The DAD in me; On Rape of Her and Her and Her and Him
(Part 2 of 3)
In case you are just joining me in the middle of this trilogy of seriousness, be forewarned I've decided to take a short break from the lightness of Ogie and release some much needed Dad thoughts of mine into the cybersphere, of which we are all now apart of and always will be, whether we acknowledge it or not. In all this laughter and tears, some ideas trickle through. Some of the ideas I have discovered on the net are funny and great while some are embarrassingly awful but still give hope to the human race. Then there is other stuff that I don't understand why it's there.
...
This isn't starting the way I meant to.
Let's try again. Rape.
It's a vicious word, one that is not used too often in mass media these days, having given way to the much less specific 'sexual assault'. I don't know why the softer 'sexual assault' term has become more popular. Perhaps in respect for the victims. I don't know. But to me, it's still Rape. We all have an image that comes up when we hear that word. It's awful and upsetting. Now we think sexual assault and I don't quite have that same image; because the words are too all-encompassing. Rape is torrent of raging water, while sexual assault is just snow; we all know in theory it's water but without really knowing what kind of water it could be.
My wife told me tonight that my 3.5 yr old daughter said "I love Daddy but sometimes he tickles me too much."
I do. I love hearing her laugh, it makes me smile and I don't think you will find a dad anywhere that doesn't love the sound of their daughter laughing. To get her laughing I tickle her. Sometimes before bedtime I play '100 kisses' which is basically me smacking my lips smoochsmoochsmooch as a goodnight kiss around her face as she covers it with her arms, not letting me plant one (or 100) on her. She laughs and it makes me feel happy. I don't force her arms away, I just pretend that i am going to kiss her. Then i say I love you and good night and she gives me one little kiss and one big hug and i leave her to her dreams.
Yet in those words that she told her mom, I heard what she said: I'm making her feel uncomfortable because she is not in control of how her body is touched. She is feeling like a victim and I am the cause.
That was a tough sentence to write.
I have been thinking so much lately of yet another report of a teen girl that committed suicide. She was branded a slut for being photographed while being sexually assaulted by 4 teen boys. One or two of them decided to publicize the event because obviously to them, they didn't think that they RAPED her. Now she's dead because not enough people believed that she was RAPED. So instead of becoming the mother of a child, the other half of another's soul or the recipient of a loving father's hug, she's DEAD, another internet-influenced statistic that won't get resolved because some other crime will take over the front page. We will talk about how shameful it is and create shallow tributes and meaningful discourse about what needs to be done without talking about why it was done. Those boys felt it was okay at that time to do what they did. They lost their moral compass; the compass that kids inherit from their parents. This is another byproduct of what we created; a society of entitlement that doesn't teach (some of our) children the value of another child's body because, we as adults and especially parents have failed to relay that.
My daughter will grow up and I have a hard time not believing that her or more than a few of her friends will not be sexually assaulted or RAPED in some way. The only way I can think of to empower her against that happening is to know she is empowered to be in control of her body. And that starts with her central male figure in her life (me) respecting her right to have her body feel the way it wants to. So, no more tickling or 100 Kisses. It's an easy decision.
But I can't control what happens when she's with other boys her age as she grows up. I think I can guarantee any boy she takes an interest in will have seen some very vivid porn be it on purpose or through other peers. He may have some very wrong ideas about what sex is and who's body it ultimately is. He may choose to use other means available to him to get what he thinks he wants from her. He may have friends who want the same thing. They won't feel guilty about doing it unless their parents take an active role in giving them a good moral compass. That's where we come in, Dads.
If it's one thing that we can all agree the Internet has given us, it is Porn. All sorts of Porn. It invades every internet search of any type. If you decide to look up 'cuddling chipmunks' you are just as likely as to hit on two dudes banging on the top of a dump truck as you are a couple of actual tree rodents. It's an impossible tide to turn, our kids are growing up with it and it's becoming more obvious on how it is influencing how they see each other.
When i was younger, porn was pretty difficult to access if you didn't know where to look. Being a voracious reader, I found quite a few x-rated scenes among well-known best-selling novels in my parents' bookshelves. I may not really have understood what was going on in the reproductive sense but my body sure did. Actual pictures of porn were generally just nude pictorials and any actual graphic sex was rarely seen alone but with a group of guys in the back of the school yard that took turns laughing uncomfortably and making stupid comments to hide how uncomfortable they were. Basically, actually seeing video of at least two people having sex was pretty difficult to come by.
Today, 3o years later, I have seen and heard of way too many sexually deviant sex acts to even want to describe. I didn't see it to get my kicks, i saw it because I could. I first heard of 'furries' or 'plushies' (having sex while dressed as an animal) on an episode of CSI. I recently saw a reference to it on Community. When i grew up I witnessed the media fury when Mariel Hemingway kissed Roseanne Barr in the first 'primetime lesbian kiss'. I didn't get the deal at the time but now I can just google 'obese man in leather get whipped by another guy in a raccoon suit' and look at the video treasures awaiting me because the internet doesn't give a shit what it shows me.
Questions Parents Should Ask Themselves;
Have you ever talked to your child about sex?
If you are waiting until they are 'older' you probably have waited too long. Consider that once they hit elementary school, parents are no longer their number one source of information, it's those other older kids.
Do you check your computer's web history sporadically?
Google will tell you how to do that if you don't know how. Discuss any findings with your maybe-slightly-embarrassed partner first before accusing your children.
If you have found some porn in your child's possession/computer can you talk with them about what they have watched?
You need to do it as soon as possible, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. That's being a parent.
Can they explain the difference between rape and consensual sex?
This is very, very, very important. For everyone.
What would your child do if they saw or knew of someone not consenting to having sex?
Again, very, very, very important. For everyone.
Does your boy or girl know what to say or do if somebody/anybody touches them in a way they don't want to be touched?
"NO, It's my body!" is a great start. Discuss other things. Again, it's parenting.
Do you let your child play with other children that want to keep the door closed?
Keep with an open door policy at all times; be curious of missing sounds of play. You might trust your kid, but what about that other one?
I believe in sexual choice. I believe in uncomfortable explorations of your sexuality and flirting and having crushes and writing poems and being head over heels in love. I know my beautiful girl will grow up and become smitten with some boy who I can only hope will treat her the way I wanted her to be treated. I want her to lose her virginity in a way she wants to remember, not wants to forget and I especially don't want her choosing to forget it by taking her own life. That's NOT fucking fair if some other DAD fails to do his role of guaranteeing their boy treats my girl right because he hasn't been taught a good moral compass. We are parents for a reason and many of us forget that. We only have to pay attention to the world around us to see what we are guilty of. And then continue to remember it when it gets bumped by the next tragedy.
I believe sexual curiosity is a good thing but it has to be taken in context; the biggest being that it has to be consensual. It's unfortunate for girls to see or hear of another girl agree to have sex with 4 other guys. It normalizes it to a degree for both those teen boys and girls that are able to click on it; if not at their home, then guaranteed somewhere else. Porn via internet is available on a multitude of devices from cell phones to game consoles, bedrooms to school rooms. It's free flowing and never-ending.
The eskimos are said to have nearly 100 words for snow. That is what the words Sexual Assault have become, an Eskimo word for snow. Snow is is still fucking snow, Rape is still fucking Rape.
Let's be parents about this.
In case you are just joining me in the middle of this trilogy of seriousness, be forewarned I've decided to take a short break from the lightness of Ogie and release some much needed Dad thoughts of mine into the cybersphere, of which we are all now apart of and always will be, whether we acknowledge it or not. In all this laughter and tears, some ideas trickle through. Some of the ideas I have discovered on the net are funny and great while some are embarrassingly awful but still give hope to the human race. Then there is other stuff that I don't understand why it's there.
...
This isn't starting the way I meant to.
Let's try again. Rape.
It's a vicious word, one that is not used too often in mass media these days, having given way to the much less specific 'sexual assault'. I don't know why the softer 'sexual assault' term has become more popular. Perhaps in respect for the victims. I don't know. But to me, it's still Rape. We all have an image that comes up when we hear that word. It's awful and upsetting. Now we think sexual assault and I don't quite have that same image; because the words are too all-encompassing. Rape is torrent of raging water, while sexual assault is just snow; we all know in theory it's water but without really knowing what kind of water it could be.
My wife told me tonight that my 3.5 yr old daughter said "I love Daddy but sometimes he tickles me too much."
I do. I love hearing her laugh, it makes me smile and I don't think you will find a dad anywhere that doesn't love the sound of their daughter laughing. To get her laughing I tickle her. Sometimes before bedtime I play '100 kisses' which is basically me smacking my lips smoochsmoochsmooch as a goodnight kiss around her face as she covers it with her arms, not letting me plant one (or 100) on her. She laughs and it makes me feel happy. I don't force her arms away, I just pretend that i am going to kiss her. Then i say I love you and good night and she gives me one little kiss and one big hug and i leave her to her dreams.
Yet in those words that she told her mom, I heard what she said: I'm making her feel uncomfortable because she is not in control of how her body is touched. She is feeling like a victim and I am the cause.
That was a tough sentence to write.
I have been thinking so much lately of yet another report of a teen girl that committed suicide. She was branded a slut for being photographed while being sexually assaulted by 4 teen boys. One or two of them decided to publicize the event because obviously to them, they didn't think that they RAPED her. Now she's dead because not enough people believed that she was RAPED. So instead of becoming the mother of a child, the other half of another's soul or the recipient of a loving father's hug, she's DEAD, another internet-influenced statistic that won't get resolved because some other crime will take over the front page. We will talk about how shameful it is and create shallow tributes and meaningful discourse about what needs to be done without talking about why it was done. Those boys felt it was okay at that time to do what they did. They lost their moral compass; the compass that kids inherit from their parents. This is another byproduct of what we created; a society of entitlement that doesn't teach (some of our) children the value of another child's body because, we as adults and especially parents have failed to relay that.
My daughter will grow up and I have a hard time not believing that her or more than a few of her friends will not be sexually assaulted or RAPED in some way. The only way I can think of to empower her against that happening is to know she is empowered to be in control of her body. And that starts with her central male figure in her life (me) respecting her right to have her body feel the way it wants to. So, no more tickling or 100 Kisses. It's an easy decision.
But I can't control what happens when she's with other boys her age as she grows up. I think I can guarantee any boy she takes an interest in will have seen some very vivid porn be it on purpose or through other peers. He may have some very wrong ideas about what sex is and who's body it ultimately is. He may choose to use other means available to him to get what he thinks he wants from her. He may have friends who want the same thing. They won't feel guilty about doing it unless their parents take an active role in giving them a good moral compass. That's where we come in, Dads.
 |
| It looks something like this... |
When i was younger, porn was pretty difficult to access if you didn't know where to look. Being a voracious reader, I found quite a few x-rated scenes among well-known best-selling novels in my parents' bookshelves. I may not really have understood what was going on in the reproductive sense but my body sure did. Actual pictures of porn were generally just nude pictorials and any actual graphic sex was rarely seen alone but with a group of guys in the back of the school yard that took turns laughing uncomfortably and making stupid comments to hide how uncomfortable they were. Basically, actually seeing video of at least two people having sex was pretty difficult to come by.
 |
| Oh America, where would you be without dream pushers such as Lolo Weasel? Probably just running around, dressing and fucking like the rabbits you want to be. |
Questions Parents Should Ask Themselves;
Have you ever talked to your child about sex?
If you are waiting until they are 'older' you probably have waited too long. Consider that once they hit elementary school, parents are no longer their number one source of information, it's those other older kids.
Do you check your computer's web history sporadically?
Google will tell you how to do that if you don't know how. Discuss any findings with your maybe-slightly-embarrassed partner first before accusing your children.
If you have found some porn in your child's possession/computer can you talk with them about what they have watched?
You need to do it as soon as possible, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. That's being a parent.
Can they explain the difference between rape and consensual sex?
This is very, very, very important. For everyone.
What would your child do if they saw or knew of someone not consenting to having sex?
Again, very, very, very important. For everyone.
Does your boy or girl know what to say or do if somebody/anybody touches them in a way they don't want to be touched?
"NO, It's my body!" is a great start. Discuss other things. Again, it's parenting.
Do you let your child play with other children that want to keep the door closed?
Keep with an open door policy at all times; be curious of missing sounds of play. You might trust your kid, but what about that other one?
I believe in sexual choice. I believe in uncomfortable explorations of your sexuality and flirting and having crushes and writing poems and being head over heels in love. I know my beautiful girl will grow up and become smitten with some boy who I can only hope will treat her the way I wanted her to be treated. I want her to lose her virginity in a way she wants to remember, not wants to forget and I especially don't want her choosing to forget it by taking her own life. That's NOT fucking fair if some other DAD fails to do his role of guaranteeing their boy treats my girl right because he hasn't been taught a good moral compass. We are parents for a reason and many of us forget that. We only have to pay attention to the world around us to see what we are guilty of. And then continue to remember it when it gets bumped by the next tragedy.
I believe sexual curiosity is a good thing but it has to be taken in context; the biggest being that it has to be consensual. It's unfortunate for girls to see or hear of another girl agree to have sex with 4 other guys. It normalizes it to a degree for both those teen boys and girls that are able to click on it; if not at their home, then guaranteed somewhere else. Porn via internet is available on a multitude of devices from cell phones to game consoles, bedrooms to school rooms. It's free flowing and never-ending.
The eskimos are said to have nearly 100 words for snow. That is what the words Sexual Assault have become, an Eskimo word for snow. Snow is is still fucking snow, Rape is still fucking Rape.
Let's be parents about this.
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