The Ultimate Showdown; The Stanley Cup Playoffs,
Owner's Edition
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| "I fart money." |
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| "Steve Yzerman personally wipes my bum non-sexually, of course." |
VS.
Unless you have been frozen in Hell, having to fulfill that wager you made about the Los Angeles Kings ever winning the Stanley Cup, chances are you have heard about the NHL lockout; how the greatest way the owners decided to capitalize on the biggest stories of the 2012 season was to stop playing hockey. They had an opportunity to capitalize on acheiving success in the LA market, the longest playoff run in Phoenix Coyote history and John Tortorella not beating the crap out of some New York sports reporter, despite their best efforts.
The Owners, in their Infinite Wisdom, have decided to lock out the players and blablabla you know all this so i will cut straight to the alternative reality; where the 'anonymous' Owners are the ones competing for the Holy Grail of hockey without the benefit of paid employees to get punched in the face (shout out to Daniel Sedin), televised crying after losing, or being mobbed incessantly by TSN analysts asking what they think Rick Nash will do over the summer.
So, first, we take the final standings for playoff seeding according to 2012. which as we may remember was played with actual players, not some old white guy wearing a team jersey;
In the west this is how the Owners fared with the NHL's owner-owned Phoenix Coyotes surprising everyone by finishing third in the 'what kind of playoff seeding is this' fiasco that all NHL fans are frustratingly familiar with;
1 Vancouver Canucks Francesco Aquilini aka Canucks Sports and Entertainment
2 St. Louis Blues Dave Checketts aka Sports Capital Partners
3 Phoenix Coyotes NHL aka everybody
4 Nashville Predators Thomas Cigarran aka Predators Holdings LLC
5 Detroit Red Wings Mike Ilitch aka Little Caesar's $2 Billion since 1982@!
6 Chicago Blackhawks Rocky Wirtz
7 San Jose Sharks Greg Jamison aka Sharks Entertainment Enterprises
8 Los Angeles Kings Philip Anschutz $7 Billion
9 Calgary Flames N. Murray Edwards $2.2 Billion
10 Dallas Stars Tom Gaglardi/Thomas O. Hicks
11 Colorado Avalanche Stan Kroenke $3.2 Billion
12 Minnesota Wild Craig Leipold/Philip Falcone $2.2 Billion
13 Anaheim Ducks Henry Samueli $1.7 Billion
14 Edmonto Oilers Darry Katz aka Rexall Sports (of Katz Group)
15 Columbus Blue Jackets John P. McConnell aka JMAC Inc.
Interesting to note out of the NHL Billionaire Owners Club (not to be confused with the Multi-Millionaires Owners Club (posers)) in the west, 5 of the 7 Billionaire Owners were unable to even buy a playoff spot. Philip Anschutz, bringing in the biggest gross of $7 billion (estimated) barely squeaked into the 8th playoff seed.
First Round Match-Ups;
Franceso Aquillini vs Philip Anschutz
Dave Checketts vs Greg Jamison
NHL vs. Rocky Wirtz
Thomas Cigarran vs. Mike Ilitch
In the east, the big market teams did big market numbers in both revenue and wins. The only surprise here was that a spunky little jewish guy from Ottawa outlasted the deep pockets of Terrence Pegula to take the 8th and final playoff spot.
1 New York Rangers James Dolan
2 Boston Bruins Jeremy Jacobs $1.9 Billion
3 Florida Panthers Cliff Viner (& Stu Siegel?)
4 Pittsburgh Penquins Mario Lemieux & Ron Burkle
5 Philadelphia Flyers Ed Snider aka Comcast-Spectator
6 New Jersey Devils Jeffrey Vanderbeek
7 Washington Capitals Ted Leonsis
8 Ottawa Senators Eugene Melnyk
9 Buffalo Sabres Terrence Pegula $3.1 Billion
10 Tampa Bay Lightning Jeff Vinik
11 Winnipeg Jets Mark Chipman aka True North Sports and Entertainment
12 Carolina Hurricanes Peter Karmanos
13 Toronto Maple Leafs Larry Tanenbaum aka Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment
14 New York Islanders Charles Wang
15 Montreal Canadiens Molson Family
In the east, the only real surprise is that those teams with avid fan bases and would have guaranteed playoff revenue all came from Canada all failed to make the playoffs, so the idea of a 'conspiracy theory' was floated around, suggesting that it was more beneficial to league owners if more American teams were in the playoffs. This also explained the Phoenix Coyotes place at the playoff table in the west.
First Round Match Ups;
James Dolan vs. Eugene Melnyk
Jeremy Jacobs vs. Ted Leonis
Cliff Viner vs. Jeffrey Vanderbeek
Mario Lemieux vs Ed Snider
Next posting; we see who won their first round match ups and why.
Is it all about the money? The fame? The ability for an owner to buy a human heart to replace the bitter lump of meat currently inside of them?
Or are they just dicks?
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