Rangers/Canucks switch coaching personalities. Predictable results will follow.

Recently John Tortorella was announced as the Vancouver Canucks 17th head coach, replacing their winning-est coach ever and causing the collective 'brain trust' of Vancouver hockey reporters to smash their heads against their laptops and mutter 'fuckyfuckyfuckyfuck'.

John Tortorella in a classic pose, telling NY reporters to back
their shit up and ask to yell their questions at him.

This may all sound familiar because it is. Remember when the Vancouver Canuck organization went and hired the ex-head coach of the New York Rangers, a move that turned out wildly successful and popular for the first 2 hours after it was announced?

Mark? Mark? Mark?  Can anyone hear me over that goal horn?

In fact, even their personal mottoes are oddly familiar....

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are a loser." - John Tortorella.

"I am not a good loser. I think if you are a good loser you are Trevor Linden and should get the fuck out of my dressing room. Right Mark?" - Mike Keenan

Chicago wins Cup, 48 hours earlier than scheduled! Mass Panic at Blog desk!

I was thinking that this post was going to be a comparison of the Tortorella/Vigneault trade but my Chicago Blackhawks upset my schedule a little bit by winning the Stanley Cup 48 hours before I wanted them to. So in honor of their accomplishment and this, my 100th post on this blog (with still no job offers) here's a look at comparing some facts that the TSN sports reporters dug up.

The Turning Point - the consensus seems to be that it was when Coach Quenneville reunited Patrick Kane with Jonathon Toews and Brian Bickell on the top line says every pro hockey analyst ever.

Ogie says - uh, i'd say the Turning Point was when Brian Bickell tied it and then Dave Bolland scored that goal-ahead goal 17 seconds later. Instead of going back to Chicago for Game 7, The double B's changed that making all of Chicago's Black Aces race to get their gear on to prepare for the presentation about to happen in less than 2 minutes.

The Other NHL Awards

The Others Awards budget is pretty, pretty tight thanks to
GARY BETTMAN

It's that time of the year again, where we all get distracted by the confusing scheduling of the NHL Awards and Ceremonies right at the height of the Stanley Cup Finals. While most leagues prefer to wait until after the ceremonial booing of the commissioner, the NHL says 'Bullshit' to that idea and instead hosts a highly visual and star-struck affair (if one considers current and former hockey players stars) in the heart of the Stanley Cup Finals because that will probably be the last time anyone really cares about hockey until July 1st.

So while the NHL vets itself and it's players, placing a little extra weight on stupid reporter questions about what winning an award means to the two involved that are still competing for the biggest award in pro sports (Jonathon Toews and Patrice Bergeron), let's take a look at some other not-so-popular awards that will be handed out in the back alley behind a dumpster to homeless people on the morning of the Awards.


The Best Name in Hockey Award Goes To;  Johnny Oduya, Chicago Blackhawks. 

Runner Ups, Johnny Boychuk (Boston Bruins), Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)

His family, friends, coaches and teammates just call him '14'

With a name like 'Johnny' where else can you be still taken seriously but in hockey?

While Boychuk got points for being able to substitute boychuk woodchuck in the ancient tongue twister:
 'how much boys could a boy chuck chuck if a boy chuck could chuck boys?'
Oduya's last name is so phonetically great as it's own comeback that it takes my pick for name of the year.
'I think I will just go around this Chicago defenseman here who isn't Keith or Seabrook.'
'Oduya.'
'Oh, I do all right. Just watch me.'

Honorable Mention to Brooks Orpik, named after legendary USA coach Herb Brooks, which sadly shows that here was a boy who had no choice in life but to play hockey to please his hockey-loving father.

Boston Bruins Vs The 2013 Stanley Cup Champions

And then there were 2...

Fuck me. Of all the teams that may make my Stanley Cup prediction fail, it would be the Boston Bruins. I never really considered them to make it this far at the start. No real reason, maybe just fell onto that Pittsburgh Penguin train of thought or didn't bother considering them because well...Blackhawks.

Toews didn't realize the taxi driver was a Bruins fan.

However, this could very well be one of the most even match-ups in recent history. Now some of you may disagree with me which is fine because I can't hear you.  But the Vancouver/Boston series was a contest between high-class and low-classs; of east coast and west coast, Starbucks vs Dunkin' Donuts, finger biting vs. face punching.
It was ironic that the most effective Canucks (in my opinion) were closest to the Bruins in mentality; Raffi Torres and Aaron Rome who's names are now both synonymous with 'instant concussion and suspension'.

I'm not saying it's coincidence (it's Mike Gillis) but neither of those two are playing for the Canucks anymore and the Canucks are fading fast from Stanley Cup contention. Gillis is saying that window is closing despite still having 2 starting goalies and their all-star Sedins. A Canuck fan only has to look at the Bruins, who have kept their roster pretty much intact and lost only their all-star goalie to start breaking out the Crying Towel and just sit back and prepare for the inevitable 'rebuilding' talk.

But that's for another day. Let's get to figuring out just how close this Stanley Cup will be. Here is Ogie's nuanced breakdown of the Chicago Blackhawks and Boston Bruins, two of the original six teams but I doubt that fact will be mentioned less than 50x leading up to the puck drop on Wednesday and 10x a game after that before commercial breaks.

And Now for Something Lightly Different...

So now that we are in the lull of the 3rd round, where at least 2 games have been played and we know which way the wind is blowing in regards to the Stanley Cup and who is going to be playing Chicago and [SPOILER ALERT] it looks to be Boston.

This is my take of a typical 7 game series. Then after this, I will throw in a review of the new movie 'the Internship' coming out soon in 2005 which really underlines the difficulties of movie-making a current topic with current actors. Especially if that topic and actors were current 8 years ago, like Jarome Iginla.

But first;

and you question if the $500 ticket was worth it.

Game 1 - This game is the most important game of the series. It establishes the tone of the series. If the home team wins, that's good. If they lose, they have lost home ice advantage which means that they could be kicked out of the playoffs in a hostile town many miles from home. Everybody is amped up and people at the game are trying to figure out who the important numbers are to watch, according to their handyman.

Game 2 - This game is the most important game of the series. If the home team has won both games, sports announcers everywhere will start telling you the odds of the other team coming back and beating them 4 times without home ice advantage. If the home team loses both games, they may very well be up Shit Creek or as Penquins fans like to call it 'What's Happening Right Now'..

Game 3 - This game is the most important game of the series. If the series is tied, one team now goes up one game. If one team has already won the first 2 games, they may as well start reserving Stanley Cup tickets. If this is the first win for a team, the series just got a bit more interesting which makes....

I am angry, happy, sad and confused right now
because it is only Game 4.

Game 4 - This game is the most important of the series. If a team has already won 3 games, this game gives the coach a chance to let some other players try to score some goals. If one team is up 2 games to 1, this game 'pushes the (blank) to elimination' and creates all sorts of cliche 'do or die' quotes before the next game which is more important. If the other team wins, the series is tied at 2-2 and makes the first four games moot and instead the playoffs become a best of three, which is much more exciting for everyone especially the team owners and local scalpers.

Game 5 - This game is most important because there should be no more fucking around if your team has already won 3 games. You don't want to let the other team start thinking they have a chance (see Detroit, round 2) and it's best for everyone concerned you just finish the series off so you can watch some of the NBA playoffs. Of course, if the series is tied 2 games apiece, this game makes the next game a winner take all scenario, which is awesome depending on if it is the visiting or home team with the lead. It's like having a head start in winning.

I'm sad but my annual net worth just went up $200,000

Game 6 - This game is the most important because if the series-leading team loses, it forces a Game 7 which causes massive erections for all hockey fans and analysts. One mistake can be all the difference and the referees try not to be the ones to point those mistakes out, which leads to lots of booing and cheering, depending on which team is on the receiving end of the not-called near decapitation infraction. There may be some crying involved by one of the team's marketing departments.

Game 7 - Holy Shit, this game is the most important because the winner makes the other team cry in front of thousands as they realize that they were so close to being in the Stanley Cup Finals but failed to seal the deal in what would now be considered the biggest game of their lives (if they were on the losing team).

Fuck'n still? Get over it, Vancouver...

It could be the closest some players ever get to the Stanley Cup as the team chemistry that got them this far is all but destroyed in the off-season by nosy general managers, cap-wielding accountants and greedy agents. The winning team receives a historical trophy that was once considered a great achievement but has since become a superstitious rite in itself of 'touch or don't touch'. If the home team wins it, there is much rejoicing, if the home team loses and the team is Canadian, there is a good chance of a riot (so no worries again this year). 

And now about that movie I was mentioning...

Well played, Onion, well played.