The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team Sweden. Someone won.

WORLD'S GOVERNING BODY REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE TEAM CANADA SUPREMACY
(OR)
NEW WORLD ORDER REJECTED. STEVE YZERMAN RESIGNS

The Proposed New "Eh" Team (trademark pending)

The Female version of the "Eh" Team (trademark still pending)

It happened quickly. Minutes after Team Canada defeated Team Sweden for the Olympic Gold medal in hockey (the only sport that actually mattered), the United Nations quickly blocked a motion put forward that Canada be the only nation to resolve world conflicts in the best interest of all. The ramifications were immediate. The Ukraine stopped fighting and arrested their suddenly deposed President. The Egyptian government, put in power after the "not going to call it a coup" military railed against their democratically elected Muslim President also announced it's resignation. In Afghanistan nothing happened at all which was highly unusual, except someone fucked a goat. But nothing highly unusual.

The UN convening immediately after the Game to discuss the implications.

The five UN super nations with veto power (USA, Great Britain, France, Russia and China) acted quickly and dismissed the motion despite Canada's ambassador to the UN, Frank Mahovlich (Toronto Maple Leafs, Detroit Red Wings, Montreal Canadiens 1181 GP, 533 G 570 A 1103 PIM) offering to 'throw down' with any that were willing. Immediately upon hearing the news, Steve Yzerman, which was Team Canada's version of Nick Fury, stepped down as Executive Director.

Nick Fury, American style

Nick Fury, Canadian style. The eye patch was
considered too wimpy for Stevie Y.

After the celebrations ended and all but the most dedicated of hockey fans were nursing their Sunday morning hangovers, it was subdued throughout the great hockey nation. Perhaps the enormity of what happened hit them all at once; there would be no more day-late update. No more hockey discussion on if Marty St. Louis' feelings were hurt (joke - this will go on until the Trade Deadline). No more discussion on how many goals Sid Crosby would score (answer-1) and lastly, no more discussions on if Chris Kunitz should have been on the team (answer - yes).

The failed motion, which would have had the 25 NHL All-Stars (and Matt Duchene) go from country to country, resolving conflicts and reminding everybody that Canada was the best nation on Earth, period. Their world tour would include exhibition matches in the Ukraine, Syria, Egypt, Israel, Chechyna, Sudan, Iraq, Afghanistan, the Phillipines, United States, Mexico, and a long list of other countries facing political strife within it's borders.  Under the proposal, Team Canada would have played Team USA in each country, with the winner deciding what is best for that country. It was described like the Goodwill tours the Harlem Globetrotters provide with their hapless opponents, the Washington Generals.

While met with cheers from many of the third, second and first world countries, it was also met by vocal opposition, particularly the United States ambassador to the United Nations (hockey-related) Jeremy Roenick.

Jeremy in his prime

"Sure, I am for the idea of a Canada-US world tournament in theory but in practicality? Come on!" said Roenick, "why go through all that trouble to create ice rinks and assemble our top guys to play in hostile environments against those guys? The USA thinks it's best that we stick to what we do best; smuggling guns and bullets to the rebels, selling guns and bullets to the governments fighting the rebels. Let Canada do what it does best, staying out of other country's business and shattering the dreams of hockey players everywhere."

Henrik Lundquist, realizing that he will have to be content with
his NY lifestyle of good look, super-models, money, 2006 gold medal and hot wife

"Yeah!" said the Russian ambassador to the UN (hockey-related) and former NHL'r Ilya Kovalchuk, "and making the Timbits. Why not they send Timbits to everyone like good hockey nation?"

"We can't hear you," replied everyone in the Canada delegation, "we have these two gold medals stuck in our ears."

"Whatever," said Reoenick, "we still are the greatest sporting nation in the world. How many foreign countries have ever won the Super Bowl? The NBA championships? The World Series? Tour De France? None, so there."

When told Nic Backstrom was banned because he took an allergy medication,
Lance Armstrong suggested he get into biking.

When reminded that the Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series twice, the ambassador replied "No, they didn't." then walked away.

For their part, the five super nations key diplomats avoided eye contact with Mahvolich, instead choosing to call Gary Bettman and put in their own motion that no more NHL athletes be allowed to attend the Olympic Games. It was quickly amended to exclude all NHL athletes not of Canadian descent. Back in Sochi, IOC officials, sensing the trouble brewing, quickly shut down the Games and declared the competitions over, despite the ongoing competition in STD-related events among athletes.

A typical athlete greeting in the Olympic Village

In the Olympic village, the atmosphere was subdued as the world's wealthiest athletes were forced to abandon diplomatic relations mid-coitus as Russian authorities urged everybody out of their rooms to partake in a quick closing ceremony and evacuation of the Games site. Officially citing 'best interests of all' the Games ended as soon as Team Canada left the ice, leaving most athletes confused and more than a little angry.

"I was making out hot and heavy with this Norwegian cross country skier," said one French athlete through an interpreter, "and then these guys come in with their weapons and tell us to get dressed, the Games were over. I had no idea that they were going to end. Nobody told us anything."

The game itself turned out to be one-sided as Team Canada chose to again dress Drew Doughty. Team Sweden went with a confusing strategy, electing not to dress star players Henrik Zetterberg, the other Sedin, and in a surprise last minute scratch, Nicklas Backstrom. It was said that Backstrom had taken a Claritin a few days before and was still considered to be doped-up by IOC officials to play.  For it's part, Team Canada reminded everyone that they were playing without Johnathon Tavares which is like the 1980's Oilers reminding everyone that they were playing without Kent Nilsson when they won the 1988 Stanley Cup.

Team Canada with their equipment off;
clockwise from left Dan Hamhuis, PK Subban, Matt Duchene, Marc Vlasic,
Chris Kunitz, Drew Doughty and Cory Perry

Team Canada was quickly dismantled as soon as they left the hockey arena. The players were chauffeured out of the country on the first available flight as Russian look-a-likes were dispatched to fill up their seats during the closing ceremonies to avoid suspicion. Seeing as how Team Canada was flying with Air Canada, that meant they were delayed a further four hours in the Sochi airport/livestock barn as nervous IOC officials awaited news of their departure so they could continue with the rest of the Games in secret.

"I can't wait to get back to Montreal," said winning goaltender Carey Price, "there are so many reporters' faces that I am going to shove my gold medal into. I like the sound of that... winning goaltender."

At the other end of the boarding lounge was the complete opposite reaction from back-up goaltender Roberto Luongo.

"Please don't make me go back to Vancouver," he was seen begging one IOC official, "I'll do anything. I'll help clean up, I'll shoot all those stray dogs. Please, anything but Vancouver."

On a more humourous note, Sidney Crosby unaware of the tension around him, was seen skipping through the airport, throwing Timbits in all directions and shouting "I scored a goal, I scored a goal! Timbits for everyone!"

A typical Canadian family enforcing their moral superiority
on Sunday while waiting in line for Tim Horton's.