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| Give me my precioussssss, wraith riderrrr. |
Finally, after nearly three minutes of highlight worthy drama, the compacted season has ended for most teams quite early in the East, especially down in Florida where it ended back on the 2nd week of the truncated NHL season. Yet, due to Owner flunky and league commissioner Gary Bettman the entire Southwestern division still had to play out the year to give hockey and Winnipeg Jet fans the chance to see if Coach Claude Noel could usurp John Tortorella as the NHL's worst interview.
Here are some completely uneducated and unfounded playoff predictions for the 1st round eastern match ups.
#1 Pittsburgh Penguins
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| scarf optional |
Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.
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| Come on, we dare you... |
Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.
VS
#8 New York Islanders
Analyzing the team - Wait? What? The islanders are in the playoffs? How did that happen you ask? Remember the Southeast division? This is what happens. Blame GARY BETTMAN. The fact that they are in the playoffs makes a mockery of all that Rick DiPietro, Alexi Yashin, Mike Milbury and Charles Wang have worked years to destroy.
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| To be fair, the Islander management did get something right |
Analyzing the team name - Another team based on their geographical location and which will seem utterly stupid next year when they move from Manhattan Island inland to Brooklyn. Thankfully, they are not the first team to suffer like this, as basketball's LA Lakers were originally named for the lakes of Minnesota before their move, NFL's Phoenix Cardinals shared the name of the state bird of the MLB's St. Louis Cardinals and the Montreal Canadiens were once named for the amount of Canadiens on their team.
Playoff Prediction; This is the type of series that every Penguin lover sees as proof almighty that they were meant to win the Cup. For the Islanders, this series just reminds them that they have a lot of work still ahead of them to be considered contenders. Penguins in four straight.
#2 Montreal Canadiens
Analyzing the team - the most storied team in the league that insists on jumping up and down like a spoiled only child reminding everyone of how great they once were. They, too are comprised of relatively few actual Canadians but come playoff time, everyone will forget that once they start singing that "Ole, ole" song everytime they have a 2 goal lead. Thankfully, that will probably be at the most, twice.
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| The sacrificing of the playoff virgin |
Analyzing the team name - you can't beat the name for it's potential branding power. Mention Canadian anywhere else in the world it most likely gave one the impression of a bunch of redneck lumberjacks with names like 'Nathan Kay' or 'Johnny McJohnson', drinking maple syrup beer while smoking a giant reefer and carrying an axe in one hand and a hockey stick in the other and having too many arms. Now it seems to represent a bunch of brittle children that are jealous that their NHL dreams never came to fruition and instead have to try to explain in both French and English why the team is nowhere as good as it was thirty years ago.
VS
8 Ottawa Senators
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totally different than the condoms
or the football team |
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| They even have a back-up mustache |
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| Pictured; Freedom |
Analyzing the team - the Senators were the last team from Canada to clinch a playoff spot although thanks to the Ontario media who are focusing on the Maple Leafs return to the playoffs, nobody knows it. Led by the dynamic duo of Coach MacLean's mustache and resident senior citizen Daniel Alfredsson's and his age-defying golden locks of hair, Ottawa looks poised to continue to be invisible through the playoffs.
Analyzing the team name - Ottawa is the home of Canada's government and it's Members of Parliament and senators. Senators are a highly overpaid lot of men who you would have trouble identifying in public. You know that they are there and are in theory have a function but one would be hard-pressed to actually describe what they did, unlike Gary Bettman. So, a perfect name. As with their political counterparts, the senators have no media presence in Canada or for that matter, Ottawa.
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a typical senate meeting in session
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Playoff Prediction; Most of English Canada will be forced to watch the Toronto Maple Leafs in their first round match up instead of being able to enjoy this all-Canadian team tilt for the ages involving the most-storied franchise in the league and the other one. Although it will be offered on the french-language channel it just won't be the same hearing 'le buuuuuuu!' the one time a game Montreal will be able to score. Ottawa's 7th place finish is misleading as they do have the return of their all-star goalie and defenceman back in the mix. I'm willing to bet this will be considered a bit of an upset,
Ottawa in six but that won't stop Montreal fans from their time-honored tradition of rioting after the series is over.
#3 Washington Capitals
Analyzing the team - These are the champions of the South east division aka (the sucky division) which isn't saying much. The entire southwest would have been eliminated from the playoffs but for Gary Bettman who insisted that the leading team of each division be automatically allowed in the playoffs. So here they are.
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Added bonus, the capitals 'jersey roulette' always
leaves you guessing which uniform they will be wearing |
Analyzing the team name - They are called the Capitals because they are situated in the Washington DC area somewhere so it's a bit of a play on their location and somebody thought it was clever. However, capitals are also what you use to start a sentence or make it read like you are shouting. That's all Gary Bettman's fault. It should be changed to the Washington OVECHKIN and friends.
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| This has HBO sitcom written all over it. |
VS
Analyzing the team - the Rangers were picked to challenge Pittsburgh for 1st place in the east and 2nd place in the league. Instead they managed to barely beat out every team in the southeast for a playoff spot, which honestly wasn't difficult. However, they lost to every other team in the league despite the pick up of highly touted Rick Nash who obviously wasn't able to wash the stink of losing off of him.
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| Ranger Melvin |
Analyzing the team name - the Rangers sound like it was the name of some type of military scouting unit back in the Civil war. So, if I were a southern black man, I'd be pretty stoked on the name, as a southern white man, not so much. In more recent times, it's the name of a baseball team, a lone sherriff, an English football club and the occupation of a wandering character in some role playing game and as such has no real relevance upon the playoff picture. Just like now, really.
Playoff Prediction; Washington is riding the resurgence of Alex Ovechkin as the league's most prolific and ugliest goal-scorer. The New York Rangers are riding on the dashing good looks of Henrik Lundquist, the league's prettiest goal-stopper. The Rangers toughest character is their coach who is legally not allowed to lace up skates and the team chemistry is still not there since trading away last year's leading scorer to make room for another superstar who has no playoff experience aside from watching it. Washington has found their groove and I'd say will get rid of the Rangers in five.
#4 Boston Bruins
Analyzing the team - Have an emotional end of the season, having to postpone 2 games to extenuating circumstances and Tim Thomas's facebook statuses. They are run by the Dark Lord himself, Jeremy Jacobs who is rumored to deduct the cost of a puck going out of play off of the offending player's salary.
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| To be fair, that is a duck he's beating on |
Analyzing the team name - Bruins are a Eurasian name for a species of bear, which was once plentiful in Europe but have been all but made extinct by the voracious appetite of giant Zdeno Chara who insists on eating one every morning on game day. Still, a bruin would be considered a formidable opponent, even if Chara hadn't already eaten it.
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| More FOOODDD |
VS
#5 Toronto Maple Leafs
Analyzing the team - officially 'this is the team that Brian Burke didn't build so don't bring it up, thank you.' Riding behind the sudden emergence of Nazim Khadri as a potential superstar to play alongside Phil Kessel who is just thankful that the media have stopped talking to him, it is very possible that the entire Toronto Maple Leaf fan base will have a collective orgasm the first time they win a playoff series or game. Be prepared for every Maple Leaf fact to be ended with '..since 2005, the last time they were in the playoffs.'
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| I wish my dad were here... |
Analyzing the team name - the Maple Leaf is the symbol of Canada so it's appropriate that over 50% of the team is made up of people of other nationalities and they have identity/loyalty issues. And like Canada, which insists on telling everyone that they are more powerful than the other countres give them credit for, so too do the Maple Leaf faithful until they realize that they are the only ones in the pub drinking a white wine spritzer.
Playoff Prediction; this may come as a surprise to some, but the Leafs are in the playoffs. It won't come as a surprise to many that the Leafs are out of the playoffs in five games. Boston has too much experience, attitude and Zdeno Chara for the Leafs to do much more than point every reporter to Phil Kessel's dressing stall to ask him how he is enjoying losing against his former team. Bruins in five.
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