The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team "America"

TEAM AMERICA PERFORMS SMALL MIRACLE - KEEPS DOUGHTY OFF SCORE SHEET, 
STILL LOSE

(OR)

TEAM CANADA DEFENDS NATIONAL HONOR - AMERICA HAS TO KEEP BIEBER

Highest stakes since 1987

It was labelled as perhaps the biggest rematch in Olympic hockey history in the last four years. Team America, averaging a blistering 5 goals per game in the 1st round of the 2014 Olympics, was out to redeem themselves against their Northern Nemesis, Team Canada. Their last meeting was another scar on the American Winter Olympics psyche, losing a tense, action-packed gold medal game in Vancouver in 2010. The Americans were looking for redemption. Team Canada, averaging a stellar 1 Drew Doughty goal per game in the 1st round, were trying to fulfill every Canadian's wish to keep Justin Bieber in the United States.

The teams circled each other warily for 60+ minutes, with both teams refusing to even enter their respective dressing rooms until the other went first. It was a game heavy on a defense-first and only mentality as both teams used their considerable offensive talent to continually hold the door open for their defensive corps and try to catch up to them when they were in the offensive zone. Both teams worked equally hard at boring the other team and countries enough to force someone to make a mistake. Unfortunately for the fans, with both teams heavy on NHL talent, a boring, repetitive by-the-numbers game was exactly the type of game they watched.

"It was just like the first half of the year," said Cory Perry, "only without the scoring."

A member of Team USA keeping Drew Doughty from
leaving the bench, San Fran style

Drew Doughty, in his usual charitable manner continually asked for someone else to be the hero seeing as how he's already wrapped up the MVP award. Jamie Benn answered Drew's call, as he tipped in a Jay Bouwmeester shot 1/2 way through the second period past Johnathon 'notQuickenough'. It was the only goal the Canadians would need or want and it was enough to earn them a berth in the gold medal game on Sunday with Sweden, a team heavy in Swedish players.

"I saw Jay winding up to shoot, and knowing he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn I imagined where a broad side of a barn would not be and went there," said goal scorer Jamie Benn, "As I expected I was in perfect position to deflect his shot into the net."

When it was suggested that Bouwmeester actually was passing him the puck, Benn smirked and replied with appropriately placed air quotes, "Yeah, right. He was 'passing' me the puck."

Obama was slightly confused as to why
 Harper asked him if he liked overalls.

The game was the equivalent of the US-USSR Cold War, with both sides overstocked with major goal-scoring arsenals that were never put to use. In what turned out to be an emotionally distant affair, only Matt Duchene seemed to show any emotion throughout the game.

"Look at me, Mom!  Mom!, I'm on the ice!" you could hear him cry in the rather subdued stadium, the tears of the Russian players and fans still soaked in the heated seats from their elimination from the gold medal game hours earlier, "I'm skating, I'm skating!"

Ryan Kesler maintained his streak of never winning the Big Game while also maintaining his record-setting pace of looking hurt on the bench after he was hit by a flying Timbit. As usual he blamed the referees for failing to penalize the offending player.

"Look, we all knew who it was. There was only one guy out there with a box of Timbits. An example should have been made of him but we all know which way the ice was slanted," he said before tripping over a microphone cord and clutching at his knee.

Immediately after this, Kesler went down with an upper body injury

In the Team Canada dressing room, the excitement was as palatable as a five-day old egg salad sandwich from Timmy's. When Coach Babcock was asked for the 1 millionth time if the lack of scoring bothered him, he was forcibly restrained from choking the reporter.

"Timbit?" offered Sidney Crosby from under his stall to anyone who would listen.

Sid's Timbits hockey jersey

As for Captain Canada, Drew Doughty was continuing to bask in his Tournament MVP trophy he was going to receive on Sunday after he beat Team Sweden.

"I tell you, I couldn't have done any of this without the rest of the guys. I mean, if someone else would have stepped up it might have been helpful but Jeff and I decided that it would be best for Darryl (Sutter) and the LA Kings to remind them that we play a pretty good offensive game too."

Not for Canada!

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