- I finally gave up on this article, after 3 editors, 4 feedback letters and 2 much time spent. I'll put it here for now for your consideration and maybe later submit it somewhere else. If you have an idea of a website that may be interested in this, pls let me know via comments.
- 20th Century Fox
George Clooney's Monuments Men is set to be released this month, the true-ish story of a pack of maverick renegade loner art curators (5 nouns that never usually go together) on a top secret mission to save historical objects from the Nazis and kill some while they're over there. Barring the art side of things, the story line is reminiscent of The Dirty Dozen. The 1967 ensemble war movie was notable for its multi-ethnic casting of the time, ended the football career of all-star running back Jim Brown and created years extra work for most of it's cast. If you haven't seen it, stop what you are doing and download it now. We'll wait.
If you decide to forgo the movie, seeing as how you watched Inglourious Basterds and know how World War 2 really ended, some potential SPOILERS ahead.
The original Dirty Dozen were criminals first, soldiers second (Donald Sutherland a distant third). They were all recruited from military death sentences and given a chance to redeem their honor for themselves and America by accepting 'one last mission,' from which they'd never return . But on the plus side, they'd get to kill lots of Nazis. So in honor of the original, this is a list of the all-time Dirty Dozen, America's toughest, meanest military unit never to grace the screen in what would have been the biggest testosterone remake since The Expendables 3 with some notable exceptions.
For instance, Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Terminator and Conan The Barbarian, but he was also in Kindergarten Cop and Jingle All The Way. In later years he became a politician. Sylvester Stallone was Rambo and Rocky, but he once asked Dolph Lundgren to punch him for real in Rocky IV, resulting in him having to go to the hospital for four days as they tried to pull out his rib cage from his spine. So...no. Don't look for them because they aren't on the list.
And while there are some current tough guy actors who are continually assaulting people (looking at you, Alec Baldwin), they aren't renowned for playing as such on film, so they're also excluded. Finally, this list is very Hollywood, so no disrespect intended to someone like...say, Bollywood's Amitbah Bachan.
- 20th Century Fox
Where to start? This man pretty much uttered some of the most famous, cheesiest lines in movie history and any cult 60's science fiction movie worth watching stars Charlton Heston. His lines have sprinkled pop culture for decades from 'G-d damn you, damn you all to Hell!' to 'Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape', and the biggest spoiler line in history; 'It's not FOOD, IT'S PEOPLE!'. All his. Yet perhaps to most he will be remembered for the one line he uttered that wasn't from a movie, but from his real life role as the President of the National Rifle Association. With the increasing gun violence in America the NRA is often regarded as the last defense for Americans who wish to be able to defend themselves from other people with guns. 'They will have my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead hands'. At the time of his death he had a collection of more than 400 modern and antique guns and true to his word, there probably was some prying going on.
Born John Charles Carter, he took on the name Charlton Heston for his first movie role presumably as John Carter didn't sound manly enough (note to Disney) and never looked back. The man was a a timeline of testosterone throughout history, from playing one of the first manly men (Moses) to arguably the greatest slave of the Roman Empire (Ben-Hur) to one of the last men in the world (Neville in The Omega Man). Charlton Heston feared nothing, from Julius Caesar to a world run by Apes, and he knew his calling; to be the greatest, most dramatic actor ever. There was even a rumor started by this website right now that Futurama's great Calculon was based on the man's great acting abilities. Although to be fair, he probably suffered less amnesia.
11. Mickey Rourke
- Fox Searchlight Pictures
Out of all The Expendables, and with very little research on my part, Mickey Rourke is probably one of the toughest of the bunch in real life. Who else would give up his 80's sex symbol status after his breakout role in the semi-erotic 9 1/2 Weeks and the under-appreciated Angel Heart? Finding no personal fulfilment in being one of Hollywood's sexiest men, he decided to return to his first love, boxing, where he would repeatedly be punched in the face. He did this just so he could get a better perspective on life and where he fit into it.
He had previous experience in his youth before becoming an actor and was fairly successful in the amateur circuit, but you will find few people (much less millionaire celebrities) willing to enter the ring at the age of 39 and be paid only $250 for his first fight. He stopped early enough with his pride still intact, if not his matinee idol looks. His pro record was 6 wins (4 by knockout) and 2 draws. After those eight fights, he'd received so much punishment and he had to get reconstructive surgery, which left his once strong features a mess.
Despite passing on Bruce Willis's character in Pulp Fiction, Rourke found a new demand in more villainous roles and his eventual return to mainstream consciousness as Marv in Sin City and critical acclaim as Randy 'The Ram' Robinson' in The Wrestler. Not bad for a guy who thought getting punched in the face would be a good personal career move, I'm sure you'll agree.
10. Sam Elliott (And His Moustache)
- Universal Pictures
For the record Sam Elliott without his moustache is like a moustache without Sam Elliott behind it. Its performance alone in the amazing Roadhouse nearly overshadowed Patrick Swayze's amazing performance as Dalton in the late 80's buddhist-themed modern western. It was also the narrator in the Big Lebowski and went moustache-o-moustache with Ron Swanson's amazing 'stache in a recent Season 6 episode of Parks and Recreation. In a real-life Dirty Dozen situation, it's easy to imagine Elliott punching out a Nazi squadron before waxing his mustache philosophically on the futility of it all around the fire at night.
As with most of the actors in this list, Sam Elliott made a career out of cowboys and army characters, from his small beginnings as Card Player #2 in Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid to his role as General Ross in The Hulk (the one that everyone wants to forget) and his appearance as the Stranger in The Big Lebowski, Elliott's moustache has maintained a strong presence in movies for over four decades. More recently the man behind the moustache has started partaking in more voice-over work in NFL football and Dodge Ram Truck commercials in North America, with sadly not one Sam Elliott moustache in sight.
9. Jim Brown
- Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
Jim Brown is not only an original Dirty Dozen cast member, he lived the life of a hard-hitting, real violent, real racist American football career for nine years with the NFL's Cleveland Browns. After years of gridiron pugilism he moved on to the softer-living, more liberal-thinking fake violence of Hollywood. Mainly because the owner of the Browns told him he was going to be fined $1500 a week for missing the training camp, even if he was filming the Dirty Dozen. So instead of paying the fine, he simply retired and moved his muscles and reputation to Hollywood, where the pay and lack of racism and full body tackling was infinitely better.
He continued to play tough guy roles throughout the seventies and was at times said to be the 'first black action star' pushing the age of 'blaxploitation' cinema in the mid-70's. His characters are a who's who of toughness with names such as Slaughter, Gunn, Fireball, Stoker, Slammer, Lyedecker, Pike and perhaps the best name ever, Butch Meathook from the film Small Soldiers.
Hollywood didn't soften him up though. He even threatened to make a comeback in the NFL in 1984 if his all-time rushing yards was broken by Franco Harris, who Brown considered not worthy of breaking his record because he felt Harris ran out of bounds too much, which is decidedly anti-tough. You know, instead of getting mauled by the opposing team's defence, which is what real men do between steaks.
8. Vinnie Jones
- PolyGram Filmed Entertainment
Vinnie Jones, besides his now near-legendary introductory role as Big Chris in Guy Ritchie's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, was also the one who delivered the best (only?) quotable line in the X-Men trilogy, despite his few minutes of actual screen time. His no-nonsense style of introducing himself to Kitty Pride (complete with language you shouldn't utter to your mother) made for an instant quote among young, usually drunk males throughout the world. While he often plays thugs, hooligans or similar intimidating-type people with names like 'Bullet-Tooth Tony' or 'Brick' or simply 'Killer,' it's important to note that he was first and foremost a professional intimidating thug/hooligan type football player for nearly 15 years with Leeds United, Wimbledon and Chelsea.
He was considered one of the most aggressive midfielders of the pitch in the late eighties and early nineties, with a relatively famous picture shows him grabbing an opponent's junk with less than subtle grace. He was featured in a notorious football-related video called 'Soccer's Hard Men' which featured him and various other non-role model tough guys of the football field and dispensed advice on the less-than-sportsmanlike aspects of the game. This little foray cost him 20,000 pounds and he was given a six month suspension. He was sent off 12 times in his career and holds a record for quickest disqualification – three seconds into a game with Sheffield United, which is frankly astonishing when you consider we are talking about soccer here.
7. Sean Connery
- Jerry Bruckheimer Films
The original James Bond. It's said that even after 40 years since he last took out his license to kill (well, his official one, Never Say Never aside) they have yet to find the right man to make spy fans forget the original. He played Bond in seven films which resulted in him being named the third-greatest cinema hero by the American Film Institute, behind only Indiana Jones and Atticus Finch. Sir Sean has often been referred to as Scotland's greatest film export and made an amazing career out of the tough, no nonsense type of military-esque, father-type figures with incongruous accents that graced such classic films as The Untouchables to The Last Crusade with stops in the cult film Highlander, The Rock and Hunt for Red October to name but a few.
He's maintained a staunch low profile in recent years, enjoying his retirement despite the many, many requests to come back on the TV game show Jeopardy. One of his bigger controversies came during a Barbara Walters interview where he defended his stance on slapping women. However, this didn't seem to lessen his sex appeal to the masses. In fact, People Magazine named him Sexiest Man of the Century at the age of 69. Only Sir Sean could take a pro-domestic abuse stance and not face career suicide. Thankfully, he passed up the role of Gandalf in the Lord of The Rings trilogy, which was probably simultaneously the best and worst thing to happen to mankind. He's so tough that when he retired from acting in 2006 he stated it was because he was tired of dealing with 'the idiots now making films in Hollywood'.
6. Lee Marvin
- Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
He was the original squad leader of the Dirty Dozen, so when you're in charge of a dozen killers who have nothing to lose, you better be sure you pick the right guy to lead. Lee Marvin was that man, making him an immediate inclusion into the all-time Dirty Dozen. He was the prototype for the Hannibal character from the A-Team, only he actually shot people in film and in real life – he was a US Marine in World War II and received a Purple Heart after surviving a firefight that left most of his company dead.
Like a few others on this list, after the War he went to Hollywood where he found steady (but small) work usually as either a soldier, cop, or gang member in the burgeoning film industry. His star rose gradually – a small part in The Wild Ones, a TV show here, a movie there – but his strong, intimidating work playing heavies gave him a steady paycheck and a surprising Oscar for his work in the Western-comedy Cat Ballou put him on the A list in Hollywood. When Dirty Dozen came calling, it was Marvin who would be leading the charge.
He was so tough that in later years, when he was picked to pick Quint in Jaws, he refused because he heard he wasn't going to be fighting a real shark. His final movie role was leading the crack navy squadron Delta Force with Chuck Norris and in-keeping with his soldier-first, actor-second image, he's buried in the US military's Arlington cemetery where his headstone simply reads Lee Marvin, PFC US Marine Corps, World War II.
5. Danny Trejo
- Dimension Films
Danny. Friggin. Trejo. Not only does it look like this guy eats rocks for breakfast, he has the well-documented street credentials to back up that he was destined for a life behind bars – he's already spent 11 of his years in jail – if it weren't for Hollywood discovering that behind that scowl and score of tattoos was a personality his second cousin Robert Rodriguez could really work with. In 2013 alone, he had 20 credits in film and TV productions added to his name. Most actors are lucky to get four.
With a career that started roughly as being typecast as prisoners, thugs or people who get shot by Charles Bronson, it wasn't until Trejo's turn as Razor Charlie in From Dusk Til Dawn that the bigger breaks finally start coming. From Michael Bay's Con-Air to his starring role in Machete, Trejo is known not only for his sense of grounded-in-real-life humour but for also having never turned down a role if he could help it. Look for him to pass the Three Century Credit mark sometime early next year. However, I can't guarantee they'll all be good – for example in the recent (and doomed to SyFy) Ghostquake he spent the majority of his screen-time locked in a cupboard before going shirtless to wrestle a demon in the spirit world. Actually, that sounds pretty awesome.
4. Clint Eastwood
- United Artists
The Man With No Name, he was either Good, Bad or Ugly depending on your point of view. His filmography is littered with roles of cowboys, cops and army guys. He's killed more men on film than Jason has killed sex-crazed teenagers at Crystal Lake. The only thing missing in his Man's Man film career is boxing, which he still managed to get around to later on in life, albeit as a boxing coach/manager.
Eastwood has made a career out of a steely stare that could melt a cactus from fifty feet. He puts the 'mah' in macho. He got his big break in the TV show 'Rawhide' and never looked back. He's so tough they had to invent a new type of Western genre, just for him. They called it 'Spaghetti Western' because he told them to. Really. True story. Probably.
He perfected the 'tough, rules-be-damned cop' as Dirty Harry, back when law enforcement was a much simpler, less paperwork type of profession with it's shoot first, ask questions later policy. He showed he could play comedy in his Every Which Way But Loose turn as an orangutan-owning, fist-fighting, easy-going trucker which is still his biggest box-office success (considering inflation). There was a song named after him by Gorillaz, which went to #4 on the UK Singles Chart in 2001-02. He's had at least seven children through five different women and somehow manages to keep them all content and out of the tabloids.
He once even became mayor for a time, just to show he could do it. He last created a bit of fuss on the internet during the US Elections of 2012 when he decided to either sabotage or raise Mitt Romney's profile when he addressed the Republican National Convention and then had an eloquent, one-sided conversation with an empty chair. It was weird.
3. Chuck Norris
- Lionsgate
Surprise; the guy that the Internet was created for and the world fawned over with various metaphors of how tough Chuck Norris is only makes it to number three for a variety of reasons. For one, despite his martial arts pedigree he's spent a large chunk of his later acting life playing a guy named 'Walker, Texas Ranger' when he could have been playing someone named 'Kick Ass, Martial Artist'. He's been politically active (or idiotic, depending on your point of view) by endorsing George Bush and Newt Gingrich. Plus, his skill is karate, which as a certain super-spy named Archer points out is the 'Dane Cook of martial arts'.
After a short stint in the military that introduced him to martial arts, Norris trained religiously, becoming the winner of six National Karate Championships in a row. This gained him the attention of Bruce Lee who cast him as his nemesis in Way of the Dragon. The movie gained Norris international attention and jump-started his passion into acting or at the very least, teaching other actors martial arts. But Chuck is tough, really tough. He's drop kicked cars, he's trained with Bruce Lee and starred in movies with names that would make Stephen Segal salivate more than usual; Forced Vengeance, Missing In Action, An Eye for An Eye, Silent Rage. He's an 8th grade black belt. He has a killer moustache and beard combo. He served in the US Air Force. He's so tough he freely admits he's Christian and Republican, and will roundhouse kick any silly liberal who dares mock him for it. He openly donates and endorses whichever Republican candidate for president, from Newt Gingrich to Mitt Romney.
And oh yeah, he's so tough he never goes hunting as hunting implies possible failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Sorry, had to fit at least one in.
2. Bruce Lee
- Golden Harvest
Simply put, when you talk legends of not only cinema but toughness, you can't ignore the importance of Bruce Lee. It was rumoured that Oxford Dictionary was considering updating the definition of 'legendary' to state only 'Bruce Lee'. Bruce Lee was the key that made Hollywood producers salivate at the words 'overseas Asian market'. Cast as the sidekick Kato in the The Green Hornet TV series, he discovered upon returning to Hong Kong that it was referred to as 'The Kato Show,' with him as the star. Chuck Norris would not be Chuck Norris without Bruce Lee, who also helped kick-start the film careers of Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Jean Claude Van Damme
He made the 'martial arts' film into a billion dollar genre that still flourishes to this day. It has influenced such people from the comedy legends the Zucker brothers to Quentin Tarantino plus millions of scrawny, bullied American teens that signed up for martial arts lessons after seeing Bruce Lee fight the giant Kareem Abdul Jabaar in Game Of Death. He was the first true star of Asian descent to achieve the the highest honour in Hollywood – being given complete control of his movies, from story to directing.
David Carradine owes Bruce Lee his long career for being cast as the American Bruce Lee in the classic western/martial arts TV series Kung Fu. At the time of his death, Bruce Lee was in a legal battle with the studios that created Kung Fu as he maintained he had pitched the concept to producers who summarily stole his idea and cast Carradine in the role instead, who they thought would play better to Western audiences.
As for tough? When he found that he was becoming too manly for the 'ordinary' martial arts of the time, he developed his own style, June Keet Do which literally means 'The Way of the Intercepting Fist'. He was proof of the power of the one-inch punch, something most tough guys failed to believe until the video below. The only thing to keep Bruce Lee from kicking ass into the New Millennium was his surprising, legendary and premature death at the age of 32 of a brain aneurysm, only months after finishing his epic martial arts film, Enter the Dragon.
1. Charles Bronson
- Paramount Pictures
When a guy stars in five movies called 'Death Wish' over 20 years you know you aren't dealing with a guy who eats cupcakes and sips tea for breakfast. Plus, growing up as 11th of 15 children in a small mining town must have helped. Of Polish ancestry, Charles Buchinsky looked to have a bleak future ahead of him shovelling coal, which he started doing at the age of 10 after his father died. To repeat, he was shovelling coal at the age of 10.
Once again, World War II came through, pulling Bronson from the coal mines and into active service as an aerial gunner, where he would receive a Purple Heart. After the war he'd find work here and there, gradually working towards an acting career. His first small role would come in 1951 but soon there was no looking back. He changed his surname to Bronson at his agent's suggestion, fearing an Eastern European surname would be bad for future roles in the Red Purge of Hollywood.
His gruff, leathered face and all action/no talk persona made him a natural as the tough guy in all types of westerns, gangster and army movies. In 1958 he played the lead in Roger Corman's 'Machine Gun Kelly' and two years later was one of the Magnificent Seven, where he developed the reputation of being an on-set loner. He was so ballsy that on the set of The Great Escape he told fellow co-star David McCallum to his face that he was going to marry David's wife, Jill Ireland. He did just that six years later and they remained married for 20 years until her death of breast cancer. He was also considered 'too tough-looking' by John Carpenter to take on the role of Snake Plissken in Escape From New York, which went to Kurt Russell instead. To repeat, he was considered too tough to be Snake Plissken. That happened.
Oh yeah – SPOILER ALERT – of all the original Dirty Dozen, he was the only one to survive. He then ascended to Valhalla, which is something I totally didn't make up.
Feel free to adjust your rankings or make your case for others in the comments below.
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