Winners of the 2014 NHL Draft now that nobody cares...

Winners:

#1 The Philadelphia Flyer fans.

It's amazing to me that thousands of Philadelphia fans showed up at the Spectrum (is it still called that?) to watch a bunch of grown men basically play the real version of a fantasy hockey draft. But then I heard what they did during roll call and I thought 'That's fuckin' Awesome.' Thank you, Philly fans for what I hope is going to be a yearly tradition because if there is anything that yells out SUCKS more than 24 hours of dedicated TSN coverage, its the NHL entry draft.


#2 Mickael Grabvoski 

I admit i have a soft spot for the guy - he was a steady contributor in my own dynasty fantasy pool up until he was moved to a defensive role thanks to Randy Caryle (SUCKS). Getting out of Toronto was great, the 1st game hat trick with Washington led to some hopeful thoughts of years past production but he wasn't able to put up Ovie-like numbers (35 points in 58 games) as the 3rd, sometimes 2nd line center.

Yet he did well enough to earn a $2 million dollar raise in the eyes of the New York Islanders who see the potential in the fighting Finn. Or Russian. Anyways, Behind Tavares and Nilson and on a team that threatened to make Islander jokes a thing of the past, he should make a decent fit in a team that desperately needs to remember they used to be a Dynasty. Speaking of other teams that really under-performed last season...

From the Nostalgic Files - And then there were 2... The 2013 Stanley Cup

Once, a long, long time ago, I wrote a thing or two about hockey. Now there is no hockey. I need my hockey fix. It's the dead time when nothing of importance is going on - but i do think i saw a vaguely familiar NHL player walking downtown yesterday. Why do I think that? He was young, well-built, facial hair (stating 'hey, i've been on vacation for awhile) and had poor fashion sense (so probably rich). I try to keep interested in NHL news but I can't get excited about who won what in arbitration or which player recently signed a minor league contract for X team. 

So, I'm going to post this - an retro article back in the day when life was good and the Hawks had yet to win their second Cup in three years. 

We all know how this ended. The biggest winner by far was 3rd string lunch bucket man Dave Bolland managing to take advantage of scoring the Cup-winning goal into a 5 yr/$27.5 million contract with Florida despite only playing in 58 games the last two years. 

If he continues to take his 2 year yearly average of 29 games played per year to the Panthers, that guy is ringing in approximately $190,000 per game. 

And all because of an incredible let down by the Bruins in Game Six. On behalf of the Chicago fan base and especially Dave Bolland - thank you.

a rare picture of Bolland actually on the ice in Toronto.

The Final Four 2014

After a rousing, self-esteem building 7 of 8 correct playoff predictions, Ogie found himself a little sadder this evening, despite going 3 for 4 in the semi-finals. Not Teemu Selanne sad or even Milan Lucic 'I'm going to Kill You' sad. Just... more grounded. Maybe because I'm not a betting man but I would have made some pretty good coin in Vegas this year. It's just that Ogie's go-to contender Eastern contender the Bruins, and therefore Jarome Iginla, are out. In the West, the Ducks succumbed to the charismatic Darryl Sutter-led LA Kings. So no Stanley Cup being handed off to either Iginla or Selanne one last time as they fade out into hockey hall of fame sunset, which would have made for a nice 'Ray Bourque crying' 15 years later retrospective on TSN.

So the final four comes down to 'Conspiracy Alley'. Perhaps the four biggest hockey markets in all of NHL-land - New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and Canada. True, Canada  would have been there anyways but now, to the chagrin of most of English-speaking Canada, the Montreal Canadians are in the mix.

But yeaaaaa NHL public relations! We'll skip over the plethora of conspiracy theories out there. And by out there I mean on my notepad by the TV. Let's skip that LA goal that moved them past a stunned but consistently disappointing Joe Thornton-led San Jose Sharks. These anonymous refs that either let them play like they are in the 80's again or make them play like they are in the regular season again. I'm lucky to remember that in the 80-90's Hockey Referee Hall of Fame (if there is such a thing) legends Andy Van Hellemond, Bruce Hood, Terry Gregson, and even Kerry 'hair-helmet' Fraser wouldn't even bring their whistle out of the dressing room after the 2nd period intermission.  Man... those were the days...

But that's neither here nor there. Here is the Final Four! There is the golf course and summer cottages that so many NHL'rs now have to suffer in as these Final Four teams vy for Ogie's glory.

14 Subjectively Amazing Facts About... Marian Hossa

On a team that has it's fair share of marquee players, Marian Hossa is a bit of an oddity. Odd in that out of everyone on the Blackhawks, he has the most Stanley Cup experience. On a team overflowing in talent in pretty much every aspect of the game and on every line, Hossa has one amazing feat that goes relatively unnoticed; he has appeared in more Stanley Cup Finals in the last six years than anyone but Don Cherry and Ron MacLean.

Canada's most trusted news sources

Sure, on a team that has perennial all-stars Jonathon Toews, Patrick Kane, Duncan Keith hogging most of the media attention it's easy to forget that Hossa kind of takes his place along players like Patrick Sharp, Brent Seabrook, Corey Crawford and Brian Bickell. But he's the ultimate 'been-there/done-that' player when it comes to the Stanley Cup, playing in more Finals Series than anyone since the days of the Oilers Dynasty, when most of that nucleus missed only two Finals in the decade, allowing the Flames and the Canadiens to take home the Glory. But none of them played on three different teams to get there. In fact, since Marian joined the NHL in 98-99 he has missed the post-season only twice in his career, both times with the Atlanta Thrashers.   Click below to find out some other interesting facts about Chicago's other star.

Round 1 Finally Finished!

Now normally, Ogie isn't one to be turned to when you want bold predictions. To be truthful, you shouldn't turn to anyone for betting advice. But that said, Ogie did pretty good on his first rounders, going 7 for 8 in the win column.

But now, shit gets serious.

In the East

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens

                vs     

You probably don't know this as you've lived in a ditch in Louisiana your whole life but Boston and Montreal have one of the most storied rivalries in hockey. At one time a Boston/Montreal game was received with the same passion and fervor as Canada vs. USSR or Common Sense vs. the NRA. It's cooled somewhat over the years as Boston has won 9 of the last 11 match ups since the infamous Don Cherry Too Many Men Incident That He Doesn't Like To Bring Up More Than Four Times A Year.

On one side you have a perennial Stanley Cup contending team. On the other side you also have a perennial Stanley Cup contending team (if someone were to invent a time machine and go back to the seventies). Boston is loaded with Tukka Rask, Zdeno Chara and Milan Lucic. Montreal is loaded with Carey Price, P.K. Subban and a lot of Montreal Medical Men on standby.

2104 Hockey Playoffs - The Year of the Duck?

Visual Representation of the Western Conference Playoffs

The Western Conference;

The best way to dissect the Western Conference is to imagine a gathering of high octane muscle cars, the kind that would make Vin Diesel wet his pants in glee. Then imagine all those cars entering a demolition derby, smashing the shit out of each other in an attempt to be the last one standing. Then the winner of which gets to meet Jarome Iginla and the Boston Bruins for the Stanley Cup.

That's what the Western Conference is like; a hockey royal rumble full of talented teams that are Stanley Cup contenders yet due to their location have to eliminate each other to get to the final prize. Half of these first round match ups would have been great Stanley Cup Finals in a perfect world. They are going to be beating the shit out of each other in the first round only to still go at it against two more opponents before they finally get a chance to meet what should be a relatively healthy Eastern opponent.

The Rage that Is...Kevin Bieksa

Everyday he misses Byfuglien...

After last weekend's raucous display between the Calgary Flames and Vancouver Canucks off the opening face-off, there were really only two questions; how badly did John Tortorella need a vacation from his once-powerful now mediocre Canucks and 2, what is up with Kevin Bieksa?

First, let me state that I enjoy Kevin Bieksa. He seems to be a funny guy. He jokes with the assembled sports reporters like a high school quarterback that acknowledges the local nerd squad. He looks to be the type of guy that makes funny comments after the waitress walks away and is constantly daring you to do something stupid and because it's Kevin Bieksa, you kind of want to do it.

Retro Post from June 11, 2013

There's probably no greater sadness that hits a writer right in the feelsies when something he/she wrote is gone forever into obscure recycling piles or crashed hard drives or poor memory keeping (Filmbin 1.2, anyone? Anyone?). 

I once lost an amazing fake Danny Boyle interview in the trenches of another website's submissions pile and have been pining for it ever since. Realizing that I have no idea what may happen in the world of Internet, I am on a small mission to reclaim all my posts that have been published on other sites. If you've already read these, thanks! If not, enjoy them for the first time!

-ogie

Original site; http://whatculture.com/sport/nhl-the-stanley-cup-and-then-there-were-two.php

Let’s face it, if you are reading this it’s because you have lost the feed on the football channel, you live in the top half of North America or at the very least have a fond appreciation for a game that draws the distinction between fighting and just roughing (roughing is when you keep your gloves on). But for you football fanatics that may have accidentally clicked here, I promise to throw in some football-related trivia later on.

If you are new to the sport of hockey, you could not have picked a better time to start watching the streaming live feeds out of Russia or the Canadian broadcasting company (CBC.ca). The best four games out of seven Stanley Cup Championship featuring the Chicago Blackhawks and the Boston Bruins begins June 12 and this series will make every other game you watch from now on pale in comparison, like having high speed internet compared to a 28.8 dial up modem.

After a hardly-grueling 1/2 season marred by the owners not letting the players start until after the Superbowl was over in a strategic (and lame) cost-cutting measure, a couple of unusual winning streaks and some high profile movement at the trade deadline the race to the Stanley Cup playoffs was it’s usual superficially hyped up event as sports reporters from around Toronto and Vancouver clamored to speculate which 16 of the 30 teams would make it into the playoffs to face their respective teams in the finals. Vancouver found it would take them only the minimum 4 games to stop that dream from happening and break out their golf clubs (as all hockey playoff games are best of sevens for maximum suspense and ticket sales).

This is not the place to bore you with the details of the failed March to the Cup by various teams but what the heck, you are here now anyways so here’s a couple of highlights from the two teams that are still going at it.

In the Eastern Conference there was drama; the Toronto Maple Leafs had the most epic collapse since Mali scored 4 goals in the final 11 minutes to tie Angola in the Africa Cup of Nations tournament in 2010 or Manchester or Liverpool scoring three goals in seven minutes to tie AC Milan in the Champions League Final in 2005 (you’re welcome, footballers).

Clawing their way back from a 3 games to 1 deficit, Toronto was poised to make their way in the second round with a commanding 3 goal lead with 10 minutes left to play in the decisive game 7.  Just over 30 minutes later, the Boston Bruins completed their comeback and sent the Maple Leafs packing and crying back to Canada. Here’s the raw drama of that final 30 minutes condensed nicely into a 3 minute video. It’s funny because it’s so sad…

Then there was the break-out of Old-time Canadian hockey featuring two Canadian hockey teams, the Montreal Canadiens and the Ottawa Senators. This is the type of hockey nobody wants to see which is why this face-breaking hit was replayed repeatedly until something better came along, which was these few minutes of pure awesomeness a couple games later.

In the Western Conference Chicago did it’s usual winning thing in it’s division. Yet they had their fair share of drama as well, giving the Detroit Red Wing faithful the finger as they clawed their way back from a similar 3 games to 1 disadvantage only to win the game 2x in the deciding game 7 after their first game winner with less than 2 minutes left was disallowed due to a public mugging going on of a Chicago player at the Detroit bench. They went on to score again in overtime, defeat last year’s champions the LA Kings and do it decisively in only 5 games.

Now, after three playoff rounds, the Bruins and the Blackhawks are the only two teams left skating. Both teams are equal in stature, beards and all-star goal-tending. Boston does have the giant Slovak Zdeno Chara on their team while Chicago has the seldom played semi-psychotic Dan Carcillo who could bite out Chara’s innards if need be.

If you have yet to see what all the fuss is about in North America and those northern European countries, now is the time to do it.

Fan Psychology and the NHL's Central Divsion (2 0f 4)

First, an odd thing happened this weekend. Somewhere, somehow this blog went a little bit viral. I went from my usual 20-30 views a day to approximately 2000 in one day. I feel something akin as to how Florida must have felt back in 1996, the Year of The Rat when they surprised everyone by not only making the playoffs, but also making it all the way to the Finals before anyone in Florida noticed that not only did they have an NHL team, they also only had to beat some team called the Colorado Avalanche to win some giant trophy that would make millions of Canadians extremely pissed off. Thankfully, that didn't happen.

My usual viewing audience before September 28th

I know 2000 people reading what i wrote isn't NHL worthy (maybe Tier 2 junior) but still it was a pleasant surprise to log into.

Sept 28th; can you feel the tension in the air?

Yet, with the views came the inevitable critiques. A lot were negative but in saying that, in comparison to views it was less than 1%. Which is fine, everyone has their own opinions and they are fine to never check out this blog again. Then this epiphany came along that really put in perspective and gave me a better appreciation of what it takes to be a pro athlete.

You Can't Listen to the Haters.

Frickin' simple. Pro athletes get hate in spades, from opposing players to their fans to their own local media (hello, Vancouver Province). They got to where they are through practice, taking the losses and trying again. If they quit every any time someone called them out for poor skating, play-making or improper use of the apostrophe, then there would be nobody to play hockey or write blogs about it.

Everybody is willing to tell you what you are doing wrong, even if you are not (case in point, I have 3 kids and my father, hearing me use the microwave this morning, told me that I shouldn't be using it to heat up the baby's milk because it kills the nutrients. Never mind that I wasn't heating up the baby's milk, he assumed I was doing something wrong and felt it his duty to inform me, despite having no evidence of any wrong-doing).

If you actually listen to those people, most of them anonymous commenters that offer no proof of their own abilities be it in hockey, writing, or basically anything they critique then you are going to have a hard time enjoying what you enjoy, especially when it comes to doing something you love. Hopefully hockey players love what they do, as a select few of them are paid huge amounts of money to continue doing it. This doesn't come from just being in the right spot at the right time; it comes from putting in a lot of personal time and effort, from continually practicing and practicing despite the willingness of some people to tell you that, despite all contrary evidence, you suck.

I write this blog because I like doing it. It's my 'me-time', my personal ice rink to speak where i can go out there and try new things. I'm not a professional writer, I have never been paid to write. Each blog takes roughly 3-5 hours in writing, linking, finding images, proof-reading. I don't mind it, as I said, it's enjoyable and if 20-30 other people enjoy it as well, great.

Much like playing professional hockey was once a dream of mine, so too is to get paid to write. I may have started too late in life but the enjoyment is still there. After all, I can still remember the last time a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup and I have Don Cherry's Rock'm Sock'm 1-10 on VHS, so yeah. I'm old. Claude Lemieux old. But when the enjoyment ends, I'll retire from writing. Until then, do what you love, no matter what the haters say.

And if you don't like my views on the new NHL then by all means, you are free to link me to your blog and I just might read your opinion, even if they don't agree with mine.

Okay, getting off my soapbox now and back into the Show.

The Winners and Losers of Draft Weekend in the NHL

Let's get the obvious out of the way; if you live in Canada and stayed home to comment or provide in-depth coverage of the NHL draft via twitter on the Canada Day long weekend instead of going camping or dredging out your basement if you live in Calgary you have bigger issues that need to be addressed.

Things are happening outside right now.

The only thing sadder than watching CTV News anchor report on whatever is going on with Justin Bieber would be a grown man who actually takes an active interest in the future employment opportunities of teenagers that have been groomed since birth to get paid way too much money to either shoot a puck or stop it. I defy any NHL prospect to actually admit that they dream of going right to one of the bottom feeders of the NHL, which is what makes the whole circus so funny. The top 50 players in the junior leagues are all but guaranteed huge contracts just by being picked by any of the 30 teams - and their signing bonus will most likely equal a year of your salary - but hey, that's hockey life - it doesn't mean we have to support it.

But, that being said...

Chicago wins Cup, 48 hours earlier than scheduled! Mass Panic at Blog desk!

I was thinking that this post was going to be a comparison of the Tortorella/Vigneault trade but my Chicago Blackhawks upset my schedule a little bit by winning the Stanley Cup 48 hours before I wanted them to. So in honor of their accomplishment and this, my 100th post on this blog (with still no job offers) here's a look at comparing some facts that the TSN sports reporters dug up.

The Turning Point - the consensus seems to be that it was when Coach Quenneville reunited Patrick Kane with Jonathon Toews and Brian Bickell on the top line says every pro hockey analyst ever.

Ogie says - uh, i'd say the Turning Point was when Brian Bickell tied it and then Dave Bolland scored that goal-ahead goal 17 seconds later. Instead of going back to Chicago for Game 7, The double B's changed that making all of Chicago's Black Aces race to get their gear on to prepare for the presentation about to happen in less than 2 minutes.

The Other NHL Awards

The Others Awards budget is pretty, pretty tight thanks to
GARY BETTMAN

It's that time of the year again, where we all get distracted by the confusing scheduling of the NHL Awards and Ceremonies right at the height of the Stanley Cup Finals. While most leagues prefer to wait until after the ceremonial booing of the commissioner, the NHL says 'Bullshit' to that idea and instead hosts a highly visual and star-struck affair (if one considers current and former hockey players stars) in the heart of the Stanley Cup Finals because that will probably be the last time anyone really cares about hockey until July 1st.

So while the NHL vets itself and it's players, placing a little extra weight on stupid reporter questions about what winning an award means to the two involved that are still competing for the biggest award in pro sports (Jonathon Toews and Patrice Bergeron), let's take a look at some other not-so-popular awards that will be handed out in the back alley behind a dumpster to homeless people on the morning of the Awards.


The Best Name in Hockey Award Goes To;  Johnny Oduya, Chicago Blackhawks. 

Runner Ups, Johnny Boychuk (Boston Bruins), Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)

His family, friends, coaches and teammates just call him '14'

With a name like 'Johnny' where else can you be still taken seriously but in hockey?

While Boychuk got points for being able to substitute boychuk woodchuck in the ancient tongue twister:
 'how much boys could a boy chuck chuck if a boy chuck could chuck boys?'
Oduya's last name is so phonetically great as it's own comeback that it takes my pick for name of the year.
'I think I will just go around this Chicago defenseman here who isn't Keith or Seabrook.'
'Oduya.'
'Oh, I do all right. Just watch me.'

Honorable Mention to Brooks Orpik, named after legendary USA coach Herb Brooks, which sadly shows that here was a boy who had no choice in life but to play hockey to please his hockey-loving father.

Boston Bruins Vs The 2013 Stanley Cup Champions

And then there were 2...

Fuck me. Of all the teams that may make my Stanley Cup prediction fail, it would be the Boston Bruins. I never really considered them to make it this far at the start. No real reason, maybe just fell onto that Pittsburgh Penguin train of thought or didn't bother considering them because well...Blackhawks.

Toews didn't realize the taxi driver was a Bruins fan.

However, this could very well be one of the most even match-ups in recent history. Now some of you may disagree with me which is fine because I can't hear you.  But the Vancouver/Boston series was a contest between high-class and low-classs; of east coast and west coast, Starbucks vs Dunkin' Donuts, finger biting vs. face punching.
It was ironic that the most effective Canucks (in my opinion) were closest to the Bruins in mentality; Raffi Torres and Aaron Rome who's names are now both synonymous with 'instant concussion and suspension'.

I'm not saying it's coincidence (it's Mike Gillis) but neither of those two are playing for the Canucks anymore and the Canucks are fading fast from Stanley Cup contention. Gillis is saying that window is closing despite still having 2 starting goalies and their all-star Sedins. A Canuck fan only has to look at the Bruins, who have kept their roster pretty much intact and lost only their all-star goalie to start breaking out the Crying Towel and just sit back and prepare for the inevitable 'rebuilding' talk.

But that's for another day. Let's get to figuring out just how close this Stanley Cup will be. Here is Ogie's nuanced breakdown of the Chicago Blackhawks and Boston Bruins, two of the original six teams but I doubt that fact will be mentioned less than 50x leading up to the puck drop on Wednesday and 10x a game after that before commercial breaks.

Rehashing/Updating Playoff Reviews;

It's come down to this, the Final Four. Coincidentally, they are also the last 4 Stanley Cup champions so you know that most of these guys know what it takes to win the Cup. More importantly, that guy behind the bench with the continual axe over his head knows what it takes to win and they will do everything possible in the name of job security to keep their general managers and owners happy.

While it is often said talent wins championships, you only have to look at those players that have never won a Cup to know that is not true. It takes teamwork, talent and a hard-working coach that tries to maximize every little advantage in the name of winning (Alain Vigneault famously rarely had the Sedins take a face-off in the defensive zone). It is safe to say that if it weren't for the work of these four men and their assistants that we wouldn't be pretty psyched up for these two conference finals.


The Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Joel Quenneville. 

Jesus. This looks to be the face of a guy who is going off to kill babies or something during Roman times. This is also the face of a coach who's team got a point in 24 straight games to start the season so he's doing something right.

I wouldn't want to piss him off and i think that's probably the Hawks biggest fear and why they win.

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

#5 Los Angeles Kings

Analyzing The Team - Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels, but the LA Angels sounded too girly so they were named the much more masculine Kings. The Kings were one of the 'Next 6' teams that entered the league in the late 60's to great fan fare and decades of losing (see Vancouver Canucks early years). They have had many great moments in team history but nobody knows it because they barely crack the top 100 of things to do in LA, just above 'snort cocaine off Gary Busey's driveway'. Last year they apparently won the Stanley Cup, the first 8th seeded team to do so in North American sports, showing that really, final standing means nothing in the NHL, thanks to GARY BETTMAN.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Daryl Sutter

And here's his polar opposite. This guy looks to have the patience of a turtle (and yes, he kind of looks like one too). He's a guy that will patiently wait for the zamboni guy to scrape the ice away from zamboni doors before going on the rink. He's also a guy who has led a team of cast-offs to Stanley Cup glory, becoming the first team to beat the 1st and 2nd place teams to do that. 

I'd say his players win not because they fear him, but they just want him to be proud of them. 

Nobody really cared for the new guy, 'Mike Messier'.

Analyzing the Team Name - A King is 2nd only to God in terms of power rankings, although throughout history Popes have disputed this fact. LA is also habited by many queens, a couple of princes and Mathew Perry. King head coach Darryl Sutter was praised for his ability to spark a mediocre team to Stanley Cup glory and to raise sporadic power forward Dustin Penner from the dead and make him a 2 time Stanley Cup champion, which causes Hall of Famers Cam Neely, Jarome Iginla, Eric Lindros and Wendel Clark to weep silently into their pillows at night.

In terms of Anger Management Issues, Blackhawks take this series in 6 games.

The Eastern Conference

#4 Boston Bruins

Analyzing the team - Have an emotional end of the season, having to postpone 2 games to extenuating circumstances and Tim Thomas's facebook statuses.  They are run by the Dark Lord himself, Jeremy Jacobs who is rumored to deduct the cost of a puck going out of play off of the offending player's salary.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Claude Julien

Although he looks a bit mad here, he also looks as if he could easily be your drunken Uncle Burt at the latest family gathering or at the very least, the overly passionate fan beside you at a football game. You feel that his game plan consists of simple speeches like 'Go get'm!'.

His players win because he's the type of coach that proves to be hilarious once he's drunk.

To be fair, that is a duck he's beating on

Analyzing the team name - Bruins are a Eurasian name for a species of bear, which was once plentiful in Europe but have been all but made extinct by the voracious appetite of giant Zdeno Chara who insists on eating one every morning on game day. Still, a bruin would be considered a formidable opponent, even if Chara hadn't already eaten it.

More FOOODDD

vs

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Dan Blysma

First, this is the most unflattering picture i could find of Dan. He's just a super photogenic dude who i like to imagine that I was supposed to turn out like once i hit my fort-thirties. He looks more like your more successful older brother and the reason why his team wins is because they just want to impress him so he will buy them booze.
And oh yeah, he has a guy named Sidney Crosby on his team which helps immensely (see Glen Sather coaching record before and after Gretzky).

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

In the wild, when a Bruin meets a Penquin, carnage ensues. Same here. Bruins in 5.

Fan Reactions to various Recent events via Goat.

How I will feel if Detroit beats Chicago;




How that logical Vancouver hockey fan feels about Alain Vigneault's firing;





How most every Canadian male felt when they heard Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole were leaving TSN to go work for Fox Sports in the US;

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Final Eight

Western Conference First Round Recap

Biggest Surprise; The Chicago Blackhawks allowed the Minnesota Wild to actually beat them once on the way to their 5 game victory. Showing what $200 million in off-season acquisitions can get you, besides a league-wide lockout, the Wild put on a daring display of ferocity and puck-moving while in practice scrimmages but were unable to translate that at game time, which to be fair at times would be best to visualize as flock of starlings going up against an Apache helicopter.

Biggest letdown; The Vancouver Canucks who apparently were in the finals 2 years ago but looked like it would have trouble beating the Edmonton Oilers' mothers in a pick-up game. Lacking any sense of passion, scoring or a true #1 goaltender, the Vancouver Canucks rode the apathy train to Sweeptown in losing 4 straight to San Torres Sharks with the only fight from the Canucks appearing in who could get to the team bus quickest in what should have been a much closer series than it was. However, for fans of the Canucks, they have lots to look forward to in the upcoming months as they continually read about potential trade rumors involving Roberto Luongo and discuss in fan forums how the referees, the league and Raffi Torres were out to get them.

The 2nd Round Match ups;

Chicago vs. Detroit 

                         vs         

On one side you have the Blackhawks, an unstoppable hockey force that plays with it's opponents the way Mike Tyson played with that guy's face in The Hangover. On the other side you have the other Original Six team, the Detroit Red Wings, who have absolutely nothing going for them other than their decades long tradition of being in the playoffs, their incredible depth of European talent and a guy named Jimmy Howard in net who at times has looked somewhat mortal.

Chicago in six because it's Detroit and every sports show loves showing a clip of someone picking up an octopus off the ice. 

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Western Conference (aka Home of the 2013 Stanley Cup Champions)

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

VS

#8 Minnesota Wild

Analyzing The Team - Minnesota made big news last summer when their management precipitated the lock out by signing 2 highly coveted free agents to multi-million dollar decade long contracts despite their proven ability in never winning a Stanley Cup. The wealth of experience that Zach Parise and Ryan Suter brought in not winning when it counts in the Stanley Cup playoffs will be a boon to the Wild as they bow out in four straight games.

This is either Parise or Suter. Hard to tell

Analyzing the Team Name -  The Wild team name, much like their crest is difficult to figure out. It is one of only 4 other North American professional sports teams (so, excluding soccer) that can't be pluralized (no, i won't tell you the others).  The crest sort of looks like a tripped out mountain lion from afar but on closer inspection is more of forest at night motif. Minnesota has lots of lakes that are frozen over much of the year and is known solely for it's most (and only) famous native Minnesotan, Prince.

I guess the Minnesota 'White-Outs' came in second.

Playoff Prediction; hahahahaha ha haha (gasp,gasp) hahahahahaha

Basebrawl! sadly enough...they can't even brawl right.

Baseball has a perception of being more boring than competitive fishing. Yet on occasion something potentially exciting happens and all hell breaks loose but yet...it doesn't. Here's a classic example from Thursday's game between the Padres and Dodgers. I've included a play by play of the events to watch for. I seriously cannot understand how baseball is considered more exciting than hockey. 

First, I really appreciate how the tone of the announcer doesn't change once 18 (Quentin) semi-stalks then charges the pitcher #21 (Grienke). "now. he. has. something. to. say. and. look. out. here." Sounds like a robot calling this game but the emotion in his voice, my god, man how could i not nearly stop to take another drink of my beer. It sounds like I'm watching a high-intensity crib game.

At .19 the announcer then goes on to explain why #18 charges the mound by saying;

"Quentin continues to amaze as he consistently gets hits by pitches."  Really? That's amazing? I nearly put wart burner in my eye yesterday but nobody would consider that amazing. Real Americans would have taken out a gun and shot that white guy and a few innocent bystanders for less.

then he goes on to say that

Bizarro NHL Notes

Random Notes on Another Week in the NHL 

BOBROVSKY!

BOBROVSKY! - Columbus's goaltender posted another shut out on Tuesday night, a 4-0 blanking of the San Jose Sharks.  This makes BOBROVSKY!s fourth shut-out, which ties him for the Columbus Blue Jackets shut out record, sharing it with all the other franchise goaltenders combined since their inclusion into the league in the year 2000, when nobody thought we would live past Y2K anyways.

Nobody was more relieved that James Reimer when
the two finally embraced and admitted their true feelings
to each other. Meanwhile, play continued.

As of today, April 10th, with less than 10 games remaining for most teams, the New York Islanders and Toronto Maple Leafs both are currently in the playoffs, which is causing Toronto sports shows call-in phone lines to go berserk in trying to have someone get Gary Bettman to have the playoffs start on Friday.

Ray Emery at work.

Ray Emery is currently 15-1 with 3 shut outs, which makes him only the 2nd best goaltender on the Chicago Black Hawks.

Alex Ovechkin has returned to form, which is scoring goals and is currently tied for the league lead with other Southeast division hotshot, Stephen Stamkos of Tampa Bay. Apparently it just took this long to get rid of Dale Hunter's influence on OV and for Coach Adam Oates (of Hull & Oates fame) to put him on the opposite wing, which is apparently causing havoc for goaltenders used to him shooting from only one side of the ice.

this photo captures the very last second John Tavares won anything
meaningful and his life was full of optimism. 

Speaking of goal scorers, the guy in 3rd place plays for another low expectations team called the New York Islanders (John Tavares). The highest goal scorer in the west comes from the LA Kings (Jeff Carter) and 7 of the top 10 are from the eastern conference with 2 Chicagoites, Toews and Kane filling it up for the west, which really tells us nothing about what it takes to be an elite goal scorer nowadays.

This has nothing to do with hockey.
It is a picture of the Canadian Prime Minister's cat, which i happen to think is
pretty awesome that it has more fans than me. 

And back to Hockey

How quick we forget...

Yes, i know different times and all that but when i heard about this 'amazing' goal by St. Louis Blues rookie Victor Tarantino (somethin' like that) with a certain Vancouver sportscaster already calling it in contention for the move of the year and who, according to said sportscaster, deked a Detroit player so badly on his second goal the Red Wing wound up sitting in the front row nursing his broken ego and a bucket of popcorn watching this young star.  Trying to jump-start my enthusiasm for the Return of the Ice Age 3, I had to witness this amazing gift to goal highlights myself.

And this is what i saw;

Yeah, okay...not exactly the second coming of Fabian Brunnstromm but I seriously don't think those goals were that amazing.  Maybe it was because it was opening night of a long delayed season, maybe because it was the Lidstrom-less Detroit Red Wings getting spanked or maybe just because something doesn't sound right when you have an adjective like 'amazing' describing anyone on the St. Louis Blues.


Or maybe because this is something like what i expected (ignore JR for the moment);

I remember seeing this game and in particular this goal.  It was incredible.  And amazing.  This was the loathed Edmonton Oilers in their fading prime but still a contender.  Chicago was in the midst of that whole 40 years without a cup thing.  I watched because i think Denis Savard was the second cousin to my cousin, whatever that means.  Well, when you are a teenager playing hockey, that practically meant Savard was family.  Yet, even so I did not expect to see anything like this goal.

So to compare;
the St. Louis Blue new kid on the block deked out Kyle "not-lidstrom" Quincey and then got the puck past Jimmy Howard twice, once on a breakaway where his 'nice move' consisted of kicking up his leg.

Denis Savard deked out Glenn Anderson, Mark Messier, Esa Tikkanen, Kevin Lowe and then Grant Fuhr.  At this time those four guys had over a dozen Stanley Cup rings between them while Savard had none.

There was a fifth Oiler on the ice somewhere eating popcorn but wisely decided to avoid being detected by Savard who would have made a special detour just to embarrass that guy as well.  I think it's #19 (Dave Hunter?).
And oh yeah, Savard did this short-handed.

Now that's a goal to remember.