Wayne Gretzky IS Luke Skywalker...

While this was already published by the UK webzine, Whatculture this is also part of my ongoing attempt to catalog/save/remember past articles. However, for this special blog post, I've added my own photos for the most part as I don't think the UK editors really knew who i was talking about. 

Enjoy the read... 

NHL 8 Reasons Hockey is Perfect for Star Wars Geeks

or

How I learned to stop worrying and just rip off other people...

Being given an opportunity to introduce the world of the great sport of ice hockey into the WhatCulture’s vast canon of subjects didn’t come without its own set of problems. Specifically, how do you start? With an explanation of the rules? Boring. Perhaps an overview of the top players and teams? Only if you already knew the game. The best fights in one of the only professional sports that condones fighting? Potentially next time… How about the way that Hollywood has portrayed the sport? Now, we are getting somewhere.

Now to associate it with Star Wars in some way…

Being a predominantly UK-based pop-culture website, it can be understandable that most of our sports coverage discusses football, what with its rabid fan base, history of passion, the occasional riot and world-wide acceptance. In North America there is a sport that has many of those characteristics and it’s not American football or professional baseball.

The one sport that parallels football, at least in countries in where it snows, is hockey.

First lesson; hockey is not referred to as ‘ice hockey’ by those that know the game, much as football is not referred to as ‘foot-soccer’. Just getting that out of the way.

Simply stated, the goal in hockey is to beat your opponent’s team by getting an object (the puck) into their net more times than they do in yours. To make the game move faster, the puck is propelled forward by a stick, the surface is covered in ice and players strap blades of steel to their feet called skates.

Basically, it’s football on meth, as designed by people with short tempers and limited attention spans. Due to the high rates of speed, players can either turn quickly in a circle (if they are European) or hit into each other and start again (if they are North American).

As a primer to the introduction of this great game and the dysfunctional league under which the top athletes of the world come to make vast (or little) amounts of money (depending on who you talk to) a comparison of hockey’s modern day history to the greatest movie franchise of all time seems as good as way as any to its introduction to WhatCulture’s readership.

Star Wars is a movie steeped in tradition, with heroic figures, interesting side characters, evil shadowy villains and run by a large unknown group of marketing executives who would do anything to make a buck, hiding behind the public face of the franchise, George Lucas. The National Hockey League (or NHL herewith) is a league steeped in tradition, heroic figures, interesting side characters, evil shadowy villains and run by a large group of team owners who would do anything to make a buck, hiding behind the public face of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

For example, just last year, after declaring record league-wide revenue hockey team owners unanimously decided to lock out their own players from training camp because they felt the players were making too much money, which would eventually destroy the league. This is like saying making too many Star Wars ‘collectibles’ would ultimately result in no more Star Wars movies. Yet Disney just bought the entire Star Wars franchise for all the money in the known world because anything with a Star Wars logo on it seems to make more money. The NHL team owners claimed to be on the cusp of bankruptcy, despite the same owners recently beginning to shell out decade-long contracts for decent players that have little collectible value, like a present day David Beckham jersey.

If you look at the history of hockey compared to the original Star Wars trilogy that’s not where the similarities end. Here are 8 more ways hockey is the perfect sport for Star Wars geeks, in particular because of a certain Wayne Gretzky…

8. Same Young Protagonist With Untapped Potential

Their pick...

Mine...seriously...there's hope for all of us.

In hockey, our Luke Skywalker is named Wayne Gretzky. He was a quiet, likable kid who had a bigger purpose in life. At an early age he was identified as having unlimited potential on the ice and he went on to enter professional hockey in the late 70′s with the Rebel World Hockey League (WHL) before he finished high school. He had a destiny to fulfill; to destroy the way the game of hockey was perceived; much like how Star Wars had to destroy the concept of space-themed science fiction movies of the day.

Much like the second trilogy which is really the first, there is a mess of conflicting signals of who or what is running the NHL. With the dwindling influences of a humble superstar like Wayne Gretzky, the New Empire has its new puppet emperor in Gary Bettman who does the bidding of the High Lords/Board of Governors. Gone is most of the unpredictability of hockey, as well as actual fights and bench-clearing brawls, leaving their older fans nothing to do but link clips of Paul Newman’s Slapshot to a new generation of hockey fans and weep silently into their pillows at night.

Like the original Star Wars, the NHL was an already troubled universe that was controlled by evil overlords that were crushing any attempts at rebellion. The NHL Empire created a league that feasted on blood, sweat and the occasional attempted murder. Physical assaults were as much a part of the game as were more physical assaults.

Whole hosts of angry men managed to avoid jail time by simply learning how to skate and swing their sticks at somebody’s head. During this time it created the ethos that is hockey’s legend; a sport where only the tough and criminally insane could play. Where else in any sport outside a boxing ring could you throw punches at a guy and then only given a 5 minute time-out from playing? To paraphrase an English author ‘it was the best of times, it was the worst of times’.

So in this universe hockey’s Luke Skywalker entered to join the rebellion that was the WHL. A 17 year old Wayne Gretzky was proving tougher and quicker than he appeared to be; just another skinny kid who happened to display unusual talents with a hockey stick (like a light saber but less glow-y). Little did anyone know he would eventually become the world’s most famous hockey player, practically destroying every record known to hockey historians. To this day he still holds 61 records, many considered unbreakable. Imagine a football player that scores more than once EVERY game. Gretzky did that one year, scoring 92 goals in 80 games.

7. Both Luke And Wayne Had Two Father/Mentor Figures

Theirs...

Wayne would get used to that later...

A grizzled old survivor of times past, Wayne’s Obi Wan Kenobi was named Gordie Howe aka Mr. Hockey. He achieved legend status playing professional hockey until he was 52 years old, and survived the rough years by patenting the ‘Gordie Howe hat trick‘ which was to get a goal, an assist, and into a fight all in the same game. He also patented the ‘Gordie Howe elbow’ which was basically an elbow to the opponent’s face when neither the opponent nor the referee were looking.

Gordie Howe is considered one of the greats for his longevity, his low key demeanor off the ice and willingness to fight as well as score. Near the end of his playing years he took on the humble mantle of being Wayne Gretzky’s idol. Gretzky wore Howe’s # 9 in honor of Howe until he arrived to a team who already had a player wearing number 9. On a suggestion from the coach, he decided on the double 9′s, and in so doing made #99 the most famous number in sports history.

In keeping with mentors, there is hardly a better story of the father-son bond than Wayne has with his father, Walter, the driving force behind Wayne’s grounded success. Even during his peak years, Wayne was always considered the greatest ambassador to the sport of hockey. He never pulled any type of superstar attitude, never blamed his teammates for losses and never bragged about his accomplishments. He continually strove to be better and never took his fame, job or fortune as his right. He did everything he could for the good of the game. This could only have been through a strong parental influence in his formative years that kept any sense of arrogance in check.

If Gordie was Obi Wan Kenobi, Walter was Wayne’s Yoda.

Wayne, Dad, Wife, Obi-Wan

6. They Both Have Conflicting, Yet Similar, Working Partners/Friends

Theirs...that's Jari Kurri btw.

The 2nd guy from the left would go on to destroy the Canucks
in every way feasible. 

Like Luke, Wayne had to leave his home to truly begin his career in saving hockey. He moved frequently in his youth, finally ending up in the previously mentioned rebel WHL on a team in Northern Canada called the Edmonton Oilers. It was a young team full of youth and vigor where Wayne was surrounded by a group of players that were about seriously challenge the status quo, just like the Rebel Alliance.

While Luke Skywalker had the unpredictable, arrogant and loose cannons Han Solo and Chewbacca to aid him, Wayne had an unpredictable, arrogant and loose cannon teammate named Mark Messier and a hairy beast-man named Dave Semenko. Messier was just as likely to break his stick over your head as he was to score and Semenko would fight anyone who dared to physically intimidate Gretzky. Let’s say the role of Wedge was taken on by a quiet Finnish right winger named Jari Kurri who would score 601 goals in his career, with over 1/2 of them (364) set up by Wayne Gretzky.

Dave Semenko 1981

When the NHL assimilated the WHL in the late 70′s, the upstart Edmonton Oilers were one of four franchises that were able to survive the purge of team bankruptcies. They were fortunate enough to have a coach that realized the potential that was on the team and a fan base that was soon to become one of the most vocal and transferable in the league. Demand to see the Oilers ensured near packed stadiums in every city they played in and Wayne and friends went on to dominate the league in the eighties.

5. The Confusing Love Interests

Theirs...

Much Better

Much like Luke had his Princess Leia in the first Star Wars that would cause some confusion in later movies with the Star Wars fan base, Wayne Gretzky had his own Princess Leia, who thankfully did NOT turn out to be his sister.

Janet Jones was a beautiful, talented but American by birth. Canadian hockey fans were hard-pressed to believe an American woman would know anything about hockey and their relationship was questioned by … well, nobody really back then. Nobody cared who was married to who but their marriage, at the peak of Wayne’s fame, was referred to and treated as, Canada’s Royal Wedding.

Not crazy at all...

They went on to have beautiful, athletic and extremely photogenic kids and a daughter with her own sort of infamy among a rabid,predominantly male fan base.

Yeahhhhh.... no caption needed.

 4. The Acclamation And The Double Cross

Theirs...

Although it gets a bit confusing here, as I’m jumping into the Han Solo/Lando double cross as a metaphor, this too happened to Wayne Gretzky. Gretzky by now was the poster boy of the New and Improved NHL. The focus was no longer on the fighting, but the scoring. A new class of talented hockey players were entering into the league and NHL owners were paying good…well, much better money for them to predominantly put the puck in the net. All looked good for Wayne and his friends in Edmonton.

But then…

Imagine the guy on the left as the white Lando Carissian

Immediately after his Royal Wedding, Wayne was double-crossed by the Peter Pocklington, the owner of the Oilers and sold for a lot of money, Johnny Carson and some stamps to a wealthy Hollywood businessman. The sad part of this is that Wayne silently listened in on Pocklington trying to trade him (without Pocklington knowing) but had to agree to a Confidentiality Agreement until he left Edmonton that he would not discuss the trade negotiations. 

There was much crying over this trade that sent away Canada's greatest hockey resource and some Canadians tried to petition the government to have the ‘trade’ revoked figuring Wayne was a ‘national resource’. Wayne was removed from Canada and into the clutches of the evil American overlords.

Although Wayne knew he had been double-crossed, he kept this information to himself although he did cry a little at the press conference. Because it’s okay for real men to show emotion about sports-related things. And their dogs.

3. Then Came The Marketing And The Franchising

Theirs...

What is that Oiler Gretzky doing?

Just as Star Wars action figures, fan books, video games started to pop up all over the place, so too did the sport of hockey in the United States.

After his move to Los Angeles, Gretzky was introduced to professional American-class marketers who proceeded to American-style market the crap out of him. They even got him to host Saturday Night Live which was so embarrassingly bad that SNL won’t allow a clip of it to be shown outside the USA. The popularity of a somewhat reformed NHL Empire grew exponentially once Luke was away from his friends and he continued to be the most dominant personality in hockey.

Based on Gretzky alone, he not only brought the Los Angeles Kings to their first Stanley Cup Final but also was responsible for their ugly purple/yellow uniforms changed to the much more hip nineties black/silver design that is still in use today.

Franchises popped up in American cities whose only experience with snow and ice was outside the local hockey arena or in their margaritas. In a peculiar irony, the team from Minnesota (who’s climate is like Hoth’s) moved to Dallas, Texas (which is like Tatooine’s).  Similar franchises popped up in the sun-based states of Georgia, Arizona and two in Florida. It seemed perhaps the Alliance had won and they inherited an Empire instead of overthrowing it.

The idea of a Gretzky-esque game of hockey that celebrated goals and assists more than punches and brawls emerged but any attempts to eliminate fighting all together were ridiculed by old-timers (like me) who understood that ‘player police’ were required to keep the game honest and prevent it from becoming nothing more than an expensive pick-up game played by self-righteous elitists.

2. Both Luke and Wayne Shared A Somewhat Anti-Climatic Ending

I'm kinda okay with this...

But slightly better...

Like Luke re-destroying another Death Star that wasn’t as rewarding as the first, Gretzky never truly achieved the greatness that he had during his years in Edmonton. True there was a chronic back injury that kept him out of his team’s line up for months and there was a small matter of the Los Angeles Kings owner going to jail. Gretzky spent another decade in hockey, finishing out his days in New York, the city where all big stars go to fade away.

He fittingly retired in 1999, and much like Lucas has kept involved in the game in his later years to dwindling accomplishments. His greatest achievement post-retirement was organizing a new group of young Jedis to take on the hockey world, cultivating in Canada’s first Olympic gold medal in over 50 years by beating the hated Americans in 2004.

Despite this post-hockey achievement, Wayne has had to take a back seat to the hockey universe as forces beyond his control have changed the game to a near-unimaginable form of play since his glory days, much like the original Star Wars trilogy. The proliferation of franchises has created a sort of dearth of actual highly skilled players.

Those that do emerge out of now formulaic hockey systems are from predominantly upper-middle class families who go to special hockey schools year round, much like a Jedi Academy. Hockey has become a full-time year-round job for many kids and it takes a lot of parental monetary investment for a child to even get noticed by the new overlords, who have turned out to be no better than the old overlords, including some still the same.

1. Their Lasting Effects On The Franchises

Theirs...

Hockey, like Star Wars, is in need of a new hero. Recent years have placed that marketing mantle on another kid from Canada known as Sid ‘The Kid’ Crosby. However, due to the speed, defense-oriented team play and rock-hard armoring that players wear today concussion problems have already taken their toll on Sid’s ability to live up to the Gretzky-like comparisons.

The role of a designated team Chewbacca is an endangered norm and any unpredictable players that display Han Solo-like qualities are quickly marginalized and become fodder for suspensions and early retirement, many having difficulties in adjusting to this return to normal life. In the summer of 2011, there were three suicides of team enforcers, bringing to bear the difficulties of an evolving sport that required an extreme amount of toughness and/or skill to make it to the big time.

Much like any new characters that entered the new NHL and Star Wars universe since its inception, it is going to be hard to live up to the expectations that Luke, Wayne and George Lucas introduced to us decades ago. While the Star Wars and NHL universes will live on in new forms, new characters and new marketing techniques, nothing will beat the old ways when all it took was one kid, some friends and the willingness to shoot first to truly upset the order of things.

I'm too lazy to photoshop a hockey stick on there...