How to Beat a Dead Horse by the NHL and it's broadcasters

Tell me more about your dead mom, Marty...

First, let's assume that everybody who is still interested in the Stanley Cup are one of four types of people;

1) New York Rangers Fans
2) Los Angeles Kings Fans
3) Network Hockey Analysts
4) Hockey Nut Whose Team is Now Out But Has Nothing Else To Do While Waiting for the Next Game of Thrones Episode.

I think we can all agree that there is a lot of interest regarding the Stanley Cup in NY and LA. Not like 'Brad Pitt making out With Jen Aniston' interest but more 'Woody Allen marrying his adopted daughter' interest. These 'new' fans of the game are the ones the rest of us hate, the ones who will only follow 'winners' and when asked who their favourite player is would say 'number 23?' and read your face for approval and/or correct number selection.

you know, the guy who shits out the Stanley Cup logo?

So be it, it's one of the perks for the owners of said teams and Gary Bettman as people decide to buy EBay tickets at 5-10x face value and/or update their Wayne Gretzky/Mark Messier jerseys into something a bit more recent because everybody likes anybody who is associated with winners. And their associated merchandise.

That's why I have so many new friends after I declared allegiance to Chicago a few years ago, everybody now loves me because I cheer for a winner so ergo, I am a winner. Not like my old friend Perry. Perry is a Canucks fan (still) and his only friends are his army of dead squirrels he keeps in his garage. Plus he still wears his lucky Canucks underwear with the flying skate logo on it.

Anyways, here are things that the #3 type of person has to stop telling whoever is left watching because trust me, if they have gotten this far in the Stanley Cup playoffs, they have heard these stories before. If they don't know these basics, you are allowed to sweater them.

- it's been 20 years since the Rangers have been to the Finals

- they were led by Mark Messier who guaranteed NY a victory against New Jersey in the semis and then scored a hat trick. He also scored the Stanley Cup winning goal in Game 7 (although Linden scored both Vancouver goals in the 3-2 loss).

- Marty St.Louis' mother died this year during the playoffs. It has become a necessary and vital fact to point this out to Marty after every post-game and between periods interview. Please, just stop.

- Alain Vigneault is in his 1st year as NY head coach, replacing John Tortorella who by now everyone should be in the know of how that all turned out for the Canucks, Roberto Luongo and Mike Gillis.

- Henrik Lundquist will be the key to any Rangers success because their top 3 scorers have as many points as the Kings' Tyler Toffoli.

Yes! I made Ogieoglethorpe.blogspot.ca! 

- The LA Kings have played the maximum number of games a team can play in the playoffs and won all three Game 7's on the road, a NHL record.

- The LA Kings are heavily favored to win, much as whoever was going to win the Western Conference. Even if it was Minnesota (in NY Ranger-like Cinderella fashion) they still would be heavily favored to win. The West is just so much better. Way, way better. Let's face it, despite Montreal's getting to the Final Four, the Eastern Conference Finals was only interesting if you like watching who was going to come in second place.

- The Conn Smythe Award will be won by either Henrik Lundquist or the statistician of the LA Kings.

Bigger Perspective; 

The last time the Kings won the Cup, Darryl Sutter was the coach, Jonathon Quick was the goalie and they were led by names such as Carter, Richards, Doughty, Kopitar... so pretty much exactly like this year's team. The top pop culture shit that was taking our attention away from bigger issues such as the US Presidential Elections, the Sandy Hook and Aurora Massacres and whatever happened in Libya were the Hunger Games, there was that Korean Ricky Martin one-hit wonder, Dark Knight Rises, 50 Shades of Grey, that D-Movie that apparently upset so many Muslims they attacked Libya because they had a screening in the American Consulate, Game of Thrones, The Avengers, Kony 2012...it was a simpler time then.

The last time the Rangers won the Cup, Mike Keenan was the coach, Mark Messier was still a dick, there was no baseball, Forrest Gump won Best Oscar, Kurt Cobain was murdered (yes, I'm one of those), OJ got away with it, Pulp Fiction and Lion King were Yin/Yang on the big screen, while Reality Bites drove home the fact that yes, it did. Warcraft was invented, as was Friends to the delight of boys and girls, respectively. President Bill Clinton was helping everyone get rich in the Technology industry while beginning his long second career of denying sexual harassment claims in order to get him impeached. Ah...memories of a simpler simpler time...

Lisa Loeb took hipster eyewear mainstream...

Different facts that I have yet to hear being brought up

NY won the Cup back in 1994 thanks to these 2 cheap (and unpenalized) hits by Adam Graves (suspected) and Mark Messier on Trevor Linden in Game 6. Linden played Game 7 and scored both Canucks goals despite having broken ribs, a fractured foot, blindness in one eye, a ruptured spleen and his dog being held hostage.

LA beat Chicago, San Jose, and Anaheim to get to the Cup. They had a total of 334 wins (excluding playoffs)

NY beat Montreal, Pittsburgh, and Philadelphia who had a total of 303 wins (excluding close parking spaces to arenas)

Both Quick and Lundquist have never won an Olympic Gold Medal (courtesy of ogie reader CPrice)

Rick Nash continues to play for the NY Rangers, so the the line-up card and AV continually tells us.

LA averages over 40 body checks per game while New York is lucky to get up to 20 body checks and that includes trying to get into the urinals during the intermissions.

LA was getting 5 goals per game on a pretty good goaltender with great defense in game 7. New York got 1 goal on a team whose goalie was brought up from the minors and whose best defenseman only played in one Olympic game.

Final Prediction; Los Angeles in Five.