Rehashing/Updating Playoff Reviews;

It's come down to this, the Final Four. Coincidentally, they are also the last 4 Stanley Cup champions so you know that most of these guys know what it takes to win the Cup. More importantly, that guy behind the bench with the continual axe over his head knows what it takes to win and they will do everything possible in the name of job security to keep their general managers and owners happy.

While it is often said talent wins championships, you only have to look at those players that have never won a Cup to know that is not true. It takes teamwork, talent and a hard-working coach that tries to maximize every little advantage in the name of winning (Alain Vigneault famously rarely had the Sedins take a face-off in the defensive zone). It is safe to say that if it weren't for the work of these four men and their assistants that we wouldn't be pretty psyched up for these two conference finals.


The Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Joel Quenneville. 

Jesus. This looks to be the face of a guy who is going off to kill babies or something during Roman times. This is also the face of a coach who's team got a point in 24 straight games to start the season so he's doing something right.

I wouldn't want to piss him off and i think that's probably the Hawks biggest fear and why they win.

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

#5 Los Angeles Kings

Analyzing The Team - Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels, but the LA Angels sounded too girly so they were named the much more masculine Kings. The Kings were one of the 'Next 6' teams that entered the league in the late 60's to great fan fare and decades of losing (see Vancouver Canucks early years). They have had many great moments in team history but nobody knows it because they barely crack the top 100 of things to do in LA, just above 'snort cocaine off Gary Busey's driveway'. Last year they apparently won the Stanley Cup, the first 8th seeded team to do so in North American sports, showing that really, final standing means nothing in the NHL, thanks to GARY BETTMAN.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Daryl Sutter

And here's his polar opposite. This guy looks to have the patience of a turtle (and yes, he kind of looks like one too). He's a guy that will patiently wait for the zamboni guy to scrape the ice away from zamboni doors before going on the rink. He's also a guy who has led a team of cast-offs to Stanley Cup glory, becoming the first team to beat the 1st and 2nd place teams to do that. 

I'd say his players win not because they fear him, but they just want him to be proud of them. 

Nobody really cared for the new guy, 'Mike Messier'.

Analyzing the Team Name - A King is 2nd only to God in terms of power rankings, although throughout history Popes have disputed this fact. LA is also habited by many queens, a couple of princes and Mathew Perry. King head coach Darryl Sutter was praised for his ability to spark a mediocre team to Stanley Cup glory and to raise sporadic power forward Dustin Penner from the dead and make him a 2 time Stanley Cup champion, which causes Hall of Famers Cam Neely, Jarome Iginla, Eric Lindros and Wendel Clark to weep silently into their pillows at night.

In terms of Anger Management Issues, Blackhawks take this series in 6 games.

The Eastern Conference

#4 Boston Bruins

Analyzing the team - Have an emotional end of the season, having to postpone 2 games to extenuating circumstances and Tim Thomas's facebook statuses.  They are run by the Dark Lord himself, Jeremy Jacobs who is rumored to deduct the cost of a puck going out of play off of the offending player's salary.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Claude Julien

Although he looks a bit mad here, he also looks as if he could easily be your drunken Uncle Burt at the latest family gathering or at the very least, the overly passionate fan beside you at a football game. You feel that his game plan consists of simple speeches like 'Go get'm!'.

His players win because he's the type of coach that proves to be hilarious once he's drunk.

To be fair, that is a duck he's beating on

Analyzing the team name - Bruins are a Eurasian name for a species of bear, which was once plentiful in Europe but have been all but made extinct by the voracious appetite of giant Zdeno Chara who insists on eating one every morning on game day. Still, a bruin would be considered a formidable opponent, even if Chara hadn't already eaten it.

More FOOODDD

vs

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Dan Blysma

First, this is the most unflattering picture i could find of Dan. He's just a super photogenic dude who i like to imagine that I was supposed to turn out like once i hit my fort-thirties. He looks more like your more successful older brother and the reason why his team wins is because they just want to impress him so he will buy them booze.
And oh yeah, he has a guy named Sidney Crosby on his team which helps immensely (see Glen Sather coaching record before and after Gretzky).

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

In the wild, when a Bruin meets a Penquin, carnage ensues. Same here. Bruins in 5.