NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Western Conference (aka Home of the 2013 Stanley Cup Champions)

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

VS

#8 Minnesota Wild

Analyzing The Team - Minnesota made big news last summer when their management precipitated the lock out by signing 2 highly coveted free agents to multi-million dollar decade long contracts despite their proven ability in never winning a Stanley Cup. The wealth of experience that Zach Parise and Ryan Suter brought in not winning when it counts in the Stanley Cup playoffs will be a boon to the Wild as they bow out in four straight games.

This is either Parise or Suter. Hard to tell

Analyzing the Team Name -  The Wild team name, much like their crest is difficult to figure out. It is one of only 4 other North American professional sports teams (so, excluding soccer) that can't be pluralized (no, i won't tell you the others).  The crest sort of looks like a tripped out mountain lion from afar but on closer inspection is more of forest at night motif. Minnesota has lots of lakes that are frozen over much of the year and is known solely for it's most (and only) famous native Minnesotan, Prince.

I guess the Minnesota 'White-Outs' came in second.

Playoff Prediction; hahahahaha ha haha (gasp,gasp) hahahahahaha

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Eastern teams (aka the runner uppers)

Give me my precioussssss, wraith riderrrr. 

Finally, after nearly three minutes of highlight worthy drama, the compacted season has ended for most teams quite early in the East, especially down in Florida where it ended back on the 2nd week of the truncated NHL season.  Yet, due to Owner flunky and league commissioner Gary Bettman the entire Southwestern division still had to play out the year to give hockey and Winnipeg Jet fans the chance to see if Coach Claude Noel could usurp John Tortorella as the NHL's worst interview.

Here are some completely uneducated and unfounded playoff predictions for the 1st round eastern match ups.

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

VS

#8 New York Islanders

Analyzing the team - Wait? What? The islanders are in the playoffs? How did that happen you ask? Remember the Southeast division? This is what happens.  Blame GARY BETTMAN.  The fact that they are in the playoffs makes a mockery of all that Rick DiPietro, Alexi Yashin, Mike Milbury and Charles Wang have worked years to destroy.

To be fair, the Islander management did get something right

Analyzing the team name - Another team based on their geographical location and which will seem utterly stupid next year when they move from Manhattan Island inland to Brooklyn. Thankfully, they are not the first team to suffer like this, as basketball's LA Lakers were originally named for the lakes of Minnesota before their move, NFL's Phoenix Cardinals shared the name of the state bird of the MLB's St. Louis Cardinals and  the Montreal Canadiens were once named for the amount of Canadiens on their team.


Playoff Prediction; This is the type of series that every Penguin lover sees as proof almighty that they were meant to win the Cup. For the Islanders, this series just reminds them that they have a lot of work still ahead of them to be considered contenders.  Penguins in four straight.

Now Back to our Regularly Scheduled Programming.

First let's update some internet street cred in the world of sports; Two hockey-related articles for your viewing pleasure as I try to update the masses of Mother England about the greatness of hockey.

But first, a comment on the reporting of major newspapers nowadays and trying too hard by none other than Canada TSN's Jay Onrait with a lead-in by Dan O'Toole, looking dapper in this thumbnail;

Excerpt #1

Hockey in a sentence is this; foot-soccer on meth, all centered around making things go faster. The pitch is shrunk down from roughly 360 x 230 feet grass playing field to a shoe box like 200 x 85 feet gladiator’s den covered in ice called a ‘rink’ from which there is no escape barring a small door to your team’s bench where another player is automatically supposed to take your place. To compensate for the smaller playing area the amount of players are cut down to six players per team, with four officials of varying abilities and responsibilities watching for penalties, offsides and the occasional stick to the balls.

The primary goal of hockey is speed, which is accomplished by wearing blades of steel on the soles of kevlar-leather boots to increase overall sliding velocity along the ice. The secondary goal of hockey is goals which are much like foot-soccer. Players use objects called ‘hockey sticks’ to move an object ‘the puck’ towards the opponent’s goal, which is much faster than kicking it. When they score into the net, there is much rejoicing on one side and much blaming of the referees on the other.  They have 60 minutes to do this as much as possible before the game ends. Due to the need to repair the ice, games are broken up into three ‘periods’ of twenty minutes each. If after 60 minutes, the game is tied, there is a brief 5 minute overtime and then a shootout which goes on indefinitely or until one goalie gets bored and stops trying so he can go home, taking his equipment with him.

Read more at http://whatculture.com/sport/nhl-a-comprehensive-introduction-for-non-hockey-fans.php#YrghgujS9ljJ4xKj.99 


http://whatculture.com/sport/nhl-a-comprehensive-introduction-for-non-hockey-fans.php

Excerpt #2

The NHL is about to begin its 95th Stanley Cup campaign. It’s 2.5 months of heightened intensity and do-or-die attitudes and for many men it will be their only chance to have their name etched forever on hockey’s holy grail. It’s a dream many have had since they first laced up a pair of skates and have worked on all their lives. It takes 16 games to win the Stanley Cup but only 4 games lost to have that dream crushed. As with all great sporting leagues, there are a few rivalries that all marketing men and homer fans hope for as teams with a history of going head to head in the playoffs bring some of the most exciting hockey that will be witnessed this lock-out shortened year.

Thanks to the internet and proliferation of free televised sporting events sites, new and old fans from overseas have more opportunity than ever before to watch some of the greatest, high-intensity hockey you will see this year in an ever-evolving game for better or worse.

Here are 6 of the biggest rivalries in the NHL and the chances of us seeing them on the ice this year…

Read more at http://whatculture.com/sport/nhl-2013-6-biggest-playoff-rivalries-and-if-theyll-happen-again.php#Xc35sUR5qSabtUzV.99 


http://whatculture.com/sport/nhl-2013-6-biggest-playoff-rivalries-and-if-theyll-happen-again.php

A Dad's view On Rape, Handguns, and Murder

The DAD in me; On Murder of Persons, Ideas and Futures

(Part 3 of 3)

I love the instantaneous question Dad asks right after the blast (0.30). 

Points for fatherhood.

Another disclaimer; I'm writing this hours after a fertilizer plant exploded in a small town called West, Texas. It's huge (the explosion, not the town). It follows the Boston Bombing only a couple of days old and as I just talked of the news cycle bumping one big story for the next big story, the thought that this cycle isn't even 72 hours old makes it pretty difficult to fathom, as I imagine most people would agree. Right now it is a mad dash of ensuring to the nation that this explosion on the far side of America was an accident, no terrorist or underground 'V for Vendetta' faction going on here. Just an accident, plain and simple. Fingers crossed.

We are all hoping that, anyways. This next week will be a big one for the idea of the safety of America's psyche. I can't imagine the cabal of the nation's mass media sources would allow for any other viewpoint. We are safe we are safe we are safe we are safe from each other. For example, Americans are so safe from each other the US Senate voted down proposed legislation today on a Gun Control Bill that would make background checks mandatory when buying firearms in the US. That is how safe we are from each other; the US Senate doesn't think any of us needs any reason whatsoever to be stopped from buying a gun. You know, to kill foxes and stuff.

A Dad's view On Rape, Handguns, and Murder

The DAD in me; On Rape of Her and Her and Her and Him

(Part 2 of 3)

In case you are just joining me in the middle of this trilogy of seriousness, be forewarned I've decided to take a short break from the lightness of Ogie and release some much needed Dad thoughts of mine into the cybersphere, of which we are all now apart of and always will be, whether we acknowledge it or not. In all this laughter and tears, some ideas trickle through. Some of the ideas I have discovered on the net are funny and great while some are embarrassingly awful but still give hope to the human race. Then there is other stuff that I don't understand why it's there.
...
This isn't starting the way I meant to.

Let's try again. Rape.

It's a vicious word, one that is not used too often in mass media these days, having given way to the much less specific 'sexual assault'. I don't know why the softer 'sexual assault' term has become more popular. Perhaps in respect for the victims. I don't know. But to me, it's still Rape. We all have an image that comes up when we hear that word. It's awful and upsetting. Now we think sexual assault and I don't quite have that same image; because the words are too all-encompassing. Rape is torrent of raging water, while sexual assault is just snow; we all know in theory it's water but without really knowing what kind of water it could be.

My wife told me tonight that my 3.5 yr old daughter said "I love Daddy but sometimes he tickles me too much."
I do. I love hearing her laugh, it makes me smile and I don't think you will find a dad anywhere that doesn't love the sound of their daughter laughing. To get her laughing I tickle her. Sometimes before bedtime I play '100 kisses' which is basically me smacking my lips smoochsmoochsmooch as a goodnight kiss around her face as she covers it with her arms, not letting me plant one (or 100) on her. She laughs and it makes me feel happy. I don't force her arms away, I just pretend that i am going to kiss her. Then i say I love you and good night and she gives me one little kiss and one big hug and i leave her to her dreams.  

Yet in those words that she told her mom, I heard what she said: I'm making her feel uncomfortable because she is not in control of how her body is touched. She is feeling like a victim and I am the cause.

That was a tough sentence to write.

A Dad's view On Rape, Handguns, and Murder

The DAD in me; Guns and Me and You and Them

(Part 1 of 3)

So adorable! Baby's got a gwun.

First, I think it's healthy for any blog or website that tries to lighten things up in this world to once in awhile cast some serious light on an issue. Call it the Jon Stewart Principle. We can't always heal ourselves with laughter or sly smiles. At least not at first. It's healthy to laugh, laughter does heal but it shouldn't heal due to ignorance of current events. Often, it's the knowledge of current events which make the laughter.

Let's take on these heavy subjects I'm introducing one at a time, from the perspective of a father, all ripped from this last week of national news. People who may stumble across this page may not have children and decide to move on, thinking this doesn't pertain to them. For those people so full of optimism, I was once like you. I didn't think I was ever going to be a father and that was fine. However, in a span of a quick and unexpected five years I am now expecting my third child. So, never bet against the future. Anything can happen. Hopefully, more good than bad but it's been a tough week to believe in that mantra.

I have one boy and one girl and one yet to be determined. Each of these subjects touch on our views of gender roles but I will start with the predominantly male one first; guns.

A comparison of School-based shootings between America and Canada from 1980-April 2013;

                        America     Canada 

         80's            20                1

         90's            30                2

         00's            32                3

     2010-             33                 2

     Total;           115                8

     

     Deaths;        303               26

Gold Medal in Deaths by Firearms in Schools; USA!

*this doesn't take into account that over 1/2 of the Canadian deaths were from 1989's Polytechnique massacre (15) nor the fatalities caused by teens outside of schools. It also doesn't mention how many were injured but it's safe to guess 'more'. 

*sadly, if were to expand these statistics as per population and give Canada about 1/10th of the population of the US the final stats would read as Canada having a death toll of 260 so let's keep the non-violent Canadian society aspect in check...Again, the Polytechnique massacre does skew the numbers quite a bit.


I grew up on a hobby farm, with goats, chickens, horses and rifles and learned to shoot by the time I was twelve. At one time we were having a fox problem, Dad coming back into the house declaring that the fox had killed another one of our turkeys or chickens. Dad took to leaving his .22 rifle out in the feed shed, all the quicker to access it if that fox ever came around, which it did.
On that day we were inside. Dad yelled 'Fox!' and raced out the door to the back, me trailing behind. I could see the silver-haired fox in the turkey pen, racing up and down the fence line, obviously trying to find the hole that he had came in. It knew it was in trouble. Dad pulled out the rifle and popped 10 quick shots off, firing like a movie star; just shooting as if a swarm of zombies were coming at him. He missed every shot and the fox was able to scamper through the hole and disappear.

Basebrawl! sadly enough...they can't even brawl right.

Baseball has a perception of being more boring than competitive fishing. Yet on occasion something potentially exciting happens and all hell breaks loose but yet...it doesn't. Here's a classic example from Thursday's game between the Padres and Dodgers. I've included a play by play of the events to watch for. I seriously cannot understand how baseball is considered more exciting than hockey. 

First, I really appreciate how the tone of the announcer doesn't change once 18 (Quentin) semi-stalks then charges the pitcher #21 (Grienke). "now. he. has. something. to. say. and. look. out. here." Sounds like a robot calling this game but the emotion in his voice, my god, man how could i not nearly stop to take another drink of my beer. It sounds like I'm watching a high-intensity crib game.

At .19 the announcer then goes on to explain why #18 charges the mound by saying;

"Quentin continues to amaze as he consistently gets hits by pitches."  Really? That's amazing? I nearly put wart burner in my eye yesterday but nobody would consider that amazing. Real Americans would have taken out a gun and shot that white guy and a few innocent bystanders for less.

then he goes on to say that

The Blue Brawlers Dynasty Hockey Pool; a candid review

First; the context of this post is from this week's current fantasy hockey pool standings with about 10 games left to play. It's year 3 of a 5 year pool when at the end, the winner gets some money. However, it's been so long i don't recall how much. 

This is for the few literate guys in my dynasty hockey pool that can read and a way to see if any of them are checking out this blog. Hopefully they have a sense of humour, it's hard to tell with some of this group. I will refrain from commenting on which team mine is but let's just say it's not in first. Or second.  Not in third or fourth either.

1st, *my contract sucks is a cocky mofo who i have known for years. He likes to use an * in front of his team name because he says it helps him spot his team quicker. Personally, it just reminds me that he's an asshole when it comes to trying to trade with him. But he's in first so he's doing something right. If i was in first, I would change my team name to 'I'm in 1st, Suckas!' but at least with he's showing that he's a player by referring to a recent sound bite; he probably gets TSN sportsdesk tweets on his twitter.  He's obviously up on current events and pays attention to what Bobby Lou is saying as he hugs his Bobby Lou full body pillow waiting for the day they can finally truly embrace.

2nd, CUNNING STUNTS. Right...how somebody with a name like this, which happens to the be the only team shouting, is in second place makes me feel shame that we have allowed a 17 year old boy to play this game among men. If he played hockey he would be #69 because he thinks it's clever. Now i know how J.S Giguere feels.

Just because it's a Wednesday...

Apparently not photoshopped, this is the NHL's version of 'Opposites'. The Big Guy needs no introduction, but for the record he stands 6'9. 

The little guy there is Buffalo Sabres Nathan Gerbe, this decade's Cliff Ronning, standing at 5'5.

the more i look at this the more questions i have...

yep...he has always been this tall...

Bieksa's probably saying "Eat Burrows first, he's wiry."

Gerbe and Chara in action, so...not photoshopped.

In my day, sticks didn't do that...

Bizarro NHL Notes

Random Notes on Another Week in the NHL 

BOBROVSKY!

BOBROVSKY! - Columbus's goaltender posted another shut out on Tuesday night, a 4-0 blanking of the San Jose Sharks.  This makes BOBROVSKY!s fourth shut-out, which ties him for the Columbus Blue Jackets shut out record, sharing it with all the other franchise goaltenders combined since their inclusion into the league in the year 2000, when nobody thought we would live past Y2K anyways.

Nobody was more relieved that James Reimer when
the two finally embraced and admitted their true feelings
to each other. Meanwhile, play continued.

As of today, April 10th, with less than 10 games remaining for most teams, the New York Islanders and Toronto Maple Leafs both are currently in the playoffs, which is causing Toronto sports shows call-in phone lines to go berserk in trying to have someone get Gary Bettman to have the playoffs start on Friday.

Ray Emery at work.

Ray Emery is currently 15-1 with 3 shut outs, which makes him only the 2nd best goaltender on the Chicago Black Hawks.

Alex Ovechkin has returned to form, which is scoring goals and is currently tied for the league lead with other Southeast division hotshot, Stephen Stamkos of Tampa Bay. Apparently it just took this long to get rid of Dale Hunter's influence on OV and for Coach Adam Oates (of Hull & Oates fame) to put him on the opposite wing, which is apparently causing havoc for goaltenders used to him shooting from only one side of the ice.

this photo captures the very last second John Tavares won anything
meaningful and his life was full of optimism. 

Speaking of goal scorers, the guy in 3rd place plays for another low expectations team called the New York Islanders (John Tavares). The highest goal scorer in the west comes from the LA Kings (Jeff Carter) and 7 of the top 10 are from the eastern conference with 2 Chicagoites, Toews and Kane filling it up for the west, which really tells us nothing about what it takes to be an elite goal scorer nowadays.

This has nothing to do with hockey.
It is a picture of the Canadian Prime Minister's cat, which i happen to think is
pretty awesome that it has more fans than me. 

Who looks like the 2013 Trade Geniuses; 1st Day on the New Job

It's always important to judge a trade by the very first game that the recent victims/rental players participate in with their new team. After all, they don't know anybody yet, nobody has tried to hit on their girlfriends and reporters are madly trying to get their first angle for a news story on the 'new guy'. So here's the immediate winners from the NHL trade deadline day;

Tampa Bay Lightning;

the O on his jersey could be called 'fore-shadowing'or 
amount of Lightning fans who had heard of Ben Bishop.

Ben Bishop earns a shut out with his first game of the Bolts, the first in new Coach Cooper's career with a 5-0 rout over the always dangerous Carolina Hurricanes, champion of both North and South Carolina.
Bishop stopped 45 shots for his first win for Tampa Bay which unfortunately means that unless he continues to post a 1000 save % for the rest of the season, there is nowhere to go but down.

I am extremely happy with you guys right now,
don't confuse this with my mad face.

New York Rangers

This team looks like geniuses right now (yes, tortorella is still their coach). Ryan Clowe gets 2 goals and an assist, Derek Brassard formerly of Columbus gets 1G 3A and John Moore also scores a goal in their first showing in Rangers uniforms. Clowe gets calls from Mark Messier asking to be in on the next photo op, but Clowe wisely declines.

The 2013 NHL Trade Deadline Recap (for realsies too)

so much hockey bullshit to feast on...

After a testosterone-laden 8 hours, the NHL trade deadline has passed with only one surprise to me; that  an old-fashioned real trade that could easily be emulated in certain hockey pools run by competent, efficient team managers that understand it takes something to get something. Unfortunately, I'm not in one of those types of pools so i will just have to sit back and wait for Edmonton to return to it's former glory.
Thankfully, Columbus and the New York Rangers did something that made waiting 6 hours for TSN updates worth it.

It was a busy morning as sports anchors and analysts tried to look busy in finding something to say about the deadline, as per annual tradition and it wasn't until near the end of the day that things apparently heated up. By then, GM's finally had responded to all their emails that had accumulated from various opinionated arm-chair coaches and did their thing.

Here's my few worthy observations;

Biggest Surprise of the Day; Marian Gaborik would waive his no-trade clause to go to Columbus
Maybe he just doesn't know where Columbus is (technically, neither do I) but it's a good fit; Gaborik can go score goals somewhere nobody has heard of him and Columbus gets that potential goal scorer to replace Rick Nash. Plus, Columbus is doing surprisingly okay this year with Bobrovsky in net, making Steve Mason expendable, which i will get to later.

The 2013 NHL Trade Deadline (for realsies)

It's that time of year again, which really has only really seemed to pick up speed since the last lockout; the
NHL Trade deadline.  It's a time where former NHL hockey players and team executives that are no longer considered employable give their opinions on Canada's sports networks on potential rumours and trades that may happen on the last day of the year's eligibility before the playoffs and helps explain why they are no longer employed by viable NHL franchises.

Damn it Quebec; We said viable NHL franchises

Of course, with the shortened schedule due to some lock out or something, nearly every team still has a chance to make the playoffs.  I'm not going to get into the specifics of how a team with 38 points will finish in 3rd place ahead of a team with 45 points because let's face it, if you are reading this, you probably have learnt to ignore the standings like me and just wait for the final day when it's all said and done.

So, back to the Trade deadline; which in Canada gets as much hype as the pre-game before the Superbowl. It should also be called "Man-Day" as that is pretty much all it is; men talking about other men joining other men for other men while they look into their smart phones where they will be receiving texts and sending tweets about every stupid rumour that can be dug up.

Speaking as a man, it is really quite silly and a complete waste of time.  It's the CNN equivalent of election coverage with a lot of people talking but really saying nothing.  So that said, i'm talking now about what's already happened.

1st - There really hasn't been any 'trades' in the last few years.  It's one thing to have 2 franchise players switch teams.  That's a trade.  Lately it's been predominantly 'future considerations' in the form of unproven players in the minors and/or draft picks which are unproven players in the minor minors.

Can anyone name who Jarome Iginla, Jaromir Jagr, Derek Roy, Douglas Murray, Brenden Morrow, Ryan Clowe, Jay Bouwmeester, Simone Gagne, Tim Thomas, Alex Ponivarosky, Mike Brown, Robyn Regehr have been traded for?

In fact, the only straight up trades in recent memory involved Kassian for Hodgson, 2 young players with potential but really still unproven.  Jeff Carter for Jack Johnson was a good old fashioned trade, but then again it involved a Sutter in Los Angeles and whichever local college graduate was running the Columbus Blue Jackets at the time.

Anyone hoping for a Luongo for Kessel trade or anything like that may as well shut off the tv and go outside.

Top Ten Most Likely Moments;