You say it's your birthday?
Let's face the selfish facts. Only you know what you truly want for your birthday. Perhaps you are tired of getting another new 'collectable action figure' from a series you never really cared for but someone thought you did because that certain someone was into The Avengers and so thought you were too (thanks, sis).
All you want is something that rings of your unique personality, maybe something more than just a six pack of craft-brewed beer. And that special football jersey you got last year? The one of that team that you don't really care that much about? The one with the name of that player that now plays somewhere else? Let's not talk about that.
Instead, why not just give them this list of some awesome gifts inspired by pop culture which are not actually useless? I'm not talking about all the cheap toys made in China, labelled 'collector's item' and then marked up 1000%. I'm writing about those products that have broken the fifth wall of realism, props that were made real in a fictional universe then thanks to a ripple in space-time, became meta in this universe, products that could be used in everyday life that non-fans might not glance twice at but those in the know will bow at your presence when you appear sporting one of these fine bits of retro pop culture history.
TL;DR; The Ultimate Guy Birthday Wish List for gifts that are practical, somewhat subtle and unique. Nothing made of plastic or wasn't originally at first a prop on a movie/TV show before it was moved into mass productions because someone found out someone like you would buy it.
- Also blood resistant for laundry days.
1) The Charlestown Chiefs Hockey Sweater
If you know someone into hockey this is a must. An authentic jersey of the fictional Charlestown Chiefs, in either home or away choices. The person who owns this will automatically be expected to be able to talk about Slapshot, the greatest hockey movie of all time which came out nearly 40 years ago. I'm not going to describe why this movie is so great as anyone who is into hockey will know what i'm talking about.
For extra bonus points, embroider the name "Hanson" on the back with either 16,17, or 18. Trust me, no hockey fan will be ashamed to ever wear this out in public.
- it's got electrolytes!
2) A can of Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator
From the movie Idiocracy, perhaps the most realistic sci fi movie of all time. This product comes from some enterprising fool who saw Mike Judge's vision of the future and decided to capitalize on Brawndo's eventual overthrow/purchase of the American FDA (food and drug administration). This unnamed entrepreneur went and actually developed, canned and marketed this tasty beverage which one assumes is chock-full of electrolytes and sure to be a hit sitting among that high-energy mountain dew chuggin' nutbar on your list.
Yes, you could also throw in a DVD of Idiocracy to boot.
- Joke is on you, Westboro Baptist Church!
3) God Hates Us All by Hank Moody
For the more literate pop culture fan among you, their pretentious book case would not be complete without this little edition which was first mentioned on the TV show Californication. Producers found that there was an increasing interest/demand to actually read the book that transplanted the perpetually horny and relationship-confused Hank Moody from New York to Hollywood in his quest to enter every vagina in Los Angeles.
While there was little demand for the fictional Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes movie adaptation, the book, a rather unremarkable 'Catcher in the Rye' imitation is the book that started it all and should be stressed was not actually written by Hank Moody aka David Duchonovy but rather a writer-for-hire named Jonathon Grotenstein.
- 'Excuse me, have you seen my other ball?'
4) Wilson the Volleyball
Back when Tom Hanks was at the top of his A game, he decided to go all Eddie Murphy and star in a movie with no other distractions (ie. other actors). Yet unlike Murphy, Tom didn't create co-starring roles for himself and instead relied on creating a believable friendship with an inanimate object not named Kristen Stewart (zing!) , the volleyball he affectionately called Wilson in one of the most blatant but well-ingrained product placements ever.
Today, you can actually buy a 'Wilson' for your very own, complete with hand print. The ultimate ice-breaker for those who like to hang out on the beach and perhaps 'accidentally' spike volleyballs towards sun-bathing ladies who may admire your well-rounded movie sensibilities.
- There are the occasional bird strikes, however.
5) The General Lee
Yeee-haaa!!! This is the car that every boy born in the 70's wanted. The biggest star of the Dukes of Hazzard, a show that created 3 of the greatest things ever for men; Daisy Duke shorts, Katy Perry's career and The General Lee, a customized 1969 Chrysler Charger that can still be custom purchased today for as much as ... well... you better hope you have some pretty wealthy friends/loved ones to make this inner child's dream come true.
Guaranteed to turn heads at car shows everywhere and make grown men drool, this car is the ultimate gift for the man who laughs in the aerodynamic yet illogical face of the Batmobile and KITT with the yet to be invented 'Turbo Boost'. For added realism go for the illegal but truth to the show welded doors version and the horn that plays the opening line of 'Dixie'. Take plenty of jumps on the convenient mounds of dirt and construction crew ramps that are plentiful on back roads throughout everywhere The General Lee goes.
- It's a poster about nothing.
6)Kramer poster
Let's get back to bank account reality with this retro piece. Admittedly, you can't get much use out of a poster. It just hangs on the wall and basically advertises your like for a certain actor/director/movie/toy line. Yet, what if that poster were to be a mass reproduction that came to reality from one small episode of a TV show popular 20 years ago? There's got to be some retro karma to that.
It's also a great indication of where you are in a relationship with a woman - the further away from the bedroom it is, the more serious the relationship. If you find the Kramer in a yard sale, just nod silently in understanding to the sad man selling it and promise to give it a good home.
- Great in Parades and leading cops to raves.
7) Tron's Light Cycle
This is the only thing on the list that may not be considered totally 'practical' but then again, look at it. It's a custom-made electric bike that will make you the envy of science fiction geeks and their little brothers everywhere. It's street legal (country permitting) and while it can't do those sharp right angle turns, it can light up in all the right places and is guaranteed to turn heads, with only a slight percentage of those people knowing where the bike originated from. It can be bought for under $10,000 USD, light up helmet optional.
I won't bore you with the details of what makes this a great gift for that certain someone who has seen not only the original but Tron Legacy, other than they will think that this is the most amazing gift anyone ever got them and isn't that the point of gift-giving? To blow the crap out of everybody else's gifts?
- The real fun is turning it on.
8) The Leg Lamp
God help you cherish the person who knows you well enough to give you the best (or worst) Christmas themed present in movie history. The Leg Lamp is a symbol of a simpler time, when you could stick your tongue on a flag pole or ask for a rifle for Christmas without worrying about all the ethical obligations and concerns of potential mass murder (America only) such a request would entail, except that you might shoot your eye out.
The Leg Lamp is the gift that keeps on giving (especially as your significant other will continually try to give it away). This is a gift that denotes class, movie appreciation and of course, women legs. You could ask for two but then again, two leg lamps would be absolutely crazy.
- For the friend who has everything.
9) Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
Now, for those millionaires among you that are just having troubles picking out the right shade of Ferrari to give to your underachieving son, why not just hand him the reins of a franchise that will teach him the responsibilities and difficulties it takes to run their own business?
Happy birthday, son - here's a famous pop culture restaurant! Inspired by the aforementioned Tom Hanks' movie Forrest Gump, the lore of the beginnings of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. is steeped in Vietnam, low IQ's, friendship and bullshit. Yet, in the right hands it is a money maker of epic proportions for the individual so inclined to be prepared to listen daily to Forrest Gump quotes, continual comments on how life is like a box of chocolates and questions why you don't sell any?
Plus, it comes with a bar and servants. I mean, staff.
- Plus, you can put your weed in there...
10) The Anonymous mask
Finally, for those socially conscious friends and family, the ones that are always willing to have a discussion at the dinner table over equal rights, banking fraud and the crushing economic impact of their student loans, the Anonymous mask makes for a great gift, springing right from the pages of the graphic novel to your door via FEDEX.
Featured prominently in the little heard of Occupy Wall Street movement, the movie V for Vendetta and innumerable riots and protests, not only does it firmly establish the owner's wish for a socialist new world order it also makes for a great accessory in protecting job security and family privacy when wearing it to the next peaceful demonstration. Or you can just hang it on your wall above your Playstation. Whatever works.
As an added bonus, you can ironically point out that Time Warner owns the rights to the mask's image but because it was a gift, you don't feel the least bit of a hyprocrite, guy fawkes.
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