The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team Finland

TEAM CANADA PETITIONS TO CHANGE NAME TO DOUGHTY & CO.

(OR)

TEAM CANADA WATCHES DOUGHTY DESTROY WHAT'S LEFT OF TEAM FINLAND

Shouldn't someone go help out Drew?

It was all over as soon as Mike Babcock started lacing up Drew Doughty's skates before the pre-game skate but Olympic rules stated Team Canada still had to go out on the ice and wait for Doughty to decide when it was over. He has become hockey's Chuck Norris.

In what is the biggest story to come out of the Winter Olympics since this story yesterday on the Olympic village, Canada's #1 player hasn't been any of the other 25 NHL All-stars on the team but a defenceman that wasn't even picked to be able to make the Olympic team by one humble blogger with no NHL experience.

Drew Doughty decimated Team Finland, themselves decimated by NHL caliber injuries to NHL'rs Mikko Koivu, Valteri Filppula and Aleksander Barkov. Doughty controlled the puck at will, deciding when he would allow others to have the puck (ie; when he wasn't on the ice) and when he would score. Throughout the game Doughty controlled the play, like Godzilla fighting the Japanese army or Donald Trump deciding which Apprentice is the best ass kisser.

Finland at noon.

Realizing it was nearly time for free poutine night at the Olympic village, Doughty quickly sent Team Finland to line up for the Drew Doughty Fan Club by scoring early in overtime in what was clearly a mismatch of talent from the opening whistle, as Doughty lit up Team Finland at will. Which was twice.

The sole surprising good news for Team Finland was that Sami Salo has remained injury free through their first three games, a personal best for the experienced NHL defenseman and frequent health care abuser.

Sami Salo in his natural habitat

"It was pretty obvious who was the most dominant Canadian player on the ice today," said Johnathon Tavares, "and I for one am happy that for once it doesn't have to be me. I mean, i have enough of that type of stuff back in North America."

"I hear that," seconded Patrice Bergeron who added "The Olympics are about having fun and getting laid, not carrying the team on your back."

At that moment, Zdeno Chara stepped in to speak to Bergeron

"He's a difference maker, that's for sure." said Assistant Coach Ken Hitchcock, "I'm just glad that when he goes back to the NHL he will be playing for Darryl and his defense first philosophy. I'm a big fan of it. Especially for someone like Drew."

For his part, Doughty had only this to say after his one man wrecking crew tore through Team Finland like Taylor Swift tears through boyfriends, "Please don't make me go back to LA," he whispered.

While Coach Babcock's philosophy of allowing all of Team Canada's scoring in the tournament to come from Los Angeles King players who are notorious for their ability not to score, the rest of Team Canada isn't complaining.

"Look at me, look at me, look at me!" shouted Sidney Crosby after the game, jumping up and down "I got an assist on one of Drew's goals. I have things to say! TIMBITS!"

"I could score more goals than Doughty," added PK Subban, "but i can't because I'm not playing. It's not fair for anybody, especially me."

"Mr. St.Louis should be feeding me my breakfast," also stated Matt Duchene, in a surprising turnaround in attitude from earlier in the week after playing in his second straight game, "after all, I'm the one that is holding Ryan Getzlaf's water bottle, not him."

Far in the corner, used to being shunned was fellow August non-sure thing Patrick Marleau, who has quietly picked up four assists in the tournament and finds himself tied in the lead in the category.

"That's okay," sighed Marleau. "it's no different than when I play with Big Joe back in San Jose. I mean, who cares about the assists guy, right?"

At that moment, Joe Thornton stepped in to cry on Marleau's shoulder.

Thanks to Doughty, Team Canada now has until Wednesday to find out if anyone other than Drew and LA teammate Jeff Carter will score.

"Sure, it's been nice for Drew and me," said Carter, "and Shea is enjoying things too, but really we were picked for our defensive abilities, so it would be nice if some of the other guys would step up. If this continues, someone from LA might actually do a story on us, and I don't know if the Kings could handle that sort of attention. I mean, most have already forgotten that we won the Stanley Cup two years ago because, well, you know, the Robocop reboot came out this weekend."

It's true. This happened.

"Hey, can you mention that I played too?" added power forward Rick Nash, "I can prove it, I got an official Olympic penalty as proof, I just need someone to photocopy it. Where's Zuccarello?".

Drew Doughty plays the winner of either Latvia or Switzerland on Wednesday (Olympic time).

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