14 Subjectively Amazing Facts About... Marian Hossa

On a team that has it's fair share of marquee players, Marian Hossa is a bit of an oddity. Odd in that out of everyone on the Blackhawks, he has the most Stanley Cup experience. On a team overflowing in talent in pretty much every aspect of the game and on every line, Hossa has one amazing feat that goes relatively unnoticed; he has appeared in more Stanley Cup Finals in the last six years than anyone but Don Cherry and Ron MacLean.

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Sure, on a team that has perennial all-stars Jonathon Toews, Patrick Kane, Duncan Keith hogging most of the media attention it's easy to forget that Hossa kind of takes his place along players like Patrick Sharp, Brent Seabrook, Corey Crawford and Brian Bickell. But he's the ultimate 'been-there/done-that' player when it comes to the Stanley Cup, playing in more Finals Series than anyone since the days of the Oilers Dynasty, when most of that nucleus missed only two Finals in the decade, allowing the Flames and the Canadiens to take home the Glory. But none of them played on three different teams to get there. In fact, since Marian joined the NHL in 98-99 he has missed the post-season only twice in his career, both times with the Atlanta Thrashers.   Click below to find out some other interesting facts about Chicago's other star.

Chicago wins Cup, 48 hours earlier than scheduled! Mass Panic at Blog desk!

I was thinking that this post was going to be a comparison of the Tortorella/Vigneault trade but my Chicago Blackhawks upset my schedule a little bit by winning the Stanley Cup 48 hours before I wanted them to. So in honor of their accomplishment and this, my 100th post on this blog (with still no job offers) here's a look at comparing some facts that the TSN sports reporters dug up.

The Turning Point - the consensus seems to be that it was when Coach Quenneville reunited Patrick Kane with Jonathon Toews and Brian Bickell on the top line says every pro hockey analyst ever.

Ogie says - uh, i'd say the Turning Point was when Brian Bickell tied it and then Dave Bolland scored that goal-ahead goal 17 seconds later. Instead of going back to Chicago for Game 7, The double B's changed that making all of Chicago's Black Aces race to get their gear on to prepare for the presentation about to happen in less than 2 minutes.

Boston Bruins Vs The 2013 Stanley Cup Champions

And then there were 2...

Fuck me. Of all the teams that may make my Stanley Cup prediction fail, it would be the Boston Bruins. I never really considered them to make it this far at the start. No real reason, maybe just fell onto that Pittsburgh Penguin train of thought or didn't bother considering them because well...Blackhawks.

Toews didn't realize the taxi driver was a Bruins fan.

However, this could very well be one of the most even match-ups in recent history. Now some of you may disagree with me which is fine because I can't hear you.  But the Vancouver/Boston series was a contest between high-class and low-classs; of east coast and west coast, Starbucks vs Dunkin' Donuts, finger biting vs. face punching.
It was ironic that the most effective Canucks (in my opinion) were closest to the Bruins in mentality; Raffi Torres and Aaron Rome who's names are now both synonymous with 'instant concussion and suspension'.

I'm not saying it's coincidence (it's Mike Gillis) but neither of those two are playing for the Canucks anymore and the Canucks are fading fast from Stanley Cup contention. Gillis is saying that window is closing despite still having 2 starting goalies and their all-star Sedins. A Canuck fan only has to look at the Bruins, who have kept their roster pretty much intact and lost only their all-star goalie to start breaking out the Crying Towel and just sit back and prepare for the inevitable 'rebuilding' talk.

But that's for another day. Let's get to figuring out just how close this Stanley Cup will be. Here is Ogie's nuanced breakdown of the Chicago Blackhawks and Boston Bruins, two of the original six teams but I doubt that fact will be mentioned less than 50x leading up to the puck drop on Wednesday and 10x a game after that before commercial breaks.

And Now for Something Lightly Different...

So now that we are in the lull of the 3rd round, where at least 2 games have been played and we know which way the wind is blowing in regards to the Stanley Cup and who is going to be playing Chicago and [SPOILER ALERT] it looks to be Boston.

This is my take of a typical 7 game series. Then after this, I will throw in a review of the new movie 'the Internship' coming out soon in 2005 which really underlines the difficulties of movie-making a current topic with current actors. Especially if that topic and actors were current 8 years ago, like Jarome Iginla.

But first;

and you question if the $500 ticket was worth it.

Game 1 - This game is the most important game of the series. It establishes the tone of the series. If the home team wins, that's good. If they lose, they have lost home ice advantage which means that they could be kicked out of the playoffs in a hostile town many miles from home. Everybody is amped up and people at the game are trying to figure out who the important numbers are to watch, according to their handyman.

Game 2 - This game is the most important game of the series. If the home team has won both games, sports announcers everywhere will start telling you the odds of the other team coming back and beating them 4 times without home ice advantage. If the home team loses both games, they may very well be up Shit Creek or as Penquins fans like to call it 'What's Happening Right Now'..

Game 3 - This game is the most important game of the series. If the series is tied, one team now goes up one game. If one team has already won the first 2 games, they may as well start reserving Stanley Cup tickets. If this is the first win for a team, the series just got a bit more interesting which makes....

I am angry, happy, sad and confused right now
because it is only Game 4.

Game 4 - This game is the most important of the series. If a team has already won 3 games, this game gives the coach a chance to let some other players try to score some goals. If one team is up 2 games to 1, this game 'pushes the (blank) to elimination' and creates all sorts of cliche 'do or die' quotes before the next game which is more important. If the other team wins, the series is tied at 2-2 and makes the first four games moot and instead the playoffs become a best of three, which is much more exciting for everyone especially the team owners and local scalpers.

Game 5 - This game is most important because there should be no more fucking around if your team has already won 3 games. You don't want to let the other team start thinking they have a chance (see Detroit, round 2) and it's best for everyone concerned you just finish the series off so you can watch some of the NBA playoffs. Of course, if the series is tied 2 games apiece, this game makes the next game a winner take all scenario, which is awesome depending on if it is the visiting or home team with the lead. It's like having a head start in winning.

I'm sad but my annual net worth just went up $200,000

Game 6 - This game is the most important because if the series-leading team loses, it forces a Game 7 which causes massive erections for all hockey fans and analysts. One mistake can be all the difference and the referees try not to be the ones to point those mistakes out, which leads to lots of booing and cheering, depending on which team is on the receiving end of the not-called near decapitation infraction. There may be some crying involved by one of the team's marketing departments.

Game 7 - Holy Shit, this game is the most important because the winner makes the other team cry in front of thousands as they realize that they were so close to being in the Stanley Cup Finals but failed to seal the deal in what would now be considered the biggest game of their lives (if they were on the losing team).

Fuck'n still? Get over it, Vancouver...

It could be the closest some players ever get to the Stanley Cup as the team chemistry that got them this far is all but destroyed in the off-season by nosy general managers, cap-wielding accountants and greedy agents. The winning team receives a historical trophy that was once considered a great achievement but has since become a superstitious rite in itself of 'touch or don't touch'. If the home team wins it, there is much rejoicing, if the home team loses and the team is Canadian, there is a good chance of a riot (so no worries again this year). 

And now about that movie I was mentioning...

Well played, Onion, well played.

Rehashing/Updating Playoff Reviews;

It's come down to this, the Final Four. Coincidentally, they are also the last 4 Stanley Cup champions so you know that most of these guys know what it takes to win the Cup. More importantly, that guy behind the bench with the continual axe over his head knows what it takes to win and they will do everything possible in the name of job security to keep their general managers and owners happy.

While it is often said talent wins championships, you only have to look at those players that have never won a Cup to know that is not true. It takes teamwork, talent and a hard-working coach that tries to maximize every little advantage in the name of winning (Alain Vigneault famously rarely had the Sedins take a face-off in the defensive zone). It is safe to say that if it weren't for the work of these four men and their assistants that we wouldn't be pretty psyched up for these two conference finals.


The Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Joel Quenneville. 

Jesus. This looks to be the face of a guy who is going off to kill babies or something during Roman times. This is also the face of a coach who's team got a point in 24 straight games to start the season so he's doing something right.

I wouldn't want to piss him off and i think that's probably the Hawks biggest fear and why they win.

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

#5 Los Angeles Kings

Analyzing The Team - Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels, but the LA Angels sounded too girly so they were named the much more masculine Kings. The Kings were one of the 'Next 6' teams that entered the league in the late 60's to great fan fare and decades of losing (see Vancouver Canucks early years). They have had many great moments in team history but nobody knows it because they barely crack the top 100 of things to do in LA, just above 'snort cocaine off Gary Busey's driveway'. Last year they apparently won the Stanley Cup, the first 8th seeded team to do so in North American sports, showing that really, final standing means nothing in the NHL, thanks to GARY BETTMAN.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Daryl Sutter

And here's his polar opposite. This guy looks to have the patience of a turtle (and yes, he kind of looks like one too). He's a guy that will patiently wait for the zamboni guy to scrape the ice away from zamboni doors before going on the rink. He's also a guy who has led a team of cast-offs to Stanley Cup glory, becoming the first team to beat the 1st and 2nd place teams to do that. 

I'd say his players win not because they fear him, but they just want him to be proud of them. 

Nobody really cared for the new guy, 'Mike Messier'.

Analyzing the Team Name - A King is 2nd only to God in terms of power rankings, although throughout history Popes have disputed this fact. LA is also habited by many queens, a couple of princes and Mathew Perry. King head coach Darryl Sutter was praised for his ability to spark a mediocre team to Stanley Cup glory and to raise sporadic power forward Dustin Penner from the dead and make him a 2 time Stanley Cup champion, which causes Hall of Famers Cam Neely, Jarome Iginla, Eric Lindros and Wendel Clark to weep silently into their pillows at night.

In terms of Anger Management Issues, Blackhawks take this series in 6 games.

The Eastern Conference

#4 Boston Bruins

Analyzing the team - Have an emotional end of the season, having to postpone 2 games to extenuating circumstances and Tim Thomas's facebook statuses.  They are run by the Dark Lord himself, Jeremy Jacobs who is rumored to deduct the cost of a puck going out of play off of the offending player's salary.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Claude Julien

Although he looks a bit mad here, he also looks as if he could easily be your drunken Uncle Burt at the latest family gathering or at the very least, the overly passionate fan beside you at a football game. You feel that his game plan consists of simple speeches like 'Go get'm!'.

His players win because he's the type of coach that proves to be hilarious once he's drunk.

To be fair, that is a duck he's beating on

Analyzing the team name - Bruins are a Eurasian name for a species of bear, which was once plentiful in Europe but have been all but made extinct by the voracious appetite of giant Zdeno Chara who insists on eating one every morning on game day. Still, a bruin would be considered a formidable opponent, even if Chara hadn't already eaten it.

More FOOODDD

vs

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Dan Blysma

First, this is the most unflattering picture i could find of Dan. He's just a super photogenic dude who i like to imagine that I was supposed to turn out like once i hit my fort-thirties. He looks more like your more successful older brother and the reason why his team wins is because they just want to impress him so he will buy them booze.
And oh yeah, he has a guy named Sidney Crosby on his team which helps immensely (see Glen Sather coaching record before and after Gretzky).

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

In the wild, when a Bruin meets a Penquin, carnage ensues. Same here. Bruins in 5.

Through the Plexi-glass... (The Other Timeline) 2013

Downgoesbrown did an article here about the general futility and lameness of the 2nd round of the NHL playoffs, which i think most will agree with.

I mean, the first round is full of hockey every day, where surprises can happen and dreams dashed (hi Torontonians). It's full-tilt excitement as Raffi Torres skates around around trying to hit every opponent in sight and Brendan Shanahan leans heavily on the 'Suspension' button and TSN guest panelists try not to look like they know jackshit about why some teams are winning and other teams are not winning.  Then as the first round nears it's conclusion, the 2nd round is upon us and the referees just let all types of shit go, leading to the usual 'double-standard' officiating that has been in place since the 2 referee system was introduced.

I mean...seriously...but i digress.


I remember back in the day when the league was 4 divisions. Nice and simple. 4 teams made it out of each division for a total of 16 (still the same). But back then, the 2nd round meant at least one team could claim the title of 'division champion' before going on to win/lose the 'conference championship' then finally finish the threepeat by becoming 'Stanley Cup champion'.

Your team was pretty much guaranteed to be in the top 4 of a 5 team division because there were always the Jets, the Whalers, the Washington Capitals that you could count on not to make the playoffs pretty much before Christmas was over. Now, it's a fucking crap-shoot from beginning to end, a complicated shit-show that pretty much keeps everyone in the playoff hunt until the last week of the season, thanks to the overtime point, the 6 or 8 separate divisions and the automatic inclusion of each division leader in the top 3 placings, no matter what their actual total points were.  It's messed up and confusing and helps to make the 2nd round effectively retarded from an emotional standpoint. You win or lose the 2nd round, nobody remembers or rewards you for it. It's just there, like a Chinese place mat.

Let's see what drama would have been produced if the NHL had kept to the original 4 format (i'll keep the expansion teams in the closest geographical locations just as soon as i figure out where Columbus is).

Now sit back. You are now about to enter a world, a world where the peanut butter is red and there is something under the fridge, perhaps a key, perhaps not. You don't know as you can't quite reach it. Instead you look behind you, it is a wooden frame, holding up a wooden slab. It has a handle. You have just found ...

The Scary Door. NHL Edition