The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team "Latvia"

TEAM CANADA DESTROYS ODDLY FAMILIAR-LOOKING LATVIAN TEAM

(OR)

TEAM CANADA PETITIONS OLYMPICS IN REGARDS TO TED NOLAN'S CITIZENSHIP

Latvia's Near-Victory Parade,
Pictured; Latvian President for Life, Head Marshall and Team Goaltender Kristers Gudlevskis
with a few of his bodyguards

Everywhere a Canadian reporter looked for post-game interviews following Team Latvia's triumph of the will but not scoreboard over Team Canada, losing 2-1, there were familiar faces. Problem was they were all inside the Latvian dressing room. And they weren't Canadian, so the official statement said thereby all interview requests were denied.

"The peculiar similarities between the Latvian team and some of the players we know and play against in the NHL were oddly familiar. I mean the resemblance was uncanny." said Patrick Marleau, "Their number 19? He totally looked like Joe Thornton with his beard shaved off. He even said 'Hi, Pat' to me on a face-off."



The uncanny resemblance of certain Latvian players was a topic throughout the game and perhaps contributed to Team Canada not piling up the goals in what should have been a blow-out of Denver Broncos-in-the-Superbowl type proportions. The entire roster looked like a who's who of controversial Team Canada cuts or omissions including players vaguely resembling less macho versions of Claude Giroux, Jason Spezza, Joe Thornton, Mike Green, Dan Boyle, the entire Staal family, Steve Ott, Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, another Dan Boyle, and even one very suspicious and very fast right winger who looked a lot like Stephen Stamkos but with a fake nose, moustache and glasses.

All Latvian players used donated NHL sweaters in their national leagues
(seen above, the Diglenetov Oilers jersey)

Serfigi Bassli of the Verrntynik Flyers

"That's impossible," said Marty St. Louis as he waited for Matt Duchene to finish untying his skates, "I called Stammer during the game and although I got his answering machine, the message said it was because he was watching the game. Not playing in the game, just watching. So there you go. And just because that one guy looked like Teddy (Purcell) and the other one like Ryan (Malone) or that Eric (Brewer) look-a-like doesn't mean it was them. The world is a big place you know. Like did you know there even was a place called Latvia? I didn't know there was one until the schedule came out."

"I don't know what to say other than if Brad Richards ever grew a moustache, he would look a lot like their 2nd line center," said Johnathon Tavares, looking over his injury insurance waivers form and weeping. "Really, there were a lot of guys out there with moustaches. Too many, really."

While Latvia records and Olympic concession tabs indicate that they have been in the last 2 Olympics, that was only one of the many surprises to happen in the game. While technically, Buffalo Sabres forward Zemgus Girgensons is listed as Latvia's only NHL player, the rest of the Latvian squad had some amazingly close ties to the NHL including the four Latvian Stals brothers, led by eldest brother 'Juris' whose more famous cousins play to varying degrees in the NHL; The Staals.

"We played hard, because we had much prove yes. No like Stevie Y. We small country. Canada big. Much choose from. But not me...cousins. Me no not why. Hockey." muttered Juris before being pulled back in the dressing room by Coach Ted Nolan.

The super-tall Stals brothers at home in Latvia City

"Look, the Olympic rules state things. I don't know what they are but I'm here, I'm coaching and I have an official Latvian birth certificate. You can go to Latvia and see the real thing if you want."

When asked what the capital of Latvia was and how to get there, Nolan responded "Latvia City. And you get there with hard work, getting no respect and knowing the secret password to our internet chat room. The best thing about Latvia is that nobody can fire me because me," he added before going to accept his Circumventional Medal of Honor from the Latvian people, "me big-time Latvian hockey mind."

Who else was biting into the controversy? Made more controversial by Team Latvia's official team hand-out that states their location as "close to Borat's country" and the official language as "Latvian", Latvia didn't allow any players to speak to the press after the surprisingly close game that saw the 26 NHL Canadian all-stars again wait for Drew Doughty to make a difference so that they could move on against Team USA in the semi-finals.

It didn't help this guy kept pointing at the Canadian media
 if they neared the Latvian dressing room.

The 2-1 score was a hard fought win for Team Canada who peppered the Latvian goalie for 155 shots and finally beaten by Shea Weber (assisted by Doughty of course) for the go-ahead goal in the third. The goalie, an unheralded tall 6'4 man with dark hair and wearing pads similar to Chicago goalie (and Team Canada cut) Corey Crawford became a national hero during the game with his amazing ability to block nearly everything shot his way, even if it was by Drew Doughty.

Officially his name was Kristers Gudlevskis and not only is that apparently a real name, he was rewarded for his performance with the immortality of having his face printed on official Latvian currency which was available for purchase between the 2nd and 3rd period. Maple Leaf General Manager Dave Nonis charged the ice during the post-game handshake and signed the stellar goaltender to a standard entry level NHL contract with the Leafs, guaranteeing he will never be seen in the NHL.

'Not Corey Crawford' stated the official press release
sent out by Latvia before the game.

"I could swear..." started Johnathon Toews before he was nudged gently by his mom, "I mean, I wouldn't swear but their goalie plays a lot like our guy in Chicago. I mean, A LOT."

"TIMBITS!" screamed Sidney Crosby from the corner of the dressing room, where he sat alone, his goal-scoring slump reaching Vancouver Canuck-type proportions.

Lost in the controversy was that Team Canada, averaging an Olympic self-esteem destroying two goals a game now plays against a strong Team USA, averaging 26 NHL All-stars and 4 goals a game.
Coach Babcock isn't concerned.
"Do they have Drew Doughty? No? So it's all good. Enjoy the game."

Another former NHL head coach weighed in on his opinion of the upcoming semi-final tilt.

"Team USA is just a watered-down version of Team Canada. So they've scored more goals, looked more confident, have Phil Kessel and Jonathon Quick. Once Phil sees a Maple Leaf, he will return to his old habits, which is losing," said a disgruntled Ron Wilson before he disappeared back into the Russian shadows.

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