Yes, Daughter, there is still a Santa Claus

Late night thoughts on Childhood Beliefs

Note; It’s been nearly 6 weeks since I’ve written anything of substance. The cycle repeats. Inspiration, Dedication, Insecurity, Shame, Confidence. If I’m lucky, sometimes I’m able to replace Shame with some Editing. I shouldn’t feel insecure about what I do, I know it’s good. But I lack validation and the desire to seek out the validation, so I have let my dreams sit for the summer, enjoyed it with my children, for the summers do go fast and they are both starting school this year and my memory is slipping faster than they are growing.

I love my daughter. She’s nine. She told her mom a few days ago that she’s starting to have suspicions about Santa Claus. She didn’t say that directly, she was making an observation. “You know, Santa seems to only have toys that you could also buy in Walmart.”

I’m like… wow. But you, as a parent, have to keep that dream alive, you know? What do you do? Bring down the house of cards that is Santa Claus? 

She had a friend over for dinner and the conversation turned to the Tooth Fairy and she tells her friend that she got a letter from the Tooth Fairy instead of money one time and you could see her friend deliberating, trying to figure out my daughter’s end game and why she received a letter instead of money (she didn’t want to give up her first tooth but still wanted the money and so left a note under the bed. The Tooth Fairy replied in an appropriate manner of how the Tooth for Cash system works in the future).  

She’s always been this way; another time, years ago she came back from a playdate and says to me, so excited; ‘Guess what Dad? Cassie’s mom just bought a new car and it has a DVD player! And ours has a cup holder!’

I love her naivete. We’re playing the game Clue last week, you know the one where you have to guess who killed Mr. Body and with what and where? She’s looking at the little murder weapons, the revolver, the lead pipe, the rope. She picks up the candlestick and is trying to figure out how you could murder someone with a candlestick. “I guess you could burn them to death.” The thought of bludgeoning anyone never crosses her mind. Yet, a slow flame... that would do it. 

My boy however, he’s a killing machine. For instance, a couple weeks ago, he’s crying out in his sleep, 2 AM. I go in there, lights off, whisper to him gently, I say “What’s wrong son?” and he cries “I can’t kill anybody!”

Now, I don’t know what parent wants to hear that out of their five year old. So all I can think of to say is ‘well, you will just have to start over.’ And that shuts him up, quiet as a mass murderer at Confession Time. He goes back to sleep. Looking forward to the therapy bills over that kid.

But going back to Santa Claus. So my daughter is peeling back the secret. And soon after that will be the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny. And then there’s God. You’d think that won’t be a problem because God gives you nothing tangible. Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa - all give you something, validating their existence in their young minds. But try explaining God. I mean, she saw through that shit pretty quickly yet there are grown adults, 20-50 years older than me that still believe in stories told to them of an omniscient force that watches them at all times and is responsible for everything yet gives them no presents, money, or Easter Eggs. We have whole cultural systems based on the idea one entity is responsible for everything yet also nothing.

So yes, why shouldn’t she believe in Santa Claus? And why is Santa so fucking lazy he buys everything at Walmart?