5 Things Not To Do On A Talk Show (12)

rehash from a previous article. Saved for posterity...

You finally made it to the big leagues for whatever culturally relevant thing you have wanted to bring to the masses, be it your movie, music, love of being nobody relevant; the TV wasteland awaits you. Your publicist has arranged a few choice outings to go and ‘get your name out there’ but did your publicist provide a guideline of what you can and cannot do in front of a television camera? Probably not. Or maybe they did. It depends if your publicist is your mom’s best friend or a professional mover and shaker.

If it’s the former, no worries. WhatCulture has you covered with these 5 basic rules that have been established through time immemorial (so about, 1976) in regards to how you should act when your persona is being beamed out through the cosmos through a magical process that has yet to be scientifically explained or proven but in which we take for granted happens. That is the magic of television; we really have no true idea what is going on, just what it shows us.

Lessons for when you become famous;

5. Don’t Drink The Entire Mini-Bar Before Going On Stage
Case in Point; Oliver Reed on ‘Aspel and Company’

Before his death in 1999 during the filming of Gladiator, Oliver Reed was a legend in certain circles for his unpredictability and penchant for partying ironically like it was 1999.  He was certainly in his prime during this talk show appearance back in 1987 where he comes out like your drunken uncle at Christmas and busts a move for the audience before finally taking a seat so he can better grope and ogle the female co-guests.

Oliver Reed is something of a legend in British circles and made a fair ripple in America as well. He fell dangerously close to being a caricature of himself and for most people it was impossible to see where Oliver Reed the ham ended and Oliver Reed the ‘grab life by it’s balls’ started. It was reported that he was brought on to tv shows to liven things up, and producers would make sure his dressing room would be stocked with the finest liquors available.

He once caused a small uproar when attempting to kiss feminist writer Kate Millet on a program called After Dark, uttering the phrase for all to hear ‘give us a kiss, big tits. However, in the biography of Reed, Evil Spirits, it is theorized that Reed was ‘acting’ the part of a drunk on behalf of producers who knew a good drunk Oliver Reed was a guaranteed boost in the ratings. And a guaranteed boost in the ratings kept for a good drunk Oliver Reed.

4. Not Letting David Letterman Know You Are Coming ‘In Character’ Then Put The Interview In Your Movie
Case In Point; Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman

The concept of being interviewed as the character in your upcoming movie is nothing familiar. Made most famous in recent memory by Andy Kaufman and his annoying lounge singer persona Tony Clifton and then reintroduced to a wider, larger audience by Jim Carrey in Man on the Moon. ‘Character’ interviews help to make an otherwise dry, repetitive interview somewhat entertaining for everybody involved. Will Ferrell has made a second career of it, Sasha Baron Cohen has blended his iconic Ali G and Borat into cult phenomenons. But when it’s done wrongly, well that’s just embarrassing.

Back in 2009 Joaquin Phoenix went on the David Letterman Show looking like a hippie who just came from a funeral and had no idea what he was there for. Purportedly on to plug his new-found rap career, he instead appeared to be taking lessons in civil discourse through Charles Bukowski as he is today (he’s dead). A dead Bukowski or an even better example, Mickey Rourke, would come off as extremely gregarious compared to Phoenix during the segment. Letterman, being no stranger to the odd guest coming on his show, waded through the awkward segment of pauses and mumbling like the professional desk jockey interviewer he is. After it was announced by Phoenix and Casey Affleck (Ben’s brother) that he was just doing a bit ‘in character’ for the Ben Affleck’s brother directed movie “I’m Still Here” David was more than a little pissed off and called in his lawyers.

When the segment was featured in Phoenix’s little-seen movie Letterman sued the actor and production company involved, as he had not given his permission for his likeness to be in the movie. Phoenix was invited back to apologize live to David, where he was forced to eat a little crow and do his best not to look uncomfortable to the actual face of a multi-million dollar lawsuit in front of him. When Phoenix asked if they could discuss a settlement privately, Dave suggested a spot where nobody would see them, like one of their screenings.  Burn! Game, set and match, Dave.

3. Not Taking Your Medication Before Engaging In A Gun Control Debate With Piers Morgan
Case In Point; Alex Jones on Piers Morgan on CNN

For those that don’t know Alex Jones, he’s the poster boy of the American Conspiracy Brigade; his infowars.com website is the spot to go to suffer a brain aneurysm if you are into that sort of thing. He really hit the full-crazy steam button after the 9/11 attacks and has been spouting his views to anyone who will listen or just is too lazy to get up and change the internet radio frequency.

Jones and similar ‘MURICA! people like him created an online petition to have Morgan deported due to his stance on gun control and replacing Larry King. This subject is barely addressed on the show as Jones is more concerned with trying to put 10 hours of New World Order Conspiracy Theory into a span of 15 minutes.

His rapid-fire delivery, crossed with a complete inability to appreciate social cues make this interview a complete fuck-fest for lovable ex-Brit Piers Morgan. Morgan wished to engage in a civilized debate over American gun culture after the Newton Massacre and those that thought he should be deported from America because of his anti-gun viewpoint.

Watching the video you can see the exact moment when Morgan loses control of the interview; which is basically when he allows Jones to start talking. And he does. And he continues to do so, rambling on and looking at what appears to be a report he just printed off the internet about how great guns are. Morgan continually tries to redirect Jones into having a discussion with him to little avail, as if somehow even the mere thought of Jones answering a pre-determined question is a governmental conspiracy worthy of Fox Mulder.

2. Offering To F@#% The Other Guest Because She’s Whitney Houston
Case In Point; Serge Gainsbourg on Champs Elysees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMdXi6f5KRg

(embedding disabled by request) says youtube.  

Serge Gainsbourg was before my time and he has quite the wikipedia page of his accomplishments. I skimmed through it and basically got the impression he was the French Dean Martin. A social butterfly and darling of the talk show circuit he was to smoking cigarettes and France what Dean Martin was to drinking martinis and Johnny Carson.

In 1986 Serge was invited on Champs Elysees, a French TV show hosted by Michael Drucker to partake in conversation with the recently famous, pre-Bobby Brown and still beautiful Whitney Houston who spoke no French. Serge, ever the gentleman told her in English that he would like to …. well, let’s just say he certainly wasn’t a racist. Drucker tried valiantly to pretend that Serge didn’t say something that would get most men facing a sexual harassment lawsuit to little avail.

Watching the video, you can see Whitney just sort of sitting there like a stunned gazelle to Serge’s leering lion. It is only the promise of a cigarette (which was still permitted on Tv in those days) does he switch affections. Poor Whitney.

1. Attacking The Host Because He Is Deliberately Insinuating You Are A Girl
Case In Point; Jim Everett vs. Jim Rome

To be fair; the host (Jim Rome) had it coming. This is a story of two Jims that nobody really remembers, unless they are into their sports tv show trivia. Jim Everett was once a struggling quarterback of a struggling American football team called the Rams and Jim Rome was a struggling sports talk show host with little credentials to the sporting world except being able to struggling read from the teleprompter.

Back in 1994, Jim Everett was invited onto Rome’s ESPN sports show; Talk2. Rome had little respect for Everett and had on-air repeatedly referred to him as ‘Chris’ Everett, after the famous female tennis player. Effectively, the non-football playing Jim Rome was calling the football playing Jim Everett a girl because he didn’t like getting tackled by a large group of 11 big, angry men who were paid to hurt him.

Before going on the show, Everett warned Rome not to insult him by referring to him as a girl. Rome did. Everett warned him again on camera. Rome, feeling safe behind his tv camera audience and desk called him a girl again.  Everett said stop, Rome said it again. Everett went all mini-hulk and overturned the table between the two of them and shoved Rome to the floor while the cameras rolled. Although no lawsuits were filed (the nineties were a gentler time then) the wounds never healed. Everett retired in 1997 and Jim Rome can always watch those few seconds and see when his talk show jumped the shark.