Great Hockey Riots #7

Great Hockey Riots #7  Vancouver Canucks lose in 7 games to Boston Bruins 2010

If the Montreal Canadiens are the New York Yankees of baseball, the Vancouver Canucks are the Buffalo Bills of the NFL.  They've been to the finals 3x in their history and have come away empty-handed each time.  Unless you are a fan and then you most likely will come away with something that you grabbed quickly out of a broken store window while running from tear gas and the riot police. 

In 2010, fresh off the high of a successful Winter Olympics Vancouver decided to follow the same format by making every game day of the final a 'party in the city'.  Streets were cordoned off, huge large screen televisions were placed up high and people poured into the city on free public transit to watch the games while drinking smuggled liquor out of thermoses and brown paper bags.  What could go wrong?

I sense a MAXIM article in here somewhere...

Well, as city officials found out in 2010, lots.  Cars parked too close to the rink where the Boston Bruins were being presented the cup were first vandalized then burned.  Riot police were called in and in a questionable decision pushed the crowds away from the rink into the downtown core where the real rioting began.  Cars were torched, people beat up, tear gas deployed.  Hundreds of dollars of damage.  Stores vandalized and robbed.   And just to show you how cool Canadian men can be this picture of a dude making out with an Australian girl became world famous.  

It was largely agreed by everybody that this was a great riot; the cops were able to use all their toys, politicians were able to condemn the actions of these 'non-hockey' fans and vigilante justice evolved into a very public Facebook outing of certain rioters, many who have yet to have officially to stand trial in 'real' court.  Yep, everyone had fun, except for this guy, who took a firecracker to the balls.

And just to put this riot in perspective, here is how the Boston Bruins Andrew Ference and bunch of Bruins fans celebrated their Stanley Cup win; 

And a million Canadian hockey fans died all over again that day...

Great Hockey Riots #8

#8 - Montreal Riots of 2010 vs Pittsburgh 2nd round

Ahhh, Montreal.  Did you not learn anything from 2008?  To riot after winning an emotional seven game first round win over a historical rival is one thing but then to repeat it again a mere two years later?  Over opponents that you have no historical rivalry with?  

That was the case in 2010 when herds of Habitants(?) celebrated their long awaited (two years) run to the Stanley Cup by rioting again.  This time, they made it past the second round AND they still didn't make it to the Finals.  It's almost as if Montreal has forgotten what the point of rioting is; to celebrate a massive achievement (or failure; see Great Hockey Riots/Vancouver) not to celebrate basically making it halfway to the goal line. It's like celebrating Christmas in June.  Sure, the motions can be the same, but everyone knows it's not the real thing.



Final Score; 41 arrested; a province once again embarrassed.  Montreal goes on to lose decisively to Philadelphia 4 games to 1 in the Eastern Finals and thereby ends a nine decade record of winning the cup at least once every 10 years, which is a lame fact i know but I will put it out there.  Also there's this;

Great Hockey Riots #9

Edmonton Riot of 2006 - the Oilers defeat the Anaheim Ducks in conference final

Unlike #10, the Oilers actually made it out of the first round before things got a bit premature. The riot happened after they won the right to play in the Finals on behalf of the Western Conference, a fact nobody thought would ever happen again until someone invented time travel and went back to the mid-eighties.

In the eighties the Oilers were the class of the league.  Fast, talented and tough they ushered in a new style of play that focused on goal scoring, cheap shots (led by Mark Messier) and getting the puck to Wayne Gretzky.  They played a score now, worry about defense later style of play that made for the most exciting hockey since the movie Slapshot.  

Then The Trade happened.  Oilers owner Peter Pocklington needed money and sold the Oilers and the NHL's biggest asset in Wayne Gretzky to the LA Kings.  Except for one last hurrah towards respectability in 1990, the Oilers quickly sank down to their current level on the cusp of being either an average farm league team or an elite beer league team.
It stayed that way until 2006, the year after the NHL's 2nd work stoppage.  The first year of the owner imposed salary cap system meant that the perpetually poor Oilers were able to acquire the skills of MVP defenceman Chris Pronger and the heart of Mike Peca who at one time was destined to replace Stan Smyl in the Canuck organization, in ogie's perfect world before the Canuck organization messed that up, as per club policy.

Despite the acquisition of some top-rated talent and the continued use of some mid to low rated talent, the Oilers squeaked into the playoffs as the eighth seed in the Western Conference.  From there they would go on to surprise everybody in the hockey universe by beating the league leading Detroit Red Wings, then go on to beat the San Jose Sharks and Anaheim Ducks to meet the Carolina Hurricanes, who surprised everybody because they had no idea a team existed in Carolina.

So, figuring that the Stanley Cup was all but theirs again, they streamed out of the pubs and clubs to party like it was 1985 again.  Some Oiler faithful took advantage of the riot and decided to take matters into their own hands and settle a debt they had with a phone booth on Whyte Avenue:

i have no idea what this phone booth did to deserve such hatred.

Speaking on behalf of the Edmonton tourism board; 

"It's madness, it's just madness," said Steve Parent, 19, on Whyte Avenue. "This is how real Edmontonians party."

As riots go, it was a pretty friendly one; only two people were stabbed, a dozen arrests were made out of an estimated 50,000 people.
The Oilers did manage to win 15 out of 16 games and helped Canada forget all about their hatred towards the NHL owners for the loss of the 2005 season but as riots go, unless you were using a pay phone that night, it was a pretty mild affair.

Great Hockey Riots #10

#10- Montreal Riot of 2008 beat Boston Bruins/ 1st round

Montreal, the most exotic city in all of North America.  The heart of Quebec province in Canada, it's poutine-bloated inhabitants love two things; hating English people and their hockey team, the Montreal Canadiens.  The Canadiens were once to hockey what the New York Yankees continue to be to baseball; storied champions of their respective leagues.
At one time, Montreal and the Yankees were neck and neck regarding championships;  The Yankees continue to dominate, now having won 27 World Series championships and continue to be a year in, year out dominant force in major league baseball while Montreal continues to be just barely in Canada.  The last time the Canadiens won their 24th Stanley Cup, Bill Clinton was President, Windows 3 was introduced and Jurassic Park was the last time anyone paid to see Jeff Goldblum be Jeff Goldblum.  

"This is the pre-riot riot.  The real riot starts in an hour."

Now, the best way to summarize the NHL playoffs, which basically is an entire 2nd season is this; after a grueling 82 game schedule half the teams make the playoffs.  A team, once qualifying for the playoffs, needs to win 16 games against 4 opponents in series lasting seven games.  The least amount of games a team would play is 16, the most 28.  It's a long pro-acted affair that manages to hold all of Canada's (and whichever American teams that don't get eliminated attention).  It's like the American election only it doesn't happen every four years - it happens every year (in theory).      

Yet in 2008, there was a glimmer of hope besides Obama.  The Canadians had finally returned to the Big Dance, and their first opponent was their historical arch nemesis, the Boston Bruins.

The Canadiens won the series (4 games to 3) and to the Montreal riot faithful, it was as good as a championship.  And what better way for nostalgic Montreal fans to celebrate not only their long history of championship hockey and rioting by having a riot?

Sixteen police cars were destroyed, nearly equal that to the Bandit's total in Smokey and the Bandit.  Over five hundred thousand dollars in damage was done.  And do you know how many were arrested?  Sixteen!  And it takes sixteen games to win the cup!  Yet, despite the police car for each playoff win theory sounded promising, the rioters could have stopped at five, as despite all this hockey enthusiasm, the Canadiens Stanley Cup hopes were crushed as they were soundly defeated by the Philadelphia Flyers four games to one.


http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/story/2008/04/22/mtl-habs.html

Worst Canuck Subjects to Bring Up Drunk.

You have to admit, there is nothing more fun sitting in a pub with a few of your most devoted Canuck brethren and sticking it to them regarding their choice of lame-ass teams to follow.  There is something about watching the spittle form on their lips as they defend their great Canucks that reminds you "Yet somehow this is all really funny."

you can also make fun of anyone
weighing less than a bag of pucks.

Of course, the key to bashing the Canucks in a alcoholic setting is to make sure that you know the people you are drinking with.  Beware the guy who is wearing a Canuck hat; their obvious show of loyalty makes for a bad sense of humour.  Of course, this doesn't apply if he is wearing some type of clothing that in some respect mentions Roberto Luongo.

Another person to beware of is the person who is wearing a "vintage" V jersey.  They will most likely be unable to pay for their drink.  If they are sporting a major bald spot and long moustache, it could also be Harold Snepsts and he can still kick your ass.  An easy way to tell is to approach them and ask if they are Harold Snepsts and buy him a drink if so.  DO NOT mention Mike Bossy or Game 1 of the 1982 finals.

The third person, who is complete fair game is the guy who proclaims his love for the Canucks but doesn't show any outward proof.  The easiest way to get a rise out of him is to tell him that he is obviously ashamed of the Canucks or else he would be wearing some type of swag that has set him back at the mininum $25.  He will be too old to play the game but still young enough to remember how real hockey used to be played.  He has an opinion about everything and believes that there is a vast Canuck conspiracy to keep Vancouver from ever winning a cup.  He probably has a name like 'Tyler' or 'Rob'.  During the playoffs, he grows a sub-par playoff beard that somehow succeeds in making him look less manly.  And when he starts talking hockey, he is seeing the world through blue/green/white tinted glasses.  He is a Canucklehead and 'sorta' proud of it.  

The top 10 debates to have with a Canucklehead;

1) Ugliest uniform.  This is to just get things warmed up and reminds the Canucklehead that no matter how heated the arguements forthcoming will be, you can always remind him that in the end, the Montreal Canadiens have never changed their team colours and have won the Stanley Cup 23 times (that legend, although hard to believe, is true) wearing basically the same jersey.  Talk about that 'salmon-colored' third jersey, or just what other franchise puts their owner's emblem on the front (orca)?

2) Petr Nedved.  This may be limited to the age of the Canucklehead who may have never heard of Petr Nedved.  If so, just tell him that Petr Nedved was considered the greatest player ever to be drafted before coming to the Canucks, at which time the franchise proceeded to suck all talent out of him.  This can be expanded to nearly every draft pick ever made by the Canucks, with only Trevor Linden and the Sedin twins proving the exception.  If they mention Linden, rebuttal with 'but they traded him, didn't they?' which will lead into the 3rd debate.