From the Canucks Dumpster Diving Team...

FROM THE DESK OF
VANCOUVER CANUCKS GENERAL MANAGER
MIKE GILLIS
JIM BENNING

TO DO;

Build Team Morale by 'wear your old jersey to work day' promotion.

Find old jersey    never mind. I was a lot smaller then. 

Get rid of current drafting system.

Find out if there is a current drafting system.

Hide my 2011 Stanley Cup ring in a safe place.

Ask custodial staff to remove the TSN bugs from Trevor's office.  

Ask them to remove Mike's motivational mirrors from my office.

Call Buffalo re; Cody. No takebacksies?

Find out who this Eddie Lack kid is. he's the goalie!! What happened there?

Inquire as to Jonas Gustavson (sp)? Free Agent?

Find out what NTC means besides all these players names.

Try not to mention Vigneault, Roberto, Cory, or Torts.

Buy a lot of umbrellas. Prob some gum boots as well.

Find new coach

what about a former player/coach (next Pat Roy)? 

Av?  still busy. 
Stan? 'not a fucking chance' so ... no.

Marcus? - not accepting calls ... probably a no.

Harold? - still have moustache? Unable to understand on phone.... would make for good press conferences. Will follow up.

Barry Trotz - still available? May be hard to see in dressing room

Kirk Muller - Pro; past Captain. Cup Winner. Can relate to Trev re; being traded.
Con; coached the Hurricanes. Not used to high scoring teams.
Adam Oates - Pro; has some experience dealing with superstars, likes to score. Not given good chance in Wash. Con; has some experience dealing with superstars.  
Peter Laviolette - Pro; been to Cup Finals Con; with Pronger-led Philadelphia team. Weird hair. 

Mike Keenan - be a good joke on Trevor. 

Messier - probably too far. 

Tom Renney - apparently been here already

Wayne? 3rd time's the charm!?

The Vancouver Canucks Off-Season Analysis

Shhh...everything is so quiet nowadays on the hockey front that it feels like a Florida Panther pre-season game.

Zing! Not even 12 hours old, a topical reference!

It almost seems a shame to rock me out of my summer siesta and start thinking about my hockey pools again. It almost shames me to think that while I was doing normal every day summer things (like becoming a new dad again) some young kids (and a lot of old ones) were busting their asses at the gym (aka dryland training) keeping in shape for the training camp microscope that has begun in a somewhat small chance of living their dream of playing in the NHL. I had that dream too, kids and look at me now!

So let's take start my season of Dad-related hockey thoughts and look at what the Canucks/Mike Gillis has done during the off-season, starting with Draft Day's biggest surprise;

Seth Green's new rush mock-up of Cory Schneider
figurine for a Robot Chicken sketch

Cory Schneider is dealt, Luongo wins/loses.

Cory Schneider is traded to New Jersey; so the year-long plague that was the goaltending controversy is over in Vancouver. Unless for some reason Luongo goes public a la Patrick Roy and demands out. I don't see that happening.
I think Gillis did well on this one; Luongo always was the Canucks #1 starter and will continue to be. Schneider was great in a back up role, average in the playoffs and he was playing with a stellar team in front of him. He will not be the next coming of Marty Brodeur in New Jersey, but he will be capable.

Team owner Francis Aquavelva-something went down to Florida to meet with Luongo personally, followed by Mike Gillis. He then came back and filed for divorce in which he wants his financial assets sealed as 'protection for his children'.

Dialing it in; AV's firing...

Well, the Vancouver Canucks made what I like to refer to as another 'Messier' by firing all-time winningest coach in Canuck history, Alain Vani- Vaingne- AV a couple weeks after a 4 game sweep by the San Jose Sharks, 2 years after their near-Cup glory run in 2011.

'I heard there's a coaching position available?' 

Of course, being hockey nuts, we all know that. Some say that AV had to go, some say that he was thrown under the zamboni by a desperate GM, Mike Gillis.

Simple fact is that Vancouver (unofficial motto; keeping expectations unrealistically high since 1982) pressured Mike Gillis into this firing. Vancouver fans are a fickle bunch and most fail to realize that they should be grateful that they at least got to see a cup run during their generation. There are a lot of fans out there that haven't including Toronto, Montreal, both New York teams, San Jose, Nashville, St. Louis... the list goes on but let's face it, reaching the finals once every 15 years is a pretty good average compared to the bottom half of the league. Even Scotty Bowman didn't make it to the Stanley Cup every year he had a team and he won exactly only one more Jack Adams trophy for best NHL coach than AV has.  Go figure...

Vancouver is known as a goalie graveyard. It took only one year for Luongo to fall from grace to be replaced by someone who has around 5 playoff games under his pads. Thankfully, Luongo is still a celebrity on twitter and has shown himself to be one of the most amicable (and richest) back up goalies in history...so good for him.

Maybe it would be easier to just buy a new car
everytime I'm low on gas...

Maybe AV will take to twitter as well in the few weeks he's unemployed for he has officially become the most sought after coach in the league as of 1 minute after he was fired. For the record, it's almost better for a Canuck coach to not nearly win the cup than it is to just keep the team above 500.  It's the difference between being Marc Crawford and being Alain Vaingneault, however you spell it.

Roger Nielson, who led the team to the 82 finals, was released in less than 2 seasons after near glory. Pat Quinn, another Jack Adams Coach of the Year winner, like AV left the coaching to Rick Ley right after their near glory run in 1994.  Both of their successors lasted less than a few years before they were given walking papers.

The last 2 Canuck coaches, Marc Crawford and AV have led the team to more points in the last 13 years than the previous 9 coaches had in the 20 years before them, including Pat Quinn and Mike Keenan's records.

So, if present history holds true and if Patrick Roy can come back as the Colorado Avalanche head coach, then look to the Canucks to win fan favour by perhaps finally giving the reins to someone who will run the team into Avalanche type territory in the next couple of years before hiring either or both of the all-time greatest Canucks, Trevor Linden or Stan 'Steamer' Smyl.

Something in this picture isn't quite right...

Holy shit...would that be awesome.  

"What's God?"

Hi baby,

Well, that's a great question.  Really, it is.  It's nice to see you are already taking an interest in such a complicated subject as meta-spiritual deities at only three years old.  Remind me to talk to your Grandpa about age-appropriate discussions.  But let's talks about this after we brush your teeth and after you go put some pajamas on.  I know you don't want to, but we have to keep our pajamas on. Then if we have enough time we can watch some Sports Desk before bedtime.
What? Oh, right. What's God. You sure you just don't want to watch Sports Desk?  You are only three so I don't know if this is really the time to get into this. You sure? Well...ok, I'll try.

The Pope Loved a Good Backhand

God is like bedtime. Everybody has one, right?  But not everybody has the same bedtime, just like not everybody has the same god. It's just not everybody has the same bedtime. Oh. I said that already? It's a complicated subject. Well, God is like bedtime. We all need bedtimes, but we don't all have the same bedtime. It's good to have bedtimes because we know where we should be at certain times, which is sort of like the same thing with God.  God helps you know where we should be on certain issues, like death and instant replays. Bedtime isn't something you can put in your pocket or draw or anything which is just like God, because nobody has really seen God because God is more of a concept, like delayed offsides, icing or a winning Toronto Maple Leaf team. Yeah, it's a concept.  A concept means that it's insubstantial but helps explain things that you can't physically see, like math and Pierre MacGuire.

you had to go there, didn't you, God?

Okay, well you can't see God just like you can't see bedtime but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  But bedtime, well, that's real, like a good punch in the face. God, well, let's say needs to punch someone in the face. In fact, even when you pray to God to punch someone in the face, just once, it doesn't happen. Instead, you are the one getting punched. And not in the face, in the friggin' ball sack.


Where was I?  Oh yeah, everybody has a bedtime, just like you. Even hockey players.  

God 1- Atheists 0

Is there a God? Well, some people believe there is, which is why their team wins the Stanley Cup and Vancouver Canuck fans riot. No, no honey, I haven't believed in God since 1982. Stan Smyl deserved a Stanley Cup. But sometimes, sometimes i want to believe. Like when Bure delivered that elbow in 94.  For a moment, i believed there was a God and He was a Canuck fan. What's a Canuck fan? Oh, they are like your early bedtimes. You hear about them all the time, but in reality, you don't see them very much. Only when things are going good and Daddy thinks he might score.


No, Daddy hasn't scored in awhile. Yes, it might have something to do with my bedtime. You see, Sportsdesk comes on pretty late sometimes and that's after Mommy's bedtime.  Does Mommy believe in God? You know what, that is something you can ask her tomorrow.  Time for bed, sweetie.  Love you.  

The Vancouver Canucks European All-Star Team

All-Star lists are awesome.  They are so debatable, just justify your picks with a few choice facts, ignore the rest and let the insults start pouring in.  Especially if it's about someone else's favorite team.  The greatest thing about creating your own list is that it gives you the opportunity to say 'yeah? Well, where's your list smart-guy?' and then lean back in smug satisfaction for if nothing else, you had the ability and drive to actually write a list out that wasn't on a beer coaster.

For those who know Canuck fans, they probably will agree that most haven't even read this far; they just jumped to the selections and are preparing their own observations for the comments section which is fine, that's what it is there for.  For those of you who have read this far, congratulations - you will now find out why the Sedins aren't on the team; for the simple fact is that they are still playing.  So #1 rule of the list - all Canucks selected must be retired as of this writing.  Yes, the Sedins will be on a lot of greatest Canucks list in the future but let's not get ahead of ourselves, yes?

So, in no particular order here are my picks for the Vancouver Canuck All-Star European Team;

      Left Wing Markus Naslund 

Todd...todd...todd

 Markus, better known as 'the best 1 for 1 Canuck Trade in History', is the leading Canuck scorer as of right now.  A native of most likely Sweden, he is also probably a relative of the infamous yet really tiny Mats Naslund but maybe not; a lot of people are named Naslund in Sweden.  He also played with the Canucks for 12 years, which I did not know. This was because of Mark Messier. And I was high a lot. 

Seriously...F^^# That Guy

Mark doing what he does best.

Mark Messier, the man who crushed many a Canuck fans dreams has once again placed his boot on the face of the Canuck franchise, this time to the tune of $6 million.  A New York (go figure) arbitrator awarded the sum to Messier after he brought a lawsuit against the Canucks for...if i understand this right...not paying him a percentage of the value the Canuck franchise increased from the time Messier joined the Canucks in 1997 to the time he finished demolishing it in 2000.   

Say what you will, but this man knows how to write a contract.  I heard that when he signed with the Rangers the first time, there was a clause that he had to be in the top 3 highest earning players.  That means he admitted that he did not deserve more than Gretzky or Lemieux but basically, he was more valuable than anyone else.  So when Jaromir Jagr received a pay raise, making him 3rd highest paid in the league, Messier's contract automatically called for a raise to leapfrog him back into 3rd. 

And i think he was his own agent too.  Talk about the balls on this guy.  So when his contract expired with the NYR and the beginning of the new era of NHL 'super' stars; Bure, Lindros, Mogilny, Jagr emerged, he felt slighted that the Rangers would not again resign him to be the 3rd highest paid player in the league and so for some deep-seated hatred, decided to offer his services to whichever team would allow him to destroy Trevor Linden the most.  That team? The Vancouver Canucks. 

The Day The Music Died

Not content on just winning the 94 Stanley Cup, he decided to basically
take over the whole team identity in his quest to destroy Linden forever.

There have been many embarrassing moments for the True Canuck Faithful (if you were born after 1990 you're not one of them).  Heck, all you have to do is watch any Gretzky milestone video and there's a group of Canuck pylons sharing the ice for eternity with the Great One.

Even Mario Lemieux picked Gary Lupul to be his first of what was to be less-than-stellar career in beating up small people.

But there has been no greater embarrassing moment for the True Canuck Faithful than this catastrophe that happened in the summer of 1998: Mark Messier standing victorious over the Vancouver media, basking in his crushing defeat of the Canuck logo/brand.  He may as well have arrived via fighter jet and had a 'mission accomplished' sign behind him.

It still hurts...

In a move akin to making Godzilla mayor of Tokyo, it was Orca Bay's first headlining move after seizing control of the franchise from Arthur Griffiths Jr.  Probably because 1994 was the last time owner John McCaw was sober and he had just taken his head out of his giant pile of money to find he now owned an NHL team.  A Canadian based team at that that had forged a bit of an identity through years of dedication by Stan Smyl and Trevor Linden.  Therefore he had to crush it.  I don't know why.  Maybe because he liked to crush people's dreams.  

At least this one fought injustice.

So, being an American, he hired other American advisors to create a team that America would like because, you know, America.  New logo, new coach, new captain.  It was the worst betrayal since Pope Clement V handed over the Knights Templar to the King Philip.  


And the rest has never been the same.