Five Bad Cinematic Father-Son Relationships and how to correct them

-this list is in no particular order.


There comes a time in every Dad's life where he is going to have to put down that wood-chopping axe, come inside and meet his family. He will need to get to know them, perhaps give his children some fatherly advice they can impart on their children one day, without leaving too many psychological scars.  

Perhaps you are or want to be the type of father who believes actions speak louder than his words so you live your life the way that you want your sons to live theirs. Maybe together you kill civilians in GTA V, maybe watch Dexter or Game of Thrones because your seven year old 'really likes dragons'. That shit isn't real, no matter what those parent-right advocates say and your kids know that because you told them so. Maybe you dream or fear that at the least, your son might grow up to design video games. But maybe he will get a giant dragon tattoo on his face when he's 18 and tell you to 'fuck off' as he leaves the house. 

Being a Dad isn't easy. It's full of responsibilities and maybe the realization of the crushed expectations of your own life. It's breakfast times and electric bills and school clothes and remembering not to swear in front of the children. It's learning the names of the Little Ponies and the Paw Patrol hierarchy. It's trying not to point out the inaccuracies of the Transformers while you watch the same shows again and again and again. Thankfully, this father-son relationship only goes for about 15-25 years, depending on their financial circumstances and how much they hate you. Yet, despite all the grief that comes with being a Dad, there are some ways to make things easier.  

It's not a bad goal in life to make your children's lives a little better than yours growing up. Dads remember certain rules they were taught by their fathers and some now better understand our fathers now that we have kids of their own. New dads should also have the wisdom to realize some of the things their fathers did was detrimental to their well-being (this should be evident if you are reading this in a prison or an abuse center). Parents have big responsibilities and while most families domestic lives are still run by the mothers, Dads have an increasingly important role as well.

A child's seething parental hatred can do great things like drive them towards great musical crescendos or to embarrassing rebellious social causes involving living in jungles or under bridges coming up with witty sayings for cardboard signs. 

Here are some fathers that would benefit greatly from a course in Parenting 101. Learn from their mistakes. 

   

Darth Vader (and spoiler alert) Luke Skywalker

So you have a son that perhaps you didn't even know was alive. Happens to a lot of us, so say most sit-coms and dramas that flip a coin between either adding a baby or an unknown child to the mix in a sad, predictable effort to give the show one last hurrah at human drama as their ratings plummet towards inevitable cancellation.

But say you have been pretty busy building a bad-ass reputation for yourself, really climbed the corporate military ladder so to speak. You have a kick-ass medical plan, a new identity and people fear you. Life is pretty good, aside from a small pesky group of rebels who to your surprise has recruited your male prodigy and is trying to overthrow your government, throwing you into the unemployment lines.

What should you do as a father?

For starters, capturing all of his friends and torturing them isn't going to earn you any points down the road. Neither is killing his newly adopted father-figure who replaced the one your employees recently killed while they were looking for some droids. The man did keep your secret prodigy hidden pretty well for the last twenty years. 

Insisting on a light-saber duel on your home court is a pretty over-the-top way of introducing yourself as well. So what about maybe phoning him first, try to arrange a meeting at a neutral place? Maybe share an ice cream. I'd suggest avoiding hot drinks in case he decides to throw it in your face, especially if you tell him that girl he likes is really his sister.

Yet if you still want to go the light-saber duel route, go easy on him, he hasn't accepted who you are yet. You will need to build trust. Just because your son gets in a lucky strike, don't over-react and cut off his hand, maybe instead compliment on his efforts and show him the better parts of joining the Dark Side, like the aforementioned health care and the kick-ass uniforms and travel perks.

King Charming and Prince Charming (of Cinderella) 

So you have a son that is a bit of a womanizer? Likes playing the field and trouncing around the kingdom having a lot of laughs knowing that eventually he is going to inherit everything that you have worked so hard to inherit from your folks? Maybe you are wondering if he is ever going to settle down and start supplying you with some grandchildren you can play with, to help remind you what life is all about, some kids who will appreciate your fancy clothes with the shoulder epaulets?

Fantasy

Reality

What should you do as a father?

For starters, don't throw your son a giant legal-age vaginas-only party so he can select the best child-bearing woman he wants to reward you those frolicking high maintenance grandchildren. Wasting valuable tax money on decorations and personal invites isn't going to win you any extra respect in his eyes or your subjects. That's just spoiling him and courting rebellion.

Of course, some picks are easier than others.

We all know by now that picking a wife/mother to your child is not as easy as pointing and saying 'that one' (granted, some cultures don't allow for their children to even pick their spouses but that's a different subject). Let's just agree that giving your son an ultimatum to pick a woman to wed and knock up at one party that every fertile single woman must attend is not going to end well.

Not only will you have to deal with a daughter-in-law who is going to be perpetually pregnant and cranky, you will also have to confront and possibly kill all the little bastards who will be coming down the pipe as your son continues to avoid the domestic bliss you arranged for him with a woman he danced with for maybe two hours.

Work instead on getting him to appreciate what a good woman can do for him. Don't encourage him to see them as some type of baby factory who will continually complain he never takes her dancing anymore or can't fit into that dress. Allow him to date a little longer. He will settle down when he's ready and hopefully he's met the right one. In the meantime (if you are having a hankering for some grandchildren) take up raising tomatoes. 

Or attempting to murder your personal Duke/valet

Walter White and Flynn (Breaking Bad) 

So say you are a simple high school chemistry teacher. You have a simple home and loving wife who arranges your bacon every morning for you. Your child has a disability but you make do. Then you find out you have lung cancer and you can see the inevitable specter of Death coming for you. Time is ticking.

What do you do as a father?

For starters, DON'T START MAKING CRYSTAL METH. 

This should be no-brainer but apparently to some internet fanatics it's not. There is just no way that everything will ever turn out all right. At the very least, one day your family is going to meet someone (most likely at your funeral) that says 'hey, so your husband/dad was a meth dealer? My daughter died because of meth. You guys suck.".

Then your family will have to leave town pursued by an angry mob who doesn't sympathize with them over the loss of a loving and devoted husband and father. They will have to start a new life for themselves where nobody knows of your drug-dealing, society-destroying, body-liquifying pre-death past hobby/2nd job. And deal with your will.

Maybe instead of manufacturing crystal meth because you haven't taken out an insurance policy spend a bit more time with your family and tell them right away you have terminal cancer. They deserve to know. Then they can start making better preparations than relying on your crystal meth profits to buy happiness.

Discuss what they can do to prepare to be on their own, maybe learn a bit about long-term investments or just sell everything and go on a round the world trip. Yet no matter what, and I can't stress this enough; DON'T START MAKING CRYSTAL METH.

Dr. Evil and Scott (Austin Powers) 

So say you find out you have a child borne via your frozen semen while you yourself were frozen for a few decades in the lower orbit of Earth. You are meeting him for the first time (see above; plot contrivance- bringing in unknown child). He's been living his life and perhaps has a few issues which need to be resolved. He now has a father he has never seen and evidently sees you as a complete megalomaniac who wants to take over the Earth in a rather adorable yet retro-idiotic fashion.

What should you do as a father?

For starters, being open with him is good. Show you are happy to be his father, but don't expect mutual affection as he tries to come to grips with a sudden father figure in his life, especially one that doesn't conform to cultural or societal norms. Ask for the hug, but don't insist on it. That will come in good time, once he gets to know the real you.

But what happens if he has gotten to know the real you and you are still having problems connecting?

Father-son therapy is also a good way to heal the rift brought on by his disappointment in what you are. Yet, if you do go to therapy, don't confess to everyone there you are actually trying to kill him. It just doesn't look good and will be admissible in a court of law.

Don't go out and clone a 1/8 version of yourself who you shower with affection. just because your first-born doesn't want to follow in your evil footsteps. And if he decides to express his opinions on how you can run your evil empire more efficiently don't dismiss or ridicule him, validate his opinion and thank him for his input.

Don't continually tell him to zip it, no matter how funny it is to you. He needs to feel he is heard. If you think sometimes your son acts more mature than you, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your parenting style.

Pa Cox and Dewey (of Walk Hard, the Dewey Cox Story)

So you have two sons and one is a young male prodigy who you're betting is going to grow up and become a classical composer, professional baseball player, astronaut, maybe even President of the United States. You tell him it's okay to go off and play with his younger brother because 'you can't practice all the time'. You see great things in the future as you ride your son's glory to 'World's Greatest Dad'. Then the Doctor tells you that your prodigal son has been 'cut in half pretty bad' and died after a freak machete fight accident with his younger brother.

What should you do as a father?

For starters, don't keep reminding your surviving son that the 'wrong kid died'. That's messed up and in no way good parenting. Instead, I'd suggest some counselling, perhaps go visit a priest or take a long walk and calm down whenever you feel the need to play the blame game.

Then, even if your surviving son shows a modicum of talent in something else, don't kick him out of the house when he's 14 because the local music critic insist his simple song 'Holding Hands' is about the Devil. Maybe it really is just about holding hands.

Avoid trying to get retribution on your grown-up son by having a revenge machete duel. It's best just to come to grips that 'shit happens'. Reach out and talk to someone professional. Try to support your only remaining son as he copes with such huge childhood trauma it will affect him his whole life and maybe even rob him of his sense of smell. Celebrate his successes, learn to open up your heart.

And above all, walk hard with him. 

To do otherwise, well, that's pretty much textbook bad parenting right there.