Hey forget ISIS, the NHL is nearly set to 'Distraction'

So it's near puck drop - all you hockey nuts have signed up for a minimum of 5 different hockey pools. Some are friends/family pools, others are clever marketing ploys that gives the host company consent to send you emails in a roundabout attempt to avoid Canadian anti-spamming legislation.

Anyone who is anyone (who is getting paid to provide content in sports-themed web pages) has already supplied their season previews. Yet Ogie hasn't. Why?

Because I'm not getting paid, I have kids and I've been hitting dynasty status on EA/NHL2014 with my Chicago Blackhawks. It takes up more time than you realize.

So here's my quick rankings of this year's edition of the NHL just so i can look back nine months from now and see if i should become a professional gambler.

Quick off-season note - while I am a fan of the 'fining coach's for players diving rule, one big change which takes away from the game is the tripping from behind even if you have touched the puck first.
We (especially if you played defense) all loved to see a defenceman lunge at someone on a near breakaway, poking away the puck with his stick before the player falls to the ice and possibly plows into the goalie. That's now a penalty. That sucks. But otherwise, I've paid little attention to off-season changes because it keeps chipping away at the Game Canada Loves.

Let's start with my limited knowledge of off-season antics and predict who goes where.

30 Carolina Hurricanes - Sounds like a soccer team, has 2 Staal brothers that underperformed last year. Apparently Jordan's leg also underperformed in the pre-season. Cam Ward has been riding his one great year of goaliedom for the last 8 years now.

29 Buffalo Sabres - they will move up from last to not-last this year, thanks to the strong showing of Carolina.

28 Calgary Flames - look at the west, I mean look at it! The only break for the Flames will be when an Eastern Conference opponent comes into town at which time they will be playing mostly only good teams.

27 New Jersey - when your leading scorer is geriatric Jaromir Jagr and your leading goalie just won't retire peacefully, something has to give and it's going to be New Jersey's win column.

26  Florida Panthers - Luongo in net, Dave Bolland up front. Jonathon Huberdeau begging to go on IR - this is a team that I think will surprise many by not actually doing much this year.

25  Edmonton Oilers - in keeping with tradition, the Oilers have it in spades. The last time they were a serious contender was when it was a choice between Taylor Hall and Tyler Seguin. Tyler Seguin still sends Kevin Lowe Xmas cards thanking him for the choice.

24  Philadelphia Flyers - I hope I'm wrong but this team is a Yo-Yo of emotions and place in the standings and in the tough (cough) Eastern conference, Philly relies too much on Chris Pronger's relevance and their middle of the pack goaltending. They are only one IR away from not making the playoffs and this year is probably it.

23  Toronto Maple Leafs - Look, I really, really, really want the Leafs to get in the playoffs just so TSN will stop talking about that next year. And maybe they will have another epic meltdown like they did with Boston (too soon?).

21  Winnipeg Jets - they will continue to surprise by being the team that everyone forgets how hard they fought for to come back to Manitoba. Sadly, they are still in the Western Conference.

20  Ottawa Senators - When your team is known for your coach's moustache and every news outlets pines for his doppelganger to appear behind the bench again you could be in trouble. Thankfully, the expectations are so low on this team that they could laugh their way to a playoff spot.

The Middle of the Packers or who knows.

19  Arizona Coyotes - trying to get rid of the stigma of being called Phoenix although they played in Scarsdale, the marketing team comes up with a clever ploy to introduce hockey into Arizona state by rebranding them the Arizona Coyotes.

18  Nashville Predators - What's the worst place they could come in given they are in the same division as Winnipeg - second to last.

(formerly 22)  New York Islanders - Remember last year when there was all that talk about the Islanders finally being relevant again? Then Tavares was injured in the Olympics and the Islanders disappeared? That was fun. The next big news will be when they move into their new arena in Brooklyn and that will probably be the last you hear of them in Canada.

NEWSFLASH - Isles acquire Boychuck and Leddy, 2 Stanley cup winning Joe Lunchbucket defencemen that should carry them into the playoffs this year. Things are looking up for the Isles faithful.

17  Columbus Blue Jackets - continue to defy their existence by keeping those Quebec Nordique 3rd jerseys packed up in the attic of the arena.

16  Tampa Bay Lightning - thinking of changing their name simply to Tampa Bay Stamkos's.

15  Colorado Avalanche - the surprise team of last year won't surprise anyone this year. Patrick Roy will freak out but he's no John Tortorella and won't be suspended because everyone likes him.

14  Washington Capitals - Pretty much the same team as last year, except for their coach, their defense and Ovechkin's teeth.

13  Detroit Red Wings - will make the playoffs out of sheer habit once again.

12  Minnesota Wild - in a clever marketing ploy, the Wild have told their fans that Zach Parise and Ryan Suter are just 'getting started'. Whatever that means.

11 Pittsburgh Penguins - I hate them because I continually want to spell penguins like penquins.

10  New York Rangers - Messier is still not allowed past the player's entrance. Good for them. Rick Nash will find hockey fun again.

9  San Jose Sharks - will lower their expectations a bit this year and decide to choke in the early months for awhile before making it into the playoffs where they can once again choke as per expectations.

8  Vancouver Canucks - A return to offensive zone starts for the Sedins can only lead to more goals for the duo. Ryan Miller will reintroduce Miller-Time to a new generation.

7  Dallas Stars - so far off the radar that they will be the new Colorado Avalanche.

6 Montreal Canadiens - PK Subban is finally making the money he's always been expecting to earn and has given his two younger brothers big competition for the 'least-disappointing Subban'.

5  Boston Bruins - still led by Chara, Bergeron and Rask. Still literally the biggest legitimate threat in the East.

4-1 Chicago Blackhawks, LA Kings, Anaheim Ducks, St. Louis will all finish first in the league. It won't be easy but it will be done.