The National Hockey League is Crazy; What you Need to Know About the 2013 NHL Season (2)

-rejected by some websites, lost it in my back drafts so may as well publish it here for some love.



Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.

Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.

In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey's greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to...

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;

All you need to know is this; The NHL is crazy. There is nothing rational about it, either on the ice or off. It was the subject of the greatest sports movie ever made, and has some of the best haircuts ever. It once had two players that dominated the sport like no other athlete has ever dominated a sport yet they played at the same time. Imagine Maradona and Pele playing at the same time, and on occasion even on the same team to defeat the world's worst military superpower and #2 hockey nation (no, not America, the other one).

The Easy Stuff; 

The regular season starts in October, is 82 games long, and lasts for about six months.
Playoffs start in April and go for about three months. There is no 'one game take all' playoffs; this is all about maximizing owner revenue so the teams are forced to play four rounds of best-of-seven's, which in reality is quite brilliant. The first team to win four games over their opponent moves on to the next round and possibly gets a break while waiting for their opponents to inflict maximum pain on each other.

The NHL. What you Need to Know. Part 1 of 4

The NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month.

Here is what you need to know about this year's teams, all anxious to try to relive the pace and glory of last year's shortened 48 game season by starting 4 months earlier and returning to an 82 game (give or take) schedule.

The NHL continues to make a mockery of consistent rules, divisions and Canadian hockey fans by continuing to allow teams to play in such tropical destinations as Florida, Texas and Arizona where one can see a professional hockey team for cheaper than attending a local high school's drama class production of Oklahoma.

where the hell is the Smythe area of North America?

Gone are the six divisions that meant nothing for the last 20 years replaced by four divisions that still mean nothing. The new structure still means each conference will have 8 teams that qualify for the playoffs but in keeping with it's unusual scoring system, the following method will be used to keep fans confused until the final days of the regular season when they learn if their team has qualified or not.

From NHL.com; 

The top three teams in each division will make up the first 12 teams in the playoffs. The remaining four spots will be filled by the next two highest-placed finishers in each conference -- regardless of division -- based on regular-season points. It will be possible for one division to send five teams to the postseason while the other sends three.

The seeding of the wild-card teams within each divisional playoff will be determined by regular-season points. The division winner with the most points in the conference will be matched against the wild-card team with the fewest points; the division winner with the second-most points in the conference will play the wild-card team with the second-fewest points.

Simple. And how does a team get these points to qualify for the playoffs?

Just nod and move on...

A team gets 2 points for a straight-up win. If both teams tie, they each get a point. They play a 5 minute overtime session, at which time each team is minus 1 player. If someone scores, the winning team gets 2 points and the losing team gets 1 point. If nobody scores in extra time, the teams go to a shoot out where players take turns trying to score on breakaways (much like a penalty kick). If they score, that goal doesn't count as a goal on their point totals but their team could win, as long as the other team doesn't score. Eventually, everyone gets bored and they all go home and wait for the NHL statisticians to tell us what happened.

As I said you don't really need to worry about it. Chances are your team will just make or just miss the playoffs thanks to the league's continual attempt to ensure team parity. Just pick a team then come back in April.

On to the teams!

NHL - PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE HOCKEY NOT HOCKEY

In this little pre-season brew-ha-ha, one thing is for certain; the NHL rules committee is getting drunk on it's own stupid power. I sorta get the goalie pad thing but don't get the over-the-glass thing. I don't understand being able to face wash someone but not get punched in the face for doing it. There definitely should be no-touch icing but instead they decide to worry about head injuries that may be related to fighting.

I'll let you watch the video before we comment on the peculiar beginnings to it.

Did you notice the way that they hugged each other at the start, tapping the other's helmets off? That's to get around a rule that gives an extra 2 minutes to 'any player that removes their helmet for the purpose of fighting'. 
-Seriously? 

It's pretty bad that most of the real fighting has gone out of the game, leaving only those lame-ass glove in the face scrums that are even more pointless and time-consuming than a WWE's time with the microphone.

But now the league has decided that any player that dares to show a modicum of personality (in one of the few avenues left available to him) they will receive an extra two minutes? Come on, NHL. Embrace your heritage, not hide from it. Not one fan ever has said "ah, what the fuck man? That guy took his helmet off to fight? That should be a penalty!"

We here at Ogieoglethorpe (so, me basically) says if someone wants to take a few extra punches to the head instead of having to dish out the extra dollars to replace a broken helmet, let'm. I get the concussion argument but really, these guys aren't out to break their hands or the other guy's heads. They are just trying to win a job, as politely as possible while punching someone. That's why they have their code.
 
The only other way this is going to go is that every enforcer that follows the code will be sitting for 7 minutes each fight if their opponent takes off their helmet and face scorn and ridicule from myself (and others) if he doesn't.  

Oh yeah, it should go without saying that it was very 'gallant' of them to take each other's helmets off before engaging in an actually pretty good tilt.

The Vancouver Canucks Off-Season Analysis

Shhh...everything is so quiet nowadays on the hockey front that it feels like a Florida Panther pre-season game.

Zing! Not even 12 hours old, a topical reference!

It almost seems a shame to rock me out of my summer siesta and start thinking about my hockey pools again. It almost shames me to think that while I was doing normal every day summer things (like becoming a new dad again) some young kids (and a lot of old ones) were busting their asses at the gym (aka dryland training) keeping in shape for the training camp microscope that has begun in a somewhat small chance of living their dream of playing in the NHL. I had that dream too, kids and look at me now!

So let's take start my season of Dad-related hockey thoughts and look at what the Canucks/Mike Gillis has done during the off-season, starting with Draft Day's biggest surprise;

Seth Green's new rush mock-up of Cory Schneider
figurine for a Robot Chicken sketch

Cory Schneider is dealt, Luongo wins/loses.

Cory Schneider is traded to New Jersey; so the year-long plague that was the goaltending controversy is over in Vancouver. Unless for some reason Luongo goes public a la Patrick Roy and demands out. I don't see that happening.
I think Gillis did well on this one; Luongo always was the Canucks #1 starter and will continue to be. Schneider was great in a back up role, average in the playoffs and he was playing with a stellar team in front of him. He will not be the next coming of Marty Brodeur in New Jersey, but he will be capable.

Team owner Francis Aquavelva-something went down to Florida to meet with Luongo personally, followed by Mike Gillis. He then came back and filed for divorce in which he wants his financial assets sealed as 'protection for his children'.

Back to The Things That Make Me Happy These People Are Out There...

Well, it's been a busy summer; my wife and I have welcomed another child into this world, we've been busy moving upstairs and I'm trying to diversify my employment income. Luckily, there has been very little of interest on the NHL hockey front; TSN has tried to milk the Canadian Olympic team picks to the point of creating a mock fantasy team that was frankly quite embarrassing to participate in when you are yelling at the TV because they have figured Jay Bowmeester (sp) a lock as one of the top 4 defencemen due to his ability to move well, despite his size. That much is evident because as most Calgary Flames know one of the least heard sentences during his time in Calgary was 'and Jay Bowmeester takes him heavily into the boards!'

Anyways, I digress. No hockey news, baseball is into it's 200th game of the year, the Blue Jays have been out of contention since Day 3 and the CFL still slogs mightily along - Go Roughriders!

Thankfully, the Norwegian musical scene is heating up thanks to Ylvis, just in time for the end of summer and to remind us all that while we are busy trying to be all serious about not letting America invade Syria, there are people out there not taking life so seriously. That is the world I want our children to grow up in.

Enjoy and share!