The Olympics Day Late Update - Team Canada vs. Norway

CANADA DESTROYS NORWAY IN OLYMPIC HOCKEY!

(or)

NHL ALL-STARS OBLITERATE MATS ZUCCARELLO AND FRIENDS

Team Canada upon hearing that Team Norway showed up for the game

 The defense of the Olympic gold medal in hockey started yesterday or today (I'm not familiar with the international date line) with Team Canada, perhaps the most dominant team ever, barring your fake EA NHL all-star team, taking on Norway. In a match reminiscent of the German blitzkrieg of Poland (who both coincidentally didn't qualify) the Canadian favourites devastated the self-esteem of the country best known for it's calendar content exports, 3-1.

self-esteem; Still OK.

This wasn't a game to taken lightly, as most everyone on the Canadian team repeated to the one lost Japanese tourist and assembled Canadian reporters. Everyone was in a good mood after, as everyone spent most of the time asking for autographs and selfies with the assembled all-stars.

"Sure, we may be the best Canadian players in the world and we would still be getting paid millions of dollars if we weren't here anyhow, but they had Mats Zuccarello, and he's someone we didn't want to take lightly. said Chris Kunitz, adding "Did that sound believable? You're going to write that down, right?"

"Plus, he has a lot of friends on that team. Friendship means a lot in hockey. I mean look at me, without Sid, I'd never be here."

Kunitz then waved enthusiastically to Crosby who was surrounded by a bodyguard of TSN reporters and didn't see him, which is highly unusual for him.

"Sure, I know Mats," said fellow NY Ranger and for some reason returning Olympian Rick Nash, "he has to hold the door open for me when I enter or leave the dressing room. He's pretty good at it. For a Norwegian."

Zucs introduces the Rangers Mandatory Group Hug Sessions
to Norwegian teammates

Mike Babcock also tried not to dwell too much on the annihilation of Mats Zuccarello and his Norwegian counterparts. He did know that defending against Mats would be key to success as the left winger has played occasionally in the NHL over the last 4 years, earning 26 goals and 58 assists in the process.

"Don't forget he is the current first line favourite of Rangers coach, Alain Vaigneault, so you can bet he will be in a pretty good mood," said Babcok, adding "It's my job as coach to make sure that we had everybody committed to guarding Zuccarello at all times. Just because I have the 26 best Canadian-born players that happen to also play in the hardest, best, most profitable league in the world doesn't mean that we were taking Mats, I mean, Norway lightly. This is a serious game with lots at stake and we know we have a job to do; to provide sound bites and highlights for hours and hours of meaningless analytic hockey talk among middle-aged unemployable former NHL'ers and sports anchors."

Asked to elaborate, Babcock said "No."

Matt Duchene was willing to talk more about the game with anyone who would listen to him, despite nobody asking him questions.

"I mean, what the hell, right? Not like I'm going to be a factor here. So far my biggest responsibility is feeding Mr. St.Louis his pre-game blended banana oatmeal mix."

In regards to their match against the Scandinavian team that is known for not being Sweden, Finland or even Denmark, the boys in Red and White looked like a juggernaut of epic proportions, the only thing keeping the score from going into the triple digits was the play of Mats himself.

Matt Duchene at the ready

"Oh, he was a threat, all right," said Duchene, "with a name like Mats, how could he not be? Just look at all the famous Mats that have played in the NHL. It was a difficult psychological roadblock for the guys to get past. Mats Sundin, Mats Naslund, Mats Zuccarello. I mean, you can see it too right?"

"I wish I had a S at the end of my name," he sighed.

Team Canada got goals from everybody but for some archaic international Olympic regulations, only Drew Doughty, Shea Weber and Jamie Benn were credited with goals on the official IOC scoring chart.

"I guess they were worried about running out of space so it was decided that for every 10 goals we score, they would only credit us with 1 goal," said Duchene, "that's what I heard, anyways. I was kinda busy putting on Mr. St.Louis' Depends."

In a major controversy that has yet to start brewing internationally, goaltender Carey Price was charged with allowing a goal. He was immediately crucified by the Montreal media and now has to watch Roberto Luongo from the bench as Team Canada takes on Team Austria in their second match.

Luongo will have to dig deep to block out memories of every other high pressure game that he has ever been involved in as Team Austria is three deep with NHL talent; New York Islanders Michael Grabner (who has lit up the NHL with 9 goals this year) and Thomas Vanek (19 goals and already the biggest prize of upcoming Unrestricted Free Agent Day). Philadelphia Flyer fans who are able to work a television set will finally get to cheer on their team's stick-boy, Michael Raffl (7 goals), the only other NHL player that hails from Austria, birthplace of Hitler.

So, fuck those guys.

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