Where You Been Dad?

Dads. Can't be created without'm. It's safe to say that pretty much every one of you who reads this blog has a dad somewhere in their past (except you, Steve. You suck and were conceived by a mixture of LSD, wallpaper paste and a series of poor choices).

And sometimes as Dads, we have to do certain things whether we like it or not such as admit paternity, pay child support, maybe be ready when that child of yours you completely forgot about tracks you down after they finish high school and/or are on the run from the cops.

So what do you do with a kid once you got'm?

A) Train them to accomplish everything you feel you failed at in life
B) Just hold onto them for dear life so nothing bad ever happens, except perhaps death by accidental smothering.
C) Treat them like little grown ups as soon as possible by giving them responsibilities, explaining facts not fictions, keeping them away from media violence, the internet, firearms, schools, malls, America.
D) Sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Maybe even later introduce them to drugs because you are the 'cool dad'.
E) Grow the Fuck Up and Be A Dad.

Answer after the jump;

Really? You think I'd have an answer for you that simply? Have you not read any of this blog? I spend more time obsessing over the NHL than I do about how to Dad. But the reason is simple; I Dad all day, in a way. In these few midnight hours why would I want to think about Dadding when I can try to retain a small element of my youthful independence by bitching about kids that are making millions doing what I wanted to do once upon a time? Or reviewing the new divisions team by team (coming soon, Metropolitan Division)

But for shits and giggles, I think E makes for the best answer. It's all encompassing yet vague, like a cheap Chinese Fortune Cookie or an 'unsportsmanlike conduct' penalty.


The rest of the Answers;

A) the 'you'll do it because I didn't' Dad.

I know, this isn't you. You just want your kid to enjoy the thrills of sporting events, the spirit of competition, the shame of sitting on the bench listening to you yell at the volunteer teen refs for doing a shitty job in calling such obvious stick infractions or getting in a fight with your kid's coach because he isn't getting enough ice time to impress the Pee Wee Rep scouts. Let's be honest, your budding protege already has a lot of factors against him, not the least being your yearly income.  These factors are outlined in great detail in Malcolm Gladwell's first chapter of his book Outliers. Seriously, read this link - it will change your perception of hockey success as you know it and maybe save you thousands in hockey expenses that at the very best result in your kid having a career somewhere in Europe.

And honestly while I believe that there is a time for fighting in hockey, it isn't before your kid has hit puberty.

Well except for this one, then it's kind of adorable - but Dad still has to make that kid go apologize.

B) The 'over-protective Dad'

I shouldn't really joke about this one, as I did once work with a couple who had accidentally smothered their baby between them as they slept. Either they really cared for thier little one or neither could be bothered to put their child into the crib.  BAM! Reality Check.

C) The 'this is just the way shit is' Dad 

This one is pretty good; I especially agree with teaching them the concept of money at an early age. I hate having to explain why I can't buy them every toy they lay their hands on but I hope that they understand why and not just because I'm a big jerk. As is, they get lots of toys and stuffies from family that rarely see the light of day. I also think that parents should avoid using all-encompassing make believe religious deities to explain things that you can't be bothered to research on the internet, like evolution, clouds, gun fatalities and where rainbows come from. However the Dad Manual does allow for any made-up explanation that uses the words 'fart' or 'booger' in any context whatsoever.

D) The 'I'm so cool/do what you want/no rules' Dad

If you are doing the Dad thing right, it's tough to enjoy the ride. Your spawn should be a handful and while there are little golden nuggets in there that if you were non-sleep deprived would be absolutely hilarious, you probably won't remember it tomorrow. I keep a 'things you said' book so when I particularly don't want to forget something which I know I will - I jot it down with their age and date so I can look back on it later when I am well-rested and missing the little mini-me freaks.

As for the Drugs bit - I've worked with lots of kids that were introduced to weed or coke by their Dads, like it was a lower-class bar mitzvah rite of passage. I'm not saying that every kid will start doing crimes if Dad smokes some weed with them, but the chances are greatly increased. Plus, they might start stealing from your stash. Keep it a secret.

E) The 'Holy Shit, I'm acting like a Grown Up' Dad

Growing the Fuck Up is easy/hard once you have the extra responsibilities that come with keeping something alive that you have created. It's not easy for a lot of men, including me. To me, Dads have no sense of humour, can fix anything, are rarely seen and never heard. But to my kids I want Dad to mean to them; fun, smart, stern, affectionate and someone to turn to when they are hurt or have a question.

My daughter says that if I was an animal I am a lion. She's 4. I know this because she tells me and begins a lot of sentences with 'A long, long time ago when I was 3...'

Ready or Not..It's Dad Time!

I agree with her. Lions are imposing, yet not. Most of the time they are just laying about, doing nothing (so it appears). We play quite a bit (interact with your kids as often as possible; Dad Manual/Rule 1), yet, there is an attitude of 'I am the boss' and 'obey me or I will eat you' which I am glad she picks up on or it'd be pretty rough on me. If your child proclaims your animal likeness to be a turtle or a hamster - you are probably doing something wrong.

But always, always find time to enjoy those little moments that they may grow up to hate/love you for.