The Other NHL Awards

The Others Awards budget is pretty, pretty tight thanks to
GARY BETTMAN

It's that time of the year again, where we all get distracted by the confusing scheduling of the NHL Awards and Ceremonies right at the height of the Stanley Cup Finals. While most leagues prefer to wait until after the ceremonial booing of the commissioner, the NHL says 'Bullshit' to that idea and instead hosts a highly visual and star-struck affair (if one considers current and former hockey players stars) in the heart of the Stanley Cup Finals because that will probably be the last time anyone really cares about hockey until July 1st.

So while the NHL vets itself and it's players, placing a little extra weight on stupid reporter questions about what winning an award means to the two involved that are still competing for the biggest award in pro sports (Jonathon Toews and Patrice Bergeron), let's take a look at some other not-so-popular awards that will be handed out in the back alley behind a dumpster to homeless people on the morning of the Awards.


The Best Name in Hockey Award Goes To;  Johnny Oduya, Chicago Blackhawks. 

Runner Ups, Johnny Boychuk (Boston Bruins), Brooks Orpik (Pittsburgh Penguins)

His family, friends, coaches and teammates just call him '14'

With a name like 'Johnny' where else can you be still taken seriously but in hockey?

While Boychuk got points for being able to substitute boychuk woodchuck in the ancient tongue twister:
 'how much boys could a boy chuck chuck if a boy chuck could chuck boys?'
Oduya's last name is so phonetically great as it's own comeback that it takes my pick for name of the year.
'I think I will just go around this Chicago defenseman here who isn't Keith or Seabrook.'
'Oduya.'
'Oh, I do all right. Just watch me.'

Honorable Mention to Brooks Orpik, named after legendary USA coach Herb Brooks, which sadly shows that here was a boy who had no choice in life but to play hockey to please his hockey-loving father.



The Best That's Not a Word Scrabble-Named Player Award;  Antti Niemi

Runner Ups - Tuuka Rask

Best Nickname Award; Reigning Long-time champion, Jordan Tootoo 'Train'

I like nicknames, i really do but adding '-sie' or '-er' at the back of their last name is just indicative of lazy naming skills. I am sure there are a lot of players out there that are also named 'c$%$%ker or pre-fixed with 'f$*$-ing ______' but this is a somewhat family-friendly blog and a nickname is something one should be proud of.


Not to be confused with Jonathon Cheechoo train (which is rarely heard and often in the shop for repairs), Tootoo's hard-hitting style of play makes for such a perfect nickname that it's hard to imagine why he or a teammate doesn't yell out 'Here comes the Too-Too train!' every time he hits someone. I probably would.

Honorary Mention to Brian 'Dill' Bickell, which admittedly I have yet to hear anybody call him that other than theo fleury on twitter.



The Raffi Torres Award for Being Raffi Torres;  Raffi Torres

No, happy face Raffi, happy face...

He plays like a young me, before suspensions
were invented.

Much like the Mark Messier Award which is awarded annually to the player Mark Messier wishes he were if he were still playing, the Raffi Torres award goes to the player that most plays like Raffi Torres. When he retires I hope he becomes the next Brendan Shanahan so he can laugh at league officials who send him videotape of supposed 'illegal hits' before he bodychecks them into a coma.

The Shit, it's Raffi Torres Award goes to Jarret Stoll

Not surprisingly, this is Jarret's first major award since he played bantam hockey. He was surprised to find that the award already delivered to him via a broken front window by what appeared to be a deliveryman wearing a Blackhawks jersey with the #81 on back.



The Worst Place to Be a Goalie;  Philadelphia

Finally knocking long-time champions Toronto Maple Leafs off the podium, Philadelphia made a strong case for the win, narrowly defeating Vancouver who sneakingly tried to win by having two goalies self-esteems to bat around all year. Philadelphia's choice to not give the press anybody but their sometimes too amazingly candid Russian goalie Ilya Brygalov plus giving him a decades long contract makes Philly a not-destination for goalies for years to come.

Honorable Mention; New York Islanders who were once again blocked for the award by a passionate Rick DiPietro who continually lobbies about how amazing the Islanders have been to him.


The Where The Hell Did He Come From Breakout Performer; 
something 'BOBROVSKY!' Columbus Blue Jackets Goalie

Technically the best thing to come out of the Rick Nash departure, although I think he had nothing to do with it, BOBROVSKY! came from the new Goalie Graveyard of Philadelphia to take over the duties of getting repeatedly shot at with hard rubber pucks from the much shell-shocked Blue Jacket goalies of yesteryear, including Steve Mason, Brian Boucher, Pascal Leclaire to name a few.

The Hard Not to Giggle At Your Name Award

Cal Clutterbuck, Grant Clitsome, Clayton Stoner,

Patrick Roy's 1st order of business; fire the PR guy

Brenden Dubinsky, Woljek Wolski, Colorado Avalanche


The Shift the Blame Award;  Tie Mike Gillis (Vancouver Canucks), Glen Sather (New York Rangers)

What do you do with a highly talented team that wins a lot of games in the some of the most highly passionate markets in the NHL but fails to win the Stanley Cup?  Fire the guy who works to intertwine your crazy signings or non-trades into a cohesive team chemistry unit that still manages to be a contender for the Cup until that day they lose to a team that is parallel with them in skill but has a crazy psycho named Raffi Torres or the giant Zdeno Chara on their team. Yeah, that makes sense.

Best Social Media User Award; Roberto Luongo on twitter

Kevin Bieksa's attempt at social media is horribly, horribly wrong.

Showing a sly wit when keeping his distance from too-passionate interview requests (sample- gave his phone # as 807-5309 to one follower) and keeping his tweets few and oddly relevant (including a picture of the emergency crapper he used during the playoffs against Anaheim), he's been a nice change of pace from the usual NHL sanctioned boring tweets.

Okay, that's it for today - time to go enjoy Game 2!