Worst Canuck Subjects to Bring Up Drunk.

You have to admit, there is nothing more fun sitting in a pub with a few of your most devoted Canuck brethren and sticking it to them regarding their choice of lame-ass teams to follow.  There is something about watching the spittle form on their lips as they defend their great Canucks that reminds you "Yet somehow this is all really funny."

you can also make fun of anyone
weighing less than a bag of pucks.

Of course, the key to bashing the Canucks in a alcoholic setting is to make sure that you know the people you are drinking with.  Beware the guy who is wearing a Canuck hat; their obvious show of loyalty makes for a bad sense of humour.  Of course, this doesn't apply if he is wearing some type of clothing that in some respect mentions Roberto Luongo.

Another person to beware of is the person who is wearing a "vintage" V jersey.  They will most likely be unable to pay for their drink.  If they are sporting a major bald spot and long moustache, it could also be Harold Snepsts and he can still kick your ass.  An easy way to tell is to approach them and ask if they are Harold Snepsts and buy him a drink if so.  DO NOT mention Mike Bossy or Game 1 of the 1982 finals.

The third person, who is complete fair game is the guy who proclaims his love for the Canucks but doesn't show any outward proof.  The easiest way to get a rise out of him is to tell him that he is obviously ashamed of the Canucks or else he would be wearing some type of swag that has set him back at the mininum $25.  He will be too old to play the game but still young enough to remember how real hockey used to be played.  He has an opinion about everything and believes that there is a vast Canuck conspiracy to keep Vancouver from ever winning a cup.  He probably has a name like 'Tyler' or 'Rob'.  During the playoffs, he grows a sub-par playoff beard that somehow succeeds in making him look less manly.  And when he starts talking hockey, he is seeing the world through blue/green/white tinted glasses.  He is a Canucklehead and 'sorta' proud of it.  

The top 10 debates to have with a Canucklehead;

1) Ugliest uniform.  This is to just get things warmed up and reminds the Canucklehead that no matter how heated the arguements forthcoming will be, you can always remind him that in the end, the Montreal Canadiens have never changed their team colours and have won the Stanley Cup 23 times (that legend, although hard to believe, is true) wearing basically the same jersey.  Talk about that 'salmon-colored' third jersey, or just what other franchise puts their owner's emblem on the front (orca)?

2) Petr Nedved.  This may be limited to the age of the Canucklehead who may have never heard of Petr Nedved.  If so, just tell him that Petr Nedved was considered the greatest player ever to be drafted before coming to the Canucks, at which time the franchise proceeded to suck all talent out of him.  This can be expanded to nearly every draft pick ever made by the Canucks, with only Trevor Linden and the Sedin twins proving the exception.  If they mention Linden, rebuttal with 'but they traded him, didn't they?' which will lead into the 3rd debate.



3) Most Canuckleheads will go into denial mentioning the words Mark Messier. It's always fun to remind them that yes, the Canucks signed him to an obscene amount of money and basically allowed him to destroy the team from within for three years before buying him out so he can go back to a now Gretzky-less New York Ranger franchise where he could end his years in suckitude.

4) Remind them that Vancouver could have had the greatest player in the game in the mid-nineties if their negotiating committee could have kept their panties on until morning. As related in Al Strachan's great book "I am not making this up", Wayne Gretzky's agent and the Canucks came to an agreement in principle after a lengthy meeting that went to 2am. Gretzky received the phone call and said he would sign it first thing in the morning. The Canuck managment, obviously feeling as if they had been left naked in a bedroom during a frat party insisted that he come over and sign the thing immediately. Gretzky refused, basically feeling his word was his bond. Not good enough for the Canucks, so they picked up their clothes and walked out of the room. Gretzky signed with the New York Rangers and Mark Messier couldn't play 2nd fiddle (again) so he wound up signing with the Canucks in place of Gretzky. And we all know how that went. Insert slow clap here and down your beers.

5) this doesn't count, hockey-wise.

5) State that the last time the Canucks had anyone in their line up to be feared, it was a 5'10 190lb forward named Matt Cooke, who would cheap shot anyone for a quarter.  It helped that they had a lumbering ox named Donald Brashear who made sure to fight only those smaller than him or were already at the end of their shift if they were considered a heavyweight.

6)  Cam Neely would never realize his true potential as a Canuck so therefore the whole Barry Pederson for Cam Neely trade was actually a good one for the Canucks. 

7) Pavel Bure hated playing for the Canucks because they basically never paid him what he was worth even after he put up back to back 60 goal seasons and destroyed his future career by forcing him to play on an injured knee. 

Brodeur's unorthodox 'cringe when shot at'
style never really caught on with the new
generation of NHL goalies. 

8) All time worst Canuck goalie that were considered stars elsewhere...  at one time or another, nearly every starting goalie in the history of the universe has played for Vancouver.  Nearly all their goalies had good stats (except for you, Kevin Weekes) but due to their inability to score the big game winning goal at the appropriate times led to them seeking better ice rinks in front of a fan base that understood that winning hockey games involves scoring more goals than the other team, which requires someone other than the goalie to do.  There have been 52 starting goalies in the Canucks 40 year history.  Ask a Canucklehead to name 10.  Anything above 10, respect.  Anything less than 10 or they mention Luongo twice they should buy you a beer.

9)  All time worst Canuck players.  Again, the key to a good arguement is to never argue the positives of the Canuck franchise.  Always discuss the negatives.  Bring up that whole Bertuzzi thing.  Maybe mention that guy Messier again or how Sami Salo spent more time on the Injured Reserve list than the actual ice.  Remind them that Ryan Kesler has never 'won' the big game, be it Olympics or Stanley Cup. 

However, wearing inappropriate clothing
is punishable by gang rape in Philly

10)  Argue that the Canuck riots actually improved the downtown core of Vancouver and the image of the Canknucklehead in general.  Even the notorious Philadelphia Flyer fan base, who most would agree can't even spell Philadelphia much less figure out which way a hockey stick should be have never rioted after they losing the Stanley Cup to (insert any team's name here).