The Off-Season Game Plan; San Jose Sharks Edition

By now you know how this goes. I, without any help from any stats sites or office fan boys or any pay from the NHL head office go ahead and help decide what millionaire owners should do with their money and/or their team.

This time, I'm about to get all 'up in it' with the San Jose Sharks.

The San Jose Sharks recently lost the mantle of 'perennial Cup contender' to the Anaheim Ducks this year. The Sharks have consistently been picked to be one of the top challengers to the Cup at the beginning of each year since I can remember, which is technically 2003. And yet, they have never been able to make it to the Glory Land and ticket revenues of the Stanley Cup.

It all came to a head this year when the face of the franchise and their all-time assists leader Joe Thornton was stripped of his Captaincy. Then there was the things the press made into big deals but didn't really deserve any more thought devoted to it so you will have to look it up yourself in case you don't remember.

From the History Files - The 2013 NHL intro for Brits

(ok, back in the day, being 2012-13 season, I wrote this and got it published somewhere online. I'm busy with the Nanowrimo thinger going on but in the meantime, enjoy this piece of history)

Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.

Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.

In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey's greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to...

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;

All you need to know is this; The NHL is crazy. There is nothing rational about it, either on the ice or off. It was the subject of the greatest sports movie ever made, and has some of the best haircuts ever. It once had two players that dominated the sport like no other athlete has ever dominated a sport yet they played at the same time. Imagine Maradona and Pele playing at the same time, and on occasion even on the same team to defeat the world's worst superpower and #2 hockey nation (no, not America, the other one).

This moment knocked the 1972 Summit Series off the #1 hockey moment
of all time - yes, it is of someone crying. 

THE EASY STUFF;

The regular season starts in October, is 82 games long, and lasts for about six months.
Playoffs start in April and go for about three months. There is no 'one game take all' playoffs; this is all about maximizing owner revenue so the teams are forced to play four rounds of best-of-seven's, which in reality is quite brilliant. The first team to win four games over their opponent moves on to the next round and possibly gets a break while waiting for their opponents to inflict maximum pain on each other.

They play for a large trophy called the Stanley Cup, named after Lord Stanley. It is so rare, there are only 3 replicas of it in existence (the presentation one, the touring one, and the one at the Hockey Hall of Fame. The original is kept in a safe at the Hall of Fame as well and is no bigger than a large salad bowl, which was probably it's original intention).

Canadians start talking about hockey about 2 months before the regular season starts. This is called the 'pre-season' and in reality mean nothing unless you are a Toronto fan, then it defines the rest of your season, saving you all sorts of heartbreak later on.

This photo deserves to be a bit more viral.

Retro Post - What you need to know, the nhl 2013

- just a blast from the past. As in last year. A rejected piece that will now see the light of the Internet for the first time. 

The National Hockey League is Crazy; What you Need to Know About the 2013 NHL Season

Is this a lock-out year or not?

  Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.

 Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it’s 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.

 In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey’s greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to…

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;

2104 Hockey Playoffs - The Year of the Duck?

Visual Representation of the Western Conference Playoffs

The Western Conference;

The best way to dissect the Western Conference is to imagine a gathering of high octane muscle cars, the kind that would make Vin Diesel wet his pants in glee. Then imagine all those cars entering a demolition derby, smashing the shit out of each other in an attempt to be the last one standing. Then the winner of which gets to meet Jarome Iginla and the Boston Bruins for the Stanley Cup.

That's what the Western Conference is like; a hockey royal rumble full of talented teams that are Stanley Cup contenders yet due to their location have to eliminate each other to get to the final prize. Half of these first round match ups would have been great Stanley Cup Finals in a perfect world. They are going to be beating the shit out of each other in the first round only to still go at it against two more opponents before they finally get a chance to meet what should be a relatively healthy Eastern opponent.

The NHL. What you Need to Know. Part 1 of 4

The NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month.

Here is what you need to know about this year's teams, all anxious to try to relive the pace and glory of last year's shortened 48 game season by starting 4 months earlier and returning to an 82 game (give or take) schedule.

The NHL continues to make a mockery of consistent rules, divisions and Canadian hockey fans by continuing to allow teams to play in such tropical destinations as Florida, Texas and Arizona where one can see a professional hockey team for cheaper than attending a local high school's drama class production of Oklahoma.

where the hell is the Smythe area of North America?

Gone are the six divisions that meant nothing for the last 20 years replaced by four divisions that still mean nothing. The new structure still means each conference will have 8 teams that qualify for the playoffs but in keeping with it's unusual scoring system, the following method will be used to keep fans confused until the final days of the regular season when they learn if their team has qualified or not.

From NHL.com; 

The top three teams in each division will make up the first 12 teams in the playoffs. The remaining four spots will be filled by the next two highest-placed finishers in each conference -- regardless of division -- based on regular-season points. It will be possible for one division to send five teams to the postseason while the other sends three.

The seeding of the wild-card teams within each divisional playoff will be determined by regular-season points. The division winner with the most points in the conference will be matched against the wild-card team with the fewest points; the division winner with the second-most points in the conference will play the wild-card team with the second-fewest points.

Simple. And how does a team get these points to qualify for the playoffs?

Just nod and move on...

A team gets 2 points for a straight-up win. If both teams tie, they each get a point. They play a 5 minute overtime session, at which time each team is minus 1 player. If someone scores, the winning team gets 2 points and the losing team gets 1 point. If nobody scores in extra time, the teams go to a shoot out where players take turns trying to score on breakaways (much like a penalty kick). If they score, that goal doesn't count as a goal on their point totals but their team could win, as long as the other team doesn't score. Eventually, everyone gets bored and they all go home and wait for the NHL statisticians to tell us what happened.

As I said you don't really need to worry about it. Chances are your team will just make or just miss the playoffs thanks to the league's continual attempt to ensure team parity. Just pick a team then come back in April.

On to the teams!

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Final Eight

Western Conference First Round Recap

Biggest Surprise; The Chicago Blackhawks allowed the Minnesota Wild to actually beat them once on the way to their 5 game victory. Showing what $200 million in off-season acquisitions can get you, besides a league-wide lockout, the Wild put on a daring display of ferocity and puck-moving while in practice scrimmages but were unable to translate that at game time, which to be fair at times would be best to visualize as flock of starlings going up against an Apache helicopter.

Biggest letdown; The Vancouver Canucks who apparently were in the finals 2 years ago but looked like it would have trouble beating the Edmonton Oilers' mothers in a pick-up game. Lacking any sense of passion, scoring or a true #1 goaltender, the Vancouver Canucks rode the apathy train to Sweeptown in losing 4 straight to San Torres Sharks with the only fight from the Canucks appearing in who could get to the team bus quickest in what should have been a much closer series than it was. However, for fans of the Canucks, they have lots to look forward to in the upcoming months as they continually read about potential trade rumors involving Roberto Luongo and discuss in fan forums how the referees, the league and Raffi Torres were out to get them.

The 2nd Round Match ups;

Chicago vs. Detroit 

                         vs         

On one side you have the Blackhawks, an unstoppable hockey force that plays with it's opponents the way Mike Tyson played with that guy's face in The Hangover. On the other side you have the other Original Six team, the Detroit Red Wings, who have absolutely nothing going for them other than their decades long tradition of being in the playoffs, their incredible depth of European talent and a guy named Jimmy Howard in net who at times has looked somewhat mortal.

Chicago in six because it's Detroit and every sports show loves showing a clip of someone picking up an octopus off the ice. 

My Opinion Matters, but It Doesn't: NHL Playoff headlines

So, it's the first couple of days of the NHL playoffs, our annual Spring rite that indirectly gives men in Canada the right to grow a beard until their favourite team loses. Which is why I always cheer for the Stanley Cup winning team. Yet, I can't grow a beard. Strange custom, but we Canadians are always looking for a reason not to shave.

beard growing may be our only similarity

Already a few things have happened in the last 48 hours which chip away at my resolve to watch the playoffs. I'm not a 100% all or nothing hockey fan, but i am Canadian. Work, family and chores take up a large chunk of my time and so when i have the few minutes to 'zone in' to a game I appreciate it.  That said, here are some observations of the little hockey i have watched;

Let's call this....

PLAYOFF HEADLINES

YES, WE KNOW.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS IN PLAYOFFS 1ST TIME IN 9 YEARS!

Holy shit, who doesn't know that already? I watched the 3rd period of their 1st game loss against Boston and heard it at least three times, saw it as a graphic twice and then heard it two more times that night on TSN Sportsdesk (without watching the mandatory 'what went wrong' special Leaf supplement they run). And I'm not even watching that much hockey right now.

If you are just tuning into the NHL (which you aren't because you are reading this)  there is no way you can escape this fact. I mean, I didn't even watch any of the pre-game, post-game, most-of-the-game and hockey highlight packages that all indubitably made mention of this. We get it, Toronto has sucked for a decade and now the team is better than the Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Carolina Hurricanes and a few other eastern teams so sucky I can't be bothered to remember their names.
Reminding the viewers that Toronto hasn't played a playoff game in 9 years is like telling us the sky is still blue, America has guns and Nazis were bad, bad people. And after that 1st game showing, they still haven't played a playoff game.  Booyah!

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Western Conference (aka Home of the 2013 Stanley Cup Champions)

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

VS

#8 Minnesota Wild

Analyzing The Team - Minnesota made big news last summer when their management precipitated the lock out by signing 2 highly coveted free agents to multi-million dollar decade long contracts despite their proven ability in never winning a Stanley Cup. The wealth of experience that Zach Parise and Ryan Suter brought in not winning when it counts in the Stanley Cup playoffs will be a boon to the Wild as they bow out in four straight games.

This is either Parise or Suter. Hard to tell

Analyzing the Team Name -  The Wild team name, much like their crest is difficult to figure out. It is one of only 4 other North American professional sports teams (so, excluding soccer) that can't be pluralized (no, i won't tell you the others).  The crest sort of looks like a tripped out mountain lion from afar but on closer inspection is more of forest at night motif. Minnesota has lots of lakes that are frozen over much of the year and is known solely for it's most (and only) famous native Minnesotan, Prince.

I guess the Minnesota 'White-Outs' came in second.

Playoff Prediction; hahahahaha ha haha (gasp,gasp) hahahahahaha