is a great trade for both clubs, if you think a good trade involves no players being traded and both teams continue to play well enough to make the playoffs. Unless of course their General Managers continue to fiddle with team chemistry by adding and subtracting players in the newest version of the cap-happy NHL.