Shit HAPPENED - or fuckit, I'm doing a cleanse.

***This post deals with extremely graphic bodily functions. If you don't believe everyone poops, this article is not for you. That said...

via GIPHY

Ow ow ow ow, I'm thinking as I'm sitting on the toilet, again. I have destroyed my asshole . 

And all because I finally decided to do something about my chronic exhaustion, bad diet and dad belly; I mentally snapped and purchased a cleansing kit, one of those dietary-type powders that is supposed to help your metabolism or something.

I remember, there was this time, nearly fifteen years ago when 'cleansing' was the 'in' thing to do. Maybe it still is but my life and social circle has changed from knowing who is starring in the next Tarantino movie to knowing who all the pups in the Paw Patrol are.

I knew about 'cleansing' because there was this girlfriend of a drinking buddy who was the group buzz kill. She'd be the only one not drinking and although nobody asked she'd find some opportunity (such as the waitress saying "would you like a drink?") to tell everyone she was on a cleanse.


She said it as if it was something to be proud of. But not matter how many times she ‘cleansed’ she was still always a bit of a dick. We were all pretty happy when they finally broke up.

Now, nearly twenty years and twenty pounds later, I've decided to get serious about my health. No matter what you might think now, I’m here to tell you your body changes after 40. I start to think of the bathroom consequences of many of the foods I am about to eat. God help my toilet and asshole if I start craving hot sauce again. Funnily enough, I just watched an episode of Teen Titans GO! that perfectly summed up my evolution of addiction to spicy food.