The 2013 NHL Trade Deadline (for realsies)

It's that time of year again, which really has only really seemed to pick up speed since the last lockout; the
NHL Trade deadline.  It's a time where former NHL hockey players and team executives that are no longer considered employable give their opinions on Canada's sports networks on potential rumours and trades that may happen on the last day of the year's eligibility before the playoffs and helps explain why they are no longer employed by viable NHL franchises.

Damn it Quebec; We said viable NHL franchises

Of course, with the shortened schedule due to some lock out or something, nearly every team still has a chance to make the playoffs.  I'm not going to get into the specifics of how a team with 38 points will finish in 3rd place ahead of a team with 45 points because let's face it, if you are reading this, you probably have learnt to ignore the standings like me and just wait for the final day when it's all said and done.

So, back to the Trade deadline; which in Canada gets as much hype as the pre-game before the Superbowl. It should also be called "Man-Day" as that is pretty much all it is; men talking about other men joining other men for other men while they look into their smart phones where they will be receiving texts and sending tweets about every stupid rumour that can be dug up.

Speaking as a man, it is really quite silly and a complete waste of time.  It's the CNN equivalent of election coverage with a lot of people talking but really saying nothing.  So that said, i'm talking now about what's already happened.

1st - There really hasn't been any 'trades' in the last few years.  It's one thing to have 2 franchise players switch teams.  That's a trade.  Lately it's been predominantly 'future considerations' in the form of unproven players in the minors and/or draft picks which are unproven players in the minor minors.

Can anyone name who Jarome Iginla, Jaromir Jagr, Derek Roy, Douglas Murray, Brenden Morrow, Ryan Clowe, Jay Bouwmeester, Simone Gagne, Tim Thomas, Alex Ponivarosky, Mike Brown, Robyn Regehr have been traded for?

In fact, the only straight up trades in recent memory involved Kassian for Hodgson, 2 young players with potential but really still unproven.  Jeff Carter for Jack Johnson was a good old fashioned trade, but then again it involved a Sutter in Los Angeles and whichever local college graduate was running the Columbus Blue Jackets at the time.

Anyone hoping for a Luongo for Kessel trade or anything like that may as well shut off the tv and go outside.

Top Ten Most Likely Moments;

Your wife says to go get the groceries you lazy son of a bitch.

1- a lot of wide angle shots showing the analyst guys on the ends of the counter checking their iphones for any new updates not yet installed while avoiding eye contact with the others so they don't have to fill up dead space with nothing to report.

Fuck you, Al Strachan. How's my 5 year plan now?

2- a lot of time analysts at TSN wishing Brian Burke was still around so they could continually second-guess every move he has ever made in Toronto while playing continual sound bites of him sounding pissed off, which is pretty much every interview ever.


3- Toronto's goalies or how Toronto is in need of a former #1 clutch goalie on the down slide of his career to show the 2 new capable new guys how to handle losing gracefully and quickly eliminate the Maple Leafs from the playoffs so they can all turn their attention to the Blue Jays.

No wonder Burke hates you guys...who the hell is this Strombone1
you keep asking me about?

3- Mike Gillis being mentioned at least once every 10 minutes in regards to Luongo and the Vancouver goaltending controversy, which is mainly which overpriced goaltender should they get rid of so they only have one to blame when they lose to Chicago.

4- Who's left? With some of the biggest names already gone to new teams, a lot of talk about how these new players will improve their new team's playoff chances, with nothing said of their old team's playoff chances.

Why you looking at me?
You think it's easy figuring out this CBA shit?

5- New Jargon.  Expect a lot of talk of NTC or LTC's (no trade or limited trade contracts) of players that maybe don't really want to move to a new town and a new team only to be eliminated in the 1st round of the playoffs, which let's be honest here, happens pretty much every spring.

Why do you continually show me looking sad whenever
standings are mentioned? 

6- the Lists.  Due to the slow or limited amount of actual trading going on, expect a few top ten lists like 'top ten trade dealine deals' or 'no deals' or 'worst Jay Feaster moments'.

7- a lot of awkward silences as analysts make horrible play-off predictions based on player movements and nothing to do with team chemistry.


8, 8, I forget what eight was for.  Wait. Eight was for what seed Los Angeles was when they won the Cup last year, showing that really in today's NHL, standings mean absolutely nothing in the playoffs.

Have you checked out @Strombone1 on Twitter yet?
He's hilarious! 

9 - Luongo. Luongo. Kiprusoff, Crosby's injury. Luongo.


10- The Salary Cap equation.  Remember when hockey was about trading talent for talent? Neither do I.  Now it's a numbers game as general managers concerned more about the salary cap try to move players around so that they can prepare for next year's hit while continually refreshing capgeek.com for advice. While hiring a player for a playoff run sounds like a good idea, it rarely works out. Unless you are Jeff Carter or Ray Bourque.  But then again, i could be wrong which is what makes the NHL so great.

And lo, there shall be 1 Canadian team and 1 American team
in the Finals to maximize growth and television revenue, Me willing.

 It should be a fun day. If you're not in front of the Tv.